by Aleron Kong
“Is there something else I can help you with, Isabella?”
“My Lord, you have already done so much! I couldn’t ask—”
Richter held up his hand with a laugh. “Just ask, Isabella. What do you need?”
She shrugged cutely and said, “It’s just that…”
You have been offered a Quest: If It Grows From The Ground, It’s Probably Okay II. Isabella has asked you to find five rare-class herbs and bring back a cutting or seeds to plant in the herb garden. Reward: Unknown. Yes or No?
Richter easily acceded and chose “Yes.” He waited for everyone else to file out. One thing was bothering him. He was above level twenty in his personal level and he now had a journeyman rank. For Enchanting, he should only need to be personal level ten since it was noncombat. Why hadn’t he been offered a chance to get a Profession?
A prompt appeared before him. Silver background with black lettering.
Do you wish to be tested for your Profession? Yes or No?
Richter smiled. It had finally happened. He had some things to do first, like test out the Cauldron’s capabilities and distribute his level points. He still needed to speak to Roswan, and Randolphus almost definitely had a list of things to discuss with him. After that, though, the answer was obviously going to be yes!
No sooner had the word “yes” popped into his head than a twenty-foot-tall black disc appeared directly in front of him. A hand the size of an elephant shot out and grabbed him quick as a flash. Alma squawked as one of the fingers pinched her tail as it closed over his shoulder. A split second later, the hand yanked both Richter and the dragonling through the disc. The hand held him suspended above an inky nothingness for just a moment. Then it let go.
The whistle of passing air was so loud in his ears that Richter barely heard his own voice, but the fell creatures that called the netherspace their home remarked to one another about the strange creature that fell shouting one word.
“SHHIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!”
CHAPTER 21
Richter’s face slammed into gravel. He slid for a short distance and the small stones bit into the tender flesh of his face. It felt like he had been falling for damn near three or four hours, but he hadn’t hit nearly as hard as he’d thought he would. It still hurt like hell, though.
“Gunnhhhhh,” he moaned.
“You really needn’t grovel like that, darling,” a masculine and cultured voice said. “It’s not very dignified.”
Richter picked his head up to look towards the voice and his mouth dropped open in shock. In front of him was a giant canopy bed with purple sheets and white silk strung between the posts. The thing was twenty feet across, and atop it were four huge people. A bare-chested man sat in a lotus position upon the bed. His skin was an ebony black and hair the color of old gold hung down to his shoulders. He was at least twelve feet tall, though it was hard to tell because of his seated position, but even if he had only been four feet tall, it would have been clear that he radiated strength and power.
With him on the bed were three beautiful women. They were all draped over him, and all completely nude. What made Richter’s mouth drop open, though, was the fact that he recognized them! Nine-foot-tall Halle Berry smiled at him seductively from her position stretched across the man’s lap, while eleven-foot-tall Scarlet Jo rubbed his shoulders and nibbled at his ear. Rosario Dawson lay on her back to the man’s side and was slowly playing with her bare breasts while her black hair fell off of the side of the bed.
“What that fuck is this?” Richter asked, standing up quickly. Except for the dude being there, he was definitely looking at one of his favorite dreams. A pebble fell from where it had been imbedded in his forehead. Scarlet made a beckoning motion with one finger. A part of him wanted to immediately dive into whatever was happening on the bed, excited that this could actually be true. Another part of him was screaming, “It’s a trap, stupid! This type of shit doesn’t actually happen!” For some reason that part of him was talking in Rob Corddry’s voice.
Rob had never done wrong by him yet (Hot Tub Time Machine, hello!) so he stayed where he was despite the fact that Black Widow was now pouting at him.
“So you’re more than just a cock on legs, huh? Well that’s refreshing,” the man said. He slapped Halle on her beautiful chestnut colored ass and shooed her off of him. Richter was momentarily distracted by the wonderful ripples that slap had made in the woman’s perfect bottom, but then was somewhat bothered by what was about to be revealed when she moved. Richter breathed a slight sigh of relief when he saw that the man was wearing underwear. European speedo underwear that was quite… bulgy, but underwear nonetheless.
The man started walking closer and said, “I suppose that introductions are in order. You may call me Nexus.” As he said it he placed all five fingers to his perfectly proportioned chest and bowed ever so slightly. “You are %&*#-^!” When Nexus said the last word all Richter heard was a series of random sounds, most notably a jackhammer and the screeching of a dial-up modem trying to connect. “And this,” Nexus said while tracing a finger along Rosario’s areola, “is a fantasy I found in your mind. Though I don’t know why you made me so… ‘bulgy’ I believe is the right word?”
“Wha-wha-what? I didn’t make you anything. What the hell are you talking about?” Richter protested. His gaze kept being drawn to the bed behind the giant man. The girls had decided to start entertaining themselves and had made some type of vanilla ice cream sandwich with Scarlet Jo in the middle. Richter shook his head to focus, but his gaze was drawn right back when he heard another giggle.
The man made a tsk, tsk, tsk sound and patted his crotch before saying, “Methinks the man doth protest too much? Hey! Eyes up here, cowboy!”
Richter’s gaze snapped to the man’s face. He hadn’t been looking… “Shut up! I’m not here to play games with you!” Nexus cocked his head and raised one eyebrow, but Richter didn’t stop. “I’m here to—”
Nexus held up a hand and interrupted. “I know why you have come, %&*#-^.” This time the noise created sounded like a TIE fighter screeching by. “You have come because a giant hand plucked you out of your village and then dropped you down a giant fucking hole. I also know why you think you’ve come, to be granted a Profession. You are here, though, to find out your name.”
“I know my name,” Richter said, already disliking the pompous ass. “My name is %&*#-^.” He heard the sound of paint cans falling onto the floor. He tried again, but this time he just heard Gerard Butler shout, “This is SPAR-TA!”
Nexus laughed and clapped his hands together excitedly. “Ohhh, your mind holds so many wonderful ideas and stories! Delights of all”—he looked back at the bed—“colors, types, and proclivities.” He walked towards Richter and leaned over. In a conspiratorial whisper, he said, “One of them likes backdoor action. Do you want to know which one?”
Before Richter could answer, Nexus’s hand shot out and slapped him ringingly across the face. “Saucy, saucy,” Nexus mocked as he backed up. Despite the giant’s playful tone, the blow had been powerful, and Richter was knocked down to his knees. His health dropped by 10% and his jaw felt loose in its sockets.
“Enough! I’m here to get my Profession, and if I have to fight you to get it, then that’s fine by me!” He stood up, trying to ignore the pain in his face. He glared at the large man with the gravest expression he could manage.
“Ooooh, so serious. It seems you are determined for there to be violence! That’s fine, but let’s keep this gentlemanly, sooooo, PUTTEM UP, PUTTEM UUUP!”
The man’s hair grew into a long mane around his head and his voice was a dead ringer for the cowardly lion from Oz. Richter looked at Nexus in utter confusion as he pranced around with both fists up. The giant moved his hands like they were cycling a bike’s pedals, revolving them in small circles until he threw a quick jab into Richter’s nose before prancing off again.
Richter was getting thoroughly annoyed. That shit had hurt! He decided it was the
last straw. He had been grabbed by some giant fucking hand, dropped for who knew how long, face planted in gravel, and then bitch slapped by an insane fucking giant! The muscles in his neck grew tight and the pain in his jaw just stoked the fires of his anger. Maybe this was all a test and he was supposed to defeat this asshole in a fair fight, but fuck fair. It might be true that a great man met his opponent on a field of honorable combat, but he’d settle for being a good man and just frying the sumbitch!
He wove his hands in a specific series of movements and sighted upon Nexus. The giant wasn’t more than ten yards away. Richter smiled slightly as he shouted the word of Power, “Stati!” Nexus’s body blurred as the lightning left Richter’s hands in a white bolt. Despite the sort distance, the spell struck nothing but air before dissipating into the wall behind where the black giant had stood.
Before he could even look around to see where Nexus had gone, Richter heard a voice speaking from just behind his right shoulder. In a thick Latin accent, Nexus asked, “Really, primo? Chu want to play by prison rules? Chokay culo!”
Richter felt a massive pull on his left shoulder and he flew down onto his back. Nexus didn’t let him recover as the air fled his lungs, but instead stomped down on his chest. Three ribs cracked and a sizeable portion of Richter’s health bar disappeared. The remaining air in his lungs was squeezed out of his mouth with a horrible sounding wheeze. He looked up and saw Nexus’s smug face looking down at him. “Who you tryin to get crazy with, Ese? Don’t you know I’m locooo!” Richter was saved from answering because suddenly the man disappeared in a flash of light and a clap of sound.
Richter struggled to catch his breath. After a profound struggle, he was able to cast Slow Heal I. His health began to rebuild, but the spell wasn’t able to fix his broken ribs. Every breath was like knives driving into his left side. When he stood, though, he heard a comforting flapping and Alma flew down to hover by his shoulder. She let out a small and defiant roar at the downed giant.
Nexus slowly stood, his back smoking. When he turned to face Richter and his familiar, there was a broad smile on his face. “I didn’t expect that! How did she get in here?” He looked up slightly, like he was examining a screen only he could see, and his fingers moved in a strange pattern. An orange glow surrounded his hand for a brief second and then Nexus turned his attention back to Richter. “She’s a soul familiar? I haven’t seen that in forever! Well it explains how she made it into the Trial.”
Nexus gave Richter a cocky grin and said, “Still, we can’t really have her interrupting our duel. Why don’t I summon a little playmate to keep her company?”
The giant started a furious incantation with his hands moving quickly to complete the spell form. Richter cast Ice Dagger I, but Nexus didn’t even bother dodging. The icy shard simply broke against his black skin as he finished his chant. A metallic grey egg came into being in front of him and then slowly faded away. In its place was left a mechanical eagle with a four-foot wingspan. The tips of its wings were razor sharp and its beak was hooked viciously. It turned its head towards him, and Richter could see the artificial oculus of its eye tighten as it examined him and his familiar. It flexed its claws as its metallic wings beat, somehow noiselessly. The motion kept it suspended in midair, a feat that would have been impossible for a normal eagle.
Nexus looked at the bird and then back at Alma before he said, “Go play.”
The eagle shot towards them like a bullet, crossing the space between them too fast for Richter to even finish a one-second casting. Instead, he hunched forward slightly and drew the sword on his back in one smooth motion. The green blade swished through the air almost at a ninety-degree angle as he tried to bisect the mechanical beast. The eagle surprised him though.
Barely losing any forward thrust, it tucked both wings into its sides and corkscrewed its body. The metal bird basically became a ballistic missile weighing hundreds of pounds, and with its heavy beak leading the way, it crashed into him like a sledgehammer to the chest. His already cracked ribs gave way and for the second time in as many hours, bone punctured his lung and he coughed blood.
Richter fell onto his back with the bird on top of him, and to add insult to injury, it unfurled its wings as he fell. One taloned claw grabbed his armor, the tips of its nails easily pierced his sprite armor, and with a beat of its wings, Richter’s collapse was turned into a measured fall. Even through the pain he was experiencing, it was clear to him that he was at the construct’s mercy. As if in agreement, it opened its beak and let loose a raucous and artificial sounding cry of triumph.
Alma was not about to let her master be manhandled by some mechanical bitch! Landing on the ground near Richter’s head, she looked up at the metallic monstrosity atop him and carefully funneled her Psi Blast in a cone that bypassed Richter’s head but completely encompassed the bird. Her little dragonling heart beat with anticipation and savage righteousness as she attacked the foe that had dared touch her beloved master. The blast of pure psychic energy struck the bird directly in its chest, but nothing happened.
Nexus laughed loudly. “Psychic attacks might not be your best option against a mechanical construct, Alma, my love. Just one man’s opinion. Have fun, you two!”
The eagle beat its powerful wings once more while still standing upon Richter’s chest. It lowered its head and let loose a scream of defiance directed at the dragonling. The pressure on his chest increased ever so slightly, and Richter knew that the artificial bird of prey was about to launch itself at his familiar. Weaving one hand in the necessary movement, his other crossed his body to grab the leg that was still holding his armor. He thought, *RUN!* and finished casting Slow I.
A blue glow surrounded the bird for just a moment. Alma didn’t like it, but she obeyed her master and shot into the air. A yellow glow surrounded her and her speed increased. Meanwhile, the construct apparently didn’t appreciate being held by Richter. It opened the claw that was holding his armor and pressed down. Four-inch-long talons entered his body and blood began to flow.
“Gawk!” Richter coughed weakly. One of the claws had pierced his other lung and an icon appeared in the corner of his vision. It showed a torso with bands of metal around it. He could easily interpret what it meant. He was suffocating even though he was surrounded by air. Still he didn’t let go of his grip on the eagle’s leg. If he was to die, he would give Alma every chance he could to fly away.
The construct screamed and beat its wings, but it couldn’t get into the air with his death lock on its leg. Then it looked down at him and slammed its metal head into his tender organic one. It took care not to pierce his flesh with its wicked beak, but his head was still compressed between the hard ground and the mace-like blow. It was too much. He became dazed and his grip released. The eagle shot into the air with a cry, chasing after Alma, and Richter was left bleeding and helpless on the ground. Through his stupor, he thought he heard, “Ooooooh, you know that had to hurt!”
He came to a few seconds later and immediately reached into his Bag and pulled out a healing potion. Richter yanked the stopper out with his teeth and downed the red solution in one go. It immediately started repairing the internal tissue damage, but could only do so much with his ribs still out of position. Still, it helped relieve some of the horrible pain he was feeling. He heard a mechanical attack cry above him and knew he had to work faster. Alma needed his help.
Still on his back, Richter dual cast Slow Heal I and golden light surrounded his hands. Blood flecked his lips as he spoke the word of Power, but he managed to complete the casting. Healing magic worked with the potion, and he was able to stand again. He looked around to see his enemy leaning against a bedpost, looking up and clapping. The ladies were… otherwise occupied with one another. Richter followed the ebony giant’s gaze and his heart dropped.
Alma was frantically weaving through the air, trying to avoid the horrible claws of the eagle. She wove and dodged the aerial hunter, which was at least four times her size. If it wasn’t
for the speed differential that Slow I and Haste I had provided, it was clear she would have already been killed. As it was, Richter was pained to see that red blood fell as she frantically tried to evade death. A gash marred her beautiful dusky scales.
Richter was about to pull his bow from his Bag, when Nexus looked over with an easy smile. His voice was cultured again. “Oh you’re back up. Good! I think I’ll take one of your eyes!”
The giant rushed at Richter, each large stride devouring the distance between them. Richter had time for one move. Praying it would work, he flexed his legs and jumped away. Nexus reached for him, but before Richter fell to the ground, he finished the casting he had started before he moved. A beam of green energy shot from both of his hands. The dual casted Paralysis Beam I was twice as thick as what had resulted from his previous castings. It struck Nexus in the chest as his black hand was extended towards Richter. A horrible smile froze on his face as the spell took effect, the pearl whiteness of his teeth contrasting with skin the color of midnight.
Richter hit the ground in a roll. He only had four seconds before the giant was back on him, and he couldn’t waste it. He kept an internal count. One!
*Alma! Fly to me!*
The dragonling banked again and avoided the awful talons of the construct by a hair’s breadth. She immediately dove towards Richter, the construct just behind. As soon as he was on his feet again, Richter set his feet wove his fingers in a furious spellcasting. Two!
There was no cleverness to Alma’s flight now, just pure speed. The aerodynamics of her dracanoid body couldn’t match the artificially streamlined body of the mechanical eagle, though. The distance between her and the eagle decreased by the millisecond, but she trusted her master and would do as he had bid. Power crackled between his hands as she dove straight towards him, then she heard his voice again, *Drop!*
