by John Foltin
She drew me in close. Grabbing the back of my head, she pressed her lips to mine. As if I was going to pull away. I mean, really.
She threw me on the bed. She started to take down my pants. I was glad she didn’t laugh at my baggy boxers.
She grabbed the straps of her black evening gown. Very slowly, she lowered them. She slid out of the dress, wearing only a white lace thong underneath.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. For over ten years, I’d fantasized about this moment. Just me and Brittany. In the buff. Alone. Now what would I do?
Before I could make up my mind, she grabbed my piston rod and started stroking. First gear. Second gear. Third gear. As we all know, heat expands. My rod was now twice its original size.
To cool my rod, she placed it in her mouth. Her tongue started doing laps around it. It must have been rough terrain, because her head kept bobbing. Suddenly, some fluids began to spill. Time to pit.
I now put my rod into her shaven garage. Most pit crews tried to do their job as quickly as possible. Not me. I was taking my time. My fluids drained out. After a few minutes of this, I was out of gas. My race was over.
She tried to jump start me, holding me and kissing me, but it was no use. My battery was dead. It was a wonderful ride. I hoped it was the first of many rides to come.
CLEANING THE DIRTY MIND
Sometimes all it takes is an idea, and you could get rich quick. And sometimes those ideas come in the least likely place.
I had been seeing Lynn for the past few weeks. Tonight was to be the night where we first became intimate.
While I was kissing her, I noticed a foul stench. I could not find the source. I sniffed around until I found the source. The stench was coming from between Lynn’s legs. I knew I had to get rid of this before we could become further intimate.
I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a toothbrush and mouthwash. I then ran to the kitchen and grabbed a turkey baster, a glass of water, and vinegar. I poured some vinegar into the glass of water.
We went to the bathroom. She removed her panties and stepped into the bathtub. I filled the baster with the water/vinegar mixture and squirted it up her v-g.
I then took the toothbrush and scrubbed the inside of her v-g. The bristles tickling her started getting her off. The more I scrubbed, the louder she got. Her back arched. This was excitement like I had never seen in any porn movie.
Once I knew I had scrubbed her clean, I filled the baster with the minty mouthwash and rinsed her out. It was cold at first, and she gasped when I squirted.
The bad thing now was, once she got that excited, how could I compare? I couldn’t have sex with her now. I could never match those expectations. So, we called it a night.
A few days later, there was a knock on the door. It was Lynn’s friend Dana.
“Can I help you?”
“I’m Lynn’s friend. She told me about what you did to her, with the toothbrush and all. I was wondering, would you mind doing that to me too?”
“I don’t know. That’s kind of a personal thing between the two of us.”
“I’ll give you twenty dollars. And I brought my own toothbrush.”
It’s funny how money can change your views on things. I was glad I sanitized the baster.
Fifteen minutes later, Dana left pleased as no man had ever done to her.
“You could make a living out of this.”
With that, I started my own business. I went to Costco and bought a case of toothbrushes, and several bottles of white vinegar and minty mouthwash. I rented a small office. I sunk a huge chunk of my life savings into this. I was hoping this would pan out in the long run.
Word of mouth got out. First day of business, I had four customers. Next day, it doubled to eight, and it kept growing.
A few of them had told me that they felt clean, but they wanted me to dirty them up so I could clean them. I told them all the same thing. I had a girlfriend, and I had no intentions of cheating on her.
That was until Piper walked in. A woman who walked into a room and drew everyone’s attention. A woman that made a man drop to his knees and thank God for such a creation.
One look at her, and I knew she had to be clean.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes, I’m here for a cleaning.”
“Okay, let’s have a look.” I took her to the back room. Fresh as a daisy. “Everything seems clean enough to me.”
“Well, maybe you could do something about that.” She brushed my hair back.
I looked to my right shoulder to see that little devil sitting there. “Go for it. Make her a dirty little girl. Trash that v-g.”
I looked to my left shoulder to see that little angel sitting there, looking at me. “You have a girlfriend. You know the right thing to do.” The angel turned and looked at Piper. “Never mind. Listen to him.”
So, since she had her panties off already, I took her up on the offer. Before I brushed her out, I took out my tube and squeezed out my own version of toothpaste into her. A few minutes later, I had that look on my face that I had seen so many women leave here with.
For Piper, I gave her the extra special treatment. I didn’t rush into it. I squirted the water/vinegar in short bursts, covering all areas. For her, I got a toothbrush with a bit stiffer bristles and a tongue scrubber. In slow, circular motions, I worked over all areas, left to right, top to bottom. Nothing left unbrushed. She let out a silent scream, looking like she was screaming her head off, but not a sound to be heard.
I went over the area with the tongue scrubber. The different texture changed her expression. Now, she was swearing like a sailor. I never thought such a perfect woman could utter such words.
I had the mouthwash on ice, so it was chilled when I squirted it inside her. This brought out a loud “Oooooooh” from her.
I could tell she was most appreciative of the service I had given her. She laid a kiss on me that curled my toes, that caused me to shoot my tube again.
For the next few weeks, business was booming. I did as many as thirty cleanings in a day, but I never dirtied the runway prior to cleaning again.
All of a sudden, business started to slow down. Each day, the clientele got less and less.
Then one day, I had no customers.
The downside to this was that the women learned that they could do this themselves for free.
I had put my savings into my office. Now, I had no income to keep it open. I was stuck with a case full of toothbrushes and bottles of vinegar and mouthwash.
Worst of all, Lynn found out about Piper and dumped me. I never heard from Piper or Lynn again.
SECRET TO SUCCESS
Most of those who have been successful in life did not have it handed to them. They had to work for it. And they probably followed a similar formula as Jeff did.
A few years ago, I was struggling to get by day by day. I had just lost my job. (And no, it didn’t have anything to do with toothbrushes.) My girlfriend had just dumped me. I was being threatened with eviction.
I had to stop this downward spiral. I went to a motivational seminar that my friend had recommended to me. I had apprehensions about this, but since he purchased the ticket for me, I went.
The speaker said that there was a simple three step secret to success.
PLAN YOUR ATTACK. World War II was not won because the troops just ran around, shooting Germans at random. The attacks were strategized and mapped out.
STAY FOCUSED. In baseball, the batter didn’t hit the home run by listening to the heckler seventeen rows back. He concentrated only on the pitch.
OBTAIN THE UNOBTAINABLE. Don’t just want the little things in life. Dream big.
Once I got home, I planned my attack. I had wanted to become a writer for years. I jotted down ideas to come up with the perfect plot for my book.
Six months later, I had finished my first book. After shopping it around to various publishers, I got accepted. Eight months later, my first book was released.
Thre
e years later had gone by. I had two other books in that series. Because of those books, I had retired to become a full-time writer.
I owed all of this to that seminar. I planned my attack to become published. I stayed focused and didn’t let anyone or anything stop me. I obtained the unobtainable by not only becoming published but successful enough to make a career of it.
I was able to buy what I always wanted to. A nice house, a new car, fine clothes.
There was still one thing missing in my life: someone to share it with. I decided to use that three-step plan to find a mate. First, I planned my attack. I looked at what I had to offer. Then, I focused on nothing more than finding her. Finally, I decided to obtain the unobtainable.
I was set to be a presenter at the Oscars. I was paired with the world’s hottest supermodel, Persephone, who happened to be single and uninvolved. To someone as ordinary looking as I was, this was as unobtainable as it got.
I planned the attack, focused on Persephone, and decided to ask her out. What better place to do it than on stage presenting with her, with the whole world watching. She almost had to say yes. In fact, she did.
Now came the task of impressing her. I had one chance and one chance only.
So, once again, I turned to the three-step method.
PLAN YOUR ATTACK. I arranged every little detail, from the reservations at the best restaurant, to the limousine, to making the house look immaculate when I brought her back.
STAY FOCUSED. I was putting all other things aside so I could concentrate on making this once chance perfect.
By doing all this, I hoped to OBTAIN THE UNOBTAINABLE.
That night, I picked her up. I knew I had my worked cut out for me. I had put her on the spot. Now, I had to live up to it.
The night started out good. Dinner was great. We took a nice drive and talked.
After a while, we got home. I got nervous. It turned out I had no reason to be nervous. While talking to her, I discovered that she is just a normal person like anyone else. The fact that she was in the spotlight so much made it seem like she was superhuman. When deep down inside, she just wanted someone to treat her like a regular person.
In that case, maybe I went a bit over the top with dinner and the limo. I could relate to her. I was a normal person who wanted to be where she is now. We talked all night long about the worlds we longed to be a part of. In the end, we created our own little world, one where we can be famous and yet be normal.
One thing led to another. Next thing I knew, we were kissing on the couch. It was starting to get a bit hot and heavy. I suggested we go to the bedroom.
One good thing about being a writer was that I was good with my Longfellow. After getting undressed, I started to pen the great American novel. Several hundred pages later, the masterpiece was finished. Her runway would never be the same.
From then on, we were the average couple. I treated her as an equal. She made me feel special. Finally, I had everything I had wanted in my life. For the first time in years, I was truly happy.
THE BEST MAN
Sometimes it’s better to be the best man in a wedding than the groom. At least for Jeff it is.
About six months ago, my friend Peter asked me to be the best man in his wedding to his longtime girlfriend Morgan. Of course, I said yes. I knew he was making a mistake, but he was happy.
I was involved in the planning as much as he was, picking out the ring, the tuxes, everything. Seeing as I was not planning my own wedding anytime soon, I treated it as my own.
A week before the wedding, we took him on his bachelor party. Of course, we had to embarrass him at a strip club. With all of us chipping ten dollars, we got the ultimate bachelor party service.
They called Peter up on stage. He sat in a chair. The two prettiest dancers, Serenity and Divinity, handcuffed him to the chair. They poured a double shot of Jack Daniels down his throat. They stripped in front of him. He got a lap dance from both simultaneously. We were screaming. To top it off, he got a Polaroid of him tied up with both girls sitting on his lap.
Okay. He had his fun. Now it was our turn. We tipped every dancer that came out. Brendan, one of the ushers, got a private lap dance from Ecstasy, who more than lived up to her name. By the end of the evening, we didn’t have two nickels to rub together.
The following Friday was the rehearsal. I was paired up with Wendy, Morgan’s younger sister. She was even cuter than Morgan, and she was single. After figuring out where we were supposed to go, we had the rehearsal dinner. Her aunt did all the cooking.
As was customary, the bride and groom stayed in separate places the night before the wedding. Peter got a hotel room. She kicked him out.
I was not home five minutes when the phone rang. It was Morgan.
“Jeff, could you come over now? There’s some things I need to go over with you in private.”
Thinking nothing of it, I did. She answered the door wearing only a bathrobe. She invited me in.
“Now about that business.” She slinked toward me.
“Wait a minute. What’s Peter going to say?”
At one time, I had a thing for Morgan. I even got Peter’s approval to ask her out if anything ever happened between them. Now that they were getting married, those feelings were gone. Or so I thought.
“About what? He doesn’t have to know.” She untied the rope.
“But he’s my best friend.”
“So? Friends keep secrets from friends.” She moved ever so much closer to me.
“I still don’t know.”
“Well, let me make up your mind.” She took off the robe. Wearing nothing underneath, she wrapped the rope around me and drew me in. She kissed me hard and long.
While I tried to catch my breath, she dropped to her knees. She unzipped my pants. They fell to the ground. Reaching inside my drawers, she caressed my sack. I gasped in arousal.
With the cord still wrapped around me, she dragged me to the bed like a leash. She tied my hands to the bedpost with the cord. She mounted me like a jockey to a horse. She rode me like she was in the Kentucky Derby. As I started to slow, she went to the whip. I didn’t know who’s screaming louder, me or her.
After ten minutes of intense pleasure, both of us were exhausted. Our bodies glistened with sweat.
“So, why did you invite me over for this? Why me?”
“Well, he had one last fling. Why shouldn’t I? And since you’re his best friend, I figured, ‘Why not?’ I now know why you are the best man, at least the better man.”
I got dressed and left. I tried to put this behind me. Peter didn’t need to know. If she was like this, how was this marriage going to work?
The next day, I arrived at the chapel with mixed emotions. I buried the feelings from the previous night to support Peter.
Peter and I stood before the crowd. The ushers met and escorted the bridesmaids. I met and escorted Wendy. Morgan walked down the aisle, wearing an off-the-shoulder wedding gown. She winked at me as she passed. The ceremony proceeded with no problems.
At the reception, nothing was out of the ordinary. DJ playing music, lots of alcohol, friends and family from everywhere. As they started the bridal dance, I was handing out shots as they waited in line. When the line reached the end, I did a shot and danced with Morgan.
“Last night was great, Jeff. You didn’t tell him, did you?”
“No. You?”
“Nope. It’s just our little secret.”
As the night progressed, there was more dancing and more drinking. The time came for Morgan to throw the bouquet. The crowd of single women pushed and shoved as it flew through the air. At the end, Wendy wound up with it.
After that, Peter dropped to his knees to remove the garter with his teeth. I was placed in front of the group of single men. Little did I know that Peter and the DJ had set me up. The DJ directed him, and he threw it right at me.
Next thing I knew, they were making me crawl across the floor to slip it on Wendy’s leg. She was sittin
g on the other side of the dance floor. I was a little bit shy about this; she was not. She pulled up the dress, showing a good bit of leg. Hesitantly, I crawled to her. I slipped it on, about two inches above the knee.
I had gotten to know Wendy over these past few months, through the planning, rehearsal, and all. I had grown to like her. I thought the feeling was mutual.
The rest of the night, whenever a slow song came up, I asked her to dance. The more we danced, the closer we got. As the newlyweds left, I offered to give Wendy a ride home. She accepted.
As she unlocked the door, she asked me to come inside.
“Whew! I’ve been waiting to take this off all night.” I heard a zipper being undone. “I bet you feel the same way.”
In my mind, I was thinking, “Yeah. I’ve been waiting for you to take that off too.” Thank God I didn’t say that out loud. Then, I realized that she meant me taking off my tuxedo. “Yeah.” I took off my jacket.
As she walked toward me, the dress started to fall. “You know, I’ve gotten to know you quite well over these past few months.” By now, the dress was half off. “And I haven’t been with a man in a long time.” Now, she stepped out of the dress. She kept talking about how much she wanted to be with me as she removed my clothing. I lay face first on the bed.
“All this must have stressed you out. Here, let me release some of that tension.”
She sat on my back side and started massaging my shoulders and back. Her fingers were magical. Every muscle in my back started loosening up. Suddenly, I felt her poking at my back, over and over, harder and harder.
That was when I snapped out of my daydream. The pastor said, “Can I have the rings please?” I looked over and saw Morgan and Wendy. Oh well, maybe it could happen tonight. Who knows?
CSI DREAMLAND
It may seem like a blessing to save yourself for the right person. But sometimes it turns into a curse. For the other party.
