“Every woman is the type of woman who should have children. It’s what we’re programed to do. Don’t tell me your clock isn’t ticking.”
“My clock is dead,” Blair said. It was true; she had never felt the yearning that other women felt for children. She took her lack of maternal feelings as another sign of her defect as a woman.
“That’s not possible,” Tanya said. “Everyone wants to get married and have kids. Otherwise, what is there?”
Blair didn’t have a good answer for that question because she had been asking herself the same thing lately. What was life all about if not people? She had no career; her possessions were meaningless. What was there? “I’m trying to make connections,” she said at last. “But, even so, I don’t feel that urge to fall in love and get married. I think I’m a faulty model.”
“You’re not,” Tanya said. “I shouldn’t have said that. You know I speak without thinking ninety percent of the time. To be honest, I’ve been questioning the same thing lately.” She glanced at her kids who were just finishing their waffles. “Rachael, go find Curious George on television.”
Rachael slipped out of her chair, Andy trotting behind. “My remote is sort of complicated,” Blair warned.
“She’ll figure it out,” Tanya said, waving her hand. “The kid has a gift for technology. Anyway, when I asked what else was out there besides marriage and children, I wasn’t being rhetorical. I really want to know. I thought being a wife and mother would fulfill my every dream come true, but it’s so much worse than when I was working. At least then I had time for myself. I could get a pedicure or stop at the mall and window shop. Now everything in my life revolves around the kids and Steve. It’s like I’ve lost myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore, Blair, and that terrifies me. It’s not fun.”
Blair tried to think of a meaningful reply. “I’m sorry,” she said instead. She didn’t know what Tanya was going through. She had never been a wife or mother; how could she offer advice?
Tanya reached out and clasped her hand. “You’re so good at listening without judging. I can’t talk to other people about this stuff without a truckload of guilt. I chose this life. I know I sound like an ungrateful and spoiled brat. As a mother, you’re supposed to be selfless all the time. Most days I feel like a total failure. I'm drowning, Blair, and I don’t know how to find the surface. Every night after the kids are asleep and my husband is snoring, I relive this fantasy where I run away. I’m scared that one day I’m actually going to do it.”
“You’re not going to do it, Tanya. You’re going to stay and do the right thing because that’s the kind of person you are. Look, when I was little, we didn’t have a lot of frivolity. There were no grand vacations, video games, new cars, clothes with brand names. I hated it. I complained to my parents and they explained to me that they were saving money; even though we didn’t do lots of fun things like other families, someday all the hard work would pay off because they would have money in the bank. Their plan worked. They saved and saved and saved, and now I’m benefitting from all their hard work and discipline. Maybe raising children is the same way. Maybe you don’t see the benefits in the short term, but you’re making an investment. Someday all your hard work is going to pay off.”
“I hope so,” Tanya said. “You have no idea how much I hope so. Despite the impression I’ve given here, I try hard to be a good mom, to do everything right.”
“I know you’re a good mom,” Blair said. Tanya was a natural-born nurturer, the kind Blair could never hope to be. Motherhood came instinctively to people like that.
After breakfast, they spent the day at the Children’s Museum. Blair wasn’t one to have unscheduled free time; she liked structure. The kids had fun at a place where they were able to touch anything they wanted, and Blair and Tanya had time to talk while they walked and watched.
They returned home, and the kids went down for a nap. “Maybe I should take them places more often if it wears them out this much,” Tanya commented. “They never nap at home.” She glanced at the porch. “Let’s sit outside.”
Blair didn’t think anything of their locale until a couple of hours later. That was when Sully pulled into his driveway and Tanya sprang from her chair, hanging over the rail to get a glimpse.
“He drives a Volvo,” Tanya said. “What does he do?”
“He’s a doctor,” Blair said. She thought that was the end of it; she should have known better. Tanya bounded over the porch rail and set off toward Sully’s house. “Tanya, don’t,” Blair called. “Come back.”
It was no use. Tanya disappeared into Sully’s garage. Blair remained on her porch, mortified and uncertain. Should she go after Tanya? What were they saying over there? Curiosity overcame embarrassment and compelled her off the porch. As she approached, she braced herself for she knew not what. Tanya’s laughter reached her before she reached them. Tentatively, she poked her head around the corner of the garage, intending to eavesdrop, but Sully pointed at her.
“I see you,” he said.
“She’s sneaky like a ninja,” Tanya said. “I could never tell if she was in our dorm room or not because she was as silent when she was there as when she wasn’t.” She turned to encompass Blair in her smile. “I was just telling your neighbor that I was treating you to pizza tonight. Coincidentally, he’s free. Don’t you think it would be nice to include him since he helped you with the kids last night?”
“I don’t know,” Blair said. “Do I?”
“You do,” Sully answered. “And you’re so grateful that you volunteered to make more cobbler.”
“I’m generous that way,” Blair said.
“You’re a giver,” he agreed. “I’ll be there in half an hour. Chop, chop, Miss P, and get cracking on that cobbler.”
“Yes, let’s go,” Tanya said. She grabbed Blair’s arm and started to drag her away.
“What just happened here?” Blair asked.
No one answered. Tanya didn’t speak until they were back in Blair’s house, then she closed the door and leaned on it. “Blair, he’s cute, and a doctor, and oh-so-single. What are you thinking? Why aren’t you trying to ride that train to marriage town?”
“Is that a real place? Because it sounds delightful,” Blair said. Tanya followed her to the kitchen as she began gathering ingredients for cobbler.
“Clever quips do not an answer make,” Tanya said, frowning.
“I already answered. We’re friends. Neither of us is interested in dating or marriage. I thought that would be obvious.”
“Why?” Tanya asked. “Why would that be obvious?”
“Because every other word out of his mouth is about how much he doesn’t want to date or get married. And I’m me.”
“First, all men say that until they meet the woman they want to marry,” Tanya said.
“It’s that sort of thinking that led to laws on stalking,” Blair said.
Tanya ignored her. “Second, what do you mean ‘I’m me’? What’s wrong with you? You’re wonderful.”
“Have you forgotten college? Have you forgotten how much you hated all of my so-called house rules?”
“Oh, yeah,” Tanya said. She sat back with a thoughtful smile of remembrance. “You were the only college freshman who brought coasters. To this day I break out in a cold sweat if I accidentally leave water rings on a table.”
“Exactly,” Blair said.
“But I don’t see what that has to do with dating,” Tanya said.
“Look, Tanya, I am who I am. There’s no changing me. I’m set in stone. What man wants to live with someone who follows him with a dust-buster?”
“Lots of men, Blair. Do you think you’re the only neat freak on the planet? Some men like tidiness and organization. Some men like careful attention to detail.”
“It would be a nightmare,” Blair said. “Better not to inflict my rigidness on another person.”
“You’re forgetting one important fact,” Tanya said.
“What?”<
br />
“Love,” Tanya said.
“I’m almost thirty, Tanya. Love is for kids.”
“Love is for everyone. Don’t count yourself out of the game before you put on a jersey.”
Blair shook her head. “It wouldn’t be fair. It’s better this way. I’m better off alone. Whomever I married would end up hating me.”
“Blair, let me tell you something. Being married is a lot like being roommates with the added benefit of sleeping together. We were roommates for four years. True, there were occasions when your neatness drove me insane, but it obviously wasn’t a deal breaker. I still love you, and I didn’t even take vows that bind us together. Stop being dumb. Don’t miss out on a good thing here.”
“There’s nothing to miss out on,” Blair said. “I appreciate your concern and encouragement, but you’re barking up the wrong tree on this one. Sully’s as interested in me as I am in him, which is to say not at all.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” Tanya said. “He didn’t run away when he met me. He played with my kids for hours. He’s coming here for supper tonight. That doesn’t sound like a man who’s not interested.”
“He’s a nice guy, a good guy. That’s why he helped with the kids. And he’s only coming here because he knows I’m not interested in him. Believe me, if I gave off even so much as a hint of being interested, he would go sprinting in the other direction.”
“Why don’t you try it and see?” Tanya said.
“Tanya!” Blair exclaimed. “No way. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to do that. I’m not dating material.”
“Every woman is dating material, Blair. You put on something pretty, smell good, climb up in his lap, and kiss him.”
Blair was so shocked and mortified over that mental image that she dropped the knife and had to jump out of the way to avoid cutting off her toe. “Climb up in his…Oh, thanks so much for putting that image in my head.”
Tanya smiled. “You’re welcome. I think I hear the kids.”
She returned with Andy and Rachael just as Sully arrived and Blair stuck the cobbler in the oven. They ordered pizza and shared what would have been a pleasant meal if Blair hadn’t been jumpy and on edge. When the timer dinged, she practically fell out of her chair in her haste to get to the oven. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get the vision of herself in Sully’s lap out of her head. Worse, she wasn’t sure if the image was disturbing or intriguing, or maybe a combination of both.
Tanya and Sully carried the conversation through dessert and then it was time for Tanya to put the kids to bed and Sully to leave. “Walk me out,” he said to Blair.
“Kiss him,” Tanya mouthed on her way out of the room.
Blair shook her head and crossed her fingers that Sully hadn’t seen the silent missive. "What is wrong with you?” he asked when they reached the porch.
“It’s Tanya. She thinks…you know…she’s trying to get me to…”
“Chase me like a hound chases a raccoon,” Sully said.
Blair nodded.
“You’re not going to take her advice, are you?” Sully asked.
She pictured the scene, climbing in his lap, kissing him. “Of course not,” she said. Absently, she began to fan her overheated face.
“Then who cares what she thinks or what anyone else says? Why is it so hard for people to understand that two people can be in a platonic relationship with none of the other stuff becoming involved? Are we the last two mature adults on the planet?”
“Yes, yes we are,” Blair agreed.
“All the more reason for us to stick together,” Sully said. He pointed his finger in her face. “Don’t chase me. Don’t get any ideas about suddenly seeing me as the future Mr. Prim.”
With effort, she banished the climbing in his lap scenario. “Never. And don’t you objectify me. I’m more than a baby-making machine.”
He shook his head, dislodging the white nightie picture. “No way.”
“I’m glad that’s settled,” Blair said. She caught the faint scent of his cologne and took a step back, bumping the door.
“Let’s never speak of this again,” he said. Her movement caused her to be bathed in the light from the porch, outlining her curves. “I should go.” For the first time since he was fifteen, his voice came close to cracking. He turned, tripped over the porch step, righted himself, and sprinted away.
Chapter 12
Tanya, Andy, and Rachael departed the next day.
“This was such a great treat, Blair. You have no idea. I slept, I talked with another grownup—I feel like a whole new person. Maybe the key to getting through this period of my life intact is to get a break once in a while. Maybe you can come visit us or, better yet, maybe we can go somewhere together, just the two of us. It’s about time Steve took a couple days off work and took his turn with the kids.”
“Sounds wonderful,” Blair said.
They hugged. Tanya kissed her cheek. “Marry Sully,” she whispered.
“You have an illness,” Blair replied.
“I do—it’s called Wanting to See My Friend Happy-itis.”
“I’m happy,” Blair declared.
“If you say so,” Tanya said. Her tone conveyed her disbelief. With a final wave and head pats for the kids, they were gone. The ensuing silence was somewhere between welcome and lonely.
Blair spent the rest of the morning putting right everything that had been disturbed during the visit. After supper, she wasn’t surprised to hear a knock on her door.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I happen to remember that some cobbler was left over last night,” Sully said.
“I ate it,” Blair said. His face was so dejected that she couldn’t keep up the charade. “Kidding. There’s plenty.”
“You’re cruel, Miss P.” He followed her to the kitchen and sat at the table while she prepared a dish of cobbler for each of them. For a few minutes, they ate in silence.
“Was it a good visit with your friend?” he asked at last.
“I survived,” Blair said.
“So, not good,” he clarified.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I simply meant that I’ve never had anyone stay with me before. I wasn’t sure how it would go. But it went surprisingly well, thanks in part to you. I would have been a little lost with the kids that first night.”
“You would have found your way,” he said. He finished his cobbler and toyed with his spoon. “You’re probably pretty tired now, huh?”
“I’m okay,” she said. He was leading someplace, but she didn’t know where. “Is there something you want?”
“I sort of need a favor, but this seems like bad timing,” he said.
“I have nothing going on right now. What do you need?”
“I need you to go with me to a family thing.”
“What kind of family thing?” she asked. He was nervous, and she didn’t understand why.
“Just a family get together. No big deal, very casual. We’re having a potluck picnic at the park on Saturday.”
“Sounds great,” she said.
“It’s an hour away in the town where I grew up,” he added as if this would be a deciding factor.
“An hour. Can we stop and stretch along the way?”
“Huh?”
“An hour is doable,” she said.
“Okay.” His eyes remained on the spoon as he twirled it over and over in the bowl.
“Your family’s not in prison are they?” she asked.
“Of course not,” he said. “At least, not the kind you mean.”
“Well, that’s not confusing at all.”
“You’ll be safe. It’s nothing scary. For you. I’ll explain later,” he added, only he never did. Saturday rolled around and Blair still had no idea what it was about his family that was making him on edge.
“Is what I’m wearing okay?” she asked as they buckled into his car.
He barely glanced at her before answering. “You alw
ays look nice.”
She rolled her eyes and looked out the window. Men. She didn’t actually know enough men to be universally irritated with their gender, but that had certainly sounded like a man thing to say. He was quiet on the drive to the park. Blair usually appreciated silence, but this silence was apprehensive; he was making her as nervous as he was.
“Thanks for doing this,” he said about a half hour in.
“Is it that big of a deal?” she asked.
“Afraid so,” he replied before going back to silence.
They arrived at the park. The lot was filled to capacity; there were people everywhere. “Are they having a concert here, too?” Blair asked.
Sully shook his head. “They’re with us.”
“You didn’t tell me this was a reunion for your extended family,” she said.
“It isn’t. They’re all my immediate family.”
She blinked at him, sure he must be joking. There were dozens of cars and conversion vans. “When you say family, do you mean that you grew up in an orphanage?”
“In a manner of speaking.” He took a breath, held it, and let it go as he absently toyed with the steering wheel. “I’m from a quiver family.”
Blair had no idea what that was, but it sounded horrible. “Is it fatal like multiple sclerosis?”
“Not quiver like tremors; quiver like a bow and arrow. The quiver here refers to having lots of children. My parents didn’t believe in birth control. They believed however many children they had was God’s plan.”
Blair looked again at the parking lot. “How many are there?”
“Thirteen including me,” he said.
“You have twelve brothers and sisters?” she asked, aghast.
His hands clenched the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. “Not exactly. I’m the only boy.”
It took a few seconds to sink in. “You have twelve sisters,” she said.
He nodded. “Five older and seven younger. And they all believe in the quiver lifestyle, too. I’m the black sheep in every way. Between them I have somewhere over a hundred nieces.”
Won't You Be My Neighbor? Page 14
