‘I do. I fucking do.’
‘But you only want to wrap me in ropes. I’m trying to give myself to you – to give you more.’
‘I know, I feel it. You’re amazing,’ I said. ‘An angel.’
She held her fingers to her mouth, tapped them twice before taking my hand. ‘You know you can love me,’ she said as we pressed our foreheads together. ‘You can love me like you never need to let me go, love me without fear that life will take me away.’
‘I’m trying,’ I replied, kissing her to tell her that I wanted to, I desperately wanted to.
But there were more than ghosts to put to rest before I could let that happen. There was honesty to lay out and trust to build. Nat had given herself to me, fully and openly. Confessed that I’d made her feel safe, that she needed it, that she felt I knew her better than she knew herself.
I did, of course I did.
But I had to tell her why, because when the time came, I didn’t want her to feel I only knew her because of dishonesty and lies.
23
Nat
For the remainder of our time together we traded stories, ordered food, sat in our dressing gowns and forgot the outside world. But mid-morning brought with it the cold light of reality, of lives continuing in their complex and complicated state.
‘Do you have to go?’ he asked. I nestled into the space between his shoulder and neck, melting into him.
‘Yes. I have classes. Your daughter will be waiting for me.’
‘Give her a kiss from me,’ he said, his body sagging slightly, missing her.
‘How long will you be staying in London?’
‘A few more days. I’m hoping to be back by the weekend,’ he replied. ‘There are a few things I need to finish at home.’ I tipped my head, asking him for more details. He avoided my gaze. ‘Just work commitments.’
‘Do you think you’ll be able to fit me into your busy schedule?’ I asked, smiling to make it more playful.
‘I can fit you in anytime,’ he replied, nuzzling my nose. It displayed such a softness about him that I couldn’t fail to smile at. ‘I miss you already and you haven’t even left.’
And just like that, all the love songs in the world finally made sense.
He’d arranged a car to take me home, and when I climbed into the back seat, I found a bouquet of roses with a note thanking me for a wonderful night. I wondered when he’d planned this but didn’t dwell on it, just held them in my lap for the rest of the way home.
The car dropped me off at On Pointe as my class was due to start in thirty minutes. I dropped my bag and the flowers in the office and started prepping before my students arrived. My grandmother appeared at the door and watched me in silence as I set up the music. She leant against the doorframe and folded her arms.
‘Good morning,’ I said as she shook her head.
‘Well, well. Look what the cat’s dragged in.’
‘Sorry, I should have said I wouldn’t be home this morning.’
‘When you called to tell me you were meeting a friend for dinner, you failed to mention you wouldn’t be home all night.’
‘I should have been clearer. Sorry.’ I hadn’t because I knew I’d face a barrage of questions.
‘Nat, what you do with your time and who you share it with is of no concern of mine.’ She picked her walking stick from where she’d propped it against the wall and came closer. ‘However, I’m an old woman. My heart isn’t what it used to be. I’d like to fall asleep knowing that you’re safe.’
‘It won’t happen again.’ She smiled warmly and stroked the hair out of my eyes. ‘I need a trim. I’ll call Marc later, see if he can get me booked in.’
‘Everything alright, sweetheart?’
‘Perfect.’
‘I’m glad to hear it,’ she replied.
‘Nat!’ I turned to find Eli running towards me. A blur of pink and lilac before she threw her arms around me. Nadia followed behind her, standing at the door.
‘Sorry we’re early. I couldn’t keep her away,’ Nadia said, hanging Eli’s bag on a coat peg.
‘That’s OK. How are you?’ I asked, smiling as she pulled back from my waist.
‘I’m good. Can we practice my dance for the show today?’
‘Of course.’
‘I wondered if I could have a word?’ Nadia asked, tipping her head to the door. ‘In private.’
‘Sure. Follow me,’ I replied as we left Eli warming up. I took Nadia through to the office. She closed the door behind her with a soft click. ‘Is everything alright?’
‘Alexander asked me to speak to you about the dance competition.’
‘Really?’ He hadn’t said anything to me last night.
‘Elise is anxious about competing. She doesn’t feel ready to be part of something so big.’
I narrowed my eyes. ‘I’m surprised, Nadia. She always seems so excited. I’m normally good at picking up on pre-show nerves but I haven’t sensed anything like that from Eli.’
‘Elise,’ she corrected me. I cleared my throat, knowing that Alex would be calling Eli by her shortened name but not wanting to announce this to Nadia.
‘I’ll talk to her if you think it will help,’ I replied.
‘Alex and I both feel that it would be the right decision to pull Elise from the competition, at least until you’re able to commit more time to teaching her. She needs to feel confident, Nat, so that she knows what she’s doing.’
‘I’ve given her plenty of time, Nadia,’ I replied, completely puzzled. ‘I honestly thought she was ready.’
‘Alexander doesn’t feel that way.’
I studied her for a second, unable to understand where this was coming from, particularly as Alex hadn’t said anything to me himself. ‘I’m happy to talk to him directly if he has concerns.’
She folded her arms. ‘He’s more than happy for me to deal with anything concerning Elise.’
‘I’m sure he is,’ I replied. ‘But please let him know he can call me.’
‘I will,’ she replied, her face set as cold as a winter’s day. ‘He’s very busy with recordings at the moment. In fact, we barely had time to eat together last night.’
‘I’m sorry?’ I asked, confusion slipping in again.
‘I love to cook for him,’ she replied. ‘We try to do it as often as we can. He’s been exhausted and last night he just wanted to…relax.’ She made a point of holding my eye contact on the last word. ‘I made his favourite. Steak with garlic sauce.’
‘Last night?’
‘Yes. We try to make a habit of it.’ She smiled but it was tinged with a smirk.
‘Sorry, Nadia. You cooked for Alex last night?’ I was trying to make sense of what she was saying before jumping to the only available conclusion that she was purposefully lying.
‘Yes, and again tonight. He asked me specially because it’s his last night at home before he leaves for London.’ An uncontrollable smile pulled at her lips. ‘To be honest, I think he likes being looked after.’
‘Doesn’t Maggie look after him?’
Her smile dropped. ‘Yes. But at the end of the day, it’s her job. What we have is more personal.’
The office door opened.
‘Nat, your students are waiting not so patiently.’
I turned to find my grandmother, her eyes flitting from Nadia’s to mine.
‘I’ll leave you to it,’ Nadia said, leaving my grandmother’s steely gaze to trail after her as she left.
‘And what was that all about?’
I placed my hand on my forehead and sighed. ‘I’m not even sure.’
‘You need to be careful of that one,’ she said, tapping her walking stick on the floor. ‘There’s something that makes me feel uneasy around her.’ I sat on the chair at my desk and put my head in my hands. ‘What did she say to you?’ I glanced up, needing to see her face. She always knew the right things to say, the right choices to make. When I was a child, she would always help me work out a cros
sword puzzle or talk through how to tell my friends that I didn’t want to attend a party because it was the first anniversary of Mum’s and Bec’s deaths. I didn’t know how I was going to get up that morning, let alone attend a social gathering full of underage alcohol and first kisses.
I bit my lip. ‘I was with Alex last night.’
‘I know.’
‘How?’
‘You can’t get much past me, Nat. I see the way you look at each other. He comes here to watch you dance, sweetheart. The man is smitten.’ My mouth dropped open in shock. I wasn’t sure if it was because she knew or because of the string of words that had knocked me for six. ‘Close your mouth and then figure out how to talk.’
I laughed in disbelief. ‘Nadia just made a point of telling me how she loves cooking for him; apparently they eat together whenever they can. She said she made his favourite meal last night, but–’
‘He was with you.’ I nodded in confirmation. ‘A jealous woman is a force, Nat. Don’t get caught in the crossfire.’
‘I didn’t realise I was.’
‘She’s trying to prove a point,’ she replied. ‘Stake her claim. She obviously has no idea you were with him last night. She probably believes she’s done a good job of keeping you at arm’s length.’
‘She’s his wife’s sister. He wouldn’t…he doesn’t–’
‘Nat,’ she said, placing her hand on my face. ‘I know nothing about this man, but what I do know is that he was with you last night, and I for one, hope you had a wonderful evening together.’ I smiled as she winked. ‘Be wary of her, sweetheart, but by God, enjoy him.’
24
Nat
Alex came home a few days later. In the days that he could, he’d watch me dance in silence, a small smile appearing if I caught his eyes. In the nights that he could, he’d bind me, arousal glinting in his eyes, a concentrated stare that slipped away into adoration that I knew was aimed only for me.
There were also days where he couldn’t keep away. A conscious need. A longing to be close to me. But there was also a jittery energy about him that I couldn’t work out. A tapping hand, a jumping leg. A rigid smile he thought would appease me, but I wanted genuine smiles and they were disappearing as quickly as the replies from the Grief Fairy. I’d written three more letters and I was still waiting for a response. Most mornings I walked Rex through the forest, hoping for a letter, a flask of green tea and a few dog treats to keep us company. But the ribbon never hung from the fairy door.
I had theories for the silence. Perhaps May’s family had decided it was time to move on. To finally put her memory to rest and leave her legacy in the form of a fairy without letters. Or maybe my grandmother was reaching the end of her energy source, unable to make the walk to collect the letters and send back speedy responses. Or was it Maggie? A housekeeper who was so much more. A woman who took it upon herself to continue caring for a family who were in crisis after the loss of Eli’s mother. Did she write the letters in the hope of encouraging little Eli to talk through her feelings and fears? So that her future could be bright and open, not trapped in grief and pain?
My phone vibrated across my desk, breaking my thoughts.
‘Hi, Marc.’
‘Fairy princess! How are you?’
‘I’ve been trying to pin you down to book a haircut.’
‘Geniuses are hard to pin down, darling.’
‘I’m sure.’ I laughed. ‘I need a trim.’ I blew my fringe up. ‘Maintaining a pixie cut is harder than when I had long hair.’
‘Damn the growth process.’
‘Can you sneak me in? I was thinking of coming to London and booking a show. I need my West End fix.’
‘Ah. Now that would bugger my plans right up,’ he replied. I could hear the blast of hairdryers in the background and my heart pined for the hustle and bustle of the city. ‘I was talking to Lacey about coming to see you instead. We’re so intrigued by your Grief Tree that we’d like to see it for ourselves. I’m off on Sunday. How about it, sweets?’
‘City visitors? Are you kidding me?’
‘Will they let us over the border?’
‘They might make an exception for a heavy metal hairstylist and his goth pixie.’
‘They won’t know what’s hit them!’ he said, the ring of his laughter making me smile.
‘I have a class on Sunday morning but if I send you the directions, you could meet me after at On Pointe?’
‘It’s a done deal,’ he replied.
After ending the call my phone rang again.
‘Hello.’
‘Nat?’
‘It’s me. I’m here,’ I replied, my heart flitting in my chest in the way only Alex could encourage.
‘I’ve just put Eli to bed.’ I smiled at his use of her shortened name, imagined her delight when he called her it for the first time in years. ‘I wondered if you wanted to come over.’ His voice was deep and husky, lined with bourbon and the need for sleep. ‘Keep me company for a few hours.’
‘I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.’
* * *
‘Nat, it’s lovely to see you again. Come on in.’ Maggie stepped to the side, allowing me to slip through the front door of Alex’s house.
‘You’re working late,’ I said, noticing the lights were dim in the kitchen upstairs.
‘I’m about to go home,’ she replied, reaching for a crutch before nodding to follow her up the stairs.
‘What’s wrong with your leg?’
‘Knee,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I’ve twisted it in the garden. I went to get some basil and couldn’t find my footing on the rockery stones. So silly of me.’
Her confession made me think back to the Grieving Tree, who was behind it and the reasons why they had stopped replying. ‘I hope he’s taking it easy on you.’
‘I don’t take it easy on myself, Nat. But, I am going home so I’ll fix you a drink and then I’ll be off.’
‘I’m fine,’ I said, picking her coat up from where she’d draped it on the kitchen worktop. I held it out for her and she slid in her arms. ‘Go home.’
She glanced at me and held my chin with her fingers. ‘I don’t know the exact status of your relationship with the moody one and it’s none of my business, but…you’re good for him,’ she said. ‘And that makes me happy.’
‘You think so?’ I asked.
‘He’s hard on himself,’ she replied. ‘I’m glad he’s finally softening. Six years is a long time to deny yourself happiness.’
‘I want to make him happy,’ I said, sure of my statement but still wobbly about if he’d let it happen.
‘You already do.’ She made her way back to the stairs. ‘He’s in his office. Just remember to knock before you go in.’
‘Take care, Maggie.’
‘Will do,’ she replied before disappearing down the stairs.
I waited to hear the door close before I reached for a bottle of wine from the cooler and found two glasses in the cupboard next to it. The house was still and quiet, and when I knocked on the office door with my elbow, I could hear paper rustling and drawers being shut.
‘Hey,’ he said as he opened the door, taking the glasses from me. ‘You must have read my mind.’ He put them down on his desk and picked up some papers quickly before pushing them into his desk drawer. ‘Are you OK?’ he asked, his back facing me, distracted.
‘I’m good,’ I replied, wondering why he was hiding what he’d been working on. ‘What about you?’
Finally, he turned, his eyes skimming my body and the recognition of me standing before him floated across his face. His mouth turned upwards, the frown lines on his forehead straightened and he held out his arms. ‘Come to me.’
I sunk in, my arms travelling around his waist, my hands dipping along the planes of his back. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘I’m so glad you came,’ he whispered, kissing my head and sighing against my hair.
‘What are you working on?’ I asked as he gently push
ed me away and glanced at the bottle. His hard face returned. I watched as he poured two glasses of wine, handing me one as he sat down on the leather sofa opposite his desk. A harsh nod of his head told me to join him.
‘Nothing I want to talk about,’ he replied as he held his arm out. I snuggled into him, curling my legs underneath me.
‘You’re grumpy.’
He breathed out a laugh. ‘You know me so well.’ He couldn’t have been working on music. He was always brimming with excitement when he showed me new arrangements he’d been working on. Tonight, he seemed weary and lethargic. A breath away from snapping, a sigh away from breaking. ‘What have you done with your day?’ he asked, rubbing his eyes.
‘This morning I took Rex for his walk,’ I replied, watching him yawn. ‘We’re waiting for a reply from the fairy. They’ve ignored my last three letters.’
‘Really?’ he mumbled.
‘Yeah. I’m wondering why. I have many theories.’
‘Like?’
‘I’ve narrowed it down to three people. The family of a little girl who my grandmother taught at On Pointe. She died when she was young. I’m wondering if they’ve decided to stop, if the commitment has become too much.’
‘Possible,’ he replied.
‘But it could also be my grandmother, in tribute to the little girl.’
‘Doesn’t she walk with a stick?’ he asked. ‘Could she make the journey through the woods?’
‘No, that’s what I’m thinking. She can’t physically get to the Grieving Tree anymore.’
‘You’re quite the sleuth,’ he said.
‘If I was, I would have figured it out by now.’ I took a drink from my glass and his eyes followed every movement.
‘Who else is on your list of suspects?’ he asked.
‘Don’t laugh,’ I replied as he dragged his hands through his hair.
‘Go on.’
‘Maggie.’
He coughed through his drink. ‘Maggie?’
‘I wonder if she did it for Eli, to help her sort through her feelings.’
Lament Page 18
