‘Pam,’ Celia Crayfish said. ‘My name is Pam.’
‘Pam,’ Gretal Green repeated.
‘Pam. So the houses, how can we move them through the pipes?’ Celia Crayfish asked.
Gretal Green shook her head. ‘Like I said earlier, I cannot help you with that. Why are you going up there anyway?’
‘Holiday,’ Celia Crayfish said dismissively.
‘Not to torture children?’
‘Nope.’
Celia Crayfish ran her hand across the table and stroked the slug, briefly blocking the camera’s view. ‘And the colour, how do we stop that from switching to black and grey? We’d like to be in colour up there.’
‘You can’t stop the colour from changing. Our spells here at NAPA mean you will always be in black and white up there, and colour down here.’
‘Not if we devised a spell to steal Sinkville’s colour and take it with us,’ Celia Crayfish muttered to herself.
‘Why would you ever want to do that?! That would mean everything would be in black and white down here! I would find a way to stop that!’ Gretal Green got to her feet and shakily raised a finger. ‘You are up to something, I know it.’
Celia Crayfish picked up the slug and dangled it in front of her face.
‘Eww,’ Fran said, wincing as they got a view right up Celia Crayfish’s nose.
‘What’s the slug for?’ Celia Crayfish asked.
Gretal Green took a seat back at her desk. ‘It’s a new absorbing spell we invented. The slug absorbs lots of information about the world above the pipes.’
‘Have you been doing any evil magic?’ Celia Crayfish asked.
Miss Heks, who was still marching about the room fiddling with buttons and levers, snorted.
‘We prevent evil magic,’ Gretal Green said.
‘Yes, well, in my day, you could turn a witch into a doll and no one would bat an eyelash,’ Celia Crayfish said, snatching the Eddy Eggby doll and putting her in her bag.
‘Oi! That’s my doll,’ Gretal Green cried. ‘Get out of here, leave! I shall be reporting you, Pam, to the Top Witch.’
Celia Crayfish flicked her finger and momentarily froze Gretal Green.
Felicity Bat tapped the screen. ‘That’s her freeze spell – erases the memory, usually back about twenty-four hours, but sometimes more depending on the witch.’
Celia Crayfish strolled over to a lever on the wall, yanked it and then snapped it in half.
Tiga gasped! The whole crowd watching gasped! When Celia Crayfish moved the lever, Gretal Green had vanished. Only her hat was left!
‘You know,’ Felicity Bat said excitedly, ‘those levers in NAPA were new security levers they were working on. When you flip them they launch a safety measure and hide you – in this case it sucks you into your hat. It probably sucked everyone in Silver City and everyone else within range into their hats. My gran and Miss Heks must have done a spell to stop themselves from being sucked into their hats too. I read something about the levers when I was in your mum’s office – they hadn’t perfected them yet. But the levers are designed to snap back after about ten minutes, otherwise you’d be stuck like that for ever. But this lever obviously didn’t in all the years between then and now … because my gran broke it. They must have planned all this. ’
The slug view moved and peered at a baby in a basket next to Gretal Green’s desk. It was Tiga! Her chubby fingers reached out for the slug.
‘Lucky you weren’t wearing a hat, Tiga,’ Fluffanora said.
‘Get that slug, Eggweena,’ Celia Crayfish snapped at Miss Heks. ‘It might’ve absorbed all of this, and we can’t have anyone knowing what we did to poor little Gretal Green.’ She peered out of the window at the thousands of hats that littered the empty streets of Silver City and beyond. ‘And all of Silver City and beyond,’ she said with a snort, before stalking out of the door.
‘Well, I guess you must be the slug …’ Miss Heks mumbled, staring strangely at the baby and completely missing the actual slug.
She grabbed the baby’s basket and turned to leave. The slug wriggled furiously and fell, off the desk and into the basket.
‘Sluggfrey wriggled his way into your basket!’ Peggy cheered.
Miss Heks looked down into the baby’s basket and whispered, ‘Time for you to leave Sinkville.’ She began to sing, ‘We’re going above the pipes and we’re going to scare some children …’
‘So wait,’ Fluffanora said. ‘Celia Crayfish went above the pipes to terrify children, like everyone suspected, but she didn’t take your mum with her –’
‘She somehow sucked your mum into a hat?’ Peggy said. ‘Sinkville is a minefield of silly magic, isn’t it?’
‘That means the Big Exit wasn’t nearly as big as everyone thought,’ Fluffanora mused. ‘Most of the witches were sucked into their own hats. Only the really evil ones left Sinkville. That’s why we saw so many hats in Silver City!’
‘Well, this is just BRILLIANT!’ Felicity Bat squealed in uncharacteristic glee. ‘All we have to do is fix the lever, flip it and then your mum and everyone else who vanished will pop back out of their hats!’
‘This is great!’ Peggy said. ‘She’s not dead or kidnapped or melted or anything, she’s just in her hat! … Tiga?’
‘Tiga?’ Peggy said again.
Tiga sat in the corner with her head in her hands. ‘I put the hat on.’
‘What?’ Felicity Bat asked.
‘I was wearing the hat when we were arguing outside NAPA. I dropped the hat in the river, remember? She’s … gone.’
‘DUN, DUN DUUUUN,’ Fran said, being completely inappropriate.
52
Bad Witches
Above the Pipes
‘I mean, of all the places to be banished to with no magic for ever, this isn’t half bad!’ Miss Heks said, putting on her hairnet and staring adoringly around the cheese factory.
Celia Crayfish and her band of evil witches SCREAMED.
53
Ready!
‘Ready?’ Felicity Bat said, levitating up to Fran’s flying level.
‘REEEEAAAADDDDDYYYYY!’ Fran roared, attaching the camera to her head. She hadn’t worn it since Witch Wars and she was giddy about it.
The plan was for Felicity Bat to fly to Silver City (she was the quickest) and fix and flip the lever, all while Fran filmed it for everyone to see, just like in Witch Wars.
Felicity Bat had been so brilliant throughout the whole battle, teaching them how to levitate and helping to defeat Celia Crayfish, that Peggy had asked her to come and help her rule at Linden House. As long as she promised not to be evil.
Tiga was still curled up in a ball in the corner. As much as she was delighted that all the Silver City witches would be back after being stuck in their hats for ages, with her mum’s hat lost somewhere in the river, she knew she was never going to find her.
‘WAIT!’ Tiga cried, leaping to her feet.
‘That’s the spirit,’ Peggy said, slapping her on the back.
‘No, no, no,’ Tiga said urgently. ‘What if you flip the lever and Mum is at the bottom of the river and drowns or something?’
‘Or she’ll swim to the top?’ Felicity Bat said, clearly loving all the attention from the hundreds of witches gathered around her and not keen to abandon the mission.
‘Why don’t you follow after us, and hover above the river on a broom?’ Fran suggested. ‘That way, if her head pops up you’ll see it!’
Tiga threw her hands in the air. ‘Really? That’s all you’ve got?’
‘That is really all she’s got,’ Felicity Bat said, as Fran tapped her head, presumably attempting to knock some more ideas out of it.
‘All right,’ Tiga said. ‘I’ll be right behind you.’
54
The Cart Witch
‘You havin’ a bad day? Why not make it better with GENUINE HATS WOT GOT STUCK IN THE PIPES!’ the old cart witch said with a toothless grin.
‘No, thanks …’ Tiga grumb
led.
All the witches were gathered around a big screen. On it, Felicity Bat was soaring through the sky towards Silver City. She wasn’t far now. Tiga grabbed a broom.
‘I’d better go, but I’m never going to find her,’ she said, to no one in particular.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Fluffanora said. ‘Oh, and cart witch, I understand your prophecy now! It makes sense.
‘An elegant witch will rule this land,
And that bossy one will lend a hand.
Witch sisters, maybe, but not the same.
One is dear.
The other? A PAIN.
And, much like the tales of times gone by,
They will find a sweet apple and … My oh my, is that the time? I’d better go.’
‘It all makes sense now,’ Tiga said. ‘Felicity is the pain.’
‘Is Peggy … elegant, though?’ Aggie Hoof asked. ‘She doesn’t even have a nice dress.’
They all turned and watched Peggy doing some of her classic ‘dancing’. She was throwing her hands all over the place and bumping into people. Her hat was lopsided and her dress was ripped.
‘Who said it had anything to do with what she looks like?’ the old cart witch scoffed. ‘Course she’s elegant. Terrible dancer. Maybe the worst in all of Sinkville … But her behaviour, her words – nothing but elegant.’
She turned to Aggie Hoof. ‘Stop worrying about what people look like, it’s nonsense, unlike GENUINE WITCH HATS WOT GOT STUCK IN THE PIPES!’
Aggie Hoof thought about it for a moment and then grabbed a mouldy old hat from the cart and put it on her head.
Tiga gasped.
‘It’s actually not that bad, Tiga,’ Aggie Hoof said, gagging slightly.
‘No, no, no!’ Tiga said, jumping and pointing at the cart.
Under the mouldy hat was one that was a little less battered, but nevertheless completely soaked in silvery water.
‘MY MUM’S HAT!’ Tiga roared.
‘Technically,’ Fluffanora said, ‘I think it’s actually your mum.’
55
The Lever
‘One!’ the hundreds of witches gathered around the screen yelled.
‘Two!’
On the screen, Felicity Bat fiddled with the lever.
‘THREE!’
Felicity Bat pulled it! Fran turned the camera round on herself and squealed with delight.
‘Turn the camera around! We can’t see!’ witches yelled.
‘We want to see Felicity!’
‘What’s happening?!’ squealed the witches, as Fran pranced about in front of the camera.
None of them knew it yet, but all across Silver City, Driptown and beyond, witches were popping out of discarded hats.
‘THAT FAIRY IS OUT OF CONTROL!’ a witch yelled, as Fran began what would be an elaborate routine on rollerblades made out of biscuits, with large sparkly buttons for wheels.
Fluffanora and Mrs Brew turned around. There, staring at each other by the carts, was a once-lost NAPA witch, her daughter and a very special little slug …
‘Tiga?’ Gretal Green said, her voice all squeaky because she hadn’t used it in years. ‘Oh, Tiga!’ she squeaked again, scooping her up and squeezing her tightly.
All the witches in town winced as Fran shimmied across the screen. ‘A one, two, three, a one, two, three …’
Tiga buried her head deep in her mum’s shoulder. She peeked out in time to see Sluggfrey wink at her.
‘I knew you’d find me,’ Gretal Green whispered, just as Fran yelled, ‘LEEEEEEEG KICK!’
‘Someone turn it off,’ a witch in the crowd pleaded, and the screen with dancing Fran vanished.
‘I’LL NEVER ACCIDENTALLY GET SUCKED INTO A HAT EVER AGAIN, I PROMISE,’ Gretal Green rambled as she twirled Tiga around and around.
Tiga grinned like she’d never grinned before. It was a grin to rival Fran’s grinning at award ceremonies (and those grins were something to behold).
‘AND I’LL NEVER BE MISTAKEN FOR A SLUG AND STOLEN EVER AGAIN!’ Tiga said as Gretal Green looked confused.
The entire crowd turned quickly to face Tiga and her mum.
Mavis flicked her finger and a bag of popcorn appeared in her hand. ‘Now this is entertainment.’
Another witch in the crowd dabbed her tear-soaked eyes with a hanky. ‘Oh, it’s just wonderful!’
Tiga and Gretal Green turned awkwardly to the audience of witches slowly, at the exact same time, scrunching up their faces in the exact same way.
56
Party
All across Sinkville, in its capital Ritzy City and the once-empty cities and towns beyond, witches danced and sang and drank Clutterbucks.
‘Trilly’s Tea?’ Mrs Clutterbuck asked Tiga, thrusting a pretty little cup into her hand. ‘Some say you can see the future in it.’
‘Oh you can! You can!’ Mrs Clutterbucks’ long-lost sisters chirped.
Tiga stared down into her cup and saw only an image of a hoover. ‘I think mine is broken,’ she mumbled.
Gretal Green swung Tiga around and into the crowd, where everyone danced up and down the streets. Tiga smiled as her mum danced around and giggled, twirling her, Peggy and Fluffanora in turn.
Peggy paused, wiped her brow and then levitated high up above the crowd and squeezed Fran, sending a burst of glittery dust into the air like a firework.
‘If I could have everyone’s attention, please!’ she said.
Everyone fell silent.
‘WE DID IT, DIDN’T WE?!’
The crowd cheered.
‘SINKVILLE IS EXCELLENT ONCE AGAIN!’
The crowd went wild!
‘I have two announcements to make. Firstly, none of this would’ve been possible without the amazing efforts of everyone here, and to honour the occasion, I have created a statue in the form of one very special person involved.’
‘I hope you got my measurements right,’ Tiga heard Fran say.
‘And that person is one very special slug!’
Fran gasped as a tiny statue of a slug was revealed.
The crowd went wild!
Tiga stared down at Sluggfrey nestled in her pocket. She was sure he was delighted, but it’s impossible to tell with a slug.
(Two days later Fran would stick a picture of her face on the statue and pretend it was actually a statue of her. They do have the same hair, after all …)
‘And secondly, I have decided to appoint someone to help me rule over Sinkville, as some of you might have already heard. An advisor. Someone very talented who can teach me a thing or two.’
Peggy smiled at the crowd.
‘Please put your hands together for FELICITY BAT!’
Felicity Bat levitated next to Peggy and hugged her as everyone clapped.
‘Any evil nonsense and you’re out,’ Peggy whispered.
‘Any of your dancing and I will run willingly,’ Felicity Bat said, nudging her. And they both erupted into fits of cackles.
WARWOP!
* * *
We were right about Celia Crayfish! WE WERE RIGHT. She was back. We finally panicked for a good reason!
We would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the cats of Sinkville for the following articles; we were wrong:
• CATS CAN HOLD FORKS – DON’T BELIEVE THEIR LIES
• CATS ARE GREMLINS IN FURRY COATS
• DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR CAT IS THINKING?
• CAN CATS FLY? AND OTHER VITAL SECURITY QUESTIONS
57
The End
Tiga’s mum whistled and a silver hoover with pipes sticking out of each side fell from the sky with a thud. Resting on the pipes were cushions. One on each side.
‘One for you, one for me,’ Gretal Green said with a smile as she hoisted Tiga on to it.
She placed Sluggfrey on a tiny extra pipe and flicked her finger. A cushion appeared underneath him.
Tiga held on to the handle and waved as the hoover took off.
Below her, all h
er Sinkville friends waved up at her.
‘Bye!’ Tiga cried. ‘But not for ever!’
‘Until tomorrow,’ Mavis called after her. ‘You can come back and help clean up some of the cheese!’
The crowd laughed and Tiga laughed too. ‘I’ll see you all tomorrow!’
‘Bye, Tiga!’ Peggy said with a frantic wave. ‘I’ll get the Sinkville Express train back up and running so it’s really easy to get from Ritzy City to Silver City!’
Tiga smiled down at her and off she, Gretal Green and Sluggfrey went, soaring into the darkness.
Gretal Green wrapped her coat around Tiga.
‘Where to?’ the robotic hoover asked.
‘HOME!’ Gretal Green said.
Tiga snuggled into her and sighed.
She was in the middle of thinking, This is magi– when a burst of glittery dust erupted around them like fireworks, nearly knocking them all out of the air!
‘It’s ME!’ Fran said as she hugged the back of Tiga’s head. ‘I thought you might need a hand settling into your new city. And who better to help you than me. I am fabulous, you know.’
‘I know,’ Tiga said.
‘And I am your fairy,’ Fran said with a grin. ‘Although don’t tell my fans. They wouldn’t like me having a favourite …’
‘Of course,’ Tiga said with a smile.
‘Oh, that would be terribly upsetting for them. Terribly. Could you imagine the uproar? Fran has a favourite and it’s not me! Oh no, no, no, we couldn’t have that! Could you imagine, Gretal Green? Oh, and did you see how I styled Sluggfrey’s hair? What do you think? Oh, I love being part of the Green family! I really add something, I think. Don’t you? … Oh, you’re concentrating on driving the hoover. That’s fine. Oooh, shall we sing a song?’
Praise for Witch Wars
‘Fabulous fairies and fashion-forward witches’
Guardian, Best New Children’s Books, Summer 2015
‘I’m a big fan of the main fairy’
Fran the Fabulous Fairy
‘Cheese water – that is so disgusting!’
Witch Watch Page 10
