“So you’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you?”
I tried to keep up the façade like I had it all together but, brick by brick, it all came tumbling down. Tears I’d been holding back with anger in my heart, found a hole in my amour. They freely washed down my face. I could talk all the shit I wanted to, but the God’s honest truth was that I felt lost without my husband.
I didn’t know how to live without a man, even if he wasn’t supportive. Sobs racked my body. I didn’t even attempt to stop their flow. I allowed the tears to cleanse my soul as I sank to the floor. Kneeling down with my cheek pressed to the hardwood, I gave in to pain and suffering.
CHAPTER 4
Felicia
Kenya helped me off the floor and back onto the sofa. She went into the kitchen and fixed us both a drink; for a while, all we did was drink in silence. The tears had stopped, but I still felt raw and vulnerable. I wasn’t used to sharing so much of myself, even with my best friend.
Although we’ve know each other for years, I don’t believe that I’d ever cried in front of her. Truth be told, I never had reason to. Kenya would share her woes about men with me, but my life with Randy was never a topic of discussion. Not because I was trying to hide my problems from my friend, it just seemed like her problems always took precedence. After all, I only had experience with one man and she had many.
Kenya was a romantic at heart and tended to love with her whole heart regardless of whether or not the man was worthy of love. Her latest man was a prime example of what I was talking about. He was a user, but I could not get her to see that to save my soul. More times than not, we agreed to disagree on her choice of men.
“Okay now that we’ve got this crying thang out of our system,” Kenya said, rubbing my shoulders, “what are you going to do now?”
“I don’t want to be alone, but what choice do I have? I’m going to be honest with you. Ever since Randy opened the kennel, he stopped coming home. He spent all of his time at the damn kennel and when he did come home, he flittered around like he was on crack, and the smell … Lord, he stopped shaving and bathing. He smelled as if he’d been rolling around outdoors. The few nights he did stay home, I made him sleep in the guest bedroom.” The look on Kenya’s face was priceless and if it wasn’t the demise of my marriage, it would have been funny.
“Aw naw, girl, not the guest bedroom.”
“He’s lucky I didn’t make him sleep on the porch!” I folded my arms across my C-cups.
“Girl, stop lying. Randy is the most meticulous man I’ve ever met when it comes to his appearance. He’s so vain there is no way you’re going to make me believe he let himself go like that.”
I got up to fetch a picture that Randy had asked me to take of him and his dog, Justus, from a box I had packed inside my office. He was so scruffy-looking that if I hadn’t taken the picture myself, I would of swore it was of someone else. “Look at this,” I said, coming into the room.
“Damn, I’m not believing this.” She studied the picture then looked at me in disbelief. “It’s like he’s a whole different person.”
“I know, I said the same damn thing.” I put the picture on the coffee table, staring at the man I’d spent a good deal of my life loving, a man who was now a complete stranger to me.
“Girl, this looks like some sort of mid-life crisis. Give him some time. He will come around.”
“I keep telling myself that but with each passing day, it’s getting harder to accept. I’ve filed for divorce.” Silence filled the room. I felt as if I were at a crossroad in my life.
“Felicia, I know this is hard for you but let’s be serious. If you allow Randy to run the business, you could use the money and take the cruise that he’s been promising to you for years.”
“The way I see it, I can get the cruise, a fanny tuck, and whatever else I want. It’s just going to take a little while longer.”
“So you have a plan? Lay it on me.”
“Randy lost all rights to the kennel—including his client list—when he walked out that door.” I pointed to the oversized, oak door. “Even though he ran the kennel on a day-to-day basis, my money financed it. Without my capital, he wouldn’t have been able to open an outhouse, let alone a kennel. I bought the building and paid all the expenses. So, as far as I’m concerned, he isn’t entitled to a damn thang.”
“Regardless of who laid out the money, the law considers everything to be marital property unless you owned it prior to your marriage. You’re going to have to sell everything and give Randy half.”
“So you’re a lawyer now?” I raised a brow, tickled that she was trying to recite law to me.
“No, but I’ve watched enough Divorce Court to know that.”
“For your info, Mrs. Smarty Pants, Georgia isn’t a ‘community property’ state, which means—even though I acquired the kennel while we were married—he isn’t entitled to half of shit. His dumb ass doesn’t know that, and I ain’t about to tell him. Besides, he can’t afford a lawyer and plans to represent himself.”
“Against you? Is he a fool? You are one of the brightest attorneys in Atlanta. He doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell.”
“Like I said, serves his ass right.”
“Remind me not to piss you off.” She feigned a smile.
“Do you think I wanted this?”
“Uh … ”
“Girl, please. Who wants to be single in this day and age?” The thought of being single compelled me to pace again.
“I beg your pardon. I’m happily single—thank you very much.”
“Okay, other than you? I’m scared just thinking about dating again. I’ve been out of the game for so long.”
“I can’t say I blame you there. It’s rough out there. You never know who you’re sleeping with.”
“To be honest, I never thought it would get to this point. I thought if I made it difficult for him, he would straighten up and fly right. I forgot how stubborn the bastard can be.”
“Have you talked with him since he left?”
“Briefly. Most of our conversations end up in screaming matches.”
“Damn.” She paused as if she were recalling a breakup of her own. “Where is he staying?”
“With a friend of his. He called yesterday when he got the divorce papers and told me exactly what he thought about me and my papers.”
“Damn, girl, I’m stunned. I can’t believe you kept all this from me. I’m supposed to be your friend, not just your hairstylist.”
“You are my friend, but I had to accept it myself before I could share it with anyone else. These last few months have been hard as hell.”
She didn’t say it, but I could tell I had hurt Kenya’s feelings by not confiding in her sooner. However, I couldn’t share this because of the shame I felt for failing to maintain my relationship. A shame, fed by my pain, that resulted in anger and resentment toward Randy. “I’m sorry, girl. I wish I were the type of person that could talk about problems like this but I’m not. I come from a long line of women who taught me not to share those intimate details. To them, it’s a sign of weakness.”
“That’s just plain silly.” She looked at me as if I had escaped from a mental hospital. “We all need a shoulder to cry on every now and then.”
“In hindsight, that makes sense, but I didn’t know that.” I released a heavy sigh, which eased some of the tension in my shoulders.
“Okay, I’ll give you that. But let this be the last time we have this conversation. I bare my soul to you ’cause I love and trust you. Give me that same courtesy, okay?”
“Yes, Mama.”
“I got your mama for ya. So let’s get back to the business: have you decided what you are going to do with the dogs?”
“Outside of keeping them from Randy, I haven’t given it much thought. I might not even keep the business running after the divorce. I haven’t thought that far. I just refuse to make it comfortable for Randy to get along without me. I want to stick it
to the bastard for all the years of pain he’s caused me. Hell, I might sell those damn dogs on Ebay one at a time—except his favorite dog, Justus. I think I’m going to have him put to sleep and send Randy the ashes COD.” I got up and started pacing again.
“Felicia, don’t be mean. Remember, God don’t like ugly.”
“Why is it mean to give him a taste of his own medicine? Whose side are you on anyway?”
“I’m on your side, boo, but can I play the devil’s advocate?”
I waved her off. “You’re going to do it anyway.”
“Shit … remind me again not to get on your bad side, you go straight for the jugular.”
“I’ve given him more than enough time to make this right. If he were to walk through that door today, and be the man I married, I’d tear those papers up in a heartbeat.” The more I paced, the angrier I became. “When he refused to take his CPA test after all those years of school, I didn’t say anything. When he sat on his tired ass around the house for several years trying to find himself, I didn’t pitch a fit because at least during those days, he was handling his business if you know what I mean.”
Her eyes followed me. “Please sit your ass down.” She waited until I had complied before continuing. “I know exactly what you mean. Ain’t nothing worse than a man that won’t lay it down on a sista.”
“Exactly! I had to remind him to take a bath. Then, he became obsessed with the Internet. In all our years together, he never surfed the Net. But I didn’t complain about that either because at least he was doing something.”
“But he was using the computer before. I saw him when I would come over here to do your hair.”
“Yeah, but that was to type his papers when he went to school. I didn’t even know he knew the Internet existed. So imagine my surprise to see his face glued to the screen long after the pretense of school was over. At first I was happy to see him interested in something other than the stupid television. He went from one extreme to another almost overnight. I thought he was surfing the Net for porn sites.”
“Oh Lawd. Those porn sites are a hot mess. Once you click on one, all these other windows pop up, each one charging you an access fee.”
It was no secret that Kenya was a freak on the low, but I had no idea she’d incorporated virtual sex. “Uh-oh, you sound like you have first-hand knowledge. Is there something you wanna share?”
“Naw, girl, that’s not my story. I ain’t into peepin’ no dick that I can’t touch, suck, or ride.”
“I know that’s right. I never understood the fascination with Internet porn. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good X-rated movie, but at the end of the tape, there better be a stiff dick waiting around for me to work things out!”
“Tell the truth and shame the devil. My nephew got caught up and my sister is going through hell trying to fix her computer. Needless to say, he is banned from the Net.”
“Isn’t he about seventeen now?”
“Yeah, seventeen years of raging hormones ready to burst loose into the world.”
“Ouch. I don’t envy her. If he hasn’t had some pussy yet, it won’t be long.”
“Personally I think that boy has been fucking since he was twelve, but that’s a whole ’nother story. So, which one caused the demise of your marriage? Straight porn or cyber sex?”
“Neither; in retrospect, I could’ve dealt with that better than this shit. That’s when he became obsessed with dogs. He would research them on the Net, scour the paper for breeders and be all up in my face for money to go see them. He’d trace their linage as if they were a part of his own family tree. We stopped doing everything together that we used to do.”
“Everything?”
“Yep. Everything. I could not even get him to go to the mall. Randy loved shopping more than me. If he did go, he’d park his ass in the pet store and stay there until I was ready to go.”
“I don’t understand. Why the sudden interest in dogs? Did his parents stop him from having pets when he was little?”
“No, he was spoiled rotten. If he wanted a dog, there’s no doubt in my mind that he would’ve had one.”
“This is too weird.”
“Tell me about it. So I let him have a dog. Not just any dog, either. He had to have a Mastiff.”
“A whatstiff?”
“I know, right? I told you he did his homework. I allowed him to fly all over the country to find the perfect dog, thinking that would be the end of it. He named the dog Justus. I didn’t realize it then but the name was figurative and meant to exclude me.”
“Oh … now your straight up trippin’.”
“Just-us, get it? He kept that dog with him at all times; he even allowed it to sleep in his room.”
“So that’s how Randy ended up in the guest bedroom?” she said that more like a revelation, not a question. “Do you think that was part of the problem?”
“No. I was not letting a dog sleep in my room, period. And I don’t think I was being unreasonable about that, either.”
“Ooh-wee, that’s deep. Did you tell him how you felt?”
“Of course I did, he just blew me off. I thought if I bought him a dog, he would start acting like my husband again.” I flung my legs over the arm of the overstuffed sofa and allowed my freshly done hair to lay on its cushions.
“You might want to wrap that head before you go rolling all around on the couch,” Kenya said with attitude.
“Oops, my bad. I forgot.” I sat up on my elbows, kicking my legs in frustration. It wasn’t easy to admit I’d made a grievous error, especially to Kenya, who thought I always had my shit together. “Do you want another drink?” I got up, grabbed her empty glass and went into the kitchen to fix us both a double shot of Scotch on the rocks.
I downed mine quickly and poured another before joining Kenya in the living room.
“I am still struggling with why you didn’t tell me this before?” she said as I came into the room.
“How could I? I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. Things between us had gotten better for a hot minute because he wanted another dog. Two led to three and before I knew it, he had six dogs living in the house with us. I bought the kennel to keep them out of the house, but that shit backed fired: he all but moved in with them. He kept all the dogs at the kennel except Justus.”
“Girl, this doesn’t sound like a mid-life crisis to me, it sounds like he’s lost his fucking mind.”
We both turned and stared at Justus. He was sitting in the corner and didn’t bother to raise his head when he’d heard his name, or wag his tail in acknowledgement. For a brief moment, I wondered whether he was sick since he hardly ever wagged his tail, but I shrugged that off.
“Have you made friends with him?” Kenya said, gesturing toward Justus.
“Somewhat. He tolerates me, but he doesn’t act the same way he does around Randy.”
“Sell him or give him back to Randy.”
“Giving him back is not an option. I’d rather put him to sleep than give Randy the satisfaction of having him. If I try to sell him, Randy may find out about it and try to buy him.”
“With what? You said he don’t have any money.”
“I’m just saying. It’s the principal.”
“So what are you going to do with him?”
“I’m not sure yet. I did my own Internet search and learned a few things about this breed of dog. He’s not your average pet-store puppy. He’s expensive.”
“For real? I thought all dogs were the same.”
“Hardly. Some dogs have better temperaments than others. Some are better watchdogs while others are great with children. It’s funny that Randy chose a dog that’s good with children but refuses to even consider having any. I’ve come to realize that our whole relationship was a farce. I’d like to blame it all on that dog, but the reality is our relationship was fucked up even before he’d brought Justus home. I’ve made more sacrifices for Randy than I care to think about. The sad thing is that I can’t rem
ember a single thing that he’s ever done for me.” I started to cry again, overwhelmed by the enormity of my feelings.
To my utter surprise, Justus got up from his corner and tried to lick the tears from my face. Was this a truce? Was he telling me that everything was going to be okay in his own doggy styled way? Repulsed by his tongue, I pushed him. Maybe I was getting through to Justus, but I wasn’t about to allow him to lick me on the face.
“Well I’ll be damned. You just got served by a dog.” Kenya started laughing so hard she spilt her drink.
“Don’t laugh, heifer, you let a dog lick you on a regular—only yours has two legs instead of four.” Oops, I went too far with my sarcastic remark.
Sucking in a breath, Kenya glared at me. She slammed her glass on the table, grabbing her bags. “My relationships are not up for discussion tonight.”
“Girl, please don’t get your panties all twisted in a bunch. I’m sorry for taking a cheap shot.” I rubbed Justus between his short-cropped ears as he lowered his head onto my lap. I wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing but it felt like the thing to do at the time.
“It sure was. I didn’t come over here for that shit.”
Kenya had been going through her own ups and downs. She didn’t know who her boyfriend was going to stick it to next. Since I’d warned her not to deal with the fickle fucker in the first place, she didn’t like to discuss him with me. It was crazy to invest so much time into a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, but who the hell was I to talk since my own relationship was in the toilet? Kenya finished gathering up her stuff, but I couldn’t allow her to leave mad.
“Kenya, wait, that’s BB talking. It wasn’t me. I’m sorry.”
“BB? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Bitter Bitch. I’m evolving, so please don’t give up on me. God isn’t through with me yet.”
She looked as if she didn’t know whether to laugh or smack the shit out of me. “Look, I really do need to go. I’ll holler at you later.” She started toward the door.
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