Silently, he moved across the living-room floor, the threadbare carpet barely muffling his movements. He heard the door open, the squeak that always seem to freeze his thoughts, chill his blood. He couldn’t move. The coward in him stood there, afraid to look over. Oh, God, not tonight. Not fucking tonight. He couldn’t take another man’s hand on him.
“You finally made it home, you bastard.” The deep smoker’s voice his mother had developed lately was getting worse. The twenty-eight-year-old sounded at least fifty.
He said nothing, could think of nothing to say as she approached him.
“You have a job to do.”
Those few words caused terror to well up, his throat closing up as she grabbed his shirt sleeve. She dragged him and that wasn’t easy. He was skinny, but she was a fucking crackwhore who rarely ate anything but junk food. Still, he could do nothing, say nothing, because the truth was, it would make it worse.
“I owe him a lot of money, so don’t cause any problems.”
She opened the door to her bedroom and shoved him inside, plunging him into darkness.
Evan bolted out of bed, his heart pounding against his chest, his body slick with sweat. Terror still held him by the balls.
“Evan?”
May’s soft voice felt like nails against a chalkboard. Jesus, he didn’t need her right now, to let her know the darkness he held at bay most days had returned to him tonight. It wasn’t any worse or better than the thousands of times he’d had the dream before, but it was somehow more difficult with this woman beside him.
“It’s nothing, bad dream.”
She placed one of her small hands on his forearm and caressed him. Bile rose up in his throat. After having that dream, the memory of his mother still sharp on his mind, having her touch him shamed him…disgusted him.
“Are you sure you’re all right? I always feel better talking about it.”
“I can’t remember it. Go back to sleep.”
He immediately regretted his harsh tone. Her hand slipped away and she moved over to the other side of the bed. With a sigh, he shook off the dream, pushed aside the putrid memories and snuggled up to her.
“I’m sorry. It just jolted me and left me in a nasty mood.”
She opened her arms to him, pulled him close and he felt the warmth of her affection surrounded him. A soft comfort filled him, relaxed his muscles and he again drifted asleep. This time the dreams stayed away.
May lay there for a long time, her arms wrapped around him, her mind drawing conclusions her heart just did not want her to make.
Chapter Seventeen
Sun peeked through the slit in the curtains as May watched Evan dress. She wasn’t sure what she was going to say, but she was going to confront this head on. This wasn’t the best time, in fact it was probably the worst. But she couldn’t wait. She knew something was wrong. The man she loved was holding things back from her. She had told him everything in her painful past, how she had come to realize she needed to be a sub. Evan…he had held back. Worse, after that dream last night, she was sure he was hiding even more from her.
“What was that dream about last night?”
He paused in pulling on his shirt, then tugged it all the way down. He glanced at her. “I told you it was nothing.”
“You said you didn’t remember. I don’t believe you.”
He didn’t look at her. “Let it alone, May.”
His cold tone stabbed her heart, but she forged ahead.
“You don’t tell me anything.”
This time he stared at her, the gentle lover from the night before gone.
“I said to let it alone. Why is this important?”
She drew her legs up to her chest, trying to warm herself. “I’m not even talking about the dream. I’m talking about you. You barely share anything with me.”
He frowned at her. “Are we going to have a you-don’t-talk-to-me talk?”
His glibness hurt, but she blinked back the tears. She didn’t want him to think she was a raving baby. She had a right to know about him, know about how he became a Dom. She knew that if they had not become lovers, she would not have that right. But now that they were lovers, she felt he should tell her. He was cheating her by not sharing.
“No. What I mean is you asked me to share with you, to tell you about how I realized I was a sub. You on the other hand brushed off my questions with a slick response.”
“I was being truthful.”
“I wish I could believe it.”
He said nothing for long moments. His only reaction to her statement was his jaw muscle working, telling her he was grinding his teeth.
“I don’t understand why it is so important to you.”
“I give you everything. I told you last night that I loved you. But you give me nothing in return.”
“Are you expecting me to tell you that I love you?”
She shook her head, sadness and anger almost choking her. “That is how pathetic I am, I don’t even expect that. But I do expect something else. You hold things back from me all the time.”
“Excuse me if I can’t pour out my soul in between giving you orgasms.”
She flinched. “Well, I guess that put me in my place.”
She slipped out of bed and pulled on her robe.
“May.” His voice had softened. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
She turned and stared at him. “I want to know if you are in this for fun…or if you want more?”
Something akin to panic washed over his face. “Is this an ultimatum?”
She shook her head. “No. But I do need to know where we stand, to understand just what I should expect from you and this relationship.”
“I just thought…”
Apparently, he noticed her hard look and stopped short of saying it was all about sex. He could say it was all he wanted, she knew it wasn’t true.
“So, you’re dumping me,” he said, his voice even more remote.
“No. But I do need some time, a day or two.”
She closed her eyes trying to stem the tears that threatened to spill.
“Sounds more like you’re dumping me.”
She shoved a hand through her hair and opened her eyes to look at him. He looked so confused and dejected that the need to comfort him almost overwhelmed her. But that would get them nowhere.
“I’m not. I promise. With the restaurant…everything else, it’s been crazy.”
He shrugged and looked away. She knew at that moment she was losing him, losing what little chance they had together. Even as she felt her heart tearing in two, she knew she could not help it.
“I’ve got to go home and shower, then be back here to work on the lanai.”
She nodded. He stepped toward her, hesitated, then turned in the direction of the door. With one last fleeting look, he slipped out, shutting the door with an almost silent click. The moment it did, she released a sigh and scrubbed her hands over her face. That had been worse than she had expected. The cold reaction…that had been worse than anger. But she didn’t know what else to do. After his nightmare the night before, she had lain awake, thinking, knowing that she loved him. She thought he might love her, knew that he had the capacity. Something held him back, something dark and evil. She had felt him shivering in that dream, heard his anguished cry when he’d woken up. Something had happened in his past that made him the way he was.
She dropped onto her bed and rested her head in her hands. May had thought she could live this way, being the only one in love…at least for awhile. But the way he had loved her last night, so tenderly, so passionately, she wasn’t sure she could go back to brick walls. She wanted that every time they were together, the openness, the loving. It made her yearn for things she could not have, and she needed to decide if she could live this way and hope for change, or cut bait and run.
She threw herself back on the bed with a grunt. The one thing that worried her was that she wouldn’t be able to let him go.
&n
bsp; The buzzing of his doorbell jolted Evan awake, but only for a second. The bright Hawaiian sun was piercing his eyes and his stomach threatened to evacuate the alcohol he’d drunk in the last twenty-four hours. He felt his body float, his mind drift…then the jangle of keys brought him back.
“Evan?” Micah called.
“Sweet baby Jesus.” It sounded as if he were using a bullhorn. Footsteps pounded down the hall, then he heard a sigh.
“What the hell happened to you?”
Still drunk off his last whiskey binge, Evan only had enough energy to voice his feelings with a finger.
“Good God, it smells in here. What’ve you been doing for the last day and a half?”
Fuck. Micah wouldn’t let it go. If Evan didn’t tell him something, his friend would keep yelling at him.
“I needed to let loose.”
He sensed his friend squatting next to the bed. Micah lifted one of Evan’s lids. Bright light seared his eyeball again.
“Fuck!”
Micah chuckled. “From the smell of the whiskey, and given the fact I know you too well, I’d think saying the word is as close as you’re going to get to that particular activity. Damn, boy, brush your teeth and get some damned mouthwash.”
“Could you please stop fucking yelling?”
Another chuckle. “Come on, Chambers, time to face the piper.”
Micah wrapped his fingers around Evan’s upper arm and yanked him out of bed. The world tilted, his stomach roiled, and all of the sudden he didn’t need Micah’s help out of bed. He ran to the bathroom, losing most of the last bout of drinking into the toilet.
After he was finished, Micah said, “I’m going to clean up this mess. You take a shower and get your ass out here.”
He glared at his friend. “I don’t take orders from the likes of you, Micah.”
Micah frowned at him. “You know what, Chambers? You’re an ass. Take a shower and be sure to brush your teeth and for God’s sake, get some clothes on.”
Micah slammed the bathroom door, sending a shaft of pain lancing through Evan’s brain. Knowing there was no way around it, he pulled himself up off the bathroom floor and decided to do as ordered.
Ten minutes later, Evan was feeling a little steadier, if not one hundred percent, as he walked slowly down the hall. Thankfully, his friend had taken pity on him and shut all the blinds and had the kitchen lights on dim.
He shuffled over to the kitchen table where Micah had placed a glass of water and some aspirin.
“You look better,” he tossed over his shoulder.
“Fuck you.”
“No, thanks. You’re not my type.”
Irritated, Evan lapsed into silence as he sipped his water after downing the aspirin. Micah brought over toast and set it in front of him.
“Eat. I have coffee brewing.”
Evan sneered. “Well, aren’t you little Miss Susie Homemaker.”
Micah said nothing, and Evan knew he wouldn’t. Years together had taught him that Micah had a wealth of patience. That just pissed him off more.
Instead of fighting though, Evan tore off a piece of toast and chewed it. Micah silently poured two mugs of coffee and then brought them to the table. After sitting, he did nothing but blow on his coffee, take a sip and stare at Evan.
Uncomfortable with the speculation in Micah’s eyes, Evan looked away.
“You going to tell me?”
“What’s there to tell? I had a few drinks.”
“A few drinks? Really? It looks more like a few bottles, and probably since yesterday morning. You called in sick yesterday, then didn’t call today.”
He gave Micah the stink eye. “I don’t work for you.”
Micah grunted. “If so I would have fired your ass.”
“Then what the hell are you doing here?”
“Because Jerry—you remember him, right, he’s the supervisor at the business you’ve been ignoring for a day—called me this morning. I had to drag my own ass out of bed, and away from a particularly delicious morsel of a woman, to drag your drunken butt out of bed.”
“I didn’t ask you.”
Micah sighed. “Shut the fuck up. You might not care, but the people working for you do. They hadn’t heard from you and your secretary was worried you were dead.”
Evan said nothing.
“I called them to tell them you were alive—sick—but still alive. So tell me.”
“I said—”
“I know what you said. It’s a load of bullshit. Son, I’ve known you for too long. You don’t drink to get drunk. You drink for enjoyment. You don’t let yourself lose control.”
Evan didn’t want to talk about it, not with the raw feeling of abandonment still scratching his heart.
“I take it this has to do with May.”
Evan looked at him, saw the sympathy in his gaze and looked away.
“What happened?”
“Nothing. She wanted more, I didn’t.”
“And you decided to crawl up into a bottle of whiskey to celebrate.” Micah shook his head. “Not buying it.”
“I had the dream while I was at her house for the night.”
Micah studied him. “So?”
“So?”
Micah shrugged. “I expected you had it on a regular basis.”
“I’d fought it for the last few years.”
“But let me guess. Lately, it’s been popping up.”
Evan nodded and decided to start on the second piece of toast now that he knew his stomach wouldn’t get rid of the first piece he’d eaten.
“What did May want from you?”
“She wanted to know about the dream, then the next morning she pushed. Gave me an ultimatum.”
“That being, marry me or I’ll dump you.”
“No. She just wanted to know what was going on with me. I guess she wanted me to tell her that I love her.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He shot Micah a dirty look. “I don’t love her.”
Micah snorted and crossed his massive arms over his chest.
“Seriously? You keep telling yourself that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since Chris hired her, you’ve been smitten.”
Evan frowned. “I don’t get smitten.”
“God, you’re such an ass. You have been intrigued by her, and until you knew for sure that she was a sub, you could tell yourself she was off limits. That changed the night of her submission. You couldn’t even play at the club with Susan that night, and don’t tell me you just weren’t in the mood. You couldn’t because you needed May. She was the only one you wanted.”
“I can’t have her. I can’t have children.”
“You’ve been tested?”
Evan frowned. “No. What do you mean?”
“Oh, so this is the same old bullshit about tainted blood?”
“I can’t escape the fact that I have my mother’s blood in me.”
“Yeah, and so what? So you had a lousy mother. Join the crowd. Yours sold you to pedophiles so she could make money for drugs. Get over it.”
“Gee, Dr. Phil, you’re such a good therapist. Your gentle understanding just overwhelms me.”
“Listen, you had a fucked-up mother. Your childhood sucked, but you survived. I was left at a truck stop when I was five because my mother wanted a night out on the town. We both had sucky childhoods. But I thought you’d moved beyond that.”
“I have.”
Micah’s eyes narrowed as he leaned closer. “Then why are you letting that bitch win?”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“You know, the last thing I remember about my own bitch of a mother was the way she told me she needed time away from me. ‘So long, kid.’ That woman had no right to be a mother, but her blood, along with the blood of a fucking wife-beating bastard mingles with my own. I refuse to let her win. So she didn’t want to be a mother and left me with strangers. Fuck her. I refuse to let her be that important. Y
ou need to ask yourself if your crackwhore mother is more important than May?”
“Shit.”
“I know you know you love her. It is written all there on your face. She’s worth it. Don’t you want to fight every obstacle to have May with you? If I were you, I would.”
Micah’s earnest expression and his quiet, determined words started cracking through some of Evan’s desolation. Everything Micah said made sense, in some strange way. Hope seeped through the depression he’d been mired in the last day. Could it be that he had a chance with May? Could they actually work at having that happily ever after?
“Ah, I see the light is coming on.”
He looked up at Micah. “Thanks.”
“Well, I fed you, cleaned up the mess in here. I’m leaving that disgusting bedroom to you.”
“Can you do me a favor?”
“Earth to Chambers. I already did.”
“No, could you follow May home tonight? Her brother had something, a date or something, and I had told him I would.”
“I thought we solved this problem. You love her, she loves you. Done.”
“Yeah, but I need to give her time. She asked for it, and I need to respect that.”
Micah did another eye roll as he stood and walked to the door. “Take some more advice from Dr. Micah. Don’t give women too much time to think. It never ends up good for either of you.”
He shut the door and Evan smiled. He would give her a day or two, then he would go to her. He just had to give her that time, and then everything would work out.
Chapter Eighteen
May was locking the door behind a couple of customers when she noticed Micah striding toward the front of the restaurant. For a moment, she couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea that he was there and staring at her as if there were something wrong. Then she realized he expected her to open the door. She unlocked it and opened it a crack.
“We’re already closed.”
He smiled. “I’ve been sent to follow you home.”
“Sent?”
A Little Harmless Obsession Page 17
