by India Millar
I turned the package in my hands. I had no idea why, but I was frightened of it. I was shaking so much I had trouble focusing on the inscription on the front. When I did, I trembled still harder.
To my dear daughter
I held it out to Mineko to show her, desperate for her to confirm what is said. She shook her head in bewilderment.
“It’s for you, Midori No Me. Not me. Oh, open it, do. Read it out loud. Quick!”
I dropped the folded pages twice before I could hold it still enough to read. The writing was cramped and looked to have been written in a hurry.
My Dear Daughter,
I am sorry you must read this. I have no idea how long it has taken to get to you, even less idea of what has happened to you, what sort of life you have led away from me. I can only hope that my dear friend Big…
I paused and stared at Mineko in disbelief. She waved her hands frantically at me to continue. I cleared my throat and tried again.
I can only hope that my dear friend Big has been able to look after you, as he promised he would. Has he spoken to you about me, dear one? Explained why I had to leave you? I pray so. But now I can tell you in my own words.
You must know that I ran away with my Barbarian lover, your father. His name, if you do not know, is – or at least the nearest I can get to it in Japanese – is Seemon. He came to the Green Tea House for months before you were born. The other girls thought him ugly, but I could see nothing but his gentleness. He made me laugh, made me feel as if I was the most beautiful woman in Edo. Made me feel as I was human, not just a slave who sang and played and danced to order for any man who had her price in his pocket. I fell deeply in love with him, and to my joy, he loved me. I felt it said much that he not only tried to learn to speak Japanese, but also learned to read and write it. He taught me a few words of English as well.
Seemon tried to buy me off Auntie, but she would have none of it. At that time, I had several patrons who were interested in buying me for a mistress, but it was not really the money that mattered. Auntie felt that to sell me to a Barbarian would bring shame on the tea house and told Seemon that no matter how much he offered, it would not be enough.
So I took him as my lover. We were very happy for a time, but then I discovered that I was pregnant with you. Apart from my mizuage, I had had no lover other than Seemon, so I was proud to tell him that he was your father. He thought that it would force Auntie’s hand, but I knew that would not happen. Ever. She would have killed me – and you – first.
So we decided that we would run away together. I was perhaps slightly more than seven months pregnant at the time. I was always very slim and by tying my kimono and obi very tightly, and making sure I always bathed alone, I managed to hide you. Only Big knew, but he was my friend and I knew I could trust him. We made our plans very carefully, your father and I, but you, my dearest daughter, were in a very great hurry to get into the world, and you decided to arrive while I was still at the tea house.
At least you had the sense to arrive on a night of the festival of the cherry blossom, when Auntie had taken the rest of the girls out to see and be seen. I pleaded a stomach ache and insisted I could not be parted from the lavatory. Auntie wasn’t happy to leave me, but the other girls nattered at her and she gave in.
We were going to slip away as soon as everybody left. Your father had a carriage standing by, which was to take us to a ship moored in Edo. But fate did not like us. I had felt ill all day, my stomach really was painful. I had no idea what childbirth felt like. When everybody had gone, Big let Seemon into the tea house, and he knew at once what was happening. We were frantic. I wanted to go anyway, but Seemon said no, it was impossible. I could not be moved. He would stay, he said, and face Auntie at my side. But you, daughter, you had other ideas! You were born shortly after midnight. Big said that if I could walk, he would help me to the carriage, which was still waiting. I wanted to take you with me, dear one. I said I would not go without you, but Big said it was no use. You would never survive the journey, you were too young, too fragile. I said I would stay in that case, but Big said if I did, then Auntie would have all three of us killed before morning. And she would have, you know. Nobody would have known.
I had just given birth. I was very young and I was terrified. I was in no state to argue. Big promised he would look after you, that he would tell you about me. I hoped that it would not be long before I sent for you. Big took you from my arms. He gave me a few moments to scribble this note to you, and I put all the money I had saved in a casket for you. He promised that if I did not get you back by the time you were old enough to understand, he would give them both to you. And I have to be satisfied with that.
So, my dear daughter, don’t let anyone tell you that your father and I did not love you. For that is not true, and never will be. You are the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and your eyes are the exact color of your father’s eyes. We both love you and will think about you every day until we are together again.
Trust Big, for he has been a good friend to me.
Your loving mother,
Terue
I finished with a gasp. Mineko and I stared at each other, both unable to speak. I realized I was holding my breath and took a deep gulp of air. “All these years,” I said. “All these years, I thought she had abandoned me because I was so ugly. Because I was deformed. Because she was ashamed of me. And it wasn’t that at all. She wanted to come back for me. Oh, Mineko!”
My voice choked. I could find no more words. I was not ugly. My mother did not hate me. I even had a father who loved me. I shook my head in disbelief. Mineko had tears in her eyes. She did not speak, but reached out and took my hand, and we sat in silence for a few minutes. It was sensible Mineko who came to life first.
“Come on, we have to go to the other girls. You need to be with them when your maid comes to take you home.” I nodded, shaking myself to regain my wits.
“Mineko, will you keep the gold, here? I have nowhere I could hide it that Akira would not find. I will keep the letter,” I folded it as if it was the most precious thing, and hid it in my obi. “I think I can just slide it under the shrine at Akira’s house. He will not look there, he is not a religious man.”
Mineko nodded briskly. “Of course. I have somewhere where it will not be found.” Of course she did. We all had our secret places in the Hidden House.
The other girls welcomed me happily, and I sat down to be immersed in the gossip. I could barely concentrate, I was so happy, but I made sure I had a few juicy tidbits for Akira. There were two new girls in the room, and I stared at them in astonishment. They were identical twins. The girls glanced at me without interest and did not speak. They simply sat, hand in hand, and stared into space.
Kiku was openly rude about them, but they either didn’t notice or care.
“Just look at them,” she sneered. “They do that all the time. If you talk to one, the other one answers. Then the first one finishes off the sentence. When they talk to each other, it sounds as if they are speaking Japanese, but when you listen it’s just nonsense. Only those two understand it. And they sleep together on the same futon. There’s something really…unnatural about them. I don’t trust them for a minute. Auntie’s over the moon with them, though. She’s going to offer the patrons two for the price of one once they’ve had their mizuage. She has to. They’ve no talents at all. They can’t sing or dance or play the samisen, nothing. They’re courtesans, not geisha.” She sniffed her disapproval.
“Tell Midori No Me your news, Kiku.” Masaki giggled.
Kiku simpered, the expression so unlike her that I was startled. “I’ve been bought out.” She grinned.
I congratulated her and then looked at the other girls, who were all giggling. “Who?” I demanded.
“Mori-san.”
I broke into a broad grin. Dear, dear Mori-san! Kiku would make a wonderful wife for him, much better than I ever would. I congratulated her heartily, and meant it.
&n
bsp; “Something else, as well.” Masaki was bursting to bring me up to date with the gossip. “The Green Tea House has a new patron. We don’t know who he is, but he’s an important nobleman. Not from Edo. He’s been coming for the last month, once or twice a week. He always asks for a different geisha each time, and he’s very generous with his presents. You should see his carriage and his robes! All the geisha are mad to take their turn with him, but so far he’s not expressed a real interest in any of them.”
“He doesn’t come here, then?” I asked. The girls shook their heads in unison. All except the twins, who simply sat and stared into space, although I had the distinct impression that they were listening to every word that was said. I knew what Kiku meant. There was something about them that left me uneasy. I decided I would make sure I said nothing at all in their presence that I would not be happy for Akira to hear.
“I wish he would,” Mineko said cheerfully. “I could do with the sort of presents he hands out.” She grinned slyly and all the girls laughed. Except the twins, whose faces remained expressionless. I could feel them watching me as I rose to go.
Akira interrogated me over supper. I was intensely grateful for the acting skills I had learned in the Hidden House. I kept my tone of voice light and amused, and at the same time made sure that my body language was deferential, obviously grateful to him for allowing me to go to the Hidden House.
He nodded when I told him about the twins. He knew about them, of course. I ventured to say that they seemed a little strange. He grinned and said they were fine girls, that there was nothing at all wrong with them. I was right, then, they were his creatures and would report every word that was said in the Hidden House. It was the first time that Akira had made the slightest slip, and I was careful to pretend I had not noticed. He also knew about Kiku, but pretended to be surprised.
He was most interested in the gossip about the nobleman. Had I seen his carriage? Did the girls say what he looked like? Did they know anything about him, at all? I shook my head. No, he never strayed from the Green Tea House. I had not seen him, I apologized.
He shrugged. “No matter. I will find out. I believe he is an important man from Kyoto. I wonder what has bought him all the way to Edo for his amusement.”
I frowned. It was hardly unusual. Many wealthy men made the pilgrimage to Edo – to the Floating World – once a year. I would try and find out, I said. Akira nodded.
He seemed distracted and went out with his henchmen in tow as soon as he had eaten. I retired to my bedroom and forced myself to wait until I was sure beyond doubt that he really had gone. Nekko was a good indicator. Whenever Akira was in the house, he would not settle but prowled around growling to himself. Now, he came and sat on my knee and curled up.
I took the letter from my obi and read it and re-read it. I was deeply reluctant to let it out of my sight, but eventually I decided I had to hide it somewhere safe. If Akira found it, he would not be pleased. Not pleased at all. As I thought, the household shrine sat in a slightly indented base. I could only lift it with a huge effort, but it was enough to slide the letter underneath. Once the shrine was in place again, it looked as if it had not been moved in a hundred years. It would be difficult to get the letter out again, but no matter. I already knew it by heart.
I lay down to sleep in a contented haze. I was so joyful, I could not get comfortable but wriggled until the futon and bedding was a wrinkled mess. It didn’t matter. I could have slept on the tatami and been happy. I went over the letter in my head, over and over and over. I was on the verge of sleep when something occurred to me and I bolted upright. Annoyed, Nekko dug his claws into my arm, but I barely noticed.
Suddenly, the thing that had been submerged by my joy at discovering my mother surfaced. Big. Mother had said that Big was her true friend. That he had helped her to escape. Had promised to look after me. Big. Bigger had said that Big loved my mother, hadn’t he? If he truly loved her, then why had he gone back on his promise to her to look after me? Why hadn’t he given me her letter and the money years ago? And now that the train of thought was in motion, it ran on with its own steam. Why had the letter arrived now? Had Big sent it? Who was the priest who had delivered it? Why, why, why? I had no answer to any of it. Bewildered and exhausted by the sudden knowledge that had erupted in my life, I lay down, sure I would never sleep. Nekko cuddled up on my stomach and before I knew it, it was morning.
Chapter Twenty
Each new day with you
Is a Journey into the
Unknown
Whether by accident or design, I was not allowed back to the Hidden House on my own for the next six weeks. Akira said he had much business with the foreign Barbarians, so he accompanied me. I sometimes wondered if he spoke more English than he pretended, so I was always meticulous in my translations. After the business was done, I was allowed to visit with my friends while Akira went to chat with Auntie. It wasn’t the same with him there, and I certainly never dared to go aside with Mineko, but it was better than nothing.
Kiku was near her time to leave and was as giggly as a young girl. The other girls looked at her with envy. To my surprise, I realized that they envied me even more. They plied me with questions constantly. Was it true that Akira-san had one of the most splendid houses in the whole of Edo? Was I wearing yet another new kimono and obi? How many had he given me? How many maids did he keep? And – time and time again – what was he like as a lover? I kept half an eye on the silent twins when I answered, but knew my responses were satisfactory when the girls sighed and looked at me jealously.
The unknown nobleman was still visiting the Green Tea House, they said. He seemed to favor two geisha in particular, and they were ready to tear each other’s hair out in jealousy. Gossip had it that he was either known at the once-again important Imperial Court itself or at least had connections there. Perhaps he was looking to ingratiate himself with the emperor. In any event, money seemed to be no object to him, and with each visit he became more handsome, more desirable. The only strange thing about him, they whispered, was that he never asked for any courtesan to be bought to the Green Tea House for him, nor did he ask for directions to one. Where he went when he took his leave from the favored geisha of the day, nobody seemed to know. Still, who knew what went on in men’s heads? Who cared, as long as they were rich and young and handsome!
I passed the gossip on to Akira, who told me to find out more. I guessed he, also, had no idea who the mystery man was and that it both irked and worried him. Nothing was allowed to go on in the Floating World that Akira did not know of and approve.
He was solicitous that day when I was ready to set off for the Hidden House. The afternoon was overcast and he said it might rain. Was I going to wear my new cloak and my high geti? I was relieved. He had been strange to me for the past few days, and it worried me. Even in the midst of my new happiness, I wondered if he was tiring of me. I was under no illusion. If he was, then I was dead. It would be below Akira-san’s dignity to let me go back to the Hidden House. Certainly not to any other house, respectable or not, in Edo. Nor would he simply pay me off and let me go. I not only bore his mark, but I knew far too much about him. No, if he had had enough of me, I would simply disappear from the face of the earth. And nobody – except, possibly, Mineko, and I prayed she would have more sense of her own self-worth – would dare to even comment, still less ask.
Akira had taken to coming to my futon later and later. For almost a week, he laid beside me in the darkness, silent and still. I lay awake with him, counting the minutes and hours until his breathing told me he was asleep. This was what terrified me. If he had no use for me in his bed, how long would my usefulness with the Barbarians keep me alive? Although I hated his very touch, I decided I had to take the chance. I had to find out. A couple of days before, I waited until he was still before leaning across and pulling the bedding back. He did not move. I placed my hand on his bare chest, running my fingers down his body. In the pitch darkness, I was certain I c
ould feel the slightly raised outlines of his tattoos, feel the heat of the colors.
Instead of finding his erection, I stroked his chest and ribs, tickling him as if he was Nekko. He moved slightly, and I paused immediately, waiting for some sort of direction. Nothing. Very well, I would finish what I had started. His arms were straight beside his body. I ran my tongue down the inside of his arm, sliding over his wrist and finding his palm. That, I nibbled and licked. Nothing. I grimaced in the darkness, finally forcing my lips to find the tips of his fingers. I took each one in turn in my mouth, sucking gently. I closed my eyes and made myself take the stump of his little finger between my teeth.
Akira loved that. Months before, when I had found how much it aroused him to have his fingers caressed, I had dared to ask him how he had come to lose most of his little finger. He had laughed at my ignorance.
“I chopped it off myself,” he said. I stared at him in shocked disbelief. Why? Akira grinned. “Many years ago, when I was a very lowly yakuza, there was some question of my loyalty to my master. I cut the finger off to prove my loyalty to him.”
Ever after that, I hated even touching the stump of the finger. And the more I hated it, the more Akira loved me taking it between my lips. But today, he was unmoved. Letting his finger slip from between my lips I placed my palms flat on his chest and began, very gently, to massage him, moving lower and lower with each stroke. I heard him sigh, and guessed he was finally enjoying my attentions. My hands moved lower and lower, finally finding his tree of flesh. I was relieved to find that that, at least, was very much awake. I lowered my head to his belly and began to lick his flesh, running my tongue down from his navel to his black moss. Before I could reach his erection, Akira-san put his hands on my shoulders.
He was tremendously strong. With just the power of his hands and arms, he pushed me up and held me in the air at arm’s length. I dangled like a boneless doll, unable to move as he pushed me higher and higher, until only my knees were on the floor, barely supporting my weight. With a sudden, almost careless flick, he jerked me upward and then lowered me so that I half fell, half sat, on his tree of flesh.
