by Haywood, RR
‘We did,’ Charlie mumbles from the depth of bosoms and meaty shoulders.
‘I bet you did my love,’ the woman says confidently, ‘I’ll be cooking you a big meal tonight…’
‘Did you win?’
‘Lilly told us what you’re doing out there.’
‘How many did you get?’
‘Oh my god, what happened to your face?’
‘It’s so good to see you back.’
‘Good to see you back, son,’ an old man rests his hand on my shoulder and those simple words bring a lump to my throat. Nick gets patted on the back a hundred times with men telling him how lucky he is to have such a woman and women telling him to look after that one.
The sound of an engine revving at full speed that suddenly drops off. Shouts from the beach and the air fills with a booming voice that can only come from a very big man.
‘MILLY….’
‘CLARENCE!’ A scream from somewhere and Clarence comes striding through the inner gate leading the rest of the team who come to a crashing halt as they take in the fresh attack we’re under but there’s no fighting out of this one and they get as engulfed as we did.
The cook woman grabs Mo first who tries to yelp but gets cut off and smothered. Fresh tears track her face as she kisses his cheeks and tells him what a big meal he’ll have tonight and I can see the terror in Blinky’s face as the cook aims for her after releasing Mo.
Meredith goes nuts. Absolutely crazy and runs out from the group as children swarm in to rub her sides and head.
‘CLARENCE CLARENCE CLARENCE…’
She comes thundering over. Her face animated with joy and the expectation that everyone will get out of her way. She screams his name non-stop until he darts out with a huge pair of hands that lift her a hundred feet into the air and back down so she can clasp her arms round his bald head. I’ve seen Clarence fight and tear men apart with his bare hands. I’ve seen him pick the infected up and use them as battering rams. I’ve seen him whirling chains over his head that decimated their ranks and to see Clarence in berserker mode is to witness an unstoppable force but right now, as he holds Milly with tears falling freely down his cheeks I can see the motivation that drives him on. The same motivation that made Meredith get into our heads and rise up as a pack to fight and she’s in heaven. Flat on her back with her paws in the air and her tail going ten to the dozen as children rub and stroke and fall all over her.
Roy is the same as us. Reginald too. Treated like soldiers coming home from conflict. Hands shook and backs patted and I watch as Reginald shies away at first but then accepts we have no choice but to take it and starts responding. Roy holds his bow which marks him out and his prowess with the weapon is talked about to him and around him. Dave though? Dave hates it. This to Dave is the same as these people having to face down a horde on their own. People touch him. People touch his shoulders and back and make him shake hands. He twitches and jerks with his eyes flicking to read body language as he assesses each threat and struggles to negate the risk.
It’s Marcy that saves him, wading to his side and ushering everyone away while politely making it clear Dave does not like being touched. Her hand even finds his as she guides him behind her like a mother protecting her child. What’s more remarkable is that Dave takes it from her and lets her hold his hand and shield him from something he cannot read or understand. Then she guides Mo and Blinky to her sides who form a line that holds Dave away from people who mean well but that he cannot read.
Every fight is suddenly worth it. Every bit of pain we’ve suffered. Every bite, scratch, punch, hit and cut is worth it. Every drop of sweat and blood. Every tear we have wept as we felt so drained we could hardly lift our weapons to fight is worth it.
This is the fort as it was meant to be. This is the fort that my sister, Curtis, Tucker, Jamie, Big Chris and so many more gave their lives for. Out there is rapidly becoming a wasteland where every street corner means danger. Where every closed door means we might have to open fire or draw knives.
How? How has this happened in two days? I have an instinct telling me and from the lack of Maddox’s surly faced crews I can only guess what she had to do to achieve it.
Thirty Two
‘We’re on our way…’
She waits in the police offices. Unable to move or even lower the radio from the rush of emotions bursting up through her stomach. It feels like her heart is beating so fast it will explode. They’re back. Mr Howie is back. Paula is back. Nick.
She closes her eyes and draws a deep breath that quavers and trembles on being released. Her hair pulled back in a simple ponytail. A pistol on her hip and the rifle on the table next to her.
The pressure bubbles up. The vent is needed. She can’t vent though. The last two days have been frantic non-stop working every minute of every hour. Speaking to people and telling them what Mr Howie is doing out there. Making them see what the fort has to be. Translating her vision and all the time knowing they can see the coldness in her eyes.
There is a fine line between leading and tyranny. To deftly guide, suggest and show is not the same as tell and order. She suggested they didn’t need armed guards inside the fort. Joan trained those she felt were able to use weapons safely and that was all that was needed. The gates should be guarded and people on the shore side but no more other than that. The tasks were given politely and along with them was the freedom in how those tasks were completed.
The hole in the wall needs fixing. Tell us what you need and we’ll get it. We need a structure over the foundations so people have privacy to use the toilet. Tell us what you need and we’ll get it. Or, come with us and help us get it.
We need fresh fish. We need more clothes and bedding. We need that land to be flattened so we can see what’s coming towards us. We need more boats. We need plant machinery. We need tools, supplies, furniture. We need beds and chairs. We can go and get it. The houses and industrial units are right there.
She organised and thought. She planned and thought. She got them working with thought. She took time to speak and understand and see as every problem was presented. Her mind worked non-stop and was always ten steps ahead of everything that needed doing. We do the right thing for the right reasons. Mr Howie is out there with his small group keeping those things away from us. We are safe if we work now while we have the chance. He is risking his life for us. We must give him and his team somewhere safe to come back to. They are not dangerous to us. I know because I had sex with Nick and if he is infected then so am I and do I look infected? Are my eyes red? Take my gun and shoot me if you think I am a risk to you. I am the same as you. What they have cannot harm us. Lani was different. She was not the same as them. We do the right thing for the right reasons. We put the effort in now and work hard to make ourselves safe.
The pressure grew. The pressure of knowing what she did that night. Of shooting them down and killing them with a surgical blade or the butt of a rifle and by throwing grenades into a packed room. She took the lives of a few to save many but still, that black mark on her soul is there and it always will be. She didn’t speak of it. She didn’t talk of that night but only of the future of the fort and what Mr Howie is doing for them. That night was gone. We have to move on and do the right thing for right reasons.
Still the pressure grew. The gnawing darkness that crept through her soul tainting her mind when she suddenly found a few quiet seconds. The ease in which those thoughts and memories came back. Crawling on all fours while everyone laughed at her. Zayden pawing at her body. Her brother weeping from the hunger and cold. Soaked to the bone and left terrified without food.
It grew but she swallowed it down and stared cold with the eyes of a killer that projected an unceasing and relentless will power that touched those around her. She was ruthless in what was to be achieved and intelligent in how that was done.
In truth. She would have kept it locked down for as long as needed but the second she heard Howie’s voice so it rushed up and
hearing Nick’s made it all the more powerful.
She has to hold it together though. She bites it down again and buys a few minutes of composure but finds herself unable to leave the offices. She wants to go out and meet them on the beach to explain everything that is being done. She hasn’t sought approval from any person but she wants Paula to see it and guide her. She wants Howie to say if he thinks it is right or not.
She used to look after Billy when her mother and father went out. She was in charge of the house and responsible for his life until they came back and that feeling is the same now. Like mum and dad are coming home. Paula and Howie are back. Is the house a mess? Has Billy eaten his dinner? Has anything bad happened?
Yes. Bad things happened. Very bad things but I took care of it. I did what had to be done. Is that okay?
Did I do the right thing?
She doesn’t leave the office. She cannot leave the office. Her mind whirls with a hundred thoughts all vying for attention and amongst all of that are the simple nerves of a girl about to see a boy she fancies.
‘Oh god,’ she blows air out and pulls her ponytail loose to shake her hair free then worries it will be too much and puts the ponytail back in. Does she smell? What if she’s got body odour? Are her clothes clean? Nope, she’s filthy with streaks of dirt up her arms. What about her breath? Is it bad? She has drunk a lot of coffee today. What about when Nick sees the bruises on her face? Will he even care? Maybe he doesn’t think like that about her. What if he’s met someone else or changed his mind? Will Paula be happy with what we’ve done here? What if Howie doesn’t like it? What if Nick doesn’t like her anymore? Why is it taking them so long to get here from the shore? Maybe Nick won’t come over.
Oh no. Everyone outside is cheering and calling out. They’re here. I should go out. I can’t go out. I can’t move. I’m might cry. Do not cry. Hold it together.
She tiptoes to the door and peeks out to see Betty hugging Howie as everyone else runs towards them and the sight holds her still. It worked. It actually worked. Everyone is happy to see them come back. Everyone in the fort spurred on by Betty to charge in to shake hands and hug them. She spots Howie and Paula at the front with Marcy and another girl with a cut face just back from them. Dave and then, oh my, Nick is there. Nick. Standing tall and smiling with humour as he gets clamped into an embrace by Betty who pulls him down to kiss his cheeks and forehead. He’s laughing now. His face is alive with all the grace and beauty she remembers. Her heart hammers at the sight of them all. Her legs feeling like jelly and she grabs the doorframe to steady herself and releases the breath she was holding.
From that doorway she watches Howie getting held and his hand shook. Men pat him manfully on the back and eye his weapons with a look that gives thanks that he is doing it so they don’t have to. They are armed to the teeth too. Howie with his axe on his back, his pistol on his hip, a knife in his belt and his assault rifle held in his hand. All of them the same and with pride she spots Nick has a double headed axe the same as Howie and Clarence have. He’s strong and able to handle it. He can take the weight of the weapon and stands shoulder to shoulder with Howie and Clarence. She feels her heart soar and wants only to run to him but that cannot be done now. She has decorum and dignity and the coldness she manifested has served the purpose to make this happen. These people cannot see the softness come out now because Paula and Howie won’t stay but she’ll still be here leading everyone.
Minutes tick by until there is a roar of a great bear shouting the name of a little bear that thunders in reply and she laughs to herself hidden in the room as Milly runs full speed towards the gates. The rest come through and that feeling of pride only grows stronger. The sight of Clarence grinning as he uses his bulk to force a path to a little girl that gets hoisted into the air. Cookey and Blowers being swarmed by men and women and quite a lot of the teenage girls and young women go straight to them. Mo is swallowed up by Betty. His face plastered in kisses. Another new girl too that looks terrifyingly competent and tough who backs away in alarm. She spots Roy and Reginald and smiles at the sight of them. All of them dressed in black with combat boots on, weapons everywhere and all of them apart from Reginald have bruised faces, cuts on their arms and show the battles they have given and fought in. Their clothes are scuffed and marked and again she takes in the cut face on the new girl and that sight gives her the bravery to step from the office and walk steadily down towards them.
She laughs at seeing Meredith flat on her back with her paws poking up as children fall all over her but those children don’t know what that dog does out there. The men look at the weapons held by the lads but they too don’t know what it takes to hold the line. The women stare in awe at Marcy, Paula and the other two women but they don’t know either. They didn’t take a surgical blade to stab and stab until the blood filled the room. They didn’t take the rifle and beat two boys to death. They didn’t pull the pin and throw the grenade inside the room and they didn’t execute one after the other.
Every one of Mr Howie’s team radiate a power and an energy that makes them stand out. They’re not taller than everyone else but they seem it. They’re not bigger or more muscled than the men and women but again they seem to be.
She stops and waits. Her rifle slung to the back. The pistol on her hip. Her hands clasped politely in front and her head held high. Her blue eyes the eyes of a killer that took down nineteen in one night and she held the line. She did not yield but she took something tainted, broken and wrong and made it better. She gave light to the darkest of days and now she stands separate from the mass and waits with nerves fraying inside.
‘NICK!’ Milly is passed into his arms. Her huge smiling toothy grin wide and happy as her arms wrap round his neck and he grins with his eyes closed to hold her tight. A sensation at his leg and he looks down to see Billy standing quietly. He scoops and holds and lifts to hold one in each arm and turns as Blowers says something and reaches out to take Milly who flings herself across the gap into his arms. Nick says something to Billy who smiles and nods and says something back while Lilly fights the tears. Nick says something else and Billy lifts his arm to point. Nick turns and Lilly finds her chest going tight and the air in her throat catching.
‘Nick,’ Paula is there lifting Billy from him and saying something low and quiet with a smile and a nod to Lilly and the world ceases to turn. Time stops. Everything holding poised and silent. He walks out. His brown eyes the eyes of a killer that search for hers and lock on. She can’t breathe or move. He is beautiful. She is beautiful. He is kindness and honour. She is decency and grace. He is strength. She is dignity. He is power. She is courage. He is a young man. She is a young woman.
He doesn’t speak. He can’t speak and Dave will go mad but fuck it. He drops the rifle to the floor and crosses the last distance with his hands already coming up as she goes forward and into him. His lips find hers. Her hands reach to the back of his head. His body presses in. Her eyes close and together they stand breathing each other as every inch of darkness fades from inside. All the pain goes. All the terror and the fear that made them kill and hold the line. A kiss between a boy and a girl.
‘You’ll be giving my mate some privacy,’ Blowers hard voice calling out into a silence neither Nick nor Lilly knew was there.
His hands cup her so gently and her own slide from his head and over his face to feel the hard ridges of his knuckles. She can feel his heart whumping in his chest and he detects the tremor running through her body. She smiles as he kisses her and it catches to make him smile in return. They laugh gently for no other reason than the joy inside.
‘You’re back,’ she breathes into him, needing to say something to burn some of the nervous energy bursting inside of her.
‘Yes,’ his voice quavers soft and gentle, ‘I…’
She looks at him, her eyes searching his.
‘Nothing…’ he says, his shyness creeping back in.
‘Say it.’
‘I missed you.’
She sinks into him and feels a warmth inside that melts the icy coldness, ‘I missed you too.’
‘Don’t you be hogging her now,’ A deep rumble as Nick eases back so Clarence can lean down to draw her into the gentle arms of a gorilla, ‘Lilly, you okay love?’
‘I’m fine,’ she says as he pulls back to glance at the bruises on her face.
‘Lilly,’ Paula sweeps in and if the world was okay when she held Nick so it is even more now. Paula grabs the girl in a fierce hug with tears spilling from her eyes and holds her like a mother holds a daughter. Paula who radiates a protective energy that surges into Lilly who wraps her arms round the woman and finds her chest heaving with sobs. ‘I’m proud of you,’ Paula whispers, ‘I am so proud of you.’
‘I killed them, Paula,’ Lilly whispers back, a voice so low and filled with pain that pushes back up into her heart.
‘Doesn’t matter,’ Paula says, her voice as hard as anything as Lilly has ever heard, ‘you’re safe. That’s all that matters…’
‘I killed all of them…’
‘Good,’ Paula growls with the venom of a woman that protects her pack with every beat of her heart, ‘you listen to me, Lilly. You did what had to be done…’
‘I don’t want them to see me cry…’
‘Howie, clear this area. We’ll take Lilly inside the office for some privacy.’
‘On it, lads.’
‘Come on,’ Paula guides smoothly round so they can walk side by side with everyone else behind, ‘they can’t see you,’ Paula whispers, ‘Marcy, other side.’
‘Right here,’ Marcy pushes gently into Lilly’s other side and for all the world to see it is three women walking side by side to have a chat in the police offices. Charlie goes ahead. Discretely going into the room to check it’s all clear. A nod to Paula and Lilly goes first without realising the rest of team move closely behind with a shield that protects the view.
