by Laura Farr
Emerson’s parents aren’t here. She hasn’t seen them for years. Her dad walked out on them when she was young, leaving her mom to spiral into depression and alcohol. Emerson had pretty much brought herself up and left home as soon as she could. She hasn’t seen either parent for years and I don’t even know if they realize she’s passed. I don’t care. They pretty much abandoned her when she needed them the most. They don’t deserve the title of parents.
Within minutes, we’re pulling up outside the cemetery. As we come to a stop, my breathing becomes erratic and all I can hear is the pounding of my heart. The dull ache in my chest that’s been present since I knew I’d lost her intensifies, and I absentmindedly rub my hand over my shattered heart. Tears track down my face, and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“Breathe, sweetheart. Breathe,” my mom says, forcing me to look at her.
“I can’t do this,” I choke out, dropping my head into my hands.
“You can. We’re all here for you. Everyone here loves you, and they loved Emerson, too.” Her voice cracks. That one sound is enough to pull me from the depths of my grief. I realize in that split second I’m not the only one hurting. She’s right. Everyone did love Emme, and even though her parents won’t be here, I know the funeral home will be full. Full of people who loved her. I need to be strong. I need to do this for Emerson.
Wiping my tears, I take a deep breath and turn to my mom and Madison. Nodding, I reach for the handle and open the car door. Climbing out, I’m hit by the warm July sun. I’m wearing my dress uniform and can already feel beads of sweat forming on the back of my neck. Emerson loved me in my uniform, so I wanted to wear it for her one last time. Holding the door, I help Mom and Maddie out. They stand on either side of me and take my hands, guiding me toward where the ceremony will take place. Looking over my shoulder, I see Dad carrying a sleeping Bella. Tugging on the hands that hold mine, Mom and Madison pause. I want to hold Bella. I need to hold her. Taking her from my dad, I hold her close, inhaling her baby smell. She’s the only piece of Emerson I have left, and right now, I need that more than I need the air to breathe.
Other people park up and climb out of their cars, but I don’t see them. All I can focus on is the sight of the dark wood casket that’s covered in white lilies. The casket that holds my Emerson. Mom and Madison guide me to where the seats have been set up, and before I know it, I’m sitting within touching distance of where Emerson lies. I can’t believe that she’s lying inside that box and will soon be in the ground. People come up to me and pat my shoulder or attempt to talk to me, but I don’t acknowledge them. I can’t drag my eyes off the casket. I might be outside, but it feels like the walls are caving in around me and I have no idea how I’m going to get through this.
“Hey. How are you holding up?” a familiar voice asks, pulling me from my fog of grief. I finally tear my eyes away, looking up to see Alex in front of me. Standing, I pull him into a one-armed hug, conscious that I’m holding Bella.
“I can’t wait for this to be over,” I confess, my voice breaking. I can be completely honest with Alex. He’s my best friend and has seen me at my worst these past couple of weeks.
“I wish I could say something that would make this better…”
Giving him a sad smile, I sit down as Bella begins to fuss in my arms. He walks to the row of seats behind me, his hand squeezing my shoulder as he sits down. I bounce my knee and it’s a welcome distraction while we wait for the minister to begin the service. Neither of us are particularly religious and I requested that the service be short.
As more people take their seats, I glance around, noticing that it’s standing-room only. Emerson was only twenty-six when she died, but it’s evident from the amount of people here that she touched the lives of many in those twenty-six years. The pain in my chest spikes knowing just how many people loved her. Life is so unfair.
The service passes me by in a haze of grief. I hear the minister talking, but my eyes stay trained on Emerson’s casket. By the time they lower her into the ground, I’m sobbing. I hold Bella close, clinging onto her like I’m afraid I might lose her, too. The minister walks toward me and offers me a lily. I’d asked for lilies to be thrown onto the casket. They were Emme’s favorite flower, and the idea that people would throw dirt was too much to bear. Taking it from him, I stand with Bella in my arms. Walking the short distance from my seat to the grave, I gently throw the flower in.
“I love you, baby,” I whisper. “Sleep tight.”
Sitting down, I watch as my parents and Madison put their lilies in with Emme. Others come forward and soon, there are no flowers left. I don’t think anyone thought so many people would attend. As the mourners disperse, some offer me their condolences and I thank them for coming. Turning to Madison, she takes Bella from my arms, kissing me on the cheek.
“We’ll give you some time alone with her. We’ll be by the car.” Her voice is choked with emotion. She was close to Emerson, and I know she misses her. They spent a lot of time together when I was deployed, and I can see that she’s hurting, too. Pulling her into a hug, I kiss her hair.
“I love you,” I tell her.
“I love you, too.”
Turning around, I see that everyone has left and I’m alone. Walking to the edge of the grave, I fall to my knees, my head hanging low. It’s a surreal situation to be in, kneeling at the edge of the grave that holds my wife. Being in the military, I know there is a chance I can be injured or even killed whilst deployed. Emme would never talk about it, but she knew it was a possibility, too. This…right here, right now…is something I never thought would be happening. How can I say goodbye to the one person who owns my heart?
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting there when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Turning I see my dad. “I don’t want to rush you, son, but people will be arriving at the house. Shall I tell your mom and Maddie to go ahead without us?”
Sighing, I stand and shake my head. “No. Bella needs me. I’m coming. Just give me a minute?” He nods and gives me a sad smile.
After watching him walk away, I turn back to the grave. Tears track down my cheeks, knowing that I have to say goodbye and leave her here. “I have to go now, baby,” I choke out. “I love you so much, Emme, and I promise that I’ll take care of our baby girl. I’ll keep her safe and she’ll know all about how amazing her mommy was.” Letting out a sob, I take in a shaky breath. “Bye.”
Turning and walking away is the hardest thing I have ever done. It feels like I’m leaving part of my soul here and can barely breathe. If I could stay with her, I would, but Bella needs me. I made a promise to Emme, a promise I intend to keep.
When we arrive back at the house, it isn’t long before there are people everywhere. The caterers we booked are walking around with trays of food, and people are eating and sharing their memories of Emerson. I somehow manage to get through the afternoon, chatting as little as possible. I was with them in body, but my mind was far away. In reality, I just wanted everyone to leave so I could go to bed and sleep. Sleep gave me Emme back. In my dreams, she was full of life and in my arms.
I was grateful when Bella began to fuss and I used needing to feed her as an excuse to go upstairs. I know everyone means well, but I just want to be alone. After feeding her, I place her in her crib and strip out of my uniform. Lying on the bed, I can still smell Emme on the sheets, and I pull the comforter around me, inhaling her familiar scent. My chest feels tight and I can hardly breathe at the thought that I’m never going to see her again, never going to hold her or kiss her. More tears fall, and I know I’ve never cried tears like I have these past couple of weeks. Life will never be the same, and that scares the hell out of me.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I sigh and wipe away the lone tear that’s fallen. I don’t allow myself to cry anymore. I cried so much in the months after Emerson’s death, I’m pretty sure I’m all cried out.
Bella is usually awake by now, but I’m guessing after her late night wit
h Maddie, she’s still asleep. After quickly brushing my teeth, I pull on some shorts and a t-shirt and head down the hall to her room. Looking around the door, I check to see she’s still asleep before jogging silently downstairs and into the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, I make my way to the basement where my home gym is. Tossing the bottle onto the floor, I head for the treadmill. Starting with a gentle jog to warm up, I soon increase the speed until I’m sprinting. I added the gym a couple of years ago. It had kept me in shape, and I’d enjoyed working out. I soon discovered that working full-time and being a single parent left little time to visit the gym. Installing everything in the basement meant I could train when Bella went to bed. I came down here pretty much every day, sometimes twice a day. It was my time. Time to wind down. Time to think.
After ten minutes of sprinting, I hit the power button, allowing the treadmill to come to a slow stop. Picking up the bottle of water, I drink down half of it before moving to the weights. I’m not a small guy, and at six-foot-three, I can bench press 220 pounds easily. In my eyes, the more it hurts, the better the workout. Twenty reps later, I’m done with the weights. Moving to a mat on the floor, I do a hundred sit-ups before going to the chin-up bar on the door. After fifty pull-ups, I grab the bottle off the floor, swigging it down as I head up the basement steps.
Walking into the kitchen, I open the back door for Bailey and fill his water bowl. Setting out everything I need for breakfast, I flick on the coffee machine. I’m about to head upstairs to wake Bella when I hear her coming down.
“Hi, Daddy.” She runs into the kitchen, throwing her arms around my legs.
“Morning, princess. Did you sleep well?” She nods as I lift her up into my arms. Walking her over to the breakfast bar, I sit her on one of the stools. “So, what did you do last night with Aunt Mads?” I pour Cheerios into both bowls, add some milk, and push her bowl in front of her. Moving to the back door, I fill Bailey’s bowl with food before turning to hear her reply.
“We watched Tangled in the den,” she says around a mouthful of cereal. I groan inwardly, thankful that I’ve dodged watching it for what feels like the millionth time. There is only so much Flynn Rider a grown man can take.
“That’s great, princess.” Turning to the fridge, I swing the door open and pull out the orange juice. Pouring two glasses, I sit on the stool next to her and spoon Cheerios into my mouth.
“So, the beach today then?” I ask after I’ve finished eating. She nods and grins, milk dribbling down her chin. Shaking my head, I reach for the kitchen towel and gently wipe her face. “Finished?” She nods again and jumps down off the stool.
“I’m going to get my bathing suit.”
I nod as she runs out of the kitchen. Chuckling, I rinse the bowls in the sink before loading them into the dishwasher and heading upstairs.
Stopping at her room, I lean up against the open doorway. She’s standing in front of the mirror, flinging her arms around while she dances and makes funny faces. She hasn’t seen me yet and I watch her, trying not to laugh at the faces she’s making. Her eyes find mine in the mirror and her little cheeks flush pink as she catches me watching her. Pushing off the doorjamb, I walk into her room and scoop her up, gently throwing her onto her unmade bed. She squeals as she lands on the comforter, her face lit up in a smile.
“Here comes the tickle monster!” I cry, my fingers tickling her sides. Her laughter echoes around the room, and I swear it’s my favorite sound in the world. I love hearing her laugh. It’s a belly laugh that sounds like it’s coming from deep inside her.
“Daddy, stop!” she gasps, breathless, as she tries to squirm out of my hold. Bailey jumps onto the bed and starts to bark and nudge my hands away from her. Laughing, I pull my hands away and pat Bailey on the head.
“Let’s get that Pull-Up off, baby girl.” She still wears a Pull-Up at night, much to her disgust. She’s desperate to not wear one, and we’ve tried it numerous times, but it’s just not happening. Not having a clue, I’d asked the staff at preschool and they advised to just leave it for now and to try again in a few months. She got so upset every time she wet the sheets. It just wasn’t worth the heartache.
Guiding her into the bathroom in my bedroom, I clean her up and help brush her teeth. “Go and find your bathing suit while I jump into the shower,” I tell her after I’ve covered her in sunscreen. She nods and skips out of the bathroom.
I turn on the shower and strip out of my clothes, tossing them into the laundry basket in the corner of the room. Climbing into the tub, I quickly wash my hair and body. Within minutes, I’m dry and securing the towel around my waist. I’ve gotten quick at showering. When Bella was a baby, I’d sit her in the baby swing in the bathroom so that she could see me. The older she got, it seemed safer to have her in her bedroom as she was quite a fan of putting her hands into the toilet. Once, when she was two, I’d left her in her bedroom while I’d showered. She was safe, and there was nothing she could hurt herself on. I just hadn’t factored in the diaper rash cream. When I went in to her after my shower, she was plastered from head-to-toe in thick white cream. It had taken me an age to clean her up. I can laugh about it now, but it wasn’t so amusing at the time. I did take a photo of her on my phone, though, before I cleaned her up. It’s a dad’s right to embarrass his daughter on her twenty-first birthday, right? That picture is coming out for sure.
Thirty minutes later, I park the truck near Harbor Beach. It’s mid-morning, but knowing how warm it is already, I’m expecting the beach to be packed. Gathering what feels like half of the house from the back of the truck, I follow an excited Bella along the sidewalk. She knows exactly where we’re going. She has a favorite spot on the beach, equal distance from the ocean and the small play area. As we get to where we want to be, I drop everything. Bella wastes no time, scooping up her bucket and spade and starting to dig, filling her bucket with sand. After I’ve set up our towels and beach chairs, I kneel beside her.
“Want some help?” I ask, picking up a spare spade.
“Yes, please.”
“What are we making?”
“Rapunzel’s tower.”
I glance sideways at her and raise my eyebrows. “Rapunzel’s tower?” She nods and carries on filling her bucket. Of course we are, I think to myself. Smiling, I get to work.
Twenty minutes later, we’ve produced what I can only describe as a masterpiece. It’s so good, people are stopping as they walk past to admire our work. Bella is beyond excited that the tower is almost as tall as she is.
“Take a picture, Daddy!” she cries, jumping up and down. “I want to show Aunt Maddie.”
Grabbing my phone from one of the backpacks, I snap a few pictures, including one of her standing next to the tower, her hands on her hips. Laughing, I send the picture to Maddie.
“Do you want an ice cream?”
She nods, and I stand, holding my hand out to her. There is a kiosk selling ice cream a little way up the beach, and after picking up my wallet, we walk across the sand. After choosing an ice cream, we head back to our towels. As we get there, I feel my phone vibrate in the pocket of my shorts. Reaching for it, I see a message from Maddie.
Mads: WOW! That looks fab! Rapunzel’s tower??
Me: LOL! How did you guess?!
Me: Hey, I meant to speak to you last night. Rose is leaving. If you know of anyone to replace her, let me know. I can manage the housekeeping side of things for a while but need someone to look after Bella. Someone I can trust.
Mads: That’s sad about Rose, but I might know of someone… Leave it to me
Me: Thanks.
I yawn as I finish eating my ice cream. The lack of sleep from last night is catching up with me and I’m exhausted. Lying on my back, I watch Bella, smiling as I see ice cream all around her face. She’s sitting on the edge of her towel, digging her toes into the sand. My eyes feel heavy and I close them for just a few seconds. When I open them, my heart stops. I sit up, realizing that Bella is nowhere to
be found.
Lexi
Reaching my arms above my head, I groan, my body aching from crashing on Maddie’s couch. Standing, I make my way to the kitchen and open the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water.
“Morning, Lex,” Maddie calls out on a yawn as she pads into the kitchen. Turning around, I give her a small wave.
“Morning. I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“Nah. I need to get up for work anyway.”
“How was babysitting?” I ask, knowing she watched her niece last night.
“She’s gorgeous. We swam, watched a movie, and I put polish on her toes. She definitely keeps me busy, but I love her to bits.” Her eyes drop to the water in my hand. “Could you grab me one of those?”
“Sure. Sorry, I should have asked before I helped myself.” I hold out my unopened bottle to her.
“Lexi, it’s fine.” She smiles as she takes the bottle from my hand. “I told you yesterday, you should make yourself at home. You can stay as long as you like. You know that, right?”
“Thank you.”
“I just wish I had a spare room for you to sleep in. I’m sure my old couch isn’t all that comfy.” She frowns before opening the bottle and taking a mouthful.
“The couch is fine. I really appreciate you letting me stay. I’ll be out of your way in a few days, after I figure this mess out.”
“Honestly, there’s no rush. It’s actually quite nice to have someone else around the place, and we have a shitload of stuff to catch up on.”
