by Drew Hunt
“Not Lisa and Gary. Trust me, I’d know if Lisa was unhappy. Women’s intuition.”
Much as he wanted to dismiss Sandy’s beliefs, he knew he couldn’t. “So why would Trevor say that Gary’s marriage was in trouble?”
“He’s probably just repeating what Gary’s told him.”
“That lying, cheating—” Paul shot to his feet, feeling more energised than in days.
“That’s the spirit,” Sandy said, looking pleased with herself.
“Thanks,” Paul kissed her cheek before sprinting out of the room and down the hallway.
“Uh, aren’t you forgetting something?” Sandy called to him as he made it as far as his front door.
“What?” Paul returned to the living room.
She pointed to his car keys on the coffee table.
“Thanks. Now come on, I need to get there before that bastard tells Trev any more lies.
“Yeah, I’m not too pleased with him myself, sleeping around on my best friend.”
Sandy decided she didn’t want to witness “a testosterone fuelled disagreement,” so decided not to accompany Paul to Trevor’s. “I came round to get you out and about. I’ve done that.” Sandy climbed into her car. “Just give him a kick in the goolies from me for cheating on Lisa.”
* * * *
“If that smooth-talking bastard has lied to Trevor and is using him, I’ll—” Paul’s hands tightened on the steering wheel.
Once he pulled up outside Trevor’s house and looked over at the neatly tended garden, he grew hesitant. Could he face Trevor? He’d be bound to ask questions about why he’d run out the other day. Trevor had left a couple of concerned messages on his answering machine. Paul had played them back a number of times but hadn’t had the courage to ring him back.
“Best get it over with,” he said under his breath as he unlatched his seatbelt and climbed out of the car.
Standing at the front door waiting for admittance, Paul couldn’t help being reminded of the last time he had stood there, and what he found when he’d been let in. His thoughts were interrupted by the door being opened, by Gary.
Paul felt his anger rise. “Trevor in?”
If Gary was surprised at Paul’s brusque tone, he didn’t show it. “Uh, no, he’s at choir practice.”
Shit, Paul knew he should have remembered that.
“He should be back within the hour if you want to come in and wait. I—”
“No.” But then he realised maybe he could tackle the problem from the other end. “Uh, actually I will wait.”
Gary smiled and held the door open for him. As they walked down the hall, Paul couldn’t help noticing how well built Gary was. His thick biceps strained the sleeves of his black T-shirt. Paul could see why Trevor would be attracted to such a man. The fact he was thinking such thoughts surprised but didn’t disturb him.
Once Paul had settled himself on the sofa, a position he seemed to gravitate to automatically, Gary offered him a cup of tea.
“Not for me.”
“You don’t mind if I do? Just come back from the gym and I’m a bit parched.”
The remark caused Paul to look again at Gary’s muscular body. This time he was able to view it from the front. The man really was good-looking in a strong, solid sort of way.
Paul waited for Gary to finish in the kitchen. He didn’t have to wait long.
“You feeling okay? We were worried about you after—” Gary began.
“Not bad.” Paul decided to cut through the social niceties and go straight to the reason for his visit. “Trevor said when I was last here that you are having marital problems.”
“Uh, yeah.” Gary’s surprise at the question was obvious.
“But I happen to know that’s not true.”
Gary gave him an odd look.
“Did you know I work with Lisa’s best friend, Sandy? She called Lisa a few minutes ago. Lisa said you and her are, well, happy.” Despite his animosity, Paul didn’t think it right to disclose the news that he was to be a father again.
“Why, I mean, what’s all this got to do with you?” Gary too seemed to be getting angry. This fuelled Paul’s own emotions.
“Quite a bit, actually.” He stood up and began pacing. “Look, dick-head, you lied to Trevor. For the few months I lived here he’d often talk about you. It was obvious, even to me that he loved you, still loves you, and was devastated when you left him.”
“I—”
Paul was on a roll. Pointing an accusing finger at Gary, he said, “And I’m not going to sit back and let you hurt him all over again. He deserves someone who’ll love him, treat him right and who won’t leave him when they’ve scratched their itch.”
Gary raised an eyebrow. “Someone like you?”
Paul wasn’t expecting such a come back. He sat down again on the sofa.
“I mean it seems obvious you care for him, might even love him. Is that it, are you in love with Trevor?” Gary’s voice had moderated.
Paul open and closed his mouth a couple of times. It was on the tip of his tongue to deny it, to get up and thump Gary for even suggesting it. But just as the words were about to leave his lips he changed his mind. “Yes, I think I am.” Paul nodded. He was surprised at how liberating speaking the words felt.
Gary smiled. “I could tell that wasn’t an easy thing for you to admit.” He got up from his chair and came and sat next to Paul on the sofa. “It’s true that when I first arrived I told Trevor that me and Lisa were having problems.”
Paul tensed.
“But.” Gary laid a hand on Paul’s left arm. “I soon realised I couldn’t keep on lying to him. I won’t deny that I came here with the intension of scratching my itch, as you put it. But, I knew I couldn’t use him like that. You might not believe me, but I do love Trevor, I always will.”
“So why—”
“Why did I get married?” Gary didn’t wait for Paul’s nod before continuing. “I wanted kids, a family. Back then gays couldn’t adopt. Hell, I bet it’s not that easy even now. And, much as I love and totally admire Trevor, I am sort of on the straight side of bisexual. Though I won’t deny I hated making that decision, hated what it did to Trev, I still knew it was the right decision.”
Paul didn’t say anything. He hadn’t expected Gary to be so open. A small part of him could admire Gary for his honesty, though most of him still railed at him for hurting Trevor.
In a quieter voice, Gary continued. “It’s something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. You don’t need me to tell you that Trevor doesn’t go in for half-measures. He loved me, and I knew I was the centre of his universe. And though I love Lisa and could never leave her, she doesn’t love me with the same intensity that Trevor did.”
“If you can’t leave her, why did you turn up here?” Paul felt the urge to pace again, but stopped himself.
Gary let out a breath and continued to stare at the floor. “Because I was weak. A selfish bastard.” Gary looked straight into Paul’s eyes. “I’m ashamed of that. Remember what I said about being at the centre of Trevor’s universe? It’s heady stuff. I wanted some more of that. Craved it.”
“Even if it hurt Trevor when you left again?”
Gary nodded, not meeting Paul’s eyes. “I tried not to think about that when I accepted the temporary job to work this area. Only when I came face to face with Trev, when things started to become more intimate between us, I couldn’t keep up the lie about my marriage failing.”
“Yes, well.” Paul didn’t want to know about Gary and Trevor being intimate. “I’m surprised he didn’t toss you out on your ear when you told him.”
Gary smiled. “He almost did.”
Paul didn’t say anything.
“But, well,” Gary ran his hands through his uncombed hair. Paul remembered him saying he’d just come back from the gym. “The guy who serves this area will be back soon. I intended stretching things out for another week or two, but—”
“But you’d rather ditch T
revor and get back to your life of cosy domesticity.”
Gary winced. “Guess I deserved that. But yes, I need to get back home.”
“Poor Trevor.”
“Yeah.” Gary sighed. “He’s always known this was a temporary arrangement. I made sure he understood that.”
“How considerate of you.” Paul hoped his sarcasm came through. How could he be with his gay lover one minute and then his wife (whom he also claimed to love) the next?
“You admitted earlier that you love him,” Gary eventually said, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen between them.
There was no point in denying it now. “Yes.”
“He deserves a bloke like you. Though you’ll have the devil’s own job convincing him. You know,” Gary stretched, causing his T-shirt to ride up and reveal a flat ridged stomach, “the two of us are a lot alike.”
“What?”
“I mean you’re like me in that you’re not totally gay.”
Paul wondered how he knew. He was a little uncomfortable that Gary could read him so accurately.
“You’re not going to have him fall for you then dump him are you?” Gary challenged.
“What?”
“Because he doesn’t deserve that. He couldn’t handle it.”
“You’ve some room to talk.”
Gary nodded. “I know,” he said, quietly. “But I still love him and I won’t let you hurt him.”
Paul remembered saying something similar to Gary earlier in the conversation. “My feelings for Trevor are genuine, deep, and I promise I’ll do my best never to intentionally hurt him.”
“Guess I can’t ask for any more than that.”
They lapsed into silence again, so both started when they heard a key in the lock. There was only one person it could be. Paul’s heart began to beat more rapidly.
“Hi, honey, I’m home,” Trevor called out. “I stopped in at the butcher’s and got some of those sausages you like. I thought we could—”His words trailed off when he came into the living room. “Paul.” His smile increased, so did Paul’s heart rate. “Are you feeling better? I heard you’d taken time off work. I tried calling, but—”
“Hello Trevor. Yes, I’m feeling much better now. In fact, that was why I came round, to thank you for the messages you left.” Paul had said the first thing that came into his head. He silently congratulated himself for thinking up something so plausible.
Gary stood up and gave Trevor a kiss which made Paul feel uncomfortable.
Trevor accepted the kiss, Gary sat back down again next to Paul, who realised how strange the seating arrangements must appear.
“This is cosy,” Trevor said sitting in the chair opposite them.
Paul blushed, and despite his efforts to hide it, he was sure Trevor noticed.
“Good practice?” Gary asked.
“Not bad. Though with Gordon still recovering with his hip replacement, we’re struggling.”
Gordon, Paul knew, was the old man who had played the organ at Eric’s funeral.
“So Jeremy thought we ought to do Tallis’s O Lord, Give Thy Holy Spirit.”
“I don’t follow,” Gary said, creasing his brow.
Trevor crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair, warming to his theme. “The anthem is sung a cappella. We can probably get a temporary organist to do the prelude, processional and all that, so long as it’s kept simple.”
“Ah,” Gary said.
“Uh, look, I best get off.” Paul had achieved what he’d set out to do, albeit not in the way he’d intended.
“You can’t stay for a cuppa and a bite to eat?” Trevor asked.
“No, my mum said she’d ring tonight, and if I’m not there to answer, she gets upset.” Paul relied on his quick thinking again, but this time thought his answer was lame. However, Trevor seemed to accept the excuse.
“It’s been nice seeing you again,” Gary said to a slightly surprised Paul.
“Uh. You, too.”
Gary’s handshake was warm and firm.
Though Paul didn’t think he’d ever like the man, he realised he no longer despised him.
“You must join us for supper one night,” Trevor said, making to rise.
“No, it’s all right, I’ll show Paul out.” Gary got to his feet and moved quickly to the door.
“Yes, I’d like that,” Paul said to Trevor.
He saw a look pass across Gary’s face, it didn’t last long, and Paul was sure Trevor didn’t see it.
At the front door, Gary said, “Thanks, mate.”
“Uh?” Paul was confused.
They stepped out into the garden and began walking up the short path. “For not telling Trevor that we won’t get a chance to have supper together ‘cause I’ll be leaving. I’m gonna have to be careful how I break the news to him.”
Paul unlocked his car and got in.
Gary tapped on the window, Paul wound it down. “You’ll be there for him…when I go, won’t you?”
Paul felt sorry for Trevor and the disappointment he knew he would soon face. “Yes. I don’t begin to understand you, but I can see you really do care for him.”
Gary squeezed Paul’s shoulder. “Thanks.”
Gary withdrew. Paul closed his window and drove off.
* * * *
Paul got a call on Sunday morning. Gary was on his way home to Leicester.
“Well,” Gary said through the slight static, “the deed is done.”
“How is he?”
Gary sighed. “Resigned. I left him itching to start cleaning. Whenever Trevor gets upset, he cleans.”
Paul nodded, then realised Gary couldn’t see him. “I know. Look, I’ve got to play in a cricket match in a couple of hours, but I’ll pop round and see him beforehand.”
“Thanks. I know you think I’m a bastard, But—”
“You love him,” Paul finished.
“Yeah. They say love hurts, and I’ve done my share of hurting Trev, that’s for sure.”
Paul didn’t think this was the time for a lengthy discussion on relationship ethics. He couldn’t agree with Gary’s choices, but that was beside the point. Trevor was hurting, and Paul hoped he could do something about it.
“You still there?” Gary asked.
“Yeah. Look, I better get round there and try and undo some of the damage.”
Paul heard Gary let out a breath. “Damage that I caused.”
“Well, you said it.” Paul wasn’t going to make it easy for him.
“Can we stay in touch? Will you let me know how Trevor is doing from time to time?”
Paul wasn’t sure.
“Well, think about it. Remember what I said. Keep at him, don’t let him wallow. ‘Cause he will if—” The line filled with static. “You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry, went into a short tunnel. Trevor’s a top bloke. Just be good to him and he’ll repay that ten times over. Listen, I best get off this thing. Please do your best for Trev.”
“I will. Bye.” Paul hung up. Running his fingers through his hair, he swore. Looking up at the ceiling he asked, “Why me?”
* * * *
Trevor was indeed cleaning when Paul turned up. However, his need to always make guests welcome took precedence, and Paul was ushered into the kitchen.
“Would you like something to eat? I was about to make myself something when you came round.”
Paul didn’t think this was true, but decided not to say anything. He wasn’t especially hungry but he knew preparing food would make Trevor happy. “Okay, but something light. Thommo convinced me to rejoin the cricket team.”
“He apologised then?” Trevor asked, cracking eggs into a mixing bowl.
“Uh, not exactly. Well, I knew it was as close to an apology as I’d ever get out of him. And ‘cause I like playing, I decided to come back.”
“That’s good,” Trevor nodded.
“You still bowl, don’t you?”
“Uh, well, yes,
but I was planning to give today’s match a miss. I—”
“You should go. It’ll get you out.” He could tell Trevor was close to tears. He got up, approached Trevor, took the whisk from his hand and hugged him.
“It’s not fair,” Trevor sniffed.
“I know, Trev, I know.”
“It was only ever going to be a temporary thing. I knew that. But—”
“But it doesn’t stop it from hurting.” Paul rubbed Trevor’s back.
“No…doesn’t.” Trevor sniffed again. “Why’d I always pick men who leave me?”
Paul wanted to tell him that he’d never leave him, he’d be there for him, love him, keep him safe, but he resisted. It was much too soon for any of that.
“Tell you what. Let’s go for a drive somewhere. It’ll have to be quick though because of the cricket.”
“No, you don’t need to—”
“I want to. Come on, put your shoes on and we’ll go to the reservoir and walk round it. And if you’re really good I’ll shout you a ride on the electric train.”
Trevor laughed. The pair had visited the lake a few times, but on each occasion the little train that went through the nature reserve wasn’t running.
“Thanks.”
Paul gave him a final squeeze before letting go. “What are friends for?”
Chapter 10
“What? But you’re…You can’t…I mean, you aren’t.” Trevor couldn’t form a coherent sentence.
He and Paul had just come back from a walk, a habit they had fallen into since Gary left. Trevor had first gone on such walks willingly, anything rather than sitting in that house alone staring at the sofa where he and Gary used to snuggle. Then Trevor had come to look forward to the walks, he and Paul quickly slipping into a routine that was safe, comfortable, cosy. Then by the start of the third week he tried pulling away, telling Paul he was busy. The old feelings of coming to rely upon, leaning on Paul were resurfacing. He was determined not to let that happen again. But then Paul let loose his bombshell. Trevor felt his world tilt.
Floundering, Trevor said, “This is silly, cruel. Paul, it’s not fair that you should—”
Paul leaned forward and laid a soft kiss on Trevor’s lips, silencing him. “It’s not silly and it’s not cruel,” Paul said, staring into his eyes.
