by Hilary Wynne
Chapter 4
Julian doesn’t question why I got ready in the other bathroom. He just tells me that I look beautiful when I meet him in the kitchen. I love the dress and shoes I bought yesterday, and as usual, appreciate that he notices. I didn’t wash my hair this morning and settled for a messy bun instead. I knew he needed to leave, and I wanted to leave with him. Julian hands me a cup of coffee as we walk out the door. For a few moments, I feel like nothing ever happened and that we’re still the happy and in love couple who got engaged a few months ago.
My fantasy is short lived when Julian walks me to my car and tells me he has plans tonight and that maybe—maybe?—we can pick up where we left off tomorrow night. Huh? Not forty minutes ago he was telling me what he was going to do to me later tonight. What the hell happened while I was getting ready for work? I want to question him but something stops me. I’m not his girlfriend, or at least I don’t know if I am again, and I guess I shouldn’t expect him to have his world revolve around me. These unspoken questions must be in my eyes because he offers an explanation.
“I had to hire someone to replace Ruben temporarily. He needed to take some time off to be with his family, and I owed him that. Candace had been covering for him at night, and her replacement started last week. I have to be very hands on right now, and with everything that’s been going on, it has me stretched very thin. I haven’t had a chance to even go talk to my parents, and my mom is calling me every few hours to check on me. She called this morning while you were in the shower, and I agreed to go over there and spend some time with them. They have a lot of questions.”
I try to hide my disappointment. “It’s fine, Julian. Take care of what you need to take care of. When you have time, let me know.” I did just say that I tried to hide my disappointment, right? I guess I didn’t do a very good job.
“You don’t need to make this into something it isn’t. I’m busy, and right now everybody wants something from me. I can’t spend all of my time focusing on you.” His tone is biting and so unlike him.
Wow. That was kind of rude. My first response is to snap back at him, but I’m trying to stay calm. I bite my tongue and tone my response down. “Like I said, it’s fine. I understand you’re busy, and I don’t expect you to focus on me. I didn’t ask you to either. I said to let me know when you’re free.”
We’re standing next to my car, and he’s looking at me through squinted eyes. He knows I’m not okay with any of this no matter what tone of voice I use. “No, you didn’t ask me to do anything. You never do. But you’re looking at me like I did something wrong, and I’m not in the mood to feel guilty about anything.”
Damn. This is a whole new Julian I’m dealing with, and I’m not sure how to handle his moodiness. The Julian I thought I knew was always so even tempered. The one in front of me has no idea how he’s feeling about me. I take a deep breath and stay calm even though he’s stressing me out in a huge way. “Julian, I’m sure what you see in my eyes is disappointment. I was looking forward to spending time with you tonight. You’ve just caught me a little off guard. You didn’t say or do anything wrong, and I didn’t say anything that should make you feel guilty. I’m not sure why you’re being hostile about this. I’m not placing any expectations on you, but if you want me to act like I don’t care, I can’t.” I shake my head slowly and reach down to open my car door.
Julian places his hand over mine and stops me from opening the door. I turn to face him, and all I see in his eyes is conflict. “I’m sorry. You didn’t say anything wrong, but the way you’re looking at me bothers me. I hate to see you upset, and I hate to disappoint you. But if I’m being honest with you, I’m not ready to go back to the way things were before.”
My pulse starts to race with nervous energy. “How was that? Which way are you referring to?”
He hasn’t let go of my hand. “The way where I made everything about you and we spent all of our time together. I’ve thought a lot about that, and I think I just pushed too hard. I wanted you so badly, and you kept telling me to slow down. I didn’t listen and look what happened. You weren’t ready for the same things I was, and if I would’ve listened to you, maybe things would be different.”
Julian’s voice trails off toward the end of his sentence, but to be honest, I stopped hearing him when he said he didn’t think I wanted what he wanted.
I weigh my words carefully. “Saying yes to your proposal was the smartest decision I’ve ever made. Walking out of your life was the worst. That’s on me, not on you. I’m glad you pushed me and didn’t walk away, and I’m grateful we’re even talking right now.”
“But?” He hears the pause. He always hears what I don’t say.
“But, I agree you aren’t ready for us to be together like we were before. Neither one of us is the same as we were a few months ago.”
“Really? How so?”
I put my hand on his face and look at him. “I know exactly what I want now. I’ve never been more sure that you and I are right. I feel strong, Julian, like myself, for the first time in forever. I don’t need you to save me or fix me. I need you to love me and I need you to want me.”
Julian just stares and takes my words in. “But I look in your eyes, listen to your words, feel how you touch me, and know you aren’t so sure anymore. I get it. I really do, and I don’t blame you one single bit. I told you before that I wasn’t going anywhere until you tell me to, and I mean it. But you need to figure out what you really want from me, from us. When you do, let me know. I’ll be here if you want me.”
This time when I open the car door, he doesn’t stop me. I’m doing everything I can to fight off tears, and when I force a smile out at him, he smiles back. It’s as forced as mine, but it’s something.
I try and compose myself on the short drive to The Promenade. My pulse is racing and it feels like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. That whole “I’m totally fine with the fact you may not want to be with me anymore” act was one hard show to put on. I’m freaking out at the possibility that Julian and I will never be who we were, and when I think about how I still have to tell him about Luke, my heart starts to beat out of my chest. I’m not sure why I’m even bothering with this. He’s not going to want me after he knows anyway. My legs are shaking as I walk into the building, and because I have such shitty luck, I literally run into Serena as she rounds the corner into the lobby. I drop some files I’m holding and slowly bend down to pick them up, hoping she’ll just keep going wherever she was going. No such luck.
“My God, Alexa, watch where you’re going.” She’s staring down at me as I gather my stuff, and holds my gaze as I stand up. I’m really not in the mood for her right now. It’s like she senses it too, and uses the opportunity to pounce.
“You look upset. Are you okay?” Her voice is so phony.
“I’m great. Excuse me.” I try and step around her.
“You’ve heard about Julian and the baby, right? That it’s not his, and how that bitch Caroline lied and tried to make a fool out of him? He was at the hospital and in the room with her when the baby came out. I heard the baby is black too. I mean, what was she thinking? I can’t believe Julian ever believed her anyway. But then again, he has done a lot of things I think are pretty crazy over the last few months.”
She’s rambling on and the sound of her voice is making my blood boil. “Serena, you need to shut up, right now. I don’t care what you think you know about this situation or about Julian, but you’re not going to stand here gossiping about it with me or with anyone else. It’s none of your business.” I can’t hide the venom in my voice, and it only serves to bring out her claws.
“Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t say about Julian? You’re nothing to him anymore. I heard him say those words with my own ears a few weeks ago. You’re the last person who should defend him after what you did. You’re upset because you didn’t even know any of this, did you? Well, let me fill you in. Julian isn’t having a baby, and because you wer
e so stupid to walk out on the best thing you’ll ever have, you’re not going to marry him. So, Alexa, because I’m still involved with the family, unlike you, that does make it my business.”
I have to restrain myself from punching her. I mean, I really want to hit her. Luckily, Lauren walks in between us. Apparently she had been standing nearby and heard the whole thing.
“You’re a nasty piece of work, Serena. Just ugly to the core.” Lauren grabs my arm and leads me into my office a few feet away. She shuts the door behind me, and sits down in front of my desk. I’m shaking as I sit down, and take a big drink of water before I look up at her. When I do, I see she isn’t happy.
“Judging by the lack of surprise registering on your face, I take it you knew that information already?”
I nod. “Yes, I knew.”
Now she looks hurt. “And you didn’t share? What’s going on, Lexie?”
I take a deep breath and tell her the truth. “Julian told me right when he found out. He came straight from the hospital. What she said is mostly true. The baby is Jordan’s, the bartender from Stellar.” I fill her in quickly on the basic details.
“What’s going on between you now? Are you back together?”
“I have no idea what’s going on. I was with him last night. He’s been pulling me close, and then pushing me away. I don’t think he knows what he wants. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I have no clue what’s going to happen.” That and the fact it doesn’t really matter anyway, because it will all be over soon.
Lauren stares at me for a moment. “Well, I guess I’m happy for you, if you’re happy. But you don’t seem happy.”
Right then there’s a knock at the door, and Andrea and Diego walk into my office. Lauren stands up and starts to make her exit. She looks at me, and I know her scowl means we aren’t done talking about this yet.
I have a meeting with the Varelas in an hour, and Andrea and Diego want to go over the contract before they come in. We spend the next thirty minutes going through it line by line. Andrea wants to make sure I understand that what is written is the final offer of what our company is willing to do for this sale.
Luckily, the Varelas don’t ask for anything else and sign eagerly on the dotted line. They’re thrilled with what they’re getting, and keep thanking me for doing such a great job for them. They also tell me they have referred me to another couple who are in the market for something similar to what they’re buying. If that comes to fruition, this will all be worth it.
By the time they leave it’s already close to twelve and I’m starving. I pop my head into Lauren’s office to see if she’s free, and fortunately she is. We head over to Jett’s for lunch. She waits until we’re sitting down with our food in front of us before she starts talking about Julian.
“So, is this all good, or not good? I thought you’d be bouncing off the walls right now if you two are back together.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know if we are, and I don’t know how to feel about it. Julian is obviously still upset with me about what happened, and his emotions are all over the place. He has become me, and God knows that can’t be good.”
She laughs. “Give it some time then. He obviously wants to be with you or he wouldn’t be. He’ll get past this and you guys will get back to where you were. Just be patient and try not to freak out.” She’s all smiles and positivity, but when she sees the serious look still on my face, her smile disappears.
“What haven’t you told me?”
If she was upset that I didn’t tell her about Julian, then she’s going to be really upset about Luke. I never planned on telling her because of her history with Luke, but she has been a great friend to me, and it might help to discuss my current predicament. I don’t beat around the bush. I just spit it out before I can change my mind.
“I slept with Luke when Julian and I were broken up, and I need to tell him. I know we’ll be over then, so I’m freaking out. Really freaking out.”
“You slept with Luke? When?” She looks less surprised than I’d expect.
“Two weeks after I broke up with Julian. He came to my house because Julian asked him to, and one thing lead to another. It was a mistake, and I wish I could undo it, but I can’t. If you’re wondering why I didn’t tell you, it’s because I knew you would’ve been looking at me then like you’re looking at me now, and I couldn’t deal. I can’t deal now either, but I thought you should know.”
Lauren shakes her head. “I guess I am surprised, but more that you didn’t say anything. Luke is in love with you, so I guess I’m not surprised you two finally hooked up. I mean, I know he wanted to, but I didn’t think you would. I never actually thought Julian and you were over. I wouldn’t have been mad at you, Lexie. We’re friends.”
She looks disappointed in me, not mad, and I feel like crap. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.” I share the basics of what happened. I skip the very personal stuff like the note and the intimate details. The very thought of the note makes my stomach turn. I get emotional every time I think about how Luke wrote, in such beautiful words, how much I meant to him. The fact that he left me the lyrics to Time Of Our Lives by Tyrone Wells makes it that much more meaningful, because he “talked” to me through a song, which he knew would touch me. I think another reason why the note really upsets me is because when I saw his thoughts in black and white, everything just seemed so completely final. The note is in a box buried deep in my closet along with some of my favorite pictures of Luke and me together. I haven’t read it again since that day, and I’m not sure I can. It still hurts to even think about that night and I just can’t talk about it with anyone. I also don’t tell her how I tried to convince Luke to continue a relationship with me. I’ll never admit that to anyone. I was feeling so desperate. It makes me cringe inside.
“You know you can’t tell Julian, right? I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you like I’m sure Marissa has. He despises Luke, and he’s not going to be able to forgive you for this. Luke won’t ever tell him, so let it go.”
“I’ve considered that, but my conscience is killing me. I feel so guilty, and I can’t live like this. I’m on edge twenty-four seven.” I pause for a moment. “He might forgive me. We were broken up. I didn’t cheat on him.”
Lauren shakes her head. “That’s just a technicality. Julian won’t see it that way. You slept with the one guy he hates. It might have been better if you had slept with a random guy. I’m serious, Lexie, don’t tell him.”
We sit in silence for a bit while I consider her advice. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, so I change the subject and she lets me. “Danny asked about you last night.”
That piques her interest. “Really? What did he say?”
“He just asked how you were. He and Gabby are broken up, and he told me he thinks it’s for good this time.”
“He said that to me the last time we had a booty call, and then went back to her a few days later. He’s hot and fun to play with, but he’s not looking for anything serious, and I am.” She proceeds to tell me more about the guy named Sean she met at the dry-cleaners last week. It’s one of those right place, right time stories and she seems excited about the possibilities. She keeps talking about him on the short walk back to work. It’s only been a little over a week, but they’ve been talking every day and went out to dinner last night.
“How did the night end?”
She gets a sly smile on her face. “I left him wanting more, let’s put it that way. I like him. I don’t want to screw this up by jumping into bed with him right away.”
She looks so happy that I feel better just looking at her. “Good plan. I hope it works out for you two.”
She stops at the front of the building and gives me a hug before we walk back in. “I hope it works out for you too.” Her hug is sincere and so are her words, but the look in her eyes say it all. She knows I’m doomed.
Chapter 5
I have another appointment that lasts for about an hour. When I
finally get back to my desk, I realize I haven’t looked at my phone all day, and I haven’t checked my email since early this morning. I’m pretty scared to look anyway. I don’t want to see that Julian hasn’t called, and when I look my fears are realized. There are a bunch of calls and texts from my friends and my mom, but nothing from him. I open my email and see there’s nothing there either. I’m about to put my phone back into my purse when I hear a text ping come through. It’s from Julian. Finally.
Julian: Did you get my email?
Alexa: No.
Julian: Personal email.
Oh, I hadn’t even thought to check.
Alexa: Haven’t checked there. Will look now.
I log onto my account and see a message from Julian from early this morning. He must’ve sent it right after he got into work. I read the subject line and my stomach turns over. He’s ending this. I can barely read the words.
To: Alexa Reed – [email protected]
From: Julian Bauer – [email protected]
Subject: I’m not sure what to say
Alexa,
I used to be able to say anything to your face. I can’t do that anymore. When I’m near you my thoughts and feelings are so jumbled up that I have a hard time remaining calm. I know you see it. I’m having a very hard time explaining to you how I feel when I’m not sure myself. I love you. I do. I know that. But it’s hard for me to trust you. You broke my heart. Your actions made me question everything about who I am and what I believe in. I gave you every single piece of me and you discarded it like it didn’t matter. I know you were hurting too. I feel horrible for my role in that, but you didn’t fight for us and I can’t be sure you won’t quit again when things get rough. They will you know. That’s life. To move forward, really move forward, I need to believe you’ll be by my side no matter what. I can’t say I believe that right now. You can say you will a million times, and I love to hear the words, but words aren’t enough.
