by Julian Clary
Contents
Cover
Copyright
More Books
Dedication
Title Page
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Mr Bold's Jokes
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Version 1.0
Epub ISBN 9781787611283
First published in Great Britain in 2018 by
Andersen Press Ltd,
20 Vauxhall Bridge Road, London SWIV 2SA
www.andersenpress.co.uk
Text Copyright © Julian Clary, 2018
Illustration Copyright © David Roberts, 2018
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.
The rights of Julian Clary and David Roberts to be identified as the author and Illustrator of this work have been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data available
ISBN 978 1 78344 630 8
Look out for other books
by Julian Clary & David Roberts:
The Bolds
The Bolds to the Rescue
The Bolds on Holiday
The Bolds’ Great Adventure
For Joshua
JC
In memory
of Mickeylove
DR
Have you ever had something go wrong? You were expecting one thing and then something happened and you ended up getting something else completely different? Well I have, and it can be most upsetting. My mother once made a chocolate cake for tea. I took a bite and spat it out. It tasted horrible!
‘Don’t be so silly,’ said my mother, rather crossly. ‘It’s a lovely cake. Eat it!’ But I couldn’t bring myself to. So then she tasted it herself and she couldn’t eat it either. ‘Something has gone wrong,’ she said, pulling a face and gulping down some water to take the awful taste away. Then she looked in the cupboard where she kept the ingredients. Do you know what she’d done? The cocoa powder was in a jar next to the gravy granules and she’d mistakenly picked up the wrong jar. She’d made a gravy cake!
We’ve been laughing about that mix-up ever since. So you see, sometimes something funny happens by mistake. And sometimes what you think is going to be fun turns out to be the least fun thing ever. Confusing, isn’t it? Well that is what this book is about. When things go wrong. Or to be more precise, when things went wrong for the Bolds.
Life was as busy and eventful as ever in the Bolds’ household.
The Bolds, as you probably know, are a family of hyenas living disguised as human beings in a pleasant tree-lined street called Fairfield Road in Teddington. They wear clothes and hats to cover their hyena features and none of their human neighbours have guessed their secret, although they have noticed that the Bolds seem to laugh an awful lot. Being hyenas, they can’t help themselves. They also like to rub their bottoms on tree trunks and bushes to mark their territory, but obviously they can’t do that if anyone is watching.
Fred and Amelia Bold are the parents. Fred works at the Christmas cracker factory, writing the silly jokes, and Amelia makes and sells unusual hats at Teddington market. Their children, twins – Bobby and Betty – are lively and funny and sometimes a bit naughty. They go to the local school and are best friends with a girl called Minnie. Minnie found out about the Bolds’ secret a while ago but has promised to tell no one.
Next door lives Nigel McNumpty who, as it turns out, is a grizzly bear. He was grumpy and lonely until the Bolds moved in, but now he’s practically one of the family. He has become best friends with Uncle Tony, an elderly hyena who the Bolds rescued from a local safari park along with Miranda, a sweet little marmoset monkey.
So that’s everyone. Except it isn’t quite. You see, the Bolds have gained a bit of a reputation for helping other members of the animal world who want to live like humans too. They take in all manner of waifs and strays, teach them how to walk and talk like humans, wear clothes, use a knife and fork and even how to use the toilet. You’d be surprised how many animals there are living amongst us that we fail to notice aren’t humans at all. Bus drivers, teachers, athletes, shop assistants... prime ministers, even. Only yesterday I had a new sofa delivered by two burly ‘men’ wearing overalls. They huffed and puffed and snorted a lot, I noticed. It was only when I spotted their rather moist noses and saw a wisp of steamy sweat rising up in the air from their backs, that I put two and two together. Yes, buffaloes. Brothers, I suspect. I didn’t say anything. Buffaloes can be a bit bad-tempered, and I didn’t want them to start pawing the ground and charging about. (Not with my new carpet and collection of priceless porcelain dolls I’ve collected on my travels over the years.) But you see, I knew. And I knew because I have heard about the Bolds.
It wouldn’t occur to most people to even think that animals were living in our midst, doing all manner of jobs and, it ought to be said, making an invaluable contribution to society. Only those clever people out there who have read the Bolds books will know to look. Won’t we? Have a look around you now. Or if you’re on your own, look out of the window. Or if it’s dark, turn on the TV. There’s one particular newsreader who has all the characteristics of a turtle. Actually, no, don’t do that. Reading is much better for you than watching TV. And there’s nothing much on these days, is there? But next time you’re out and about, see how many ‘people’ you can spot who you suspect are animals in disguise. Your teacher perhaps? The bus driver? Or maybe the lady who works in the sweet shop?
Probably best not to tell them you’ve twigged, though. Just give them a knowing look and tap the side of your nose.
But let’s get on. Where was I? Ah yes, the Bolds’ household. That’s all the permanent residents accounted for. But, as I’ve explained, the Bolds sometimes teach and help animals to make the transition to the human way of life. So when this story begins, there were a few other guests at 41 Fairfield Road whom I really ought to tell you about. The current crop of live-in students at the Bolds’ were a wild boar called Craig, who had trotted all the way to Teddington from a field in Newbury (Craig’s ambition was to start his own brewery selling delicious homemade truffle-flavoured alcohol-free beer); Miss Paulina the otter, who didn’t have a career in mind, but thought she might have a vocation as a nun. And a very noisy, rather argumentative goose called Snappy who would one day make a very good traffic warden.
Let’s get going. Our story begins with a series of mysterious disappearances. Things start to go missing, and what this leads to is a whole heap of trouble for
the Bolds.
One summer’s day, before lunchtime, Bobby Bold decided to make himself a cheese sandwich. He buttered two thick slices of bread, piled some cheese and pickle on one, slapped the other slice on top, cut it in half and put it on a plate.
‘What else?’ he thought. ‘Ah, a nice tomato would be tasty.’ He turned round to get one from a bowl on the other kitchen counter, rinsed it under the tap and turned back to his sandwich. But would you believe it? The sandwich had gone. Vanished. Just a few crumbs left. He blinked at the empty plate, looked to the left and the right in case he’d moved it, looked over to where the tomatoes were, but there was no sign of the cheese sandwich anywhere. Bobby scratched his head and frowned. Had he eaten it and forgotten? His stomach rumbled loudly, so he knew that wasn’t it. He looked around again, even opening the fridge and peering inside, just in case he’d put it there.
Some people might have got cross at this point, but Bobby hardly ever got cross. He wasn’t the type. In fact he smiled.
‘Someone is playing a game with me!’ he said to himself. ‘Very funny!’ He folded his arms and laughed. ‘I know it’s you, Betty!’ he shouted. ‘You can come out now.’ But there was no reply. So he opened all the cupboards, fully expecting to find his cheeky twin sister hiding there, but with no results.
‘Aha!’ he said at last, noticing the back door was open. Bobby wandered into the garden, where Uncle Tony was snoozing in a deckchair and his sister Betty was standing on the patio with her hands on her hips looking crosser than usual.
‘Did you drink my lemonade?’ she accused her brother. ‘I just put it here while I went to get my book and now it’s all gone.’
Bobby gasped. ‘No way. I was inside making a sandwich, which has also disappeared.’
‘Well if it wasn’t you, who was it? The only other person around is Uncle Tony.’ The twins looked over to the elderly hyena, dozing in his chair on the lawn.
‘He certainly loves sandwiches and lemonade,’ agreed Bobby, ‘And he’s got crumbs on his T-shirt,’ he said, getting a little closer.
‘He’s always got crumbs on his T-shirt,’ pointed out Betty, ‘but I’m pretty sure he’s faking that snoring.’
‘Yes, nice one, Tony,’ said Bobby. ‘You had us going there for a minute.’
But Uncle Tony was deaf as a post these days, and didn’t respond. In fact he was snoring quite loudly and appeared to be fast asleep. His mouth was wide open.
‘Ha ha!’ laughed Bobby. ‘He looks so innocent.’ But he was sure Uncle Tony had crept in and taken his sandwich. ‘Let’s see how fast asleep you really are, shall we?’ he chuckled.
‘What are you going to do?’ asked Betty.
‘Wait and see!’ said Bobby, laughing wildly as only a hyena can.
Bobby returned to the kitchen and got a squeezy bottle of mustard from the fridge. He crept back to Uncle Tony, opened the lid, held the mustard upside down over the hyena’s open jaws and squeezed: a big dollop of hot mustard drooped down from the bottle like a giant yellow dewdrop. Bobby gave another gentle squeeze.
The dollop trembled for a second before falling silently into Uncle Tony’s mouth. Then Bobby and Betty darted behind a shrub to watch the fun.
At first nothing happened. Then the snoring stopped abruptly and Uncle Tony’s nose twitched and his mouth slowly closed.
It occurred to Bobby that, for someone pretending to be asleep, Uncle Tony was being very convincing. Oh dear, what if he wasn’t the one who’d stolen the sandwich? But it was too late now...
Suddenly Uncle Tony’s eyes opened. Just a little at first, then wider, wider and WIDER! At the same time, he made a few gentle throat-clearing noises, which quickly gathered momentum until he was coughing and wheezing rather loudly. Eventually a spray of yellow saliva flew across the lawn and poor Uncle Tony staggered out of his deckchair, his eyes streaming and his nose running as he pawed frantically at his mouth, trying to stop the burning taste. Unable to see properly, he ended up on his arthritic knees crawling, choking and gasping all at once, trying to call for help.
From behind their shrub Betty and Bobby could see that this ‘joke’ had not been funny at all and had actually gone dangerously wrong. They rushed out to help.
‘It’s all right, Tony!’ shouted Betty, running to turn on the hosepipe. ‘Open your mouth and I’ll wash it away. Open wide!’ She directed the jet of water into Tony’s open snout but the poor hyena wasn’t expecting that either and hadn’t closed his throat. The water went down the wrong hole and only made matters worse. Now he was coughing and gasping for air too.
Hearing the commotion, Mrs Bold rushed out of the house. ‘What on earth are you doing to Tony?’ she demanded. She grabbed the hose from her daughter and threw it to one side.
‘Tony, Tony!’ she said, putting her arm round him and leading him back to the deckchair. ‘Just stay calm and try to breathe.’
‘W-w-we thought he was playing tricks on us!’ said Bobby lamely. ‘Oh dear. Is he going to be all right?’
‘Get him a glass of water, quickly! And a towel!’ said Mrs Bold. Her children ran into the house to do as they were asked.
Slowly Uncle Tony recovered, but he was soaking wet, bewildered and had rivulets of hot yellow stuff running down his face and chest. Mrs Bold wiped his aged grey fur with her pinny and coaxed him into drinking a few sips of water.
‘There, there,’ she said gently. ‘You’re all right now, Tony. Calm yourself.’
‘Oh my,’ said Tony, his voice shaking. ‘I was having a lovely nap one minute, then suddenly my mouth was on fire, and it felt like I was underwater. What on earth happened to me?’ He peered at Mrs Bold full of bewilderment. ‘Was it a bad dream, Amelia?’
‘I honestly don’t know,’ said Mrs Bold. Then she turned to her sheepish-looking children. ‘Do you two know what happened?’
‘I, well, yes...’ began Betty.
‘We thought he was only pretending to be asleep, that he’d stolen my sandwich and Betty’s drink as a joke, so I, er, I—’
‘You what?’ asked their mother, frowning asshe picked up the half- empty bottle of mustard.
‘Put mustard in his mouth,’ said Bobby awkwardly. ‘It was supposed to be funny. I’m sorry, Tony, really I am.’
‘Well it wasn’t funny, was it?’ said Mrs Bold. ‘In fact it was terribly un-funny. I’m surprised at you, Bobby. I really am. And you, Betty. Doing something that unkind to an elderly family member.’
Uncle Tony looked up at the twins, bleary-eyed and a little confused. ‘You didn’t mean to hurt me. I know you’d never do that. It was a joke that went wrong, that’s all. When I was a pup in the wild I used to think it was great fun to chase my own tail. Then I caught it one day and bit it. Made myself yelp with pain. It wasn’t funny any more and I never did that again. I guess this is a similar thing.’
‘Except the children aren’t living in the wild,’ sniffed Amelia. ‘Although they act like it sometimes.’
Mr Bold suddenly appeared at the back door. ‘What’s going on here? Pups chasing tails? I’ve got a joke about that.’
Why did the pup chase his tail?
He was trying to make ends meet!
Mrs Bold giggled, although she was trying to be cross with the children.
What do you do if a pup eats a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth!
Uncle Tony liked this joke and let out a loud, rather croaky guffaw.
How do you tell the difference between a pup and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail, the other tags a whale!
By now everyone was laughing. The unfortunate incident with the mustard was explained to Mr Bold and then quickly forgotten as the hyenas did what hyenas do best: laughed long and loud until they were all rolling around on their backs on the lawn.
It was some minutes later, during a pause in the hilarity, that a sudden pang of hunger reminded Bobby of something.
‘What I don’t understand, though,’ he said,
sitting up and scratching his head, ‘is where my sandwich went?’
There was a puzzled silence as all of them pondered this cheesy mystery.
‘Well it wasn’t any of us,’ shrugged Mrs Bold. ‘Miranda?’
Uncle Tony shook his head. ‘She’s fast asleep inside my T-shirt.’ Just then a sleepy marmoset monkey popped her head out into the open air.
‘What happen? Me dream me on boat. Big storm. Thunderclaps!’
‘That was me coughing. Sorry!’ said Uncle Tony.
‘Ah, poor Tony!’ squeaked Miranda. ‘You no got coff-coffy?’
‘No, my sweet. Just a, er, misunderstanding involving some hot mustard.’
‘No coff-coffy no more. Nighty nighty!’ said Miranda as she gave a yawn and retreated back inside Uncle Tony’s T-shirt to continue her siesta.
‘Perhaps it was Mr McNumpty who took my sandwich?’ pondered Bobby next, glancing over the fence.
‘No. He’s gone to the library, I believe,’ said his father. ‘He’s heard there’s a book about a bear called Winnie who does a poo somewhere. Something like that anyway.’
‘And frankly, he’s a bit too big to creep in unnoticed and silently snatch your lunch,’ pointed out Mrs Bold.
‘Mind if I go back to sleep?’ asked Tony, his eyes beginning to droop.
‘Of course not, old boy,’ said Mr Bold, giving the elderly hyena a pat on the shoulder. ‘And the children are very sorry for the mustard business, aren’t you?’
The children nodded.
‘All forgotten,’ said Uncle Tony.
What’s huge and grey and sends people to sleep?
A hypno-potamus!
But Uncle Tony didn’t hear the punchline. He was fast asleep.
The Bolds all wandered back into the house.
