by Chris Adrian
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never forget.”
She put her head back on his chest. “I’m sorry I married you while you were sleeping,” she said.
“I’m so glad you did.”
“Me, too,” she said.
“Glad and sorry?” he said.
“Yes,” she said, meaning that it was a nice, durable sort of glad, but she didn’t have to explain that to him. She kissed him again. “Should we?” She shouldn’t even have asked, she knew. She ought to have just taken off her nightshirt, as if it were making her uncomfortable all of a sudden, and then snuggled back up to him.
“Do you want to?”
“Yes,” she said. “But I’m so tired. What if we make out a little?”
“Instead?”
“No. Maybe. Let’s see what happens.”
“If you fall asleep while I’m kissing you, it will hurt my feelings.”
“Well, I won’t do that.”
“All right, then.”
“All right.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
Good night! Jane kept thinking as they kissed in the dark, and, when it seemed certain that they had kissed their way past midnight, Happy anniversary! And though she didn’t fall asleep, her mind wandered in that way it had when she was really exhausted, and a few times she felt like she was falling and startled against him, but she was always careful to shudder, in real pleasure, right away, so Jim wouldn’t know she was wandering the twilight borderland of dreamtime, tethered by his tongue to the waking world. In just another moment she’d either be fast asleep or straddling him.
Everything will be different, she heard. And nothing will change. How nice that we can still do this. She meant the slow drag of tongue over tongue. Neither of them had developed mouth cancer. Or lost their teeth. Neither of them really tasted any different than they ever did before. And, not to compare, but she compared. Don’t look back, she told herself, just be here right now. But she looked back, and she knew that, with no effort at all, she could slip into a dream of their marriage, a kiss without end, all their kisses in one. Hadn’t there been that commercial, once upon a time, in which a bride and groom kissed so long the guests all wandered off and the janitor had to clean around them when he closed up the church? Surely, she had always thought, they would have proceeded to fucking by then. She thought the commercial was for gum. Though maybe it was for a watch.
Who are all you people, anyway? she wanted to ask the crowd, but it would have meant stopping the kiss. What did they come to see? Were they still looking? Were some of them reading the program? Always together, never apart. I won’t ever run away. Maureen had tried to talk Jane into giving the wedding a title like Eternity or Quintessence, but Jane thought that was ridiculous, and Millicent, when she heard about that, said they should call it The Mill on the Floss or Behind the Green Door. But Jane had allowed Maureen to print up the vows, within a filigreed border, on the program, which listed the hymns and poems they’d all spent the last hour singing and speaking together.
How many vows did they need, to make his work? As many as it took to bind posterity to their love as they felt it right now. Jesus, Jim said. It’s like trying to write a constitution. Eighteen was ridiculous, but that was just brainstorming. Nine was still too many—they had to put some faith in the future. Could three be enough? Probably, said Jane. But let’s not count them. Because it was really just one thing they were promising, which was to stay, stay, stay. I want to be together with you always, so I’ll never stay apart from you for long. Though everything will be different, I promise you nothing will change. Every moment of this life, I’ll love you. Even beyond death, I’ll love you.
So very nice, said Maureen, of the whole set of promises, once they were printed up and ready for Jim and Jane to share with a world of strangers, with a church full of people who didn’t matter. So difficult, said her mother, shaking her head, but admiringly, Jane thought. Big promises, said Millicent. Did we get it right? asked Jim, and then he said, I think we got it right. They kissed and they kissed and they kissed. What time is it? Jane asked. Am I awake? Are the people still watching? Somebody was chanting, after all, not very distinctly, but she understood the words: Always together, never apart. I’ll never stay apart from this moment for long. I promise you everything, but everything will change. I’ll love you every moment of this life, but everything will change, even beyond death, and nothing will be different, never apart, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death
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