“No. This has to be some kind of sick joke. Mom! You can't believe this. I don't remember doing any of that! Mom!” I cried. My Mom stood up, turning her back to me. I watched her back shake as she started to sob. Then another Doctor walked in.
“Hi Caroline.” He greeted me. “I am Dr. Morgan. I need to ask you a few questions.”
“Ok..” I said hesitantly.
“ Do you remember anything about the attack yesterday?” He asked.
“No. I didn't do this! Please! What is going on?” I couldn't believe this. I hated Malorie, sure, but I could never attack someone like this. This was absurd.
“I'm sorry to say Caroline that you did indeed attack that girl. Thankfully there wasn't any serious damage. Now, have you been hearing voices Caroline? Please be honest.”
The color drained from my face. Why was he asking me this? How did he….Lacey. This is what she was apologizing for. She had told them about the voice.
“I need you to answer Caroline.” He persisted.
I looked at him and my eyes narrowed. “I am not crazy. “ I said.
“That's not an answer Caroline. Have you been hearing voices?”
“ It's not voices. It's just one voice” I blurted, instantly regretting it. My Mother gasped. The Doctor started to take notes.
“What did the voice say? When did you first hear it?” He asked.
I hung my head nervous to say more.
“I only heard it the last few days. Only when I was…..upset.”
“What did it say?” He insisted.
“It… it…. Look. I…” Oh God. This was bad. How could I tell him what it said? This was so bad. Why was this happening??
“Was the voice encouraging you to violence?” He asked. I threw my head back realizing how screwed I was. Lacey had clearly told them everything. They just wanted me to confirm it. This was so bad.
A tear slipped down my cheek as I nodded to the Doctor, unable to say the words.
“Ok.” He said. “Thank you Caroline” He stepped away and went to my Mother and asked her to talk outside of the room.
They went out into the hallway but I could still hear a word here or there. I heard the word “disturbed”. I heard “possible schizophrenia” and I heard my Mother start to sob as I heard the word “committed”. No way! They couldn't. She couldn't let them. My Mom came back in the room still crying.
“Mom. No! Please No?! Please Mom! I'm not crazy. Don't let them do this, Mommy! Please! I cried.
“Carrie honey, it's for the best. The Doctor says you need help honey. The Andrews also agreed not to press charges as long as you are treated.This is what needs to happen. “
“No!!” I screamed. And heard the voice again “They aren't taking us without a fight” it said.
“Caroline, please” my Mom pleaded.
“No. I won't let you do this!” I screamed. I started pulling at my restraints.
“Caroline! Stop!” My mother shouted.
I felt my arms grow stronger and a power seemed to flow through me as I pulled again and was able to get my right arm free. Just then the Dr. rushed in, having heard the commotion. Before I could free my other arm I was being held down by the Dr and nurses. They injected me with something and suddenly everything went black.
Chapter 4
It's been nearly 3 years since I was committed. I wish I could say I had been released and was back to normal life but that isn't my story. Not yet at least.
When they first committed me, I had to be heavily sedated for a while. I was too scared and when I realized where I was and I would panic and start fighting or screaming. My memory is a bit fuzzy during this time but my parents came to visit me once during this time. But even in my sedated state I was angry at them for allowing me to be locked up like this. I just sat and glared at them refusing to say a word.
At some point, I grew sick of being constantly drugged and decided to stop fighting. I started cooperating with the psychologist. I was honest with him, hoping he could help rid me of this voice. I told him everything. Everything the voice had said. In the end, it earned me medication after medication to try and to inevitably fail. I was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia and I had started to believe I was actually crazy.
The voice never went away. Sometimes it was my only company. A lot of the people here were much further gone than I was. Full on crazy. Occasionally, someone would be here for other reasons, like being suicidal, but to them I was the crazy person. I was lonely here. I longed for my life back.
After 2 years of treatment, I lost hope of any amount of medication making the voice go away. I was tired of being here. Trying to cooperate and trusting the therapy had got me no where. So I started pretending the voice was gone. Sometimes it was hard to do. When I was angry, I had to work really hard to maintain control. Heightened emotions triggered the voice. The more emotional I was, the louder the voice was. So I learned to control my emotions more and more.
My parents had visited a few more times in my first year here. When I got past the anger, I struggled with despair at times. I could tell seeing me like this was hurting them. When I was trying all the different meds, I would be so out of it I would struggle to talk without drooling on myself. It must have become too much for them because eventually they stopped visiting all together. When I tried to call them, they stopped answering. I had recently tried to call them, to tell them I would be released soon, only to realize they had changed their number. They had written me off. I no longer mattered to them.
Lacey sometimes visited but it had been a while. She had graduated and gone off to college out of state. At first she expressed a lot of remorse for sharing my secret with my parents and the doctors. I wanted to be angry at her but if she hadn't told them, I probably would have been hit with assault charges instead. Still, I doubt my punishment would have been this severe. 3 years was a long time to be away for beating up a girl who probably deserved it anyways.
At least it would all be over soon, I told myself. I was getting out next week. Just a few weeks before my 21st birthday. I had convinced them that the newest medication was the big breakthrough and the voice was gone. I couldn't wait to be out of here.
In recent weeks, I had made a new friend. Ashley was here originally on a suicide watch but she had other issues too. She was a cutter. She told me her father had abused her when she was young. He had been a drunk. He would come home wasted and would either beat her Mother or sexually abuse her. Her Mother was terrified of him and had turned a blind eye to what he was doing. The one time she did object, he beat her so bad she didn't come out of her room for a week. When he died in a car accident, Ashley had been happy to be free of the abuse. She thought her Mom and her would get a fresh start and for a while it seemed like she was right. But then her Mother met Frank. Frank was more manipulative than her Father had been. He still abused them both but constantly made them feel as if they deserved it. He told Ashley she was trash. Tainted goods. No one would ever want her. After a while she started to believe him. That was when she started cutting herself she said. She just needed to feel something. Her depression was so bad at this point that she mostly just felt numb. Sometime later she made her first suicide attempt.
Ashley's story broke my heart. She had been through so much. She was much younger than me, only 17. I felt myself growing protective of her as our friendship grew. I was worried for her though. What would happen when she got out? Since she was still a minor, she'd probably have to return to that house. It was something I couldn't think about too often. Thinking about my friend being hurt again would enrage me, and of course that would trigger the voice. I had to keep control, I told myself.
I was only a few days from getting out of here. I couldn't have been happier about that. I would have to leave Ashley behind when I left. She wasn't ready to leave yet. So I decided to try and spend as much time as I could with her until it was my time to leave. I made my way out to the common area to find her and she was there. She smiled
when she saw me. I sat down beside her. The tv was on but there was never anything interesting. They wouldn't allow us to watch anything that was violent or could be upsetting. So normally it was just reruns of old tv shows.
“Ashley” I started to say “when you get out of here and turn 18, would you want to live together? We could be roommates?” I asked.
Ashley's eyes lit up and I knew asking her had been the right thing. I had thought if we planned this it would give her some hope. That when she got out, she wouldn't have to stay at her Mother's for long. She could leave as soon as she was 18.
“Yes! That sounds great Carrie!” She said enthusiastically. “I'm not sure when I'll get out but, yes!” I smiled.
“I'm sure it won't be long Ash! But once I get out I can start getting set up. Find a job, get a place.” I had to start from nothing. That was going to be the hard part. I had no where to go once I got out. My family didn't want me, I couldn't stay with them. I wasn't even sure if they still lived in our old house. It was going to be really hard at first but I knew I could do it.
Suddenly something caught my eye on Ashley's arm.
“What is this?” I asked, seeing 3 fresh cuts . Ashley started trying to hide them. “Ash, you're cutting again?” I was so concerned. I thought she was getting better. I hated to think of her hurting herself again.
“I...uh..no...I” she stammered “Carrie, I didn't do it this time.” She whispered. I was shocked. She had always admitted it to me before so I couldn't see why she would be dishonest now. But that meant someone else was doing this to her. I could feel the rage inside me starting to build and had to swallow it down.
“Then who did?” I asked. “Because they're going to die” the voice interjected. I ignored it and focused on Ashley.
Ashley looked around, making sure no one was listening. “Have you met the new nurse?” She asked. I shook my head.
“He just started. His name is Paul. He's actually kinda cute. He's been sneaking me cigarettes and little hostess snacks. But yesterday we were hanging out and he was asking me about my cuts. He was curious and wanted to see them. I showed him. He asked me if it hurt and I said not really. So… he wanted to see how it couldn't hurt. So he asked if he could cut me. I said no at first. But he reminded me that I did owe him for all the freebies so I gave in. I thought he was gonna only do it once though.” I sat there numb with shock. He cut her? A nurse?
“Ashley! What the hell?” She let him? I was shocked and angry. This guy was definitely some kind of predator and he was preying on my friend. Leave it to Ashley to think this was her friend. She was so used to abusive relationships, she couldn't see this was one.
“Carrie, please don't tell anyone. He said he's gonna bring me some more snacks and stuff today. He's my friend.” I rolled my eyes.
“Ashley, he's not your friend. Friends don't hurt you like that.”
“You just don't understand Carrie. Just promise you won't say anything.”
I looked at her trying to decide if I would. I couldn't be ok with this. But if I told it would get Ashley in trouble.
“I won't say anything this time Ashley but if he does it again, then I'm not promising anything.”
Chapter 5
The next day I waited for Ashley in the common room. I had barely slept last night thinking of what was happening with the new nurse. I was so worried Ashley was going to get seriously hurt. Worse still, if she reported what he was doing, they probably wouldn't believe her. He had cut her in the same spots she had previously cut herself. The staff would think she was simply self harming again.
When Ashley finally came out she was walking with a young male nurse. This must be the guy. What did she say his name was? Oh yeah, Paul. I got up and made my way over to Ashley. She was clearly flirting with Paul who had to be in his mid-twenties. Far too old to be messing with a 17 year old girl. He was attractive as Ashley had said. He had slightly curly hair that was sandy in color. He was tan and fit. About 6 feet tall. But I hated him on sight and so did the voice. “Look at her again and I'll gouge your eyes out” the voice chimed. For once, we were in agreement.
“Hey Ashley!” I said, ignoring Paul.
“Hey Carrie! Have you met the new nurse Paul?” Ashley looked excited to introduce me to him. All I wanted to do was scream at him to leave Ashley alone.
“No, I haven't. Hi Paul. Nice to meet you.” I plastered on my best fake smile thankful he didn't try for a handshake. Paul looked at me clearly sizing me up and smiled as well. But when we made eye contact, I was taken aback. Paul had dark brown eyes. So dark they were almost black. If eyes were the window to the soul it was clear Paul's was a dark soul. It wasn't just the color. His eyes were cold. Something about Paul made me seriously uncomfortable.
“Ashley, do you want to sit with me?” I asked, wanting to steer her away from Paul. Ashley looked at Paul, almost as if she was asking permission.
“I'd better get back to work anyways. Nice to meet you Carrie.” He said. His words sent shivers down my spine. I didn't know why. What he said was innocent enough but I felt like there was something behind those words.
Once Paul was gone, Ashley turned to me.
“Isn't he hot Carrie!?” She asked excitedly.
“ He's too old for you Ashley.” I said.
“Oh, he's only 26.” She said.
“You're only 17 Ashley. He shouldn't be flirting with you.” I replied.
“We're just friends Carrie. It's fine.”
“It's not appropriate Ashley. He works here.”
“Can we just talk about something else. Paul is cool, ok.” I realized this wasn't getting anywhere and decided to drop it for the moment.
Ashley and I talked and visited for a while. When Ashley's favorite game show came on, she got excited and clapped. That's when I saw the two new cuts on her arm.
I grabbed her arm “Ashley, what the hell!?” I hissed in harsh tones. “You let him do this to you again!?” Ashley blushed and quickly covered her arm.
“He didn't do it this time. He… he gave me an Ipod Carrie. An Ipod! I'm telling you, Paul is cool.”
“ You cut yourself and he gave you an Ipod. Bullshit. What did you do, or let him do, to get the Ipod?” I questioned her.
”Shhhh...nothing. Ok. He just wanted to watch me do it. Just wanted to see me do the cut myself. It's not a big deal Carrie. I've done it enough times on my own.” I was shocked and oh so angry. My hands started to shake and I knew I had to be careful not to lose control.
“He's a predator Ashley! He's abusing you. Just like your Dad and Step Dad. And you're letting him.” I couldn't believe she was going along with this.
“Oh, you're just jealous” she whispered. “You're jealous that a cute guy is giving me attention. Just leave us alone Carrie. You don't know what you're talking about.”
“ I'm going to report him.” I stated.
Ashley's eyes grew wide. Now I had her attention. “Do it Carrie and I'll say I cut myself and you're just crazy. Just leave me the hell alone.” She hissed as she stormed off.
Shit. I hadn't meant to let things escalate like this. I just wanted Ashley to wake up. I sat there for a minute to calm down before I decided to go back to my room. When I stood up the first thing I saw was Paul standing across the room and his black eyes were zeroed in on me. I gave him a quick glare before I walked away.
I sat in my room for a while trying to decide what to do. Reporting Paul seemed like the right thing to do but I was pretty sure Ashley would hate me if I did. Not only that but I wasn't sure anyone would believe me. If Ashley lied, then it was my word against hers and Pauls. I was so conflicted and wasn't sure what I should do. I sat there until sunset, not even realizing I had missed dinner until I heard a knock at the door.
I figured it was just someone coming to check on me and didn't even turn around as they came in. But after the door closed I heard another noise, the click of a lock. Why would they lock the door I thought as I spun around.
&nb
sp; Standing in the door way was Paul and he did not look pleased. Oh shit. This wasn't good. Paul looked at me and his eyes narrowed.
“So, I hear you've been making threats.” He stated in a strangely chipper voice. I sat there stunned. Not sure what to do.
“Do you really think anyone's going to believe you? You!? You're crazy. I've read your file. Freaking schizo. Attacking people, hearing voices. Now you're trying to fill Ashley's head with all these crazy thoughts.”
He inched closer with every word while I sat there frozen in place. I was horrified and I was frightened. I didn't know what Paul was planning on doing.
Finally I found my voice. “What you're doing to Ashley is wrong and you know it! She's just a kid.” I said.
“She's old enough. Stay out of it or else. This is the only warning you're going to get!” he spat. I wished in this moment I had a roommate. All the rooms had double beds but at the moment the other bed in my room was vacant. It was just Paul and I.
“Leave her alone. I don't care if you paint me as crazy. If you touch her again, I'm going to report it.” I said squaring my shoulders. I had to stand up for Ashley. Someone had to.
Paul looked at me and a sick smile spread across his face. “I gave you a chance. Now you're just asking for it.” He said.
My heart started to race. What was he going to do? I braced myself expecting him to become violent. But he slowly made his way over to me seeming to enjoy my nervous state.
As he neared the bed, I stood up. Feeling at a disadvantage sitting down. He now had me cornered between the bed and the wall.
“Paul, I don't know what you're planning on doing but it's only going to get you into more trouble. Please just leave!” I begged. Paul smiled his sadistic smile again. Shit.
“Maybe I chose the wrong girl. I figured Ashley was young, had Daddy issues and would be easy to manipulate. I was right. But you, hmmm, you're quite the tasty morsel. You want me to leave Ashley alone? What can you give me in return?” He asked inching closer. He started to lick his lips and I realized what he was asking.
The Journey To Become The Perfect Werewolf Page 2
