by Haywood, RR
‘Eh? What the fuck…’
‘Then she is your girlfriend.’
‘How the fuck do you work that one out?’
‘Morals, Howie,’ she says as though that answers everything and knocks on the door again, ‘nobody here either, next one?’
We go up the path, along the road and back down the next path to knock on the door and wait.
‘Did Marcy tell you we had sex?’
‘I can’t tell you that,’ she says.
‘But…that doesn’t make us boyfriend and girlfriend.’
‘No? Do you want to tell her that?’
‘No.’
‘Well there you go then.’
‘Fine.’
‘Don’t sulk. If you don’t want a girlfriend then don’t have sex with them.’
‘Fine.’
We go up the path, along the road and back down the next path to knock on the door and wait.
‘Them?’ I ask her.
‘What?’
‘You said them. What does that mean? Them?’
‘Lani and Marcy. You had sex with them.’
‘Yeah but…that was two people not them…like…’
‘Them,’ she says with a shrug, ‘I don’t think anyone is home here either.’
We go up the path, along and back down.
‘Yeah but the way you said it makes it seem like loads.’
‘That’s your mind making that connection. I just said them.’
I breathe out and wait to see if anyone will answer the door.
‘WHY AM I USING THIS IF YOU’RE KNOCKING ON EVERY DOOR?’
‘Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship,’ I say as we head for the last cottage.
‘No? I didn’t think you were the promiscuous type.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Ah, commitment phobe then.’
‘What? I’m not…I’m not anything. I’m just pointing out that…’
‘I heard you but refer back to my previous answer. You tell Marcy you are not in a relationship and see what she says.’
‘She’d stab me.’
‘There you go then.’
‘Or shoot me.’
‘Both probably.’
‘Stab me then shoot me then stab me again.’
‘Marcy will not stab you, Mr Howie. Nor will she shoot you.’
‘Cheers, Dave but it was more of a er…rhetorical statement? No not rhetorical…Paula? What’s the word?’
‘Twat? All empty,’ she says, standing back from the door, ‘they’re all locked up though.’
‘Maybe they’re hiding,’ I say.
‘I would if I saw us outside,’ she says glumly.
‘Fair one,’ I say, ‘I really need a coffee.’
We head back down the road towards the vehicles and there she is looking like the poster for the Living Army recruitment campaign. Join now. Ride a horse and kill zombies. Jess trots towards us lifting her legs high with each step as her head tosses side to side all bouncy and poised. Charlie holds the reins one handed and the assault rifle in her other and every single one of us stares in abject admiration. They were born to be together and they look fantastic as she glides it round in a circle with a grin spreading across her face.
‘I’m actually in love…with the horse though, not Charlie.’
She laughs at Cookey’s words spoken dreamily through the radio and looks over to me. ‘Mr Howie,’ she calls out politely, ‘I am ready. Where do you want us?’
‘Where is your axe?’ Dave asks, his tone as flat as ever.
‘I don’t have an axe. I used Blinky’s last night,’ Charlie says, pulling the horse back to hold her steady. I always thought horses were meant to be nice and docile but this thing looks rabid with bulging angry eyes and lips that keep flicking back to show her big stained teeth. She hooves the ground, impatient to be moving and snorting round until she spots Clarence and moves closer to him to sniff his hands.
‘I gave her a biscuit last night,’ Clarence says in explanation as the horse shows she’s pissed off at the lack of biscuits in his hand by snorting in his face and moving off.
‘Roy, Charlie will use your sword,’ Dave says.
‘Pardon?’ Roy says, his head tilting back as though he didn’t hear properly.
‘I said Charlie will use your sword.’
‘Does Charlie know how to use a sword?’ Roy asks, his tone clearly irritated.
‘Charlie?’ I call out before Dave can upset him even more.
‘You stab with it don’t you?’ Blowers asks.
‘There is more to it than that,’ Roy says tightly.
‘What like?’ Blowers asks.
‘Yes thank you,’ I say firmly, ‘Charlie, you need a hand weapon. How did you find the axe yesterday?’
‘It was fine, Mr Howie but I think I will be unable to carry both the rifle and an axe.’
‘Sling the rifle and carry the axe,’ I say, ‘Cookey, Blowers…give her one of your axes for now. Roy, can you show Charlie how to use the sword later.’
‘What to stab people with it?’ Blowers mutters.
‘Mate, that’s enough.’
‘Yes, Mr Howie,’ he says smartly.
‘Have mine,’ Cookey is there in a flash, holding his up for Charlie to take.
‘Thank you but what will you use?’
‘I’ll use Blowers’s axe.’
‘Blowers? What will he use?’
‘He’ll be busy bumming someone…’
‘Alex!’
‘Sorry, Paula.’
‘I bloody told you to stop those jokes. We’ve got a bus full of people right there.’
‘I have caused an awful fuss,’ Charlie says with a wince, ‘I am sorry.’
‘It’s an awful fuss,’ Cookey says sagely, ‘a terribly awful fuss.’
‘You sound like Reggie,’ Nick says with a grin.
‘Gosh? Do I really?’
‘Ha! That’s Reggie,’ Nick laughs.
‘Indeed,’ Cookey says, trying to push a pair of glasses up his nose then adjusting an invisible tie knot, ‘I do like to ponder maps and such like.’
Clarence snorts and turns away and Paula has to clench her jaw to hide the smile twitching at her lips.
‘Enough,’ I say, smiling at the grinning lad happy as anything with an audience, ‘Cookey, do you want to take over from Marcy?’
‘Fuck yeah,’ he blurts, ‘shit…seriously?’
‘Yeah go on but don’t fuck about.’
‘I always fuck about, Mr Howie,’ he says earnestly.
‘You can’t knock honesty,’ Clarence says.
‘Okay but rein it in, we’re moving fast so…’
‘I know someone who can rein me in,’ he says with a slow turn of his head up to Charlie, ‘you got reins eh?’
‘Fuck’s sake!’ Paula tries to shout over her own laugh, ‘we’re moving…Charlie, you go ahead, love. Keep an eye out but don’t get in a fight on your own.’
‘Come back and rein me in, Charlie,’ Cookey says, beaming as she trots off laughing, ‘ah I do make myself laugh I do…hey, has everyone seen my new sock dance?’
‘Cookey!’
‘Sorry, Paula…’ He says, immediately dropping his head to look sad, ‘just wanted to show you my new sock dance that’s all.’
She walks off to hide the laugh and waves a hand at me, ‘you tell him off.’
‘Aw but mum,’ Cookey huffs, ‘don’t tell Dad…’
I wait. Jenny waits. Phillip and Paul wait. Noise from inside. I can smell them. I can smell their faeces and body odour. Movement at the window. Jenny lifts her hand. Phillip lifts his hand. Paul lifts his hand. Paul does not have a penis. Phillip bit Paul’s penis off.
‘It’s Jenny, Phil and Paul…yes, they’re outside…hang on.’
The woman who speaks from inside is called Penelope. Jenny, Phillip and Paul know Penelope. Penelope lives with Toby. Toby wants to have sexual intercourse with Jenny. Je
nny has a memory of Toby saying he wants to have sexual intercourse with her. Toby said he knows where to find cannabis and will show Jenny if she has sexual intercourse with him. Jenny did not want this to happen and told Toby she did not want this to happen. Toby said he wants to have sexual intercourse with Jenny’s mouth. Jenny said no but I have the memory that Jenny was considering this as she knows Phillip likes to smoke cannabis and Phillip may have sexual intercourse with her if she brings him cannabis.
‘Alright, Jen?’
It is Toby. He opens the door and speaks before he looks.
‘Oh FUCK!’
Jenny, Phillip and Paul push the door. They have a greater combined body weight than Toby. Toby runs. Jenny, Phillip and Paul run too. Toby is slow. Jenny bites his shoulder. Toby turns round to punch Jenny. Toby is screaming. Paul bites Toby on the arm. Phillip bites Toby’s penis off.
I have a host body. Toby screams. He feels pain in his stomach. I replicate. Penelope runs out of the back door into the garden. Toby falls down. Jenny, Phillip and Paul run after Penelope. Toby dies. I live. Toby lives. I have the host body.
The garden is enclosed. There is a gate. The gate is locked. They key for the lock is in Toby’s pocket. Penelope screams. She has a garden hoe. She hits Jenny on the head. Paul bites her arm. I enter through the bloodstream from saliva given into the wound. I have a host body. Penelope hits Jenny on the head. Phillip bites Penelope’s ear off. Penelope hits Jenny on the head. Phillip bites Penelope’s nose off. Penelope hits Jenny. Phillip bites Penelope on her kneecap. Penelope falls down and hits Jenny again. I replicate. She feels pain in her stomach. Jenny stops getting hit. Phillip tries to bite Penelope on her vagina. Penelope dies. I live. Penelope lives. I have the host body.
I wait. Toby waits. Jenny, Phillip, Paul and Penelope all wait. Penelope does not have a nose and one ear is bitten off and one kneecap is bitten off. Paul and Toby do not have penises. Jenny has many cuts to her head.
‘Who is it?’
The man who speaks inside is called Terrence. He does not like to be called Terry. Jenny, Paul, Phillip, Penelope and Toby all have memories of Terence being grumpy.
‘I said who is it?’
I must answer. I must vocalise.
‘It is Toby.’
‘What do you want? Sod off.’
‘I am Toby.’
‘You deaf? Sod off.’
‘It is Penelope.’
‘So what? Both of you sod off.’
The door is wood. It is thin. The host bodies have a greater combined body weight and this I use to break through the door.
‘I SAID SOD OFF.’
Terrence is shouting. He is wearing a dressing gown and has white hair. He is holding a knife. He stabs Toby.
‘NOW SOD OFF…’
Toby bites Terrence on the hand. Terrence shouts. Paul bites Terrence on the arm.
‘SOD OFF BITING ME YOU BLOODY SODS…’
I have a host body. I enter through the wounds from saliva into the bloodstream. I replicate. Toby stops biting. Paul stops biting. Phillip does not stop biting. Jenny did not bite. Penelope did not bite. Phillip bites Terrence’s finger off.
‘Give me my finger back you sod.’
Terrence tries to open Phillip’s mouth to get his finger. Phillip swallows the finger. Terrence pokes Phillip in the eye with his thumb. Phillip bites Terrence’s thumb off. Terrence feels pain. He falls to the floor. His dressing gown is open. Phillip bites Terrence’s penis off. Terrence dies. I live. Terrence lives. Phillip spits the penis out. I have the host body.
Terrence waits. I wait. Penelope, Toby, Jenny, Paul and Phillip wait. We are closer to the greater population density section of this area now.
‘Who is it?’
The door does not open. The man speaking is called Lee. I have memories of Lee.
‘It is Terence. I am Terence.’
‘Terence? It don’t sound like you…’
‘Sod. I am Terence. Sod.’
‘You crazy old bastard, what do you want?’
The door is upvc double glazed. It has a three bar locking mechanism but it is strong. The window is single glazed. The curtains on the inside are closed. Phillip goes through the window. The glass breaks. The curtains fall. The light comes into the room. There is screaming.
‘EVERYONE OUT.’
Lee shouts. He runs at Phillip. Phillip bites Lee on his face. I have a host body.
‘RUN…RUN…GET OUT…’
Lee shouts. Phillip bites him on the mouth. Lee does not shout. I replicate. He feels pain. I silence him. Phillip bites his right ear off. Lee falls down.
‘DAD? DAD!’
The son is called Jack. He is upstairs. Phillip goes upstairs. Phillip spits Lee’s penis out. Jack runs into a bedroom. There is screaming inside the bedroom.
Lee dies. I live. Lee Lives. I have the host body. Lee gets up and unlocks the door. Terrence, Penelope, Toby, Jenny and Paul come into the house and go up the stairs.
Inside the room is Jack. Jack is Lee’s son. Jack is eighteen. Lee thinks Jack wants to have sexual intercourse with everything. Lee catches Jack gratifying himself. Lee pretends he doesn’t see Jack gratifying himself. Inside the room is Fiona. This is Lee’s wife. Inside the room is Emma. Emma is a friend of Fiona who now lives with Lee, Jack and Fiona. They scream inside the room. I can smell the fear.
The door is thin wood. I go through the door. Lee bites Jack on his hand. I have a host body. Fiona hits Jenny on the head with a baseball bat. Toby bites Fiona on her neck. Fiona drops the bat. Emma has the bat. Emma hits Jenny on the head with the bat. Phillip bites Jack’s penis off. Fiona feels pain in her stomach. She punches Jenny in the face. Paul bites Fiona on her arm. Jack feels pain in his stomach. Emma hits Jenny on the head with the bat. Lee bites Emma on her leg. Emma screams and hits Jenny with the bat. Toby bites Emma on her other leg. I replicate in Fiona and Jack. They fall to the floor with pain. Emma hits Jenny on the head. Phillip bites Emma’s hand. Phillip bites Emma’s arm, shoulder, neck and bites her ear off. I have a host body. Jack dies. I live. Fiona dies. I live. Jack lives. Fiona lives. I have the host bodies. Emma falls down. Phillip bites her stomach. Emma feels pain in her stomach. Phillip keeps biting her stomach. I replicate. Phillip bites deeper into Emma’s stomach. Emma is silent. Phillip bites Emma’s intestines out from her stomach. Emma dies. Phillip bites Emma’s liver from her body. Emma is dead. Phillip bites Emma’s kidneys from her body. I cannot make Emma live now. I have Lee, Jack and Fiona but Jack, Terence, Lee, Toby and Paul do not have penises. Jenny does not have a jaw. Terence does not have a finger or thumb. Penelope does not have an ear or a nose.
Fiona waits. I wait. Jenny, Paul, Toby, Penelope, Terence, Lee and Jack wait. Phillip waits at the back.
In this house is Stuart. This is not Stuart’s house. Stuart was poor and lived in a flat. Stuart took this house when I gained freedom from the laboratory. Stuart took a Porsche and a Range Rover and brought them to this house. Everyone has memories of Stuart being an idiot.
Fiona waits. I wait. Jenny, Paul, Toby, Penelope, Terence, Lee, Jack and Stuart wait. Stuart does not have a penis. Both of his ears have been bitten off. Both of his thumbs have been bitten off. Phillip waits on the street.
Twenty One
‘DO NOT DRINK THE WATER. THE WATER IS INFECTED. DO NOT DRINK THE WATER. WE ARE NOT HERE TO HARM YOU. WE CAN TAKE YOU TO A SAFE PLACE. DO NOT DRINK THE WATER.
‘Hang on, Cookey.’
His voice stops immediately as I stare at the open door and what looks like fresh blood stains inside the hallway. ‘Fresh blood in the house. Eyes up.’
The tension ripples out. Rifles lifted ready to aim and I see Charlie stop the horse a few metres up the road watching ahead.
‘Dave, with me, Clarence on the door as we go in…Roy, hang back ready, Charlie, we’re checking inside this house, stand by.’
‘Standing by.’
I go forward with Dave and Clarence. My rifle aiming into the hallway to see
thick drips of blood trailing back across the black and white tiled floor and up the beige carpeted stairs. It’s fresh too. Still glistening and wet. Meredith rushes past me, her nose to the ground and her hackles raised.
‘Ready?’ I ask.
‘Go,’ Clarence says.
I rush forward with Dave and hold in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs as Dave goes off to check the ground floor rooms.
‘Clear,’ he comes back in less than a minute.
‘We’ll go up,’ I say and start ascending. Clarence moves into the hallway to keep line of sight on us and Roy outside. The stairs loop round to the left and I hold the rifle aimed high as I turn on the next flight and reach the top landing. The blood trail is thicker here and when I look back down the stairs I can see it is less all the way down. ‘Infected,’ I mutter to Dave.
He goes forward. Room to room with his pistol held ready. ‘Clear,’ he appears from the end room, ‘in here, Mr Howie.’
I move towards him as he steps back into the bathroom. The blood is everywhere. Sprayed on the walls, over the bath, the shower, the toilet and there’s a bloodied cricket bat dumped to one side too.
‘Shit,’ I say quietly but it’s obvious someone was in here drinking water. I take a step further into the room and feel my right boot tread on something soft that squelches and pops out to scoot across the floor. Meredith is there in an instant, grabbing whatever it was and running for the door. ‘What was that?’
‘I don’t know,’ Dave replies, ‘this blood is fresh.’
I look down at the puddles then at the glistening drops on the walls, the side of the bath and the shower glass, ‘you think?’
‘Yes.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘It’s wet.’
Clarence shouts up the stairs, ‘you got anything?’
‘Yeah in the bathroom,’ I shout back.
He trudges up with his heavy feet thudding on the stairs and the landing creaking as he walks down to loom in the doorway with an appraising look, ‘still wet,’ he says, ‘fresh then.’
‘I said that,’ Dave says.
‘So did I,’ Clarence says.
‘Great minds think alike,’ I say before they start squabbling.
