“What weren’t you honest about?” She pushed.
“I fell in love with you, Grace. So hard. And after you left, I was broken. I kept telling myself I’d get over you. But I didn’t. I spent two years wanting you, needing you. And only you.”
“I’m sure you had ways to distract yourself,” she said with a roll of her eyes.
“No.” He padded his thumb over her lip, his smile so sweetly distracting that her heart turned. “Why do you think I undressed you within minutes of seeing you again. For two years I’d fantasised about being with you. Only you.”
“You actually expect me to believe there was no one else for you?”
“It’s the truth. I loved you, Grace. Why would I look for someone else when I knew no one would ever match what I felt for you?”
Grace swallowed, his words strange and pointy in her mind. She couldn’t quite believe them to be true.
“I was so angry with you,” he said with a shake of his head. “But really, I was angry at myself. I’d been arrogant and I’d lost you because of it. I should never have let you leave Rome.”
“You couldn’t have kept me here against my will,” she pointed out stiltedly.
“You wanted to be here, though. Didn’t you?”
Grace pulled her face out of his hands, her breathing uneven. She stared out at the city and shook her head. “I can’t explain how I felt about Steve. I owed him so much. I don’t know if I could have stayed here and been happy. I never wanted to let him down.”
“I know that. And Grace? That’s okay, too. It’s okay that you loved him, that you love me. Life isn’t perfect black and white lines of order and ease.”
Tears tipped out of her eyes, smudging down her cheeks. “I loved him, but it was never like this.”
“Grace, I want to marry you, but not now, not because of Ben, not because of anything other than us. I don’t deserve to marry you yet, so I’m not even going to propose.” She turned her face to his again and he locked his eyes to hers as though a magnet was holding them there. “I don’t deserve you. I’ve taken everything I love about you and crumpled it up. I have crumpled you. I have been so angry, I didn’t realize … I didn’t stop to see that you were right. Right to be afraid of me and how darkly I want to love you. You were grieving your husband’s death, already weakened by that grief, and I pushed you. I have pushed and pushed and pushed and you have wilted before my eyes, and still I pushed. I am the monster here. The mistakes are mine, and I don’t have anything like your justification. I thought … I thought that if I couldn’t have you, if you wouldn’t love me, I would use the fact that you want me to keep you here.”
How could she ignore the effect of his words? Only with great, great difficulty. “I don’t believe you.” She shook her head softly, the statement just a whisper. Yet it resonated around the terrace as though she’d shouted it.
“Of course you don’t,” he agreed, pulling her into his arms and bringing her against his body. “Of course you don’t.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Everyone who should have loved you properly has let you down, myself included. Grace, I don’t want to let you down anymore. Let me try to fix this.” He held her to his chest, wrapping her in a hug. “Let me show you that I mean this. That I’m being honest. Let me show you how I feel.”
Grace dipped her head forward, so that her brow connected with his chest, and she breathed him in, long and deep, inhaling his masculinity and doubts.
“Why are you saying this?”
“Because it’s true. Because I love you as much now as I did then. More. More because I know so much more about you, because I’ve known life without you and I can’t do it again. I was a fool to lose you once. I won’t do it again.” He kissed the top of her head and warmth travelled all the way down her spine, to the tips of her toes.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered, pain in the words. “We both want what’s best for Ben.”
“But I’m losing you anyway,” he insisted. “I’ve watched you withdrawing from me, except when we are in bed together. But sex isn’t enough. I want all of you, Grace. Your heart, soul, secrets, stories. I want you.”
She shook her head against his chest, but could find no words to respond with.
Marco continued unchecked. “We’ve already lost two years. I don’t want to lose any more time. Look at what happened to him. To Steve. Life offers so few guarantees on time… We need to get past this and start living again. Together. You, me, Ben. And Emma.” He laughed softly but Grace couldn’t.
She couldn’t process any of what he was saying.
“I know it’s going to take time for you to accept this. So just give me that. Give me time. Let me show you. Please, Grace. Please.”
“I heard what you said to Will,” she groaned.
“What did I say to Will?”
“That you wouldn’t be able to forgive me for taking Ben away from you. That you … that you wanted to do the same to me.”
He swore softly and nodded. “The thing is, I felt it at the time. God, I almost convinced myself I hated you, Grace. But I wasn’t thinking straight. I forgave you a long time ago; it’s me that I’m angry at. Watching your pain, seeing you pull away from me. God, I want to make you better.”
“No.” She shook away from him, fury in the word. “I’m so sick of being saved! I made this mess, and now I have to clean it up.”
Marco was surprised by her outburst, but he looked across at her, waiting for her to elaborate, knowing he would support her however she needed to be supported. Because that’s what he’d just promised her. He’d promised he’d show her his love, and he intended to start from that moment forward.
She rubbed her hands over the balustrade, her eyes focused on the city beneath them. “You don’t get to apologise, Marco. This was all my fault. The happiest I’ve ever been was when you were angry with me. When you hated me. When you made love to me like you hated me.” She swept her eyes shut. “Because I deserved that, and finally, I was getting what I deserved.”
“God.” Torment filled his soul. “It wasn’t like that. Passion is different to hate.”
“I liked that you hated me. I can make sense of that. Anything else is just another lie. Another fantasy. I’ve spent my whole adult life pretending to be something I’m not. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want you to pretend you care about me. I don’t want us to pretend we’re happy and in love. I like knowing where I stand with you.”
“But you don’t know where you stand, if you think I hate you. Please let me show you.”
“I didn’t buy Aztec because it’s a great company, though it is. As soon as Steve died, I made moves to acquire it. No way in hell was I going to let you go twice. I waited. I didn’t want to pounce too soon after you’d lost him, but Grace? I would have moved heaven and earth to make you mine again. I’m not going to lose you.”
She was shaking from the force of her emotions, but she still didn’t know what to say. “How can you ever forgive me for what I did?” She looked at him now and her eyes were pleading and he understood. She was so close to believing him. He just needed to give her more.
“Because I love you.” He walked towards her and he kissed her gently on the lips, his hands on her hips, holding her close to him. “Because I see you as you really are. Beautiful, kind, smart, funny, but not perfect. No one’s perfect. Your flaws are all a part of what I love about you. I love all of you. You made a mistake, and I know you’ll always wish you’d done it differently. But you didn’t. So? What are we meant to do? Live a lifetime apart because, scared and alone, you chose a course that was obviously safe, before a path that offered so few guarantees? Guarantees I should have offered you but didn’t? We were both at fault here, Grace. But do you know what you did right? What I will always, always be grateful for?”
She sobbed and shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.
“You put our son first. You made sure you gave him a good start in life. You believed I w
ouldn’t be the kind of father he needed…”
“I was wrong,” she groaned, anguished, pained, hurting so damned bad Marco wanted to do whatever he could to erase that hurt.
“You didn’t know that.” He spoke urgently, the words whispered from deep in his gut. “The choice you made at the time was the smart choice. You weren’t doing it to hurt me. You weren’t doing it to make me suffer. This wasn’t bitchy or vindictive. It sure as hell wasn’t selfish. You were doing it because you loved our child. I’m so grateful Ben had you, cara! Wonderful, wonderful you.” He kissed her lips again, parting them softly, showing her again with his touch just how much he loved her. “Selfless, sweet you.”
“Not perfect though,” she reminded him.
“More perfect than most.” He grinned. “Please stay with me. Let me date you, Grace. Let me make love to you like you deserve. And one day, when I think you really believe how much I adore you, how much I’ve forgiven you, how much I understand you and your decisions, let me propose to you again.”
She couldn’t speak for the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.
“Let me offer you the world when you know, beyond a shadow of any doubt, that I will give it to you. That’s the marriage I want to share with you.”
Grace shook her head, her whole body trembling, her fingers shaking, her heart hurting. “I can’t believe it.”
“I have spent two years celibate, because I believed, deep in my heart, that we would make this work. Two years, Grace, when my previous personal best without sex was probably two weeks.” He laughed roughly. “You are the only woman I want. The only woman I’ve ever loved. Let me try to make you believe in me. In us.”
“I…”
“You were right when you said Steve used you. I believe he loved you, but it was a selfish love. He didn’t want anyone else to have you, even though he must have known how you felt about me.” He compressed his lips, biting back the rest of the criticism he wanted to make. “You have never known the kind of love I want to give you. Freely given, simple, cannot-get-enough love. Let me teach you. Let me love you.”
And now, she nodded. “I can’t leave you again, Marco. It nearly killed me the first time.” And because he was staring at her, somewhat dumbfounded, she said, awkwardly. “I did want to tell you. I knew that I should. I called, but I was such a mess and when you…”
“I was a bastard. I wanted to make you pay. Of course, I had no idea about Ben, nor that you were nigh unto marriage.” He winced. “If I could, I would undo that. I would slip back through time and punch myself hard.” His smile was rueful. “But we can’t change the past. So? What do you say? Shall we just make our future count?”
“And our present,” she grinned, tears still wet on her cheeks. “Let’s go to bed.”
His eyes glimmered with amusement, but he shook his head. “Oh, no, Grace. It’s not going to be like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I loved you enough to wait two years. And now I’m going to wait some more. Until I can hold you in my arms, lay you on my bed, and call you my wife.” He kissed the tip of her nose and felt her groan hit his lips.
“But… don’t you think that seems a little unnecessary given that we’ve already had a baby together…”
“I’m old-fashioned. If a little belatedly so.” He winked. “However, would you do the honour of joining me for dinner tomorrow night?”
“Dinner?” She pulled a face. “You can’t be serious.”
“Well, we have to eat…”
“I mean about the no-sex thing.”
“Ah.” He grinned. “I’m aiming for a quick engagement.” He winked and she laughed.
“Like a week?”
“As long as it takes. Because you’re worth the wait.”
EPILOGUE
The song had exactly the same tune, but it sounded entirely different sung in Italian.
Buon compleanno a te, Buon compleanno a te, Buon compleanno cara Gra-ace, Buon compleanno a te!
Grace laughed as Ben clapped his chubby little hands, sturdy and confident now he was three, before Esme lifted a finger to her lips. “Shush!” she whispered and everyone laughed, but Claudia most of all. Claudia who doted on her little daughter, who had been changed completely from the moment they met Esme at the airport and brought her home. They’d become a family – and their happiness was matched only by Grace and Marco’s.
“What’s the matter, mi’amore?”
Grace blinked up at Marco, a small frown pulling at her lips. “What do you mean?”
His finger lifted to the corner of her eye; he dabbed at a single tear that was pooling there. “You’re crying.”
“Oh!” Her smile cracked across her face and she shook her head. Everyone was looking at her and a blush spread across her cheeks. She burst out laughing. “They’re happy tears,” she explained, taking a step towards the cake – a two tier chocolate construction that had been decorated with all of the treats she adored: Reece’s, milk duds, sliced up twinkies – it was beautiful.
She blew out the candles and everyone clapped, even Esme.
“Happy tears are allowed,” Marco grinned, as Claudia swooped in to slice the cake up.
“It’s just,” Grace shook her head. “I never thought I’d be this lucky.” She lifted her palm to his cheek, stroking his stubbled jaw, her eyes dropping to his lips.
He turned his head so he could kiss her fingertips and Grace’s heart tripped.
“You deserve all the happiness in the world,” he said.
Grace’s smile was mysterious. She was so happy, and later, that night, when they were all alone, she was going to tell Marco the secret she’d been holding onto for twelve long weeks. A secret that she’d been waiting for the right moment to tell him – having never had the opportunity to discuss her pregnancy with him the first time around, this time she was going to make sure he was involved every single step of the way.
Just the thought of what they had again, what they were going to share, filled her with a joy and a belief that sometimes, just sometimes, people did get given second chances.
When they really, really deserved them.
He drew her closer to his chest, pulling her a little away from the group, right before Grace could see Emma hand Ben a big, fat slab of chocolate cake that was destined to be squished down the front of the adorable white shirt he wore.
Grace looked down at her wedding ring – a beautiful diamond circlet that ran around her finger – simple and understated as their wedding had been, only two months after their reunion on the balcony. They’d been surrounded by their loved ones, and Grace had felt the truth of that love beaming at her from every pair of eyes that watched her pledge herself to Marco.
Claudia, who had seemed like such a likely adversary, had become a true sister to Grace and she counted her blessings every day.
And suddenly, she didn’t want to wait until later to tell Marco about her pregnancy. She’d waited twelve damned weeks, and sharing her happiness with him was all she wanted for her birthday.
But he spoke first, reaching into the pocket of his jacket and pulling out a small velvet pouch.
“I have something for you.” The words were unexpectedly hoarse. “Only I’m not sure I haven’t completely stuffed up.”
The admission was uncharacteristically self-doubting for Marco Dettori, so Grace was instantly eager to assure him.
“I’m sure you haven’t,” she said with a smile.
He pulled a face, and handed the pouch to her, almost as though he couldn’t wait to get it off his hands. “We’ll see.”
She dipped her fingertips into the bag and pulled out a necklace. No, a pendant. It took her several minutes to understand exactly what she was looking at.
“This is my engagement ring. From Steve.”
He cleared his throat. “I noticed that you just have it sitting in the safe and …” He looked away, a dark flush staining his cheeks. “It didn’t seem right. I thoug
ht you should wear it. Like this.” He ticked his head slightly towards her hands, where she was holding the necklace and staring at it with wonderment.
“I don’t wear it because I don’t want to upset you,” she said.
“It doesn’t.” Marco turned to face her. “How can I feel anything for him but gratitude and sympathy? He saved you, my darling, and I am so glad. And he loved you, with all his heart.” His smile was distracted. “Do you mind?”
Grace stared at her husband and, in that moment, she loved him even more than ever before.
“He was your friend,” Marco mumbled. “We shouldn’t gloss over that. You shouldn’t ever feel that you can’t remember him. Speak to me about him.” He shrugged. “We should remember him. Make sure Ben does too.”
Tears – real tears – sparkled on Grace’s eyelashes now. “You, Mr Dettori, are the most amazing man in the whole universe.”
“The whole universe, huh?” He teased, the words thickened by emotion even though they were delivered in a joking way.
“Uh huh.” She leaned closer, standing up on the tips of her toes and pressing her lips close to his ear. “And you’re going to be a daddy again.”
He froze, his hand curling around her wrist, his face jerking up so he could see the truth of her words in her face. “You’re saying…”
She grinned. “Yes. I’m pregnant.”
Marco wrapped his arms around Grace’s still-slim waist, lifting her against his chest and spinning around, making a whooping noise of happiness. Unbeknownst to them, the party was silent, watching the Dettoris.
Grace and Marco didn’t realise though. In that moment, it was just him, her and the future that shone before them, so bright, so right, and finally, resplendent with their very own happily ever after.
THE END
Following is an excerpt from ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS by CLARE CONNELLY.
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