“Live your life in peace, Poesy. Do not seek me out.”
Adam turned abruptly and strode toward his car, which I hadn’t even noticed sitting in the drive. I waited for him to look back, but he didn’t. He didn’t pause once as he drove away. He left me standing in the driveway with my pride in tatters.
I allowed myself to cry then. My inner voice told me to go after Adam, to make things right between us, but I didn’t. I was too tired, too worn out for any more emotional trauma. It’d been hard enough to see Birdie go—it was more than I could process, and I couldn’t think about it right now. I would wait until later, after I’d come up with a plan. So like anyone in denial, I compartmentalized it. I put my pain and grief away in a box. I still felt bad, but at least I’d stopped crying. That was something of a relief.
Dragging myself up the stairs, I was surprised to find my front door locked. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Frustrated, I rummaged around in my bag until I found my keys and opened the door.
“Amanda?” I walked into the living room; it was clean and tidy. There were no dishes in the sink, no dirty clothes on the couch, no empty glasses on the coffee table. I set my bag down and walked back toward the bedroom while Daisy made a bed for herself on the couch.
“Amanda?” I called again, just in case she hadn’t heard me. The bedroom door was shut.
I didn’t like that. Why would she have the door shut? I could feel the perspiration on the back of my neck…was she okay? Grasping the doorknob, I slowly turned it. I could hear the click of the latch disengaging and the rush of blood to my ears. That was all. My heart was racing. I pushed the door open.
The room was empty.
Exhaling with relief, I entered my bedroom and looked around. It was spotless, like the rest of my trailer. The bed was made up and appeared to have clean sheets on it. My clothes were all put away, and there didn’t appear to be anything of Amanda’s anywhere. I walked over to the closet and opened the doors—everything was in its place.
How odd, I thought to myself as I passed by my dresser toward the bedroom door.
Then something seemed out of place. I looked on top of the dresser and saw my turquoise amulet, but Ellie’s ring was missing. I looked at my hand and my empty ring finger and then back at the dresser. Surely Amanda hadn’t taken my ring? I hurried into the living room and searched around in my bag for my cell phone. Without a second thought, I called Haylee. She answered on the third ring.
“I need you to come over…now.” My tone barely covered the unease in my voice.
“What’s wrong?” she said guardedly.
“I can’t explain over the phone. You need to come here,” I replied, trying not to think about the worst-case scenario.
“Okay, I’m coming,” she said and hung up the phone.
When she arrived fifteen minutes later, I was practically falling all over her. I greeted her at the door with a tight hug.
“Jesus. What’s up?” Haylee stepped back to look at my face.
“Everything. I messed up. I mean, I really did it this time.”
“Just tell me,” she said, her voice calm and soothing.
I didn’t need any more prompting and launched into my account of my fight with Birdie and how Adam had been waiting for me when I got home. I finished by telling her about Amanda not being here when I got home. I had tried to call her cell, but it’d gone straight to voice mail. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Ellie’s ring was gone, too.
Haylee grimaced. “Amanda didn’t make her clinic appointment on Friday.”
“What? Why didn’t you say something when you walked through the door?”
Haylee struggled for an answer. “I dunno. I got thinkin’ maybe she changed her mind, and it ain’t my place to make her. I never thought it could be somethin’ bad. I mean, maybe she just wanted some time to herself.”
“I don’t know, Haylee,” I said, trying not to panic but failing miserably. “You didn’t see her right before I left…she looked pretty rough. Why would she just leave? I mean, she could’ve stayed here for as long as she liked.” The tears started welling up in my eyes again, and I didn’t hold back. They came hard and fast.
“Shhh.” Haylee drew me in for a hug, and I didn’t resist her. “We’ll find her, girl. Trust me.”
***
I didn’t sleep well that night, even though Haylee stayed over. I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable, as my mind played through everything that had happened. Scooted up against Daisy, I rubbed her fur, hoping for relief that didn’t come. It was useless. My mind wouldn’t shut down. Images of Birdie’s angry face kept reappearing, as did the vision of Adam’s abrupt departure. Amanda, tired and weary, standing in my kitchen. No matter how hard I tried to shut them off, the pictures kept popping up.
I grunted and raised my head to look at the clock. It wasn’t even six yet. I let my head fall back onto my pillow as Haylee snored lightly beside me. Turning over on my back, I stared up at the ceiling. There was no use staying in bed. I resigned myself to the inevitable and threw back the covers and got up. Putting on a pair of old sweatpants, I tiptoed down the hall and into the kitchen.
After taking Daisy for a brisk walk, I made some coffee and got a shower. There wasn’t much for me to do after that, since the trailer was already clean, and I couldn’t face going out into the studio, so I walked down to Chu’s convenience store and bought a newspaper. What I wasn’t expecting was to run into Mr. Chu.
I’d just inserted my quarters into the slot and pulled down the handle of the newspaper dispenser when he walked out of the front of the store, heading straight for me.
The man looked like he’d aged a decade since I’d last seen him. His shirt, which was normally crisp and starched, looked wrinkled and grubby. His hair was slicked back from his face with too much pomade, the usual look for Mr. Chu, but the dark circles under his eyes were new. They reminded me of the ones I had seen under Amanda’s eyes before Thanksgiving.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to run into Amanda’s father, so I pretended not to see him and started to walk away.
“Poesy Wharton!” he yelled after me. It stopped me in my tracks. I took a deep breath as I turned toward him.
“Hello, Mr. Chu.”
He looked haggard and struggled to find the right words, but then decided to forgo the niceties. “Have you seen her?” he asked. His voice was gruff, but his eyes looked tormented.
“No, I haven’t.” I was telling him the truth and was disappointed that he had no news of Amanda either.
“But she stay with you,” he said, not believing me.
“She’s not there now,” I replied.
Mr. Chu deflated in front of my eyes, his jaw slackening and his shoulders drooping like a wilted flower. It was hard to watch as he morphed into a lifeless old man. I clutched the newspaper to my stomach, not sure what else he would say.
He looked down at his hands before looking back at me. “If you see her, see me,” he said, his face a mask. The earlier emotion was gone. I just nodded my head and walked away, feeling Mr. Chu’s eyes follow me until I disappeared around the corner.
Where was Amanda?
11
A week passed, and still I didn’t feel any better. If anything, I felt worse. Nothing helped. I tried to throw myself into work, even picked up a bunch of extra shifts, but it didn’t do me any good. No matter how many diversions there were, I couldn’t escape the mounting anxiety over a missing Amanda or the remorse for fighting with Birdie. Or Adam, for that matter.
The sex dreams weren’t making life easy, either. They had returned with a vengeance. It meant I wasn’t getting any sleep, and it was starting to show.
“You look like hell,” said Stevie from behind the bar. I ran my fingers through my hair and wiped under my eyes before giving him a strained smile. He shook his head. “Yeah, not helping. It’s gonna take more than that to get rid of tho
se bags.”
“I haven’t been sleeping.” Grimacing, I grabbed the full pints and put them on my tray.
“No shit, Sherlock.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my mind,” I replied tartly, hoping he’d drop the subject.
He nodded at me. “Look, I ain’t tryin’ to be nosey or nothin’, but you’ve gotta take some time off. You’re about as thin as one of them starving Ethiopian kids, and you look like hell.” I must’ve looked pretty bad if Stevie was offering me a leave pass. If truth be told, he was probably right.
“Take tomorrow off. Sunday lunch should be fine without you.” He dismissed me with a wave of his hand. Taking my cue, I walked over to my table of customers and delivered their beer.
A day off may give me perspective, I thought to myself. For the first time in a week, I perked up. Maybe some down time wasn’t such a bad idea.
***
I woke up the next morning after getting a few hours of sleep. Although the dreams still haunted me, it was a short respite, and my body was happy to get whatever rest it could. I was almost looking forward to my day off except I was still worried about Amanda.
No one had any idea where she was or how long she’d been gone. As far as I could tell, she’d had very little contact with anyone before my trip with Birdie. Haylee was convinced Amanda was taking time for herself, but I severely doubted it. It made no sense for her to leave. Where else would she go? Who could she be with? Where would a tired pregnant girl go?
I gave up on that train of thought and called Haylee. She picked up the phone on the first ring.
“Hey. What’s up?” she asked, sounding sleepy.
“Stevie told me to take today off. Do you wanna do something?” I was hoping for some company.
“I can’t. Stevie’s called me in to work today.”
I sighed.
“Sorry, girl. I could use the extra cash for Christmas shopping,” she replied.
Christmas.
I hadn’t realized it was so close until Haylee brought it up. Christmas was less than four weeks away. As with every year, I couldn’t wait for it to come and go.
“Any word from Amanda?”
“No,” Haylee answered truthfully. “I was thinking of stoppin’ by Katie Fitzpatrick’s after my shift to see if she’s heard anythin’.”
“That’s not a bad idea,” I said. “Do you want me to go? I don’t have plans today.”
I could almost see Haylee shaking her head at me through the phone. “Girl, Stevie told you that you need to take some time off and if Stevie says it, you know it’s true. I got this.”
“Okay.” I said my goodbyes and got off the phone. I was tempted to ignore Haylee and get into my car and drive over to Katie Fitzpatrick’s myself to see if she knew anything about Amanda, but suddenly I felt foolish. If Amanda really wanted me to know where she was, she’d call.
I went out back to my studio.
The half-finished painting sat on my easel. In the center of the canvas was a pale, thin version of Adam. He stood naked, sideways, his head bowed so that his face was hidden in shadow. But his face wasn’t the focus of the piece. It was the giant swan wings that emerged from his back. Two large snowy wings, almost the same height as his figure, stood in sharp contrast to the brooding image. An ethereal light blazed off the top of them, as if they were lit by a spotlight. The glow grazed the top of his head, a familiar luminescence.
The painting harked back to the night in the alleyway but was somehow influenced by all my other encounters with Adam. I stared at my work and felt the sadness creep in. Somehow it didn’t feel right to work on the picture—it was too much of a reminder of him, and it made my heart ache.
Sketching would be a better distraction.
I pulled a sketchpad and pencil out of a drawer. Allowing my mind to wander aimlessly, I drew soft, supple curves across the page. The curves turned into more curves before folds of fabric gave way to an arm and then a breast on the page. Before I knew it, another torso appeared, this time, that of a man’s. I put my pencil down and grimaced.
I’d drawn a snapshot of my nightmare: a rough sketch of the bodies, the bed sheets, the flickering light from the candles. I’d seen it all before, dozens of times, at least. I ripped the drawing out of my sketchpad and crushed it up into a ball, letting it drop to the floor. Pushing back my stool, I stood up and began to pace around the studio.
No matter what I did, I couldn’t concentrate. Being in the studio wasn’t doing me any good. I had to face the fact that I wasn’t going to accomplish anything that didn’t include Adam, and I really didn’t want to think about him right then. I went to bed with him and I awoke to him—images of his body, his face, his voice. It was driving me crazy.
I gave up and shut the door to the studio. The sun was shining brightly and although it was cold outside, the lack of wind made it a relatively pleasant day. The sun shone down on my skin and the dazzling warmth of it made me smile. Maybe today wasn’t a write-off, after all. Maybe I could do something else?
My stomach growled loudly.
Since Amanda’s disappearance, I’d barely had an appetite, and it’d been weeks since I’d gone to the store for anything other than milk. With no other plan, I grabbed my keys off the couch and made my way to my car.
It felt good to do something as mundane as grocery shopping.
I went up and down the aisles with no agenda, just focusing on what sounded good and enjoying myself…until I turned down the last aisle and saw Adam in front of the jam and honey section.
I stood still, trying not to panic. Had I used a hand basket instead of a cart, I might’ve been able to retreat quietly around the corner without being noticed. As it was, I hung onto the cart, agonizing over what to do, and had just decided to abandon the cart where it was and flee when he looked up, a jar of honey in each hand. My heart stopped as a wave of heat hit my face. He stared right at me, and I couldn’t look away. I wanted to, but couldn’t.
It’d been almost two weeks since I’d seen him, but it felt like a lifetime. He set the spare jar back on the shelf without even looking at it as he glided down the aisle toward me, never breaking eye contact. I pushed the cart toward him like I was going to my own execution.
The silence felt like it stretched out for an eternity.
“Hi.” My voice was just above a whisper as my throat had gone suddenly dry.
He didn’t speak.
“I’m not stalking you,” I said defensively, “just getting groceries.” I pointed to the food in my cart as if it would matter. It reminded me of how awkward I’d felt that first night he walked into Paddy’s…the night he walked into my life.
But now he’s out of it, said the voice in the back of my head.
“How are you?” he asked, his voice low.
“Good. You?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light and airy.
“Good. How are James and Haylee?” he asked politely. He rolled the jar of honey back and forth between his hands.
“Yeah, they’re fine,” I lied. Birdie still wasn’t talking to me.
Adam’s brow arched. “Really?” he asked, as if his face hadn’t given away his surprise.
“Yes, really,” I said, my jaw aching from clenching it.
This is ridiculous, I thought to myself. All you do is think about him and yet you stand here and look at him like he’s grown a second pair of ears. Don’t let your pride screw this up, Wharton. Just say it. You miss him. All you have to do is come clean and everything will be okay.
I was bolstering my nerve. I really did miss him. Life had seemed so gray since he’d gone out of it. Maybe I could set things back to rights now?
“Look–” I began.
“Poesy, I need–”
“It’s fine,” I said hurriedly. I needed him to be quiet so I could say it before losing my nerve.
“What’s fine?” said a familiar voice.
Brianna walked up behind Adam and snaked her arm through his, a possessive gesture that couldn’t be mistaken. Could this be for real? Confused, I looked from Brianna back to Adam. He wouldn’t look me in the eye.
Not possible. I couldn’t breathe.
“Did you get what you wanted?” she asked sweetly before giving him a kiss on the cheek.
“It will do,” he said gruffly. He took the basket from Brianna and placed the jar of honey he’d chosen in it. He still wouldn’t look at me. Brianna grabbed his free hand and started to move forward past me.
“See you around,” she said over her shoulder. She spoke in a tone that clearly indicated she’d prefer the opposite.
“Take care of yourself,” Adam said. I stepped aside as Brianna forced him to move past me. Before I knew it, they had turned the corner and were gone.
He was gone.
I left my cart in the middle of the aisle and fled to my car. Trying to make sense of what I’d seen, my chest tightened as I recalled the image of Brianna approaching Adam. She’d stalked up to him like a tigress, laying it on extra thick for my benefit, but it didn’t change the fact that they were together. Her smugness was merely salt in the wound. He’d lied. About everything. And now he had chosen Brianna.
And not me.
The reality sank in. He didn’t want to be with me. He wanted to be with Brianna.
Back at home and sitting on the sofa, imprisoned in my own misery, I didn’t have the energy to get up, much less do anything else. I thought about calling Haylee, but she would be at work by now. I could’ve called Birdie, but he’d probably hang up on me. And where was Amanda? Tears wet my cheeks.
It felt like I’d lost everything as I sat huddled under Penny’s afghan and watched the second hand on the clock above the sink tick slowly around its face. Every minute was agonizingly slow.
Blowing my nose with a tissue that had been stuffed down the side of the couch, I lay down beside Daisy. She scooted over and made just enough room for me, snorfling once or twice before heaving a big sigh and stretching her legs. As she settled back down and began to snore, I listened to the sound of her breath and started to count the rise and fall of her chest.
Watcher (The Shining Ones Book 1) Page 16
