by Hilary Wynne
My friends have been giving me my space, but I see that’s going to change too. At first they were all on board with my staying and waiting for Julian to come around, but when on Monday, almost a week after I told Julian about Luke, I tell both Mari and Shannon he hasn’t talked to me, they tell me to come home.
“I was all for you staying and fighting, but this is getting ridiculous. He really hasn’t talked to you?” Mari is looking at me disbelievingly.
“I can count the words he’s said on two hands.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“What do you think, Shannon? No, I’m not okay with anything. I’m freaking out every minute of every day. But I’m hiding it and I think he believes I’m handling it all well. The truth is, I haven’t been sleeping, I can’t eat because I feel nauseous all the time, and I’m obsessing over the fact that he went to Sanibel with another woman. I’m acting all put together and all strong, but it’s one big fucking act!” Tears spring up in my eyes as I shrug my shoulders and look to my friends for support. “But what else am I supposed to do?”
“Come home. Make him miss you.”
It’s not so simple. “He might realize he doesn’t miss me. I’m staying girls. I promised I would until he told me to leave. He hasn’t said that yet so I’m still there. And on that note I’m going to head back. I like to be there when he gets home. It makes it easier for him to come in and ignore me.” I say it sarcastically in an attempt to make a joke, but we all know it’s not funny. I also know my friends suspect I’m not actually capable of doing this much longer even though I’m acting like this isn’t a big deal.
When I wake up Tuesday morning to an empty bed, I feel more of my resolve and strength leaving my body. Julian didn’t come home from the hotel, or wherever he was last night, and that’s something I can’t deal with. It’s bad enough to be ignored in his condo, but I don’t think I can deal with the worry that comes with having to wonder if he’s out with another woman. I’m not over the fact that he spent a night in Sanibel with Kelsey and I spend my days thinking about them working so closely together. I’ve now spent six nights here waiting for him to talk to me, and honestly, I’m just about done. I made a promise to myself that I would take a week of the silent treatment and that week ends tomorrow.
I’m sitting at my desk waiting for a client to call when Serena pops her head in the door.
“Yvette says Julian says you’re going to the wedding this weekend. Is that true?”
Well, that’s a million dollar question. I have no idea. Odds are I’m not, but I don’t feel like telling Serena that, so I lie. “Yes, I’m going so you’ll have more than your usual chance to be rude to me. That should make you happy.”
Serena shakes her head and smirks. “I’m happiest when you aren’t around at all.”
I smile as brightly as I can. “The feeling is totally mutual, so unless you have something work related to say to me, you can get out of my office.”
“Feel free to change your mind about going. Yvette doesn’t want the drama and that’s something you always bring. Julian may want you there, but I assure you he’s in the minority. Just something to think about.”
I’m trying to come up with a witty retort, but Serena is gone before I can think of anything to say at all. And what I’m thinking isn’t witty. It’s disturbing because I agree with her. I do come with drama. At least Julian and I come with drama. Her comment about Julian being the only one who wants me there hits too close to home. If she knew he doesn’t want me there either, she’d have a field day.
Serena steers clear of me the rest of the morning and I’m able to concentrate on work. It isn’t until after lunch that my personal life starts giving me a headache again. I know I said I’d wait until Wednesday before I tried to force Julian to talk to me, but I just can’t. I let Evelyn know I’m going to be out for a bit, and head down Ocean Drive to the hotel. I role play and have a whole conversation with myself on my walk. I plan to let Julian know that if he keeps ignoring me, we’re done. New Lexie is beginning to be edged out by old runner Lexie, and no matter how much I love him, I can’t keep being treated like this. I deserve more.
Rosana greets me with a sincere smile when I enter the area where Julian’s office is located. I smile back and walk towards her as confidently as I can. I’m just about there when I’m intercepted by a smug-looking Kelsey. God, I long for the days when Candace was running interference.
“Hey, Alexa. If you’re here looking for Julian you’ve wasted your time. He’s not here.”
I can’t catch a break with everyone knowing I have no clue where Julian is. It’s so embarrassing.
I look her up and down and smile on the inside when I see she’s wearing an old pair of non-designer black pumps. I have on a sexy pair of black, Tory Burch peep-toed sandals with tan polka-dots on the wedge and see her looking at them enviously. I know it’s so immature to even think about shoes considering she may have slept with my man, but I can’t help it. Shoes are my thing and I swear the smug look leaves her face when she notices them.
“Oh, it’s not a waste. You do know I just work a few blocks away, right? I was out for lunch down here and thought I’d pop in. When do you expect him back?” I absolutely hate asking but if I don’t, I won’t know and I need to know something.
There is the smirk again. “I’m not sure when you can expect him. He’s been very busy playing catch up since we took those couple days to go to Sanibel. Oh wow, what a fun trip that was. I hadn’t been to Sanibel in years and was so excited when Julian insisted I go with him. The property is beautiful, and the bungalows on the beach are so romantic. Have you been there, because if you haven’t, you really should go.”
It’s a good thing I’ve perfected the art of keeping my emotions hidden because right now I could throw up and break down in tears. I feel like I just got punched in the gut. I have no idea if Kelsey and Julian were really “together” on this trip, which is torture enough, but the fact he didn’t even mention he’d been there with me before wounds me to the core. That was our last real happy place and he brought her there. I want to scream that I was there, with Julian, and he proposed and that I fucking know how romantic it is, but I don’t. I need to make a graceful exit before I lose it. I don’t acknowledge anything about Sanibel to her.
“Okay. Well, I’d appreciate you letting Julian know I stopped by.” I turn on my heel and walk away as fast as I can before Kelsey sees the tears fall. Who am I kidding? I’ll never win this game.
After I finish the rest of my painfully long day of work, I head to the condo. My initial plan is to get all of my stuff and bring it home, but I calm myself down enough to realize it would send the wrong message. I don’t want this to end, and removing myself from his condo entirely says that I do. Instead, I grab my phone charger and a few other toiletries I use every day. I sit down on the bed and look around the room I’m about to walk out of again. I never thought he’d shut me out like this. I guess I don’t know him as well as I thought I did. He’s intentionally trying to hurt me and it’s working. All my survival instincts are kicking in right now, and I’m forced to acknowledge I can’t do this anymore. I stayed and I’ve held on to the hope he would talk to me so we could work through this. He’s given me nothing, and I need something. I can’t find him and I can’t force him to talk, so I do the only other thing I can think of. I grab a piece of paper from his nightstand and leave him a note on the bed. It’s a final plea.
“Just give me a reason … just a little bit’s enough … just a second we’re not broken just bent … and we can learn to love again.” – P!nk
I leave the note on his pillow and walk out the door not knowing if I’ll ever be back again. I need Julian to give me a reason to hold on because I can’t do it on my own anymore.
Chapter 16
Nobody is at my house when I get there, and I’m glad. I don’t want to talk. I just want to go dark. Marissa texted me earlier and asked if I wanted to meet her
for dinner and some shopping. Kevin is coming home in six days, and she wanted to stop by Victoria’s Secret for some welcome home presents. As happy as I am for her, and as much as I want to be there to support her, I couldn’t bring myself to agree to go shopping for lingerie, especially when I’m not having sex. She said she understood and I hope she does. I’m backsliding here and I think she sees it. My guess is she won’t let me though, and deep down, I hope she doesn’t. Left to my own devices, I see nothing but bad choices in my near future. The first one starts with me turning my phone off.
After a very long run and a relaxing shower, I grab a bowl of cereal and climb into my bed. I haven’t slept here in a while and it actually feels good to lie down in my own space, surrounded by my own things. I light some candles and pick up a book I started reading six months ago and never finished. It does my mind some good to get lost in someone else’s world for a while. I hear Marissa come home, but when she knocks on my door I don’t answer. I figure she thinks I’m asleep and leaves me be. I actually do fall asleep early. I haven’t been sleeping well and my body finally tells me enough is enough. I don’t dream at all and when I wake up in the morning I’m very cognizant that my old, familiar emotional walls are back in place. It’s sad to admit, but for the first time in a week, I feel secure. I’m just better on my own.
I find Marissa in the kitchen making coffee, and I grab a cup and sit down at the table with her. I’m bound and determined to hide my true feelings from her. I don’t need a lecture about Julian or about my attitude, so I smile and act like I’m okay. I’m either very convincing or she just has her own life on her mind, because she doesn’t say a word about mine.
“You went to bed early last night. I got home around eight and you were already out. I wanted to show you all the stuff I bought. I spent so much money and it’s so stupid. I haven’t had sex in eight months and I plan on being naked most of the time. Not sure why I need ten pairs of panties.”
I can’t help but giggle. “Kevin will appreciate the effort … for about three minutes as he rips them off of you. Should I get a room somewhere so you can be naked without boundaries?”
She laughs and then looks at me seriously. Oh crap. “You’ll be with Julian and won’t be subjected to our nakedness.”
I shake my head. “That ship has sailed my friend. I’m not hanging out there anymore. Sorry. My bed missed me and I missed not being ignored. And before you go all therapist on me, I’m fine. I need to be here in my own space with my own things. If Julian wants to talk, he knows where to find me. I’m not holding my breath though, so give me some warning before the naked games begin.”
“It’ll all work out, Lex. You’ll see. In a few more days you’ll be back to your own naked games. Just hold on a little longer.” I can’t find the words to tell her I’ve pretty much let go.
Day seven post my Luke disclosure comes and goes without a word from Julian. Despite my visit to the hotel yesterday, my note and my absence, he still doesn’t want to talk. I needed a reason and he couldn’t give me one. I get it now, and feel like such an ass for not getting it sooner. Julian was just trying not to be the one to end things. I suppose it’s just easier to walk away than discuss yet another major event in our tumultuous relationship. He was trying to be a gentleman and let me figure it out on my own. I guess the joke’s kind of on him. There’s no way he expected me to make it through a whole week of him ignoring me.
I’m regretting not getting my things from the condo when I had a chance. Good thing I have my key, because I can get in during the day when he isn’t there and avoid any scene. I actually laugh when that thought pops in my head. What scene do I think would happen? In order for there to be a scene, people need to talk.
I plan to go over today, but the day gets busy and before I know it, it’s time to go home. I don’t want to run the risk of seeing Julian so I go home and plan to go tomorrow during lunch. Once again my house is quiet. Shannon has pretty much moved in with Cory and Mari’s having dinner with her parents. It made me think about my parents and the fact I haven’t talked to them in over a week. I’m totally avoiding them because I’m just not ready to talk about what a mess my life is once again. God, am I really back here again?
When I stumble into the kitchen on Thursday morning, tired from my very shitty night of sleep, I find Marissa sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. She looks up and smiles.
“So, are you going to Yvette’s wedding or not?”
Okay, good morning to you too. I haven’t even had a cup of coffee and she asks me that? “Have you not been paying attention? Julian and I aren’t together, remember?”
“You don’t think he’ll ask?”
“No, Mari. I don’t think he’ll ask. In order for us to discuss things like that, we’d actually have to be talking, and we aren’t. Why do you ask anyway? What made you bring that up?”
She gets a sheepish look on her face. “Well, you know how Cubans are. I was at my parents’ house and my aunt brought it up. I guess she works with a friend of Yvette’s mom, and it’s all anybody can talk about. Random I know, but it made me think about it. I’m sure it’s going to be a big, fancy one, and I’d hope you’d have a lot to tell me about it after.”
“So you’re concerned about floral arrangements and bridesmaids dresses?” I’m not annoyed, but her comments are a little insensitive considering the reason I’m not going.
“Lex, I care because I know you wanted to go. I was hoping the romantic setting would be good for you two. But, yes, I also wanted the gossip. I’m finally about to start planning my own wedding soon you know.”
I smile at her as sincerely as I can. Yes, I do know she’ll start planning her own wedding as soon as Kevin gets back. They were unsure about his situation and wanted to wait until he was back in the U.S. before they started finalizing all the details. Now that he’ll be home next week, I imagine the planning will kick into overdrive. I feel like such a bitch for being jealous of this, because I’m truly thrilled for her, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t say it stings a little because I want to be planning my own wedding.
“I do know that and I can’t wait to help. If by some strange miracle I end up going, I’ll make sure to take good notes.”
As I grab my stuff and head out the door to work, I actually laugh out loud. Who the hell am I kidding? It’s Thursday. The rehearsal dinner is tomorrow night and the wedding is on Saturday. I’d say the likelihood of me going is pretty much zero percent.
Luckily my day allows me to partially forget about it. I’m busy from the minute I walk in the door until well after lunch with back-to-back clients. I even get a deposit for a unit I’ve been trying to sell for weeks, and the Morrises stop by and leave a deposit for the unit we looked at last week. I hadn’t heard from them, despite me leaving a few messages, so this is a big surprise. I’m going to make good money from these two sales, and I let those thoughts make me feel happy for a while.
I don’t see Serena and I thank God for small favors. She’s been buzzing around here all week talking about the wedding. She has no idea I’m not going, so it’s going to suck Monday morning when I have to explain why. I know I shouldn’t care what she thinks, but she always manages to push my buttons, and she’s going to have a field day with this one. Around four, I hear my phone ping in my desk saying I got a text. I don’t even hope anymore it’s Julian. I know it isn’t.
Mom: Call your mother, Alexa. It’s been too long.
I chuckle. Now she’s calling me Alexa too. I’m in trouble with everyone these days. I pick up the phone and call her.
After she scolds me for not calling or stopping by, we catch up on things. She knows about Jill and the baby, and we talk about that. She’s so happy and it buoys my spirits. Her voice changes when I ask about my dad, but when I press her about it she just tells me she’s frustrated with him because he’s been working so much lately. The last thing I need to get involved in is my parents’ relationship, so I let it go and change the su
bject. She lets me go after I promise to stop by and see her this weekend.
I didn’t have an appointment with Ellen this week and to be honest, I’m glad. I don’t need her digging around in my head either. Nobody will like what they find because as each day passes with no word from Julian, I become more and more like the girl they all tried to help me not be.
When I walk into my house that evening, I’m ambushed by Shannon and Mari who insist we all go out for dinner and a movie. I reluctantly go when they agree to see a movie with no romance in it. My days and nights are reverting back to how they were pre-Julian, and I find myself becoming more and more okay with that. I hurt and I miss him, but I’m good at shutting it all off and going numb, and right now I’m happy about that.
I’m walking back into the building after showing some units Friday morning when I’m stopped dead in my tracks. Julian is standing in the lobby talking to Lauren. Her face freezes when she sees me, and she offers a sympathetic smile. During lunch yesterday I caught her up on what was happening with Julian, and I know she’s as surprised as I am to see him. I watch as he walks to my office and sits down in front of my desk. I glance at Lauren, who just shakes her head. She’s no help. I walk in and shut the door behind me. Whatever we’ll be talking about isn’t going to be pleasant, and I don’t need anyone to know my business.
