Mia often wondered whether her dad understood how disengaged his wife had been, and for how long. Perhaps if Mia hadn’t tried to cover things up then he might have done something about it earlier. Perhaps not. It was just unfortunate circumstances that her parents had been so wholly unsuitable a match and the children were just innocent victims caught in the fallout of their unhappy marriage.
Mia could be mostly philosophical about it when she had some physical distance from everything, but just now the ghosts of past disappointments were crowding close. It was also becoming clear to Mia that Kiki was far from okay and that her marriage was becoming increasingly difficult to bear.
A tiny part of Mia just wanted to get away from it all and hide away back at Butterfly Cove. Surely it was past time she was responsible for everything and everybody? Surely she had suffered enough of her own pain and it was time for Kiki to stand on her own two feet? Almost as soon as the thoughts formed, Mia felt sick and treacherous. She sounded like her parents: selfish, childish and self-centred.
Mia had been fortunate in her choice of husband and both Jamie and his parents had shown her what proper family life was meant to be like. Kiki had thought she would be safe and sheltered with Neil. He had seemed strong and in control. It was only once it was too late that Kiki had come to realise that Neil was weak and spoiled. A small-minded bully who needed to push others down to boost himself up. Kiki was a ready-made gift for him to exploit. Desperate for love with no real sense of self, she’d been wide open and vulnerable to his flattering attentions.
With a sigh, Mia pressed the phone closer to her ear and let Daniel bring her what comfort he could from so far away.
‘So, what are you wearing?’ he rasped and Mia burst into gales of laughter.
‘Have a heart, pet. A man has needs, you know?’ Daniel tried to sound hurt, but there was no disguising the laughter in his voice. His silly ploy had the desired effect and dragged Mia at least partially out of her sour mood.
‘I’m going to be here for a few more days, at least the weekend, maybe longer. I’m back at Bill and Pat’s and I’ve got the kids with me. Kiki is…’ Mia felt her throat catch and she swallowed hard and tried again. ‘Kiki’s in a bad place and I need to do what I can to help her. I’ve got to sort this dinner out for Dad, much as it pains me to do anything to help Neil and his stupid friends.’ She paused and then decided to share the selfish thought she’d had earlier.
‘I don’t want to be here; I don’t want to deal with all this shit. I just want to come home and lie in bed with you and weave our future plans. Oh hell, Daniel, I’m such an awful sister to feel like this but I just can’t seem to help it.’ Her last words were barely a whisper and she bit hard into her lip to stop any more spilling out.
‘Hush now, hush, darling. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. We’re all pretty selfish at heart. We all struggle and strive for the things we want and feel disappointed when we don’t get our own way. You didn’t hesitate when Kiki called you, did you? You dropped everything and ran to help her. Even though it meant dealing with some of your own pain by seeing Jamie’s parents, you did it without complaint. Well maybe a little bit of complaint, but that’s what I’m here for, sweetheart. I’m in it for the good and the bad. Look at what you did for me. You didn’t want me and my mess interfering with your life, but you didn’t turn me away.’
Mia nodded along with Daniel’s words. He was right and she was being silly. Feeling guilty for not doing more to help Kiki in the past. This time she would make it right; she would fix what was wrong with her sister.
‘Do you want me to come up? The guys have got to head back to town this weekend ready for work on Monday so I can close up the house and come to you if you need me.’
Oh, how tempted Mia was to jump at his offer. If Daniel came up then she could lean on him, let him carry the burdens of her past. She didn’t want to be the responsible adult; she wanted to be the needy child. She opened her mouth to say Yes! Yes, come and sort this mess out for me, but she didn’t. She closed her mouth and drew a deep breath. Daniel had his own issues to deal with, his own past and secrets and messes to resolve, and it hadn’t been many weeks ago that he’d been brought low by the weight of it all.
Mia had never been one to shovel her burdens onto another person, not even with Jamie. He’d given her his love and support, but she hadn’t depended on him. Had never depended on anyone other than herself to make things right. She was the big sister, the coper, the manager, and that wasn’t about to change now. Mia would not surrender herself up to another person that way. Her mother had done it, so had Kiki when it came to it, but not Mia.
Stubborn, mouthy, interfering: all labels her brother-in-law and others had thrown at her in scorn. All parts of her personality she carried with pride.
‘I’ll be all right, Daniel. It makes me feel good to know that you would come to me if I need it, but I’m really okay. This is really okay, well it’s not, but I’m going to make it okay.’ With every word, her voice grew more determined, more certain. ‘I would rather you stayed there and carried on working on the house. Hold our dreams fast for me, Daniel. Hold them tight and keep working towards them and that will give me the strength that I need.’
‘If you’re really sure?’
‘I am.’
‘Okay then, now back to my previous question: what are you wearing?’
Chapter Nineteen
Mia sat propped up in bed, grateful again that Pat and Bill had a brood of grandchildren so they had naturally swung into action dealing with Matty and Charlie. Bill had distracted Matty with card games and riddles. Pat had breezed around the kitchen with Charlie glued to her hip, recognising that the little girl felt a bit lost and in need of lots of kisses and cuddles.
Mia had been happy to rattle around, putting together a simple supper for the children and a more elaborate meal for her in-laws, the least she could do to say thank you. It was a credit to her mother-in-law that she recognised Mia’s need to be helpful and had surrendered her kitchen, happy to find whatever Mia needed, set the table, rinse dishes. Play the supporting role.
The children had been settled into the bedroom next door. It was set up with a couple of single beds as well as a cot and it was full of toys and games. Glow stars on the ceiling and a night light by the door helped to settle the children down and Mia had happily read them stories until they had drifted off.
Bill and Pat had planned a trip to the local wildlife park for the next day; it would keep the children occupied and give Mia the chance to focus on Kiki and the dreaded dinner party at her father’s. Mia was planning the menu, a few options for each course as well as a vegetarian alternative. She was wondering whether her father would appreciate the humour in a pastiche of the archetypal seventies’ dinner party when a noise at her door caught her attention. She had left the door slightly open and she could see a shadowy outline.
‘Matty, darling, is everything all right?’
The door pushed open wider and her nephew stood there, clutching his sister’s chubby little hand and shifting his weight from foot to foot uncertainly. Mia put her notepad on the bedside cabinet and lifted the edge of the quilt up, shifting across as she did so. She smiled and patted the warm bit of the bed invitingly, nodding her head in encouragement.
‘We’re not supposed to get out of bed, but Charlie had a bad dream and she didn’t remember where she was.’ Matty spoke softly, his eyes cast down as though waiting to be scolded.
Mia looked over Matty’s lowered head at his little sister who seemed perfectly fine if a bit sleepy.
‘I was feeling very lonely,’ Mia said as she held her hand out towards them. ‘You would be doing me a big favour if you would come and keep me company for a bit.’
Matty looked up shyly and Mia forced herself to hold her smile at the worry she saw in the little boy’s eyes. She wondered if it was Neil who had made his son so afraid to seek comfort in the night. She could not imagine Kiki wou
ld ever turn her children away.
‘Come on, you two. I’m letting all the heat out; jump up now.’ That last little bit of encouragement was all that was needed before Mia was overwhelmed by two wriggly, chilly little bodies that tried to burrow in as close as possible. With a bit of shifting around, including Mia lifting Charlie across her, she soon had one child tucked on either side of her and they snuggled deeply under the quilt.
Charlie sighed, clutched a handful of Mia’s top, and dropped off almost immediately. Matty lay there, very still, but Mia could tell that he was still awake. She turned her head and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.
‘What’s up, doc?’ she said softly and was rewarded with a little giggle. It had been a favourite phrase of Jamie’s and the way he had always greeted Matty. Matty turned on his side and curled his little arm across Mia’s middle, resting his head in the crook of her shoulder.
‘Do you miss Uncle Jamie?’ he whispered and Mia felt her heart clutch.
‘I miss him every day, darling. Every single day.’ She took a deep breath and screwed her courage tight. Matty clearly had something on his mind and she would have to eat her own pain to help him through.
‘Do you miss him, Matty? You know that he didn’t mean to leave us, don’t you? That it was just a horrible accident?’
‘Daddy said that Uncle Jamie would be glad.’ Mia bit the inside of her cheek, hoping that Matty had misunderstood something he had overheard rather than it being another example of Neil’s cruelty and spite.
‘Uncle Jamie would be glad about what, darling?’ It was a battle to keep her voice gentle and even.
‘Glad about being free from you, Aunty Mia, but I don’t understand what he meant. He said you are a hairy dean. What’s one of them? You don’t seem hairy to me.’ Matty sat up and stared quizzically at Mia and she swallowed hard as a bomb exploded in her brain.
‘I think your daddy said that I am a harridan, which isn’t true. Your daddy thinks I speak too much and should be quiet and nice like your mummy. I’m not very good at keeping quiet though, Matty, but your Uncle Jamie never minded that.’
‘I wish Daddy wasn’t so loud. He makes Mummy cry when he tells her off. She thinks I don’t see her, but I know that she cries. Her face gets very white and her nose goes all red.’
It was one of those horrible moments when Mia hated that she was the grown-up and she would have to pick her way carefully through the minefield the conversation with her nephew had become. ‘Is Daddy loud a lot, Matty? Is he loud at you and Charlie or just Mummy?’ Mia clamped down on her anger, determined to let this poor little boy have a safe place to voice his worries and fears.
‘He gets loud if I’ve done something wrong, like if I don’t get top marks in a test or if I make too much noise when he is trying to work. He doesn’t like it if Charlie cries and he blames Mummy for not looking after her properly. I don’t get things wrong as often as Mummy does. She’s stupid. I don’t think she is stupid—she always helps me with my homework—but Daddy says she is stupid. That’s what he calls her, like it’s her name.’
Mia swallowed hard against the bile that suddenly burned in the back of her throat. She felt physically sick at the images that her nephew was painting of his life at home. He was only seven years old and already being damaged by Neil’s abhorrent behaviour. She placed her hand on the back of Matty’s head and urged him to settle back down against her. She stroked his soft, sweet hair lightly and tried not to let him see how angry she was.
‘Don’t worry about anything, sweet boy. I’m going to help your mummy tomorrow.’
Matty sighed and snuggled closer. Mia muttered under her breath: ‘And if your daddy thinks I’m a hairy dean, he ain’t seen nothing yet.’
Mia raised her hand to her sister’s front door, hesitated then knocked harder than she’d originally intended. There was nothing about today that she was looking forward to but delaying the inevitable was pointless. The door swung open and Mia flinched at her sister’s pale, pasty face. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen and her waist-length hair trailed lank and greasy down her back. Kiki attempted a watery smile, which got stuck somewhere along the way, and Mia stepped around her and inside the house, pushing the door gently shut before she gathered Kiki into her arms.
Kiki seemed to lose all ability to hold herself up as she melted into Mia’s arms, leaving her no choice but to lower them both to the floor. Kiki buried her head in Mia’s lap and sobbed. The wracking shudders of her body shattered Mia’s heart as she bent low over her sister’s head and stroked her back. She whispered quietly to Kiki, told her how much she loved her, how sorry she was that she had left her alone, that it would be okay now. In the end that was all she could repeat over and over: ‘It’ll be okay, now.’
The storm passed as quickly as a summer squall and Kiki soon quieted. Mia continued to soothe and stroke her sister until she finally raised her head and loosed an undignified sniff, which made them both giggle weakly. Mia pressed her forehead to Kiki’s and drew a deep breath. She’d always believed it was better to lance a wound than leave it to fester and she had a feeling these would not be the last of her sister’s tears that day.
She pulled back to clasp her sister’s face and stare into her eyes. ‘All right for a minute? Let’s get the kettle on and work out what needs to be done today.’
Kiki tried to draw a settling breath, coughed and made a second, better attempt. She nodded and pushed herself to her feet, clasping Mia’s hand and drawing her up. Kiki kept hold of her hand as they entered the kitchen and she sank into the nearest chair, as though that small effort had overwhelmed her again.
Mia patted her hand before freeing her own and bustling around the kitchen, putting on the kettle and brewing them both an industrial-strength cup of tea. There were days when Mia wished she had developed a taste for coffee but she had never accustomed her palate to the bitter brew. She plunked the cups down on the table and drew her notepad and a pen from the depths of her shoulder bag. She pushed one of the mugs up against Kiki’s fingers until she wrapped them around the hot mug and then nodded once.
‘Okay, let’s get started…’
‘The kids?’
‘They are okay. We had a sleepover in my bed and they are fine. Bill and Pat have taken them to the wildlife park and will keep them for the rest of the weekend.’ Mia raised her hand when Kiki sought to protest and her words died on her lips. ‘Matty and Charlie will stay with them for the rest of the weekend. The kids need some downtime too, Kiki. You need to pull yourself together before you see them again. Matty is worried sick about you. Charlie is confused but hopefully too young to understand what’s going on.’
Mia took a mouthful of hot tea and relished the burn as she pressed on. ‘Matty tells me that Neil has a nickname for you.’ Kiki flinched and Mia shook her head as her worst fears were realised. ‘Your husband calls you Stupid. In front of the children. And you let him.’ She paused between each statement, feeling awful at witnessing her sister’s pain but determined to have everything out in the open.
Kiki didn’t speak. She just kept her eyes lowered to the mug of tea in front of her and Mia wanted to shake her. How had she allowed herself to become so beaten down, so cowed by life? Even in the depths of her grief over Jamie’s death there had been an indomitable part of Mia’s spirit that had driven her forwards.
Kiki seemed to have no spark, no sense of purpose left, and it made Mia furious to behold it. She couldn’t honestly say whether her anger was aimed at her sister or Neil. Both probably, and her parents too for being such useless role models when they were growing up.
Kiki had always been the softest of them, the sweetest of hearts and therefore so easily damaged. Their mother took full advantage of it when they were older, pleading with Kiki to help her ease the pain of whatever non-existent ailment she was claiming. Just a little nip, just a small shot to help her sleep, and Kiki couldn’t refuse. She couldn’t or wouldn’t see the manipulative gleam in Vivian�
�s eye when she got her way and Kiki snuck her a drink.
Mia had tried to persuade her father to remove the alcohol from the house but he refused to acknowledge the problem, hiding from the truth in his study. Bloody coward. An unexpected wave of anger swamped her. If George had only stood up to Vivian, things might have been different.
Kiki had been prime fodder for the likes of Neil. A few years older, originally a protégé of their father’s, he had paid small flattering attentions to Kiki. A CD he thought she would enjoy, a ragged posy of flowers. All he could afford so he claimed and Kiki had swallowed every sweet thing that he said, desperate for affection and validation. Neil had seemed harmless enough at first and Mia had not discouraged his attentions towards her sister, as it was just a relief to see her smile and blossom a little.
Kiki was the prettiest of the three of them—it did no harm to Mia’s ego to acknowledge it. But Kiki had never been able to see it for herself. Her modesty and shyness had drawn Neil, who lapped it up every time Kiki looked at him with such devotion. Her desperation fed his ego and before anyone knew what was happening, the couple were away to the registry office and married.
Jamie had courted Mia whilst they were still at school and Mia had been too caught up in her own happiness to recognise that all was not well in her sister’s marriage until it was too late. Kiki was pregnant and Neil was furious at the extra expense on his modest salary. He had made it clear that he blamed Kiki for the problem.
After the baby had been born, Kiki had revelled in motherhood, finally able to connect with a being who would love her unconditionally and who she could love equally in return without fear of reprisal.
Neil, however, did not take well to the loss of Kiki’s attention and began to sulk and pick at her, in an effort to get it back. Still in love with him and inured to years of being the one at fault, Kiki took it all to heart and soon believed that everything that was wrong in her marriage was down to her. She didn’t work, so why didn’t she have time to get everything in the house straight? How difficult was it to make sure that there was a meal waiting for Neil when he got home? Why hadn’t she noticed that his suit needed dry-cleaning when he had an important meeting?
Sunrise at Butterfly Cove Page 15
