I had a vague idea of what would happen next, but I didn’t have time to speculate. I needed an exit strategy, and I needed it quickly.
“Put it down,” I chided, careful not to let any trepidation escape through my voice. I tried to back away from him, but he pushed me against the counter.
“What’s the matter? Getting a little nervous?”
The tip of the knife poked into the base of my throat, and a slight grin appeared on his face. Is he actually enjoying this? I thought. The thought make my stomach turn.
“No. Even you are not that stupid to do something as reckless as this.”
“Are you sure?”
He poked the tip of the knife into my throat a little harder, and I thought for sure he would draw blood.
“Yes,” I said.
He pulled the knife away from my throat indignantly, not wanting to give up this fight.
“That was your warning. Next time you won’t be so lucky,” he said.
I stood there frozen, cemented to the floor. It wasn’t even worth arguing with at this point. Who knew how far he would let his anger carry him next time if there even was a next time. I hoped not. I wanted him to go away and never come back.
“I’m leaving for the night. I’m tired of you being a little bitch about all of this. Let it go, already,” he said.
He hurriedly rounded up a few items to put in his small overnight bag though what he took with him I was unsure. He said nothing as he made his way to the backdoor though the sound of the door slamming said it all. There was no need for words.
I didn’t know where to begin. There was so much that needed done. We would have to file for divorce and sell the house; the same house we worked so hard to attain. The thought of that made me ill. I couldn’t broach the subject right now. He was on edge, and if I brought it up, I had no idea what he would do.
I didn’t know if I could leave it all behind. I thought maybe there was a glimmer of a possibility he’d just leave and let me stay there.
I could take care of the house on my own. I didn’t need him, but I was fairly certain he wouldn’t submit to my idea.
I just needed to convince him that parting ways was the only solution.
CHAPTER 2
_______
It’s amazing how certain people from your past can pop up, and you’d rather crawl into a hole and hide than face them. But with certain old familiar faces, when they appear from the shadows, it instantly brightens your day.
When the alarm went off on my phone, I rolled over onto my stomach with disdain to turn the blaring music off. Day two of this living nightmare saga was about to begin.
My head was pounding, and the alarm was particularly irritating today. After silencing the alarm, I noticed I had a new text. The number wasn’t in my contact list, but I instantly recognized it.
Devin.
After all these years, I still had his phone number memorized, and it was both a blessing and a curse. Of all days. Heaven only knew what he wanted. It had been years since we’d last spoke, and it surprised he still had my number. I couldn’t lie; part of me was relieved he reached out to me.
I wondered if everything was ok. Though it comforted me to see his number pop up on my phone, I felt a pang of guilt come over me.
I felt guilty that I was happy to hear from him, considering the horrendous events of the day before. It seemed so hypocritical.
But then again, it was Devin. No matter how hard I tried to suppress my feelings, I would always care for him. He was my first love, and he would always have a piece of my heart.
I pulled the phone into bed with me and opened the text.
Hi, Natalie. Join me for coffee this morning? Wanted to catch up.
I rolled my eyes. Like I would meet up with him, given the shape I was in. That would be utter insanity, and even I was not that stupid. Why now, after all these years? He could’ve reached out any time.
Feeling groggy, I shuffled my way to the bathroom, and flipped on my lighted makeup mirror. I looked like hell. I felt like someone had beaten me to a pulp and thrown aside into a gutter.
My eyes were red, and my hair was a completely disheveled disaster. Every part of me looked and felt terrible, and my outer appearance personified the turmoil in my heart.
I knew I needed to pull it together before work. There was no way I would be capable of explaining what was going on without being melodramatic. I grabbed a tissue to wipe away my tears. I couldn’t allow myself to wallow in this anymore, at least for the time being. It was time to get ready for the day.
I was in for a long day ahead of me. I knew we had a meeting scheduled after my lunch break, and I was curious about what we’d be discussing. I had a feeling it would be about the rumors of the company downsizing, but I wasn’t certain.
I took my time getting ready for work, carefully applying concealer to hide the redness on my face. Somehow, someway, I would have to erase the pain away, even if only on a superficial level for now.
I was in my car backing out of the garage when my phone rang. It was Devin. My heart raced. Why does he need to speak right this second?
I debated answering the phone, but after the third ring, I answered it. A moment passed before either of us spoke.
“Did you get my text this morning?”
I thought about lying and saying I didn’t get his text, but then I remembered that Devin could see that I read it. I swallowed my guilt.
“I did, and I’m sorry I didn’t text you back. It’s been a somewhat crazy morning. What made you decide to text me, anyway? We haven’t talked in years.”
“Well, I just moved back to town, and thought maybe I could hang out with an old friend.”
Friend. I grimaced at the word. He thought we were friends? We hadn’t spoken in years!
“I see,” I said icily.
I was exercising caution with showing him too much eagerness though a part of me was dying inside to see him. I knew I shouldn’t feel this way. It was wrong.
“So will you at least consider it?”
“I’ll think about it. I have a lot going on right now at work.”
I hung up the phone without saying so much as a goodbye. I wanted to leave him hanging. It would give him something to chew on today.
I was heading toward the break room to put my lunch in the fridge when Mary pulled me into her office.
“I just wanted to give you a heads-up. The meeting we have to go to is about the company downsizing, just like I thought.”
I shook my head. Great. Just freaking great. It was one thing to suspect what was coming, but it was a whole other thing to have it confirmed.
“Well, thanks for letting me know, Mary.”
I couldn’t hide the grim look on my face. Fifteen minutes into my day, and it was already going to hell in a handbasket. I heard quite some time ago that we weren’t in a good place financially right now as a company, and this affirmed it. This wasn’t good.
I sat down at my desk trying to find something to do to occupy the few remaining minutes before the meeting would begin when my coworker Trina walked through the door.
Though I enjoyed working with almost everyone, I was the closest with Trina. We were alike in many respects and shared many similar life experiences. And, we both had a passion for writing.
“So do you think the rumors are true?”
“I would love to tell you that they’re not, but it’s not sounding like that’s the case,” I said.
“Shit. That’s what I figured. I wonder who will be on the chopping block.”
Trina was always so blunt, and to the point. It was one of many reasons we got along so well.
“Yeah, I’m a little afraid of that. We’ll see, I guess.”
As we filed into the conference room, I couldn’t help but notice that everyone had the same expression. We took our seats and stared at each other in silence. Nobody wanted to be the first one to say anything
.
When Marianne entered the room, the tension increased tenfold. Marianne was a very shrewd businesswoman, and while her business accomplishments were praiseworthy, her personality was anything but that. She was as cold and as ruthless as a woman could get. Marianne wasted no time getting to the reason we were all gathered.
“Some of you have probably heard rumblings from one person or another about some downsizing and restructuring that will start soon. I just want to say that, what you have heard is correct.”
She paused a moment before finishing her thought. Meanwhile, everyone else waited with bated breath for her to finish, as she took a sip from the water bottle she’d brought to the meeting. Finally, after moistening her throat, she went on.
“After much consideration, the board has decided that we have to meet specific goals to scale back personnel. To do this, two employees from each department will be departing. We have reached no final decision on who specifically those individuals might be, but we will have a decision by tomorrow.”
The silence in the room was resounding as we sat in our chairs, anxious about what would unfold in the coming days.
The meeting was pointless. It was so cruel of her to drop this bomb on everyone and then leave everyone hanging.
But I knew it wasn’t entirely her fault. She didn’t make the decision. She was simply was the bearer of bad news.
After the meeting, I sulked back to my office. It was already hard to focus on work with everything going on at home, and now this on top of everything else. This was the cherry on top of a sundae made of shit.
I needed a vacation, but I knew it would not happen, nor would it be a good idea right now. But I needed to get out. I needed a break from my life. I wanted a fresh start, a little less craziness going on. Was that so much to ask?
I was thankful when Mary walked into my office, informing me that if I wanted to leave work early today, I could. I gladly took her up on her offer. I didn’t even care if I had to burn up some of my personal time to do it; I was just relieved to get the hell out of there.
My relief lasted until I got in my car, and then remembered I was leaving one chaotic mess behind, only to go home to another. Oh joy. I couldn’t get any reprieve from it at all.
When I got home, James was already there, and I feared this would be another rough evening.
“You look pissed off,” he said as I entered the kitchen.
He pulled out a beer bottle from the fridge and plunked it down on the counter. He reeked of alcohol, and I wondered how many he’d drunk before I arrived home.
“Glad to know my face is showing the right expression,” I said sarcastically.
I watched him down at least half of the bottle in one swig.
“What’s your problem, anyway?”
What an idiotic question to ask. Was he really that dense? Or perhaps, he was in a state of denial now about our issues.
“Well, for starters, you, and now my job.”
“Me? I thought I told you to drop it, Natalie. So what’s going on with your job?”
It was ridiculous how he thought he could command me like that. I would drop it when I was damn well ready to drop it and now wasn’t the time. I didn’t want things to escalate, so I tried to remain civil with him.
“They’re downsizing in every department at work, and tomorrow we’re going to find out who will be leaving.”
“Well, I hope you don’t lose your job just yet, because I don’t have anywhere else to stay,” James said.
“Who said I was letting you stay here? I thought you were leaving for good, the way you stormed out of here last night.”
“I shouldn’t have to. This is my house too, you know.”
“That may be true,” I said, “but it’s not going to be for long.”
He tensed up, and I could tell that my words slashed him.
“What are you gonna do, divorce me? Yeah, good luck with that.”
Good luck with that? He was crazier than I thought and needed a reality check. There really wasn’t anything he could say to sway my feelings about the situation at this point.
Leaning his muscular body against the counter, he stood there staring, almost daring me to say something in response.
“Let me make this clear to you, James. You’re not staying. I didn’t create this mess. You did,” I said as I pointed my finger at him.
“Fine. Be a bitch about it, then.”
I was so stunned that all I could do in response was stare at him blink. I refused to come up with any sort of comeback to his brazen stupidity.
Grabbing a bag of chips out of the pantry to sustain myself for a little while, I headed off to the bedroom, and shut myself in there for the rest of the evening.
He could sleep on the couch for all I cared.
CHAPTER 3
_______
I woke to the sound of plates and silverware clanking in the kitchen the next morning. James was already up, which was astonishing considering he wasn’t a morning person and loathed getting up early.
The deliciously distinct smell of pancakes filled the air as I walked to the kitchen, and their aroma was inviting. With each step I took, I grew hungrier.
“You’re up early,” I said.
“Yeah. Too much on my mind, and I couldn’t sleep.”
James looked exhausted. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
“Can’t imagine why.”
I rolled my eyes. I was really sick of the victim routine he always fell into.
“Figured I’d make us some breakfast. I thought maybe I could cheer you up. I don’t like the fact that the love of my life wants to just piss all of this away, all over some stupid chick that I did nothing with,” he said.
“You know, this state of victimhood that you like to pretend to be in is really getting old.”
“You know what’s getting old for me, Natalie? That you can’t move on from this shit. You act like I screwed her or something. We just talked. Nothing more. That’s it.”
“Oh, hardly! That conversation wasn’t one-sided,” I argued.
“How many times will I have to apologize before you get it through that thick head of yours?”
“You don’t have to apologize any more than you already have, because to be honest, your apologies don’t mean shit to me,” I said coldly.
“All I’ve ever tried to do is love you, Natalie. I’ve tried to give you a good life, but I guess that’s not enough for you. Maybe I just shouldn’t even be here.”
I felt a wave of hysteria coming over me.
“I’ve been trying to get you to leave since all of this started!” I wailed.
I could tell that he didn’t like what I’d said because he immediately started down the hallway to the bedroom. Not wanting him to get too agitated, I followed him hoping to calm him down.
When I reached our room, I froze in the doorway. My eyes were filled with disbelief as he pulled the gun from the top drawer of the nightstand, and the look in his eyes was the most deranged look I’d ever seen.
“I don’t care anymore,” James said as he sauntered towards me, the gun in his right hand.
As he got closer, he raised the gun to his temple, and all I could do was stand there in utter horror. First, he was threatening to stab me a few days ago, and now this today? I wondered when the madness would end, though I preferred it not to end like that.
I scrambled to find something to say, but my mind went completely blank. He can’t do this, I thought. Everything was out of control, and I needed to put a stop to it, and get him down from the ledge he was on.
“Put it down, James,” I pleaded.
I was treading on thin ice, and I worried anything I would try to say next would only make the situation worse. His finger traced the smooth trigger, and for a moment, my heart stopped beating.
“Stop it! Don’t do this shit James!” I screamed.
He lowered the gun to his side.
Shocked, I reached my hand out to take it from him.
“Why? You don’t love about me anymore. That’s obvious.”
“When did I ever say that?”
“You didn’t have to say anything, but you don’t want to work things out. And since you don’t, you obviously don’t care.”
At this rate, we would go around in circles all day. And I didn’t have time for it.
“James, I do care. That’s why I’m upset that all this happened.”
I made my way into the bathroom to get ready, and James followed me in.
He didn’t understand that right now I wanted my space and wanted to be away from him. He didn’t care that I was hurting as well. I couldn’t deal with his emotional antics and neediness right now. I was emotionally drained.
Thankfully, after a minute or so, he departed. I assumed he grew bored with watching me apply my makeup. I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard the backdoor, and realized he’d left for work.
I intentionally skipped styling my hair to shave off some time getting ready, so I’d be able to depart sooner for work. Candidly, I didn’t want to be there, either. But at the moment, it was slightly better than dealing with this lunacy. Even though he was gone, I still didn’t want to be at home. I was no longer comfortable there.
As I pulled into the parking lot at work, I saw Trina carrying a plastic bag out to her car, which seemed odd. I knew it was too early for her to be departing for lunch, but I couldn’t think of any other reason for her to going to her car. Rather than park in my usual spot, I circled around and parked in the space next to her car.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked as I opened the door.
“They let me go,” Trina said.
Tears filled her eyes, and I could tell she was trying hard to stay strong in front of me. She was my best friend, and it tore me to pieces to see her in pain. She didn’t deserve this.
“God, I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she said.
I reached out to hug her, and as I pulled her in, I could almost feel her heart breaking.
Sweetest Release Page 3
