by Guerin Zand
“Put your shoes on and let’s go.”
We hopped back in the truck and we headed out to the Mall at Millenia. This was a fairly long drive so we listened to the radio and talked for a while. I explained to Milly that today didn’t count as one of the three days since I considered it a travel day and travel days don’t count. Of course she complained about the time it took to travel such a short distance and how shopping for clothes was so much easier on the ship. I was about to turn around and take her back to Walmart by the time we finally arrived.
After parking the car, we started to walk to the main entrance. Milly kept comparing this to what she considered normal. I just had to say something.
“Those panties must be all bunched up as much as your complaining. Why don’t you just relax. I know we’re just a bunch of primitive monkeys but if you’d just give it a chance, you might actually enjoy the experience. I know you’ve enjoyed more than a few monkey experiences with me so far.” And I flashed her my best bad boy look.
She smiled and put her arm around me. Now she was getting into the swing of things.
First stop was Tommy Bahama’s. We walked in and an attractive sales woman came over and offered us some help.
“Please, help me with this girl. She’s from Europe and I really need to get her setup for some Florida living. We need everything. A dress, shoes, pants, tops, swimsuit and some shades. The works.”
“That shouldn’t be too hard. Why don’t you come with me and I’ll get you all taken care of?”
They spent a lot of time going through the racks and selecting several items for her to try on. Once she had an armful of clothes they both went back to the dressing rooms and started changing into the different outfits. What followed, Tommy Bahama should have paid us for. Milly kept popping in and out of the dressing room putting on a little fashion show for me. Now Milly was hotter than any of their catalog models and soon every man in the store was watching the show. When she started modeling the bathing suits I decided it would be best if I joined them in back and made it more of a private show. More than a few women were dragging their men out of the store by this time. Milly was enjoying this. I knew she would. She was a woman after all.
When she was finally finished, she had more than enough clothes to wear for the next three days. Of course, it was probably more than she needed, but what any Earth woman would have packed in the first place for this duration of a trip. We decided she should dump the Walmart clothes in the bag and wear the dress she had fallen in love with.
She came out with the dress and new shoes on and her sunglasses on top of her head like she knew what she was doing. She had such a big smile on her face it just made me happy watching her enjoy herself. Could I have just fired the second shot in the revolution? Could this be the death of the onesie?
The sales woman was just as happy after she finished totaling up the damage. I didn’t care what it had cost. My Milly was worth it.
I swear that women’s clothes cost more per weight than gold. The couple of bags she had, minus her Walmart shoes, weighed less than the two polo shirts I bought.
She thanked me as I led her to our next stop, Tiffany’s. I wanted to get Milly something to remember me by. I didn’t know when we would be together again after this vacation, if ever, so I wanted her to have something special.
We ended up choosing a very nice, yet simple, platinum band with a few diamonds. Milly loved it, so that was a done deal. She really wasn’t too hard to shop for. As we checked the sizes out I explained to her that the if she wore it on the ring finger of her left hand it meant she was spoken for. She looked at me with those deadly green eyes and put it on her left hand ring finger. She wanted to buy me something but I knew she didn’t have any money. They didn’t need it right?
“Milly, I already have something from you.” And I pointed to my digital watch.
“That thing?”
“That thing, was one of the first things you gave me and I’ll keep it forever.” She kissed me and that was the end of that discussion. Besides, who knows what alien material it was made of. That stupid digital watch was probably worth more than all the jewelry in that store combined.
We headed down to P.F. Chang’s for lunch. I knew they had vegetarian meals so it was the safest bet. We sat close to each other in a booth in the back and just enjoyed our lunch. Of course, I got whatever had the most meat in the dish and she enjoyed some stir-fried tofu dish.
“So Milly, is there something you want to tell me?”
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“I guess it’s just a coincidence that my brother won the lottery?”
“I guess.”
“Do you expect me to believe that?”
“Yes.”
“Why couldn’t I have been the one to win the lottery? I’m the one working for you guys. Don’t you think I deserve it?”
“It would draw too much attention to you Guerin.”
“I guess I should thank you for thinking about my wellbeing then.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I was being sarcastic.”
“Oh.”
We finished our lunch, and with our shopping done, we headed out and started the drive back out to the coast. Milly admitted that I was right. She really enjoyed our little shopping adventure. Imagine that. A woman who liked shopping.
My friend’s daughter, when she was young, couldn’t stand shopping. Whenever we had to go to the mall she was just like me. We would go in, get what we needed, and get out. For her birthday and holidays, we would always go to a theme park for a day of fun.
At some point, this all changed. Instead of wanting to go to the theme parks she preferred to go shopping. She could spend an hour in a single store. Now shopping was actually less expensive than a day at one of the theme parks, so that was a plus, but I ended up spending more time on my feet and it was definitely more tiring.
My point is that this shopping thing must be hormonal. I guess it kicks in with puberty for young girls. Window shopping for women is probably the equivalent of watching porn for men.
Before we went home, I stopped at the local produce market and bought all sorts of fruit and veggies for my little vegan. I made sure to get some mangos, papayas, pomegranates and kiwis. I wanted her to enjoy the tropical fruits available here that I knew they didn’t have on the ship. I also made a quick stop at the meat market and grabbed a giant 24 oz. ribeye steak for my dinner as well.
Back home we spent the rest of the day relaxing. We went for a swim and played with the dogs. It was nice to be back to what I considered normal.
We watched the national news so I could catch up on the world. Not much had changed. The war on terror continued, there was fighting in Syria and as usual North Korea was trying to act tough, threatening to blow the USA off the map. Milly asked how we could live like this and my simple answer was, “It beats being a Trogan slave girl.” She couldn’t argue with that.
I cooked us a nice dinner. I stir-fried up some veggies for her and made myself that ribeye with a baked potato. The sight of the medium rare steak caused her to shake her head in disgust and I just smiled and enjoyed it. After dinner, we took the dogs for a nice relaxing walk. I wanted to ask her how she could live without these simple things but I didn’t want to start an argument. I could tell by the smile on her face she was enjoying herself and that was good enough.
The next morning, I woke up in my bed with Milly next to me. It was starting to sink in that this was real and Milly was real.
“Thank you Guerin.”
“For what?”
“For making me so happy.”
“It’s not really that hard Milly. I can write down step-by-step instructions and you can give it to your next abductee if that would help.”
“Oh, please do. What would you have done if I hadn’t been the one to abduct you?”
“I guess I’d be sleeping with Julie now.”
“So, Julie’s your type?”
“The type I’d sleep with, yes.”
“And what type am I?”
“The type that would sleep with me of course.”
Milly kicked me under the sheets. “You just have to be an asshole, don’t you? You couldn’t have said something nicer?”
“I could have but it wouldn’t have been me. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I used to be such an asshole. Sure, I was a bit of an asshole before, but you aliens seem to bring out the true asshole in me. Go figure.”
We both laughed.
“Right, blame it on the aliens.”
“I have an idea for something fun and probably funny to do today. Would you like to go to the space center and take a tour? See how us monkeys do it?”
“That sounds like fun but what’s so funny about that?”
“Think about it. You, an alien, touring the space center. The tour guides telling you how space travel works. Maybe it’s more ironic than funny but I am going to have to get pictures of that. One day it will be hilarious. Unfortunately, there are no launches scheduled while you’re here.”
“What makes you think I’ve never seen a launch before? I was there when the first man landed on the Moon you know.”
“Show off.”
“But I haven’t actually taken a tour of the facilities before. That should be interesting.”
“Too bad you left your onesie behind. That would be the perfect outfit to wear for a tour of the space center. Most people would just think you were some Trekkie.”
We got our lazy asses up out of bed, showered and got dressed. I made some real coffee which Milly refused to drink. I put a tea pot on to boil some water so she could have tea. We then corralled the dogs and took them out for a long morning walk. I had Milly walk Kat and Kat started to warm up to her. Kat loved her walks so this was the best way to get on her good side.
We had a simple breakfast of fruit and headed off to the space center. I stopped on the way and picked up the day’s edition of Florida Today.
When we reached the main entrance, I pulled over and had Milly pose in front of the entrance sign, a big blue globe with the NASA logo overlaid, for our first photo. Milly held the Florida Today in her right hand with her index finger pointing to the day’s date and with her left hand I had her do the Vulcan salute. PRICELESS!
We took a lot of photos but my other favorite was Milly standing in front of the Space Shuttle Atlantis exhibit. Her right hand was pulling her shades down on her nose as she peered over them. There was a dirty smirk on her face and her left hand was out in front of her with the index finger and thumb doing the small penis hand sign. Even I had to admit that Sammy’s shuttle was much bigger than the Atlantis. All the photos had the date and time included on them.
Milly made me promise I wouldn’t use any of my photos, whether from the ships or at the space center, in my book. Of course, she didn’t say anything about using drawings of any of the photos in my book. I did post the photos on my Facebook page, which isn’t under my real name. I guess you can search for them but you’ll never know if that’s really her or not. I asked her to transmit the pictures to Earth from the main ship when she got back. Sure, it would take a few hundred years to reach Earth, which she said would be fine. Now I had something to look forward to in the upcoming centuries. Yes, the asshole in me just couldn’t help but screw with the future’s SETI employees.
The rest of our three day vacation I tried to fill with other unique Florida activities. We hit Playalinda beach on probably one of the most beautiful days ever. We got to sit and watch a mother dolphin and her baby surf the waves. We did the airboat ride thing where she got to see alligators up close and we took a motorcycle ride to Sopotnicks’s Cabbage Patch to show her what a dive bar should look like. She asked about the coleslaw wrestling and I said it was one of those things that you can’t explain, it has to be seen to be believed. Without a doubt, these had to be the best three days of my life. Milly had noticed that the whole vacation I never once had a drink. I could only say it was obvious that not having to deal with any alien bullshit was most probably the reason.
On her last night on Earth we had a nice dinner and we snuggled up on the couch to watch some TV and just spend some time alone. As I browsed the TV guide menu I saw that The Guardians of the Galaxy was free, on demand, and I decided to pick that one to show Milly what a real space adventure looked like. We weren’t more than a few minutes into the movie before Milly had to say something.
“Are you kidding me Guerin? This is what you think travelling through the universe should be like?”
“Well yes. Look at the sexy spaceship this guy has. Now that’s how to travel, and it has a good sound system and decent tunes.”
“And a hot fuchsia space babe in his cabin that he doesn’t even know what her name is?”
“Well I’d say she was more pink than fuchsia Milly, but other than that I’d have to say sure. I mean thinking about it, I probably should have played the space babe field a little more like this guy. Falling for the first hot space babe that looked at me twice probably wasn’t the smartest move on my part.”
Milly just shook her head as usual when she didn’t understand me and we continued to watch and critique the show.
“See, he’s flirting with all the space babes he meets. I don’t see you getting upset at him like you do when I do it.”
“He’s a comic book character Guerin. Is that what you want to be?”
“If it’s that much fun, I guess the answer would be yes.”
“You really are something Guerin. I guess you have a thing for the green space babe as well?”
“Oh, you don’t even want to get me started on that.”
“Don’t hold back now. I’d love to hear all about it.”
“Well I’ve had a thing for green space babes since I was a little boy and saw my first Orion slave girl in the original Star Trek series. Don’t ask me why, but I just do. You’re lucky I didn’t run into any on my little trip. If Prima and Seca had been Orion slave girls that would have been the end of our relationship.”
“Well maybe I should change my skin color then, if that’s what would make you happy.”
“Can you do that?”
Suddenly there was an excruciating pain coming from my groin area. It seemed to be related to the sudden motion of Milly’s knee.
“CHRIST MILLY!”
“I’m sorry Guerin. My knee seemed to just move on its own. I don’t know why.”
“There was no need for that. I was just thinking a little fantasy role playing might be fun, if you could actually turn your skin green. You’d have to change your hair color as well, but if you could, it might actually be fun.”
“Why don’t you just ask Prima and Seca to indulge your fantasy next time you see them?”
“Because it would be more fun with you, you stupid alien. If you’d just take the time to research Orion slave girls you might find that you’d actually enjoy playing the part.”
“You were right. I shouldn’t have gotten you started on that!”
“I did warn you.” I replied as I began to tickle and abuse my sweet alien space babe. It took a while to get her over her jealousy but I knew what buttons I needed to push. I hadn’t spent a week in space and not learned anything.
When the movie ended I asked her, “So are you going to tell me you didn’t enjoy that movie?”
“It was fun to watch, but come on Guerin. It’s not even the slightest bit realistic. Even you’d have to admit that.”
“Sure, but you have to admit, that having watched that, you can see how I might be slightly let down by our little space adventure. How is my book ever going to compete with that?”
“Well your book is loosely, and I mean loosely, based on the truth. That has to count for something.”
“My poor little space babe. You’re so naïve. I guess there are a few things in this universe your super-intelligent mind simply can’t grasp.”
“Keep it up Guerin
and I may just grasp something.”
I spent the rest of the evening making up to Milly for being such an asshole. Still I wasn’t giving up on that role-playing idea. Milly had the makings of one damn fine Orion slave girl. I just thought I’d give it some time before I ever brought it up again.
Chapter 34
Goodbye
Milly and I woke up to another beautiful morning. It was her last day on Earth and I didn’t want this vacation to ever end. After we got done with the dog’s morning walk we settled back in the kitchen for our breakfast. It was just like all the other days on our vacation except I knew it was coming to an end.
“So, how’s the book coming along Guerin?”
“As I promised, I haven’t been working on it since I got back, but it still needs something. All the sci-fi books I’ve read the hero gets to have a lot of fun terrorizing the galaxy or saving the planet and what do I have?”
Milly grabbed my iPad.
“You mean like this one here?” She brought up one of my favorite series. “The hero is a special forces soldier abducted by aliens. He escapes and starts killing aliens by the droves, for money and fun. Then he saves Earth, then the galaxy, and finally the universe.”
“Yea. I really like that series. We have a lot in common actually. Maybe I’m no Delta Force commando but I did bitch slap an alien emperor and we both nailed the hottest space babe in the universe.”
“You’re really proud of that, aren’t you?”
“Well bitch slapping the emperor of an alien world kind of looks good on a spaceman’s resume don’t you think?”
“Sure, but I’m not sure I like being the hot space babe that gets nailed in your little story.”
“It’s just an expression. I did add that you were the hottest space babe in the whole universe so don’t I get brownie points for that?”
“I guess.”
“What about this story, where the old soldiers get abducted, overwhelm the aliens and steal their ships. Once again they go out and save the Earth from alien invaders.”
