Kenton decided that he needed to just plunge forward with what he wanted to say to her. “Avery, I need you to know that I’m not like him. I would never, ever hurt you. I could never do that. You mean too much to me.”
She still seemed to be at a loss for words, and Kenton began to wonder if he’d misread the signs she’d been giving him. He wanted her to feel what he felt. They had spent so much time together, and when she’d left, there had been a huge hole in his life. If she wasn’t quite where he was emotionally, maybe she would at least give them a chance.
There was a burst of laughter from a nearby table that grabbed Avery’s attention momentarily. When she looked back at him, he could see the confusion there. Would she be receptive to what he really wanted to say? He wanted her back for therapy, but that was secondary to just wanting her back in his life, period.
“If you don’t want to work with me again, I’ll understand that,” Kenton told her. “But I really, really don’t want to lose you in my life.”
“In your life? You mean being friends like you wanted?” Avery asked.
“If friendship is all you can offer me, I’ll accept that, but to be honest, I want more.” Kenton leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his mug cupped in his hands. He stared down at the liquid it held for a moment before looking up and meeting her gaze. “I never expected to find someone like you. Someone who makes me want more than just hockey. For too long, hockey’s been my life, but coming back here—coming home—and meeting you has brought something to life within me. For the first time ever, I’m thinking beyond hockey and my next contract when I think of my future.”
Avery placed her mug on the coffee table in front of them. She clasped her hands in her lap as she met his gaze. “I don’t know…”
“Can you think about it?” Kenton paused, hating the nervousness he felt as he posed the next question. “Do you feel anything for me? Or is this just all on my side?”
Her gaze dropped and took Kenton’s hopes with it. He’d tried to prepare himself for the possibility that it was all one-sided, but his lungs squeezed as he braced himself for what she was going to say.
When she looked up again, the emotion in her eyes took Kenton’s breath away, but there was something more there.
“It’s not one-sided,” she said, her voice soft. “But I still don’t think it will work.”
The elation he felt at knowing that she had feelings for him too was tempered by the second half of her remark. “Why? Why wouldn’t it work.”
“It’s Benjie. And Julian.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t be with someone high profile. Max told me that Julian is due for release in the next couple of months. I can’t take the chance that he’ll find out about Benjie.”
“He doesn’t know about him?”
Avery shook her head, pain crossing her face. “Benjie was conceived during the attack, though that’s part of what I don’t remember from that time. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until well afterward. I managed to hide it through the trial and then I came back here to have him.”
Kenton’s stomach clenched at the thought of what she’d endured. It made him want to find Julian Marcus and give him a taste of his own medicine. He understood now why she thought it wouldn’t work, and there was nothing he could say that would convince her differently. The reality was, all it would take was one sports reporter who was looking for a personal interest story to do a little research on Kenton’s new girlfriend, and a connection would be made.
He wanted to be able to say he’d protect her. He wanted to be able to say that he’d make sure Julian never found out about Benjie. But he knew that he couldn’t guarantee any of that.
“Will Julian come looking for you?”
She shrugged as her lips tightened for a moment. “Max has a lawyer preparing a request for a restraining order once Julian is out.”
“It makes me so angry what he did to you,” Kenton said, his voice low as he tried to control the anger. “I already admired you for the strength you had in dealing with the death of your dad and being a single mom, but finding out what else you’ve gone through…I just…you’re amazing.”
A small smile played across her lips at that. “I’m not really so amazing. I’m just doing what needs to be done.”
“Yeah, you are, but not everyone would do that.” Kenton leaned more closely to her. “I don’t want to believe that there’s no chance for us. I don’t know if I can put into words what the thought of not having you in my life does to me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I just can’t believe that it’s all for nothing.”
Taking a chance, he reached out and took her hand. It felt so small and fragile in his, but he knew the strength of it. Her fingers tightened around his as if she was hanging on. The physical connection only cemented what he felt for her. How could this be for nothing?
Maybe he needed to talk to Max to find out a few more details about Julian’s release and the chance he might come for Avery and, by accident, find out about Benjie.
“Don’t give up hope on us yet,” Kenton said. “If you feel anything for me at all, don’t give up hope.”
He saw her eyes fill with tears before she blinked them away, and he tightened his grasp on her hand. He needed to make sure that she couldn’t slip away from him.
“I can’t have hope, Kenton,” she whispered. “My heart already hurts because of everything that’s happened. I don’t think it can take anymore.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I just can’t accept that we can’t be together. If it’s something we both want, we will find a way.”
She shook her head and tugged at her hand. “I’m sorry. I just…can’t.”
Kenton let her go, feeling as if she was taking his heart too.
“I have to go,” she said, reaching to grab her jacket and purse.
“Wait. Please.” Kenton got to his feet and pulled on his own jacket. “Let me walk you out. Just let me take care of the bill.”
She hesitated then gave a nod, her gaze lowered. Once he was able to settle the bill, Kenton laid a hand on her back as they wove their way through the tables to the exit. Their server had brought a takeout box with the bill so he could take the untouched pastries home with him.
Out in the cold, Kenton walked closer to Avery as they headed toward her car. When they reached it, Avery used her fob to open the door then turned to him. Her face reflected the sadness he felt. He had no idea where they were with regards to their work relationship, friendship or anything more. Letting her leave without the promise of something was heart wrenching for him.
Before he could stop himself, he reached out and drew her into his arms. She came willingly, her arms sliding around his waist as she pressed her face into his neck. He’d held her before, but this time held more significance. It was a connection, and yet, at the same time, it felt like goodbye.
“Please, love, trust me,” Kenton said as he pressed his cheek to her hair.
He felt her body stiffen for a moment before relaxing into him again. She didn’t say anything in response, but he knew that she still struggled to believe there was anything for them. He would just have to believe enough for the both of them. He needed her in his life. Her and Benjie both.
After what felt like mere seconds, she pulled back. Her hands gripped the sides of his jacket as she looked up at him. He wanted to kiss her, it felt like the natural thing to do, but until they had figured out what they were doing, he didn’t have that right.
“Can I call you?” Kenton asked, wanting her to know that he wasn’t going to let the connection between them disappear.
“I don’t know.” She hesitated then added, “I’ll be at the gym on Monday.”
Some of the tension in his heart eased at that. “I’ll be waiting.”
Then, before he could move away, she came up on her toes and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. Kenton stood frozen in surprise, but before he could respond,
she stepped back. Her hand took his for a moment, giving it a tight squeeze before she turned and opened her car door.
Kenton waited until she’d left the parking lot before heading for his own car, the memory of the touch of her lips lingering on his. He was no innocent when it came to physical relationships, and he regretted that he had any memories of the shallow relationships he’d had before. But even with that in his past, Avery’s simple kiss ranked high above any other he’d ever had because, for the first time ever, his heart had been engaged.
Still, he wondered if that was going to be the first and last kiss they ever shared.
Avery managed to keep it together until she reached her room. Thankfully, her mom had already been in bed by the time she got home. The evening had been nothing like she’d thought it would be and yet everything she’d dreamed of.
Kenton’s words had healed her heart, putting back together the pieces that had been left shattered by Julian. But then her heart had shattered anew with the realization that for the sake of her son, she could never be with Kenton. She couldn’t hold out hope the way Kenton had asked her. There was no way to avoid publicity because somehow, someway, someone would find out about her and with even just a little research, they’d find out about her past. And then wouldn’t that be a tantalizing headline for those who liked the personal interest side of things.
Battered wife tries again with another professional athlete.
The child Julian Marcus never knew he had.
Only they would be even worse because they’d be written by people who had experience in penning attention-grabbing headlines.
Avery swallowed hard against the nausea in her stomach. She didn’t want to be a headline, ever again. The first time around had been bad enough. Every night she prayed that somehow she’d find a way out of what lay ahead in her future.
Fear.
That was what lay ahead. The fear that somehow Julian would find out about Benjie. She didn’t think there was any possibility of him gaining custody of him, but she just didn’t want him to have any involvement in Benjie’s life. Her son didn’t need to know what his father had done to his mom, but if Julian came back into her life, there would be no way for Benjie not to know. And it wouldn’t be possible to deny Benjie’s paternity. With his darker hair and eyes along with his tanned skin, it was clear that he was mixed race. She couldn’t pass him off as someone else’s child even if she wanted to.
There was a part of her that wanted to just confront Julian and tell him about Benjie so that it was done on her terms, not his. Doing it that way meant she wouldn’t have to deal with the fear of it happening out of the blue.
But the uncertainty of what might happen to Benjie held her back. Her son deserved to be able to live his life without the weight of knowing what his father had done to his mother. She and Benjie were close, and he’d seen the scars on her arms, but he’d never questioned her in depth about them. She’d just told him she’d been hurt before he was born, and that explanation had seemed to satisfy him. At his young age, he didn’t need to know the ugliness of their past.
But at the same time, her heart longed for what Kenton was offering her. Love. A future together. He might not have said the words exactly, but she had confidence that that was exactly what he wanted for them.
Avery curled onto her side under the covers and pressed her fingertips to her lips. She wasn’t sure what had prompted her to kiss him, but she was glad she had, even though it made the idea of never being with him that much harder. Being in his arms. Hearing him call her love. It had been everything she’d ever wanted.
Trust me. His words rang in her mind.
Trust.
Suddenly her mind was flooded with Bible verses about trust.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
She was so thankful that verses she’d memorized as a child and a teen were bringing comfort and help to her so many years later. These were the same verses she’d clung to in the past as she’d laid in the hospital, wondering how her life had taken such a horrific turn. Never before had she felt such fear. Even though she couldn’t remember most of the details of that night, the emotions had been strong, and even to this day, they resurfaced if she thought too much about that time.
Could she trust Kenton? Could she believe that God wanted them to be together, in spite of what it might mean for Benjie? She wanted to trust and believe. But it was so difficult.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
After a restless night, Avery moved slowly as she got ready for church. She filled a travel mug with coffee instead of her normal tea, then prodded the boys along so they could get out of the house and to church on time.
Once there, she sank into the pew with the boys on either side of her, smiling at a few of the people nearby. There wasn’t time for chatting since they’d barely made it into the sanctuary before the worship team took the stage. Weariness kept her from fully enjoying the service as she usually did. Her thoughts kept going to Kenton and Julian and the mess her life seemed to be.
Though she stood and sang the songs, her heart wasn’t in it. Instead, she was filled with sadness, hurt, fear, and anxiety.
Halfway through the service, Benjie left with other kids his age to go to a service geared for them, leaving her with Elliot as the pastor climbed the couple steps to the platform and the pulpit.
“A boy with a sling. A man in a lions’ den. A woman far beyond childbearing years yet promised a child. A dead man brought back to life. Five thousand hungry people fed. What do all of these have in common?” The pastor moved to the side of the pulpit and looked out across the congregation. “They were impossible situations. How could a boy with a sling and five stones kill a giant? How could a man tossed into a den of lions come out alive? How could a barren woman have a child? These scenarios should have ended very differently than they did because they appeared to be impossible situations.”
Avery listened, her heart thirsty for what the pastor was sharing. For the hope of what he was sharing. God of the impossible. That’s how she felt about her situation. That it was impossible. Impossible to be with Kenton when his fame could lead to disaster for her son.
Having her emotions so deeply entwined with the situation made her struggle to know what was truly a desire to hope and trust in God versus a desire to have what she so desperately wanted. The ability to have the man she loved in her life without jeopardizing her son. Would her decision making be clouded by that desire? Would her love for Kenton blind her to what God’s will truly was for her and Benjie?
As she sat in the pew listening to the sermon, Avery came to the realization that she had never really trusted God with something as significant as this decision. She certainly hadn’t prayed for God’s will when she’d married Julian. She hadn’t prayed for God’s will when making the decision to return to Winnipeg. She had prayed for certain things to happen—that the boys would be able to get into the school she’d wanted them in. That her mom would survive her injuries from the car accident. She’d been praying about a job after she graduated and had just assumed that Max’s job offer had been an answer to those prayers.
So this situation with Kenton was testing her ability to pray for God’s will in her life and to trust in whatever that might be. No matter what the outcome was, her trust was about to be tested. Either she had to trust that God would protect Benjie if it was His will for her to be with Kenton, or she had to trust that God would heal her heart if she had to let Kenton go in order to protect Benjie. All she felt when she thought about either scenario was fear.
Fear not.
She wanted to rail against the words that kept coming to her mind. It just wasn’t that
easy. She wanted guarantees, but at the same time, she knew that there were no such things in life.
Kenton stared at the man seated across the table from him, meeting his steely gaze with one of his own. He understood that Max Zevardi had appointed himself as the protector of Avery and her family, but that didn’t mean he had to look at Kenton as if he was the enemy. Kenton could only assume that Avery had told him about what had transpired with the HGH. The consequences of that decision continued to haunt him.
“I met with Avery last night to talk about…us. We’ve worked through certain things, but the biggest thing concerning her right now is that being with me would put Benjie at risk.”
Max raised an eyebrow as he leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest. It was like he was waiting for Kenton to show his hand. To reveal how much he actually knew about Avery and her situation before saying anything.
“Because of Julian and his pending release,” Kenton added. “She’s afraid that being with me would increase the risk that he’d find out about Benjie.”
“And undoubtedly it would,” Max agreed. “I think that in reality, she is more afraid that Benjie will find out about his dad. Because let’s be realistic here, the chance of a court giving any sort of custody to Julian are slim to none. And if he were foolish enough to try for it, I would make sure it never happened.”
“So Benjie doesn’t know anything about his dad?” Kenton asked. For some reason, he’d assumed that the boy knew who his father was—which, when he thought about it, was a rather naïve assumption given what he knew of Avery. She was nothing if not protective of her son.
“No. From what her dad told me, she had no intention of telling him until Benjie was old enough to understand a bit better what happened between his parents.”
The hope Kenton had been clinging to began to slip away. He’d figured that even if Julian found out about Benjie that he and Max would be able to protect Benjie. Like Max, he’d figured that no judge would give Julian custody. What he didn’t know was how to protect Benjie from the knowledge of who his father was. All it would take was one parent saying something in front of a classmate of Benjie’s who then, in turn, repeated the information to Benjie.
Crossing Center Ice Page 30
