by Tia Fielding
“The woman, she… she tried to rape me at first. But she couldn’t get me hard, which she took out on me by hitting me, and I think the starving was part of that too. She couldn’t rape me that way, so what she did was….” Emil swallowed hard against the bile rising in his throat and tried to hold his hands still. “She told the men that I should be tied to this bed that was there so I wouldn’t run. The men were going somewhere, move the drugs or something, and they left her with me with just one guy outside to guard the place.” His hands started to shake enough for Makai to reach over for his glass.
Emil felt grateful to have his hands empty, and for the fact that Makai didn’t seem to want him to stop. It would’ve been easier, but Makai knew enough about trauma to know that if Emil stopped, he couldn’t talk about it again in a while. It needed to come out at once.
“She had them tie me down and she… she used my hands, my fingers to… to touch herself.” He flashed back to the moment when he’d known she could do whatever she wanted to him. That nobody cared if he screamed, and he couldn’t move his arms, tied to his sides as they were. He’d tried to resist, but she’d punched him and laughed when he’d cried. “She got off on it, literally.” He sobbed out the words. “She was talking about how she wanted to sit on my face but how she bet I was a biter, when her boyfriend walked in.”
Makai had somehow faded into the distance, as if everything, including him, was out of focus somehow. Emil could feel the emotions rolling off Makai, though. The way he wanted to come closer and comfort him physically but knew not to try.
“I went into my head then. I don’t know what happened. But the next day, she wasn’t there, and the boyfriend broke my fingers, one by one.” He shook hard enough to have trouble sitting down. “They tried to get me to eat with them once, but I… even if I could’ve held something, my hands… they smelled like h-her.” He managed to get the words out and stumble off the rock and into the bushes before he threw up.
His ears were ringing, and his stomach clenched violently until nothing came out but bile. He could feel someone behind him, and he stumbled sideways, falling on the rocks.
“No! Don’t touch me!” he yelled, gripped by the fact that someone was in his space, someone’s body heat was right there.
“I’m not touching you, Emil.”
Makai. Shit. “S-sor—”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” Makai rumbled, and backed to where he’d sat before. “You’re safe. They’ll never touch you again.”
Everything came back into focus, and he came to on the ground, sitting on some rocks, the water lapping against the shore only a few feet away.
Slowly he got up and winced when his stomach contracted again.
Makai held out his glass. “Here, use it to rinse your mouth, but don’t drink any.”
Emil did as told, gagging at the taste of what he’d just thrown up. He poured the rest of the drink on the rocks as Makai did the same to his drink.
“Well, that was fun,” Emil murmured as he moved to his boulder.
“I’m sorry you had to talk about it,” Makai said, looking contrite.
“Hey, you need to know.”
“So, hands are….” It seemed like Makai didn’t know how to form the thought or the question, at least.
“I can jerk off sometimes, but occasionally I just… can’t. I don’t know how it’d be touching someone else.” Sometimes he couldn’t stay hard, and he had weird sense memories of how the woman’s sex had smelled on him. He would’ve liked to try fingering himself, he’d tried it enough in his teens to know he enjoyed it, but he just couldn’t physically make himself do it.
Makai seemed to notice he was lost in his head and just waited it out with him. Eventually, when he could talk again, Emil said, “I have no idea how we’d work. With all the issues between us.”
Smiling sadly, Makai nodded. “Maybe we don’t. But there’s no way of knowing that, and there’s no rush.”
“Well given that we’ve known each other for less than a week….” Emil ducked his head and chuckled.
“True. But I’m glad we talked about this. I… I think it’s important. Less fucking up when we know things like this.”
“Yeah….” Emil looked at Makai until their gazes locked. “I will never talk to anyone about what we shared today. Not even to Evy.”
“I won’t tell a soul, I promise.” Makai looked serious, but then humor entered his eyes and he held a hand toward Emil. “Pinky promise.”
Laughing, even through the occasional wooziness in his stomach, Emil reached to hook his pinky through Makai’s.
They got up soon after and started toward the house.
“You’re the only person I’ve talked about this except Evy,” Emil said thoughtfully. “I couldn’t talk about it to the shrinks they made me see. The woman, she didn’t admit to anything, and all they knew was that they’d tied me up, starved me, and someone had ruined my hands, because that was obvious when they found me.”
Makai hummed. “How long did it take for you to come home?”
“I was in the regular hospital for two months, and then at the psychiatric one for three more.” He opened the door because Makai had the glasses. “By the time I got home, people didn’t know what to do. The few friends I had from school didn’t know how to deal. I couldn’t be in the same room with anyone, and even my parents couldn’t touch me at all. Not that they do much now, but back then, I would scream and flip out and….” He didn’t like talking about it.
Makai took the glasses into the kitchen and came back with bottles of water for both of them.
“When you feel like eating, there’s still some of that salad, and we can make sandwiches or something,” he said, as he sat down. “Have you sobered up enough to check my laptop?”
Emil grinned. “Yeah, let’s see….”
THEY HAD a really nice afternoon and early evening together, after all the funk of digging into their pasts faded a bit. Emil should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy.
Makai drove him home, saying that he wanted to drive around a little. It might’ve been an excuse to spend a bit more time with Emil, or so he hoped anyway. When Makai parked in front of Emil’s house, they sat in the quiet for a while. Then Emil reached a hand to touch Makai’s gently.
Part of him wanted to stay with Makai. Despite all that had happened, Makai still felt like safety, like comfort. Eventually Emil pulled his hand away from where it’d rested on top of Makai’s and cleared his throat.
“Thanks for the nice day,” he said quietly.
Makai flashed him a small smile. “You too. Have a good night.”
To Emil’s surprise, he didn’t feel like anything was missing. He didn’t think they should’ve kissed or even hugged. Instead, he got out of the truck and waved, and Makai lifted his hand in response before driving off.
Emil went to bed early, feeling tired as fuck from all the socializing and angsting, and fell asleep immediately.
He woke up gasping, with his mother’s terrified voice ringing in his ears.
“Emil, Emil! Thank God, you’re awake!” she sobbed, hands grasping the doorframe as if physically holding herself back from coming closer.
He was soaked in sweat, and his throat felt weird. “W-what…?” He blinked at the light Mom must’ve turned on, and sat up in his bed.
“You were screaming, Emil,” she hiccupped, looking scared out of her mind.
“Oh no.” Emil closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for his heartbeat to get back to something resembling normal. “I’m so, so sorry, Mom,” he said quietly, at once feeling like he should be comforting her and wanting to crawl onto her lap to be comforted and loathing the fact that he could do neither. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, baby, it’s not.” Her tone was fierce now, and the mama bear she could sometimes be reared its head. “I got scared and worried, but we’re fine, we’re all fine.”
“Dad?”
“He’s at work, go
t called in for a car accident.”
“Okay. What time is it?”
“A little after three, honey. Do you want a drink?”
“Y-yeah, I think so. Let me come to the kitchen.”
He needed to walk a little, to loosen the weird not-quite-there tendrils of the dream he couldn’t really remember but had experienced enough times to know inside and out.
“Okay,” Mom said and went to pour him some orange juice.
It had been a thing, in the first couple of years after he’d gotten out of the hospital. His screams waking them all up, and Mom bringing him juice or him going to the kitchen. She’d been so scared back then too.
Emil was pretty sure she hadn’t really understood the trauma he’d suffered, the way his mind had warped to cope, before the first ten or so times he screamed in the night. Afterward, since it probably felt like the only thing she could do to help, she’d started this tradition. One they’d thought they didn’t have to go through again.
“What prompted this?” she asked quietly as she handed over the glass.
He sat at the breakfast table, and she took her old spot, leaning to the island nearby, but not too close. Distance. It all boiled down to distance.
“Talked with Makai,” he said hoarsely. Then he drank some of the juice, feeling it coat his mouth and hoping it helped his throat. “I told him a lot of things. Stuff he should know if….”
“If you become more than friends,” she stated, nodding slowly.
Nora Newman had gone through some shit. She’d married the sheriff’s deputy at twenty and had Emil at twenty-two. Giving birth to him had almost bled her to death, and she’d had to have an emergency hysterectomy right there and then. When Kalle had gotten shot at work only six months later, she’d gathered all her courage and strength and taken care of her son and husband, until everything was fine again.
She was… not soft. Not in the way some people perceived her. And then the kidnapping happened, and it nearly broke her. Emil knew this because they’d been in family therapy a few times, until he’d told everyone, including the shrink appointed to them, that he wouldn’t talk about it with his parents. None of it.
His dad had read the reports, of course. His dad was an inquisitive man, and he wouldn’t leave a stone unturned if it meant helping his family. Emil often wondered if he’d wished he’d never turned the last few stones when it came to the kidnapping and the details they never talked about but both knew his dad was aware of.
“Yeah,” Emil answered his mom, realizing he’d zoned out a little. It wasn’t new, either. It wasn’t dissociation really, just another way for his brain to cope.
“Your dad is worried about him,” she started, and then when Emil was about to open his mouth, she shushed him. “No, he was worried about him. I think he gained points by saving Joie.” She smiled at Emil, but he could see it was a little bit forced.
“You’ll have to meet him,” Emil said, knowing that she could hear the unsaid “to believe he’s a good man.”
“Yeah, I guess so. I might make a cake for Saturday. Bring it over.” She looked at him in a way that almost startled him, as if she was seeing him as an adult all of a sudden and not her baby for once. “Do you think that would be okay?”
“Uh… yes, definitely. Just… you know, make it a big one. I think they might get some firefighters to come, and you know those guys will eat everything.” He grinned, and Mom chuckled under her breath.
“Okay.” She watched as he finished the juice. “Feeling any better?”
“Yeah, I am, thanks.”
“Always, honey. Always.” The words felt like the caress she wasn’t sure she could give him.
He got up, and as she went to move out of his way, he put his hand on her shoulder. His heart was suddenly going on overdrive, but he chose to ignore it. “Hey, Mom?”
“Yes?” She looked a bit like a deer in the headlights.
“Could I give you a hug?” he asked, tamping down the thought of it being wrong somehow to hug her. It wouldn’t be her hugging him anyway, but the other way around.
With tears in her eyes, she nodded and turned to face him. She knew what he meant and stayed absolutely still as he wrapped his arms around her.
Emil knew she was trying to stay as still as possible, but he could feel the sobs wrecking her body, and when he leaned even closer to kiss her temple, a small, wailing sound escaped her.
“It’s okay, Mom. I promise,” he whispered, then let her go and went to put the glass on the edge of the sink like he always had.
“G-good night, Emil,” she choked out.
“Night, Mom.” He couldn’t look at her right then, afraid of what he’d see. He had enough trouble keeping himself together, and they both knew that.
NOW THAT Makai had a nicer phone and they’d exchanged numbers, Emil could text him the morning after their discussion.
I had nightmares last night. Scared the bejeezus out of Mom.
He went to make himself coffee and grabbed a mug and his photography book and went on the back porch to read it.
A text came through a few minutes later.
Same. Without anyone but Mouse & kittens to scare. Feeling better now?
Sighing, Emil thought for a moment. He didn’t want to give a glib answer when he knew Makai really cared and would want to know.
Somewhat. Might have more nightmares, but I guess I’ll survive. You?
I guess. I’m gonna plan on Saturday today and figure out where to get a grill. Might just put together a brick one. Not big for barbecuing stuff normally.
Pretty sure Mr. M has some basic ones at the shop in the very back.
Okay, thanks.
Emil was trying to figure out what to say next to keep the conversation going, when another text from Makai came through.
With the stuff we talked about and the nightmares. Would it be okay to not meet before Saturday? I mean… I don’t know what I mean. I just feel like letting things cool off. My brain feels wired weird today.
Emil blinked at the text. What did it mean? He was still parsing his theories together when Makai sent another one.
I still want to try. It’s just pretty intense. I don’t want to rush it. I’m sorry.
Emil felt better after reading the words, but at the same time, doubt was starting to gnaw on him.
He typed. No, I understand. It was a lie, but he couldn’t make himself disappoint Makai. Do you wanna text before Sat?
He waited for the reply and exhaled loudly when it came through.
Yes. Remember I’m still new at this thing though.
Smiling, Emil replied, I know. Talk to you later. He was pretty sure Makai wouldn’t know what “TTYL” meant.
Once Emil was done with coffee, he wandered back into the kitchen and found some yogurt to snack on. It was better than no breakfast at all, right?
Mom had gone to Mercer to visit a friend for the day, and Dad was at work as usual. Without anything else to do, he called Lotte.
“Hi, Emil,” she replied in a cheery sounding voice, and it immediately made Emil feel warm.
“Hi, how’s Joie doing?” he asked, and went to put the photography book on the coffee table so he would remember to show it to Mom later.
“Oh she’s fine, just a bit achy, but she’ll be fine in no time.”
Emil smiled. “That’s good news.”
“How’s Makai?” Now Lotte sounded worried, and Emil wondered if Makai knew how many friends he had in this town already.
“He’s okay. Stitches and all, but other than that he’s fine. He’s going to have a barbecue thing on Saturday, people are coming over to tear down the boat shed.” He’d thought someone should tell Lotte, even though he doubted she was worried.
“Oh, that’s great. Do you think he’d mind if I dropped by with Joy? Maybe bring something like homemade popsicles if it’s hot?”
“I’m sure everyone would love that,” Emil said honestly. “I would think it’ll be something like te
n people total, not counting you and Joy. I think they’re starting at elevenish.”
“Okay, sounds good. See you then!”
“Say hi to Joy from me, bye!”
Emil wandered up the stairs and into his room.
There was another call he knew he had to make: he needed to call Evy. She answered right away, which meant she wasn’t with a client.
“Hey, Emil. What’s up?”
“I… uh… had a nightmare last night,” he blurted out without thinking.
“Uh-oh, bad?”
“Yeah, I screamed until Mom had to come wake me up.” Emil winced at the memory.
They talked about it and how he’d managed to hug his mom before going back to bed, and Evy seemed to think that was a huge step forward.
“Now, I know you know I want to ask this, so, what brought the nightmare on?” she asked in her patient shrink tone.
“Uh…. Might’ve gotten tipsy with Makai, and we talked about all the shit we’ve been through,” he admitted.
“Emil Newman, for fuck’s sake!” Aaand there went the professionality. “What the hell? Did neither of you idiots stop to think about what this might do to you?” She sounded worried more than outraged despite the sharpness of the words.
“No, not really. I… it was one of those things. We needed to talk about it, and it’s just… it seemed like the moment…?” Emil fidgeted on his bed where he’d sat as soon as the call had connected. “We’re on the same page now, more or less.”
He could hear her trying to control her breathing as she was waiting to find the right words. Then finally she said, “Okay. Okay fine. I trust that you’ll call me if you get more nightmares or other issues caused by this. And I expect to have an invitation for the thing on Saturday so I can meet him.”
Groaning, Emil rubbed a hand over his face. “Fine. I’m sure he won’t mind. We don’t even know who is coming. I think Dad’s going to figure that out today or tomorrow.”
“And no more pouring your hearts out about shit, either!” Evy snapped. “It can lead to really bad things. Goddammit, I know boys are stupid, but this stupid….” She harrumphed. “Call me if you need me. I’ve a client coming in in ten, and I need tea. Bye.”
