“Should’ve stopped who?” She wasn’t making any sense, and maybe she wasn’t even talking about what happened today.
She drew a deep, shuddering breath, and something about the way she clung to her control absolutely gutted him. If she’d cried? He’d have been able to handle that. He dealt with a lot of crying, sniveling people in his line of work. Case in point—Tonya.
He had an emotional shield against tears, and it was at the ready whenever he needed it. But this? This woman trying to calm herself through sheer force of will?
It made the human places inside of him—the ones he buried in professional detachment—ache.
“Hey.” He reached for her shoulder. He couldn’t have held his hand back if his life depended on it. “I’m sure you did enough. I’m sure you did all you could.” He had no idea what she’d been referring to, but he damn well knew she wasn’t a woman who gave up.
Giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze, he dipped his head to catch her downcast gaze. “Hey, look at me, Victoria.” She lifted her brown eyes to his face. “You did everything you could.”
She nodded. “I know.”
Oh, screw it. This wasn’t his thing. He didn’t do comforting.
But she was killing him, with her raised chin and her softly spoken I know.
Damn it all to hell.
He was going to have to hug her.
*
She had this. She was in control. Just like she’d practiced with her therapist all those months ago, she focused on calming herself physically by breathing slowly. Then she could focus on calming herself mentally.
She needed a distraction. The human brain couldn’t think about two things at once, and Dr. Haryana had made her practice bringing a serene memory to the forefront of her mind. She’d literally taught Victoria to find her happy place.
Happy place. Happy place. What the fuck was her happy place again?
“Hey.” Jason squeezed her shoulder gently and she pounced on the distraction, concentrating on the warmth of his hand, the solid pressure of his grip. “I’m sure you did enough. I’m sure you did all you could.”
She closed her eyes and kept her focus on his hand and the way he moved his thumb back and forth in a gentle massaging motion.
“Hey, look at me, Victoria.”
She lifted her head, noticing for the first time that his eyes were blue. And not just one shade of blue. The middles were light, like a cloudless summer sky, but the further away from the pupil, the darker they got. Until they were as dark blue as Lake Michigan. His eyes reminded her of running on the beach, her feet sinking into the sand while she devoured the scenery—a horizon of dark blue water, meeting light blue skies.
Well, what do you know? Hello, happy place.
“You did everything you could,” he said.
She inhaled deeply and nodded. “I know.”
He moved closer, closing the distance between them then paused to clear his throat. It was awkward, the way he drew her to him with stiff arms, and she held herself rigid. Mainly because she didn’t want to press any buttons on the radio clipped to his chest. Funny, that she was suddenly capable of noticing details like that.
He shifted slightly, tucking her into his side so the radio wasn’t in the way, and patted her back. She almost laughed—that’s how silly and uncomfortable it felt. But after a moment, she relaxed against him. And the second the tension left her, it left him as well. He held her a little tighter and she brought her arms around him, her hands gripping the fabric of his shirt between his shoulder blades.
“Thank you,” she whispered over his shoulder, suddenly overcome with gratitude for this man who’d helped her regain balance when the world had been spinning away from her. She closed her eyes and a single tear fell from each one. One tear for the men she’d lost in a country far away and another for the firefighter she’d come close to losing today.
She was good at her job. Smart. Competent. Not easily rattled under pressure. But sometimes shit got personal. Sometimes the people hurting were people you knew. People you worked with. People you laughed with.
She’d held it together until the moment she’d finished giving her status update to the doctors and nurses. She’d rattled off Tayshaun’s vitals, given a rundown of visible injuries, and watched them wheel him down the hall and through the doors leading to the OR. Those doors shut and a million emotions she’d held in check flooded her system, forcing her to seek solace alone outside while the others loitered in the waiting room, hoping for updates.
But there was no shame in having emotions. That’s what Dr. Haryana would’ve said. And for once, she felt no shame. There was only acceptance in Jason’s embrace.
In no rush to leave the sanctuary she’d found, she took another deep, cleansing breath, pulling in a swirl of scents. Masculine shampoo. The salty tang of sweat with a hint of clean soap. It was purely male. And making Victoria suddenly aware of him in a very different way.
Confused, she pulled back slightly. There wasn’t much of a height difference between them, and she looked straight into those lake-meets-sky eyes of his.
He brought his hands up to her cheeks and carefully brushed her tears away with the pads of his thumbs. “Better?” he asked, his voice low and husky.
“Better,” she said, bringing her hands to rest on his forearms.
“Good.” He smiled, and Victoria gripped his wrists, not sure if she was holding his hands to her face or readying to pull them away.
Time felt suspended somehow, as if someone had hit pause on the movie of her life in order to point out something very important to her.
She couldn’t look away from those eyes, and unreal as it seemed, they were coming closer. Or she was moving toward them. She couldn’t tell which. Maybe both.
“Yo! Russo, let’s go.” At Flaherty’s loud bark, she broke away from Jason, stepping out of his reach.
Flaherty glared at her with his usual friendliness. Which was to say, no friendliness at all. “We need to get back to the firehouse. Nothing we can do here.”
“Right. I’ll be right there.” Victoria looked back at Jason. “Thank you. I…”
“It was nothing.” He smiled teasingly, taking the tension out of the moment. “You take care, Ms. Toria.”
She grinned. “I will, thanks.”
He gave a two-finger salute and started walking backward toward his squad car. “Oh, and I’m supposed to tell you that Tonya says thank you.”
She nodded and watched him turn and walk away for a few steps before hustling up to her seat in the ambulance. She slammed the door shut and fastened her belt.
When Flaherty still hadn’t started the engine, she looked up at him.
“You’re not going to crack again, are you?” he asked.
“No.” She turned away from his cold, assessing stare and looked out the windshield. “I’m fine now.”
“Good.” He turned the key and the engine cranked to life. “Wouldn’t want to find out you’re the type to cut tail and run the first time shit gets real.”
Her gaze snapped back to Flaherty. “And just what is that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“No, I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?” She wanted him to say it, dammit. Let him just get it all out in the fucking open. She wanted him to finally confirm that he’d heard the rumors that had circulated through the army about her. Rumors that she was a deserter. Rumors that were far worse than that.
Of course, if he did that, what would she do? Waste her breath trying to explain something he’d never believe? No, once people assigned guilt, they rarely changed their minds. Because to do so would be to admit to being wrong. And Mike Flaherty would be the last person to ever admit he was wrong.
So screw him. He wouldn’t be getting any explanations from her. Not today. And not ever.
“You know what? Don’t tell me.” Victoria stared straight ahead. “Just drive.”
Chapter 6
<
br /> “This must be a difficult time for you.” Victoria’s mother leaned against the counter, a puzzled expression on her face as she watched Victoria roll a can of malt extract over her grains to crush them.
Loretta Russo had no interest in the process of brewing beer. If she had, Victoria might’ve told her crushing grains was the best way to release flavors from the grain. But her mother was more concerned with the seating chart she was penciling and erasing names from, so Victoria didn’t waste her breath.
“Difficult? I suppose, but Tayshaun is doing remarkably well.”
“Tayshaun—” Her mother sounded confused. “Oh, yes! Your friend who was injured. Tayshaun Moore. How is he?”
“Good. Doctors expect a full recovery.” Victoria paused in her grain crushing to study her mother. “That wasn’t what you were talking about? When you said this must be a difficult time for me?”
“Well, no…” Her mother fidgeted with the seating chart, turning it this way and that, as if a new angle would help her decide if Grandma and Great Aunt Sophie could be trusted at the same table.
“Then why must this be a difficult time for me?”
“Oh, it’s silly really. Now that I think about it. You do have much bigger things to be concerned with at the moment.”
Victoria raised her eyebrows at her mother and brushed some of the crushed grains off the can. “But?” she prompted, knowing her mother had something on her mind.
“But…I thought it might be difficult for you to stand by while all this wedding planning is going on.” She gestured to the seating chart she’d been fretting over.
Her mother had been obsessed with all things wedding for months now. A little too involved for the mother of the groom as far as Victoria was concerned, but Camille didn’t seem to mind. And while the subject was becoming a bit tiresome, it was hardly difficult for Victoria.
She turned her attention back to preparing her grains for seeping. Grabbing a large cheesecloth bag, she set about scooping the grains into it. “I don’t know why you’d think that. Camille’s practically family already. I’m thrilled she and Tony are making it official.”
“I know, but doesn’t it make you sad?”
“Sad?”
“Because you’re not with anyone?”
“No.” She loved her mother. She did. She really, really did. But sometimes…“Does it make you sad?”
“To be honest, yes. Yes, it does.”
She didn’t really want to hear why, but with no sound other than the scraping of her scoop against the cutting board and the soft swish of grains falling into the bag, the silence was growing awkward.
It seemed Loretta expected some sort of response.
“Why on earth would it make you sad?” Victoria finally asked.
“I worry about you, honey. I want you to be happy and have someone to share your life with. Like your brothers.”
“You do realize I’m the youngest, right? That this is all progressing in the natural order? First Donnie got married, then Vince, then Alex. Now Tony. You shouldn’t be worrying about me until you recover from this wedding.”
“But Tony and Camille have been together forever.”
“So?”
“So, they should’ve been married years ago. Which means my baby girl should be settled now too.”
Victoria set the scoop down. Who in the hell was this woman? “This is highly 1950’s of you, Mother. Really. I expected more from an educated woman. And a card carrying feminist at that.”
“Vicki, you misunderstand. I’m not anxious for you to enter into the institution of marriage. I’m anxious for you to experience a long-term adult relationship.”
“I’ve had adult relationships…” Sort of. Not really.
She’d just never been that interested in toying with a man’s emotions. It seemed pointless to get involved when she’d never felt for anyone the way she felt for Graham.
“But nothing long term,” her mother argued. “I’ve never even met anyone you’ve been involved with.”
Except for Graham, who’d been Tony’s best friend since forever and was practically an honorary member of the family. Her mother had definitely met him. But then it didn’t really count since her mother didn’t know about their occasional flings.
Graham had never been interested in putting labels on their relationship, which had left her with nothing to announce to her family and friends. They all knew she and Graham spent a lot of time together but assumed they were just friends, and when Graham had done nothing to correct that notion, neither had she. In fact, no one really knew, except for Camille. Maybe Tony since Camille told him everything, but Tony would keep it quiet, because Graham was his best friend, and to discuss his best friend with his little sister would no doubt be awkward.
And Tony didn’t do awkward.
“Really? You’ve never met any of my many beaus?” Victoria asked lightly, pulling together the cheesecloth and spinning the bag of grains until she had enough twisted cloth to tie a knot at the top. “I just can’t imagine why not.”
“Victoria.” Pulling out the full-first-name, her mother glared at her. “Sarcasm does not become you.”
Victoria didn’t respond, but instead concentrated on lowering the grains into the large stainless steel brew pot. She let herself get lost in the details. Checking the water temperature, dunking the bag like a tea bag to release more flavor, setting her timer for the seeping. Her mother didn’t understand why Victoria was so enthralled with the beer-making process, but it was this right here. The details. The difficulty. The tasks engaged her brain fully and left no room for unpleasant memories to sneak in. And it took forever. A long drawn out process that served as a sort of meditation for Victoria.
And in this case, a reason not to talk to her mother.
“My concern comes from a place of caring. You know that, right?”
Satisfied that the beer could seep without her help for a moment, she sighed and turned back to her mother. “I know, Mom.”
“Good.”
For all her mother’s faults, she really did care about her children, wanted the best for them, and as frustrating as Victoria found her at times, she knew she was blessed.
“And you know that all I want is for you to be happy, right?”
“Of course. But Mom I am happy.”
“Not as happy as you’d be if you shared your life with someone.”
Staying stubbornly silent, Victoria clenched her teeth until her jaw ached.
Why did everyone think it was impossible to be single and happy? Did she want to be with someone? Sure, of course she did. Specifically, Graham. But did that mean she was a puddle of unhappiness without him? Hell no. She had a life, a fulfilling career, a loving family.
This idea that her life was nothing but a big gaping hole, waiting to be filled by a man—it was insulting.
“I think I know why you’ve never introduced me to anyone you’ve been with.”
Victoria raised her eyebrows. “You do?”
“I do. And I’ve been wanting to tell you for ages, but I didn’t know how to bring it up.”
Of course her mother would’ve figured out the truth—about her unending crush on Graham. The woman was a psychologist after all. As observant as they came.
It was a relief really, the idea of having it all out in the open.
“I should’ve known you would guess, Mom.”
“I just wish you’d confided in me yourself. But I’m willing to put all of that in the past. And to show you that you have nothing but my support, I’ve planned a little something.”
Victoria’s stomach went into a free-fall. “Mom, what did you do?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Just planned a little dinner party. That’s all.”
“And you invited Graham?”
“No. Heavens no. Why would I invite Graham? I thought it should be intimate. Just your father and I. And you. And my friend Susan’s daughter. Cassidy.”
“Cassidy?”
/> “Yes, you will love her, Vicki. She’s finishing medical school—I’ve always said you could go to medical school and be a doctor if only you—”
“I’m sorry…” It was the buzzing in her ears. The rushing sound of heightening blood pressure that must’ve caused her to misunderstand her mother. That was the only explanation. “Are you…are you trying to fix me up with a woman?”
“I don’t know why you have to act so surprised, Vicki. Is it so hard to believe that I would be supportive?”
Unable to stay still, Victoria paced the length of her tiny galley kitchen. “This is unbelievable.” She would laugh about this someday. Surely, she would.
But someday was not today.
“This is un-freaking-believable.”
“What? Did I do something wrong?”
“Did you do something wrong?” Victoria stopped pacing and threw her hands up in exasperation. “Not only are you trying to set me up with a woman, but you’ve arranged for me to be on a double-date. With my parents! What are you trying to do? Win the awkward Olympics? If so, bravo. Perfect tens from all judges.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is. I thought you’d be more comfortable with people you knew there.”
“Well, I’d be more comfortable if Cassidy had a penis, but even then I wouldn’t want my parents there!”
“Are you already in a relationship? Because I can call it off—”
“Mom, I’m not gay!”
“Vicki,” she said patiently. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay.”
“I know that!” She leaned over her kitchen table, gripping the edge as if it were her last hold on sanity. “And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being twenty-eight and single.”
“So you’d rather be alone for the rest of your life than admit you’re gay?”
“Aaaghhh! You’re not listening to me, Mother. I’m not gay.”
“But…”
“But what?”
“But your hair…”
“Is short. So what? I also played softball in college. And joined the army. And went to work in a predominately male field. Are those the puzzle pieces you put together? Is that how you decided I must be a lesbian?” She couldn’t recall a time she’d been angrier. And it wasn’t because her mother thought she was gay. It was because her mother understood her so little. For all the talking and feeling-sharing Loretta had encouraged and wheedled out of her children, she sure hadn’t listened.
Burn for You Page 6
