Surrender to You

by Shawntelle Madison

  “I love you, Coração.” I kissed her again, lingering long enough to hear her sigh. I’d say those words all night until she knew the depth of my love for her. “I’ve always loved you.”

  “I know, Goodfellow. I love you, too.”

  I closed my eyes, content to sleep a bit knowing she’d be there when I woke up.

  —

  After sleeping on the lawn chair for an hour, I carried Carlie back into the penthouse. As nice as the weather was outside, she belonged in my bed.

  After spending the night making love to her, I thought I’d be exhausted in the early morning, but when sunlight began to flood the floor-to-ceiling windows in the room, I stirred, reaching out across the bed. I expected to find the space empty like I usually did.

  She’s still here.

  “Carlie,” I murmured.

  She rolled about and had migrated to the far side of the bed. Even her feet hung off the edge. I gently wrapped my arms around her waist and tugged her back to me. I ran my nose along the back of her head. I was in complete bliss.

  She’d stayed.

  The warmth of her naked body snuggled against mine made touching her too hard to resist. I caressed her hips from the back of her thighs to the front. My fingertips followed the trail along her waist, to the curve of breast, and then her shoulders.

  We spent the day together in bed. Matter of fact, she even called in sick from my bed. We ordered room service and watched an action flick starring Bruce Willis—her favorite.

  What mattered was having her beside me, smiling and carefree—until the day was almost over and she began to get dressed.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “Yes, I have to go check on my mom.”

  “I think you both should move in at the hotel. I could get a nurse for her—”

  “You’re selling the hotel.”

  “Yes, I am, but that shouldn’t matter.”

  “So are you going to drag us around with you from project to project then?”

  “It doesn’t have to be like that, Carlie. I could make sure both of you are comfortable.”

  Her frown deepened. “You know that isn’t the life I want to lead. If I wanted to be a mistress, I would’ve signed up to be one from the get-go after I turned eighteen.”

  “So what are you saying?”

  “I’m quitting my job and I’m going to go stay with Mom.”

  “What about us?” Now I was getting angry even though I didn’t want to.

  “You’re about to leave again, Tomas. We’d drift back to how we were before.”

  I took her hand before she had a chance to take a step back. “No, we wouldn’t. This time is different.”

  “No, it isn’t. We always keep getting pulled apart. You’re selling the hotel and I need to be with my mom so she can recover and we can form a relationship again. How can we do both?”

  “We’ll do it because we love each other.” I pressed my forehead against hers like last night. “Isn’t that enough?”

  “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but what could I say? I’d choose my own mother if she were still alive—and yet, I didn’t want Carlie to leave again. This whole night was probably her way of saying goodbye, and I had to let her be the daughter she’d always wanted to be.

  When Carlie pulled away from me, I let her go and watched her walk away.

  Chapter 25

  Carlie

  Every time Tomas and I parted, I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind. The pain seemed never-ending.

  As painful as that couch I’d slept on.

  The first thing I did to distract myself was buy a new couch for Mom’s house. Mom didn’t complain at all when I left to buy a pullout bed from the local furniture place. The new one was plain beige, but it was as comfy as a cloud.

  I still didn’t sleep well that night, when I crashed after cleaning up a single corner in Mom’s messy bedroom.

  But then I drifted back to the couch only to sit again.

  “I thought I didn’t move all that much,” Mom grumbled.

  “I’m just a little tired.”

  Then I caught her checking out my phone. “Can I help you find something?”

  “Oh, I wanted to see those photos again.”

  So we laughed for a while and talked about the failed attempt to have Rutger Rose be the opening act for a Dire Straits concert. According to Mom, Dire Straits just didn’t recognize their talent.

  Seeing her smiling face made me feel bold for once. “Move, look this way, and show me your best Rutger Rose manager face.”

  I placed the camera in front of us for a selfie. At first, she wrinkled her nose at the idea, but I kept smiling and waited. The straight line of her lips curved into a grin and she brought her cheek to mine. After a few clicks, I had my first pictures of me and my birth mom.

  By the time I sat back down, I noticed she’d browsed my text messages instead of my browser. What had she been looking at?

  A week later, everything seemed to be back to normal, except I woke up to a quiet house. I checked Mom’s room and found it empty. In a panic, I checked everywhere, even driving around the neighborhood until I found her at the local bus station.

  “What in the hell of God’s green earth are you doing here?” I hissed.

  An elderly lady flashed me a dirty look for cursing. To hell with her, too.

  “I’m buying a ticket. What does it look like?”

  “You just had bowel surgery for cancer a month ago. Do you think Dr. Craft would approve?”

  “I could give a shit,” she grunted.

  The lady looked at Mom also. She likely didn’t give a shit about her, either.

  “So you just woke up and thought it would be a great idea to up and leave?”

  “I used to do this all the time.”

  “Well, you’re not twenty anymore.”

  “And you’re a bossy roommate.”

  I drove her back to the house, but apparently we weren’t done arguing yet.

  “Why do you want to stay with me when you can have something better for yourself?”

  “I do have something better. I have you now.”

  She made a rude gesture. “You were an assistant manager at a fancy hotel and now you’re cleaning up after me, a person who is nobody, and you think this is better?”

  “To me, it’s better.” My voice was rising higher and higher. “You have no right to tell me that spending time with you isn’t worth it. You lost that right when you abandoned me.” I snorted. “You can’t even abandon me again right. You just left the house with a hole-filled bag and you forgot half of your precious medicines.”

  “Those bottles are empty,” she grunted.

  We grew silent for a bit. I was still mad she’d pulled this shit because she didn’t want me here.

  I chose to stay here. I left the man I’d loved for almost half my life to be with the person I’d always needed in my life.

  Mom finally spoke. “I was never meant to be a mother.”

  “Well, sometimes we don’t have a choice in the cards life deals us. You had me and now you’re stuck with me.”

  “I don’t have to be,” she whispered. “You can get the fuck out.”

  “Make me.” Mom had apparently eaten bullshit for breakfast.

  “I’ll call the police on you.”

  “Good, then they can see the hovel you live in so I can force you into protective care.”

  Her face contorted into an angry grimace. “Can’t you see I want you to be happy,” she bit out. “You can do all the things I wasn’t able to do. You can have a family, maybe more.”

  “Don’t you think I can do that with you in my life, too?”

  “All you do is sit on that goddamn couch and look at your phone.”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “Oh, c’mon!”

  “It’s true.” She placed her hand on me. The first time she’d ever done that. “You’re hurting and I’m l
etting you stay that way.”

  “I’m not.”

  “A long time ago, I chose Frank and I saw so many places. I wish I could have seen Europe, you know? Seeing the U.S. was nice and all, but I dreamt bigger than that.” She pushed me a bit. “I could’ve worked at the local meat packing plant, but I chose him. Now look at you. Are you running away or are you following?”

  I was running away from Tomas. I was a professional at it, but I chose a better option. “I chose to run to you.”

  She touched my face and ran her palm down my cheek. Damn, having my mom touch me was all I’d ever wanted. “I’ve been here for fifty years. I’ll be here for twenty more, thanks to Dr. Craft.”

  “I’m still not going anywhere,” I bit out.

  “Just think about it, Carlie.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  She frowned. “I can be a nagging bitch.”

  “Can be?”

  “Promise me you’ll think about it.”

  I’d already turned him away and he planned to sell the hotel. For all I knew, the ink on the paperwork had dried already.

  I nodded. “I’ll think about it, Mom.”

  —

  The next morning, I woke up and glanced at my phone again. No new messages from Tomas. A quick search on the Internet didn’t reveal any information about a sale of the Goodfellow Tower Hotel, but why would any sale go public until the company released the information?

  Forget about him, Carlie.

  So I freshened up first. On the way to the bathroom, I glanced in her room to see Mom on her side again. At least she hadn’t run away.

  I brushed my teeth. For the first time, I noticed that half of the bottles were empty. Damn, she did have a point there. I chuckled. I grabbed an empty bottle of painkillers and walked into the bedroom to wake her up.

  “You win, Patty. They’re empty.” I touched her side, but she didn’t stir.

  Just another morning I’d have to drag her into the bathroom.

  “You tired, sleepyhead?” I touched her hand, and it was cold.

  Oh God, no…

  “Momma…” My voice cracked as I reached for her to turn her over.

  She wasn’t breathing.

  “Mom…” I scrambled to feel for a pulse, but her chest was silent.

  “God, not now. Not now.” I perched over her and began CPR. Two breaths. Five chest compressions. Countless times I’d practiced this procedure for emergencies like this one, but I never imagined I’d be doing it to my mother.

  She still didn’t respond.

  “Goddamn it, you better wake up!” I was crying now, but Mom didn’t move.

  I grabbed my phone. Somehow I dialed the number I’d called numerous times at the hotel, but never for myself.

  “911,” the dispatcher said through my din. “What is your emergency?”

  “Please…” I couldn’t seem to find my breath. Black circles danced along my vision. “Come to 88…” My throat was closing up. I leaned over and sucked in a deep breath. With the first gust of air, I gave the address. “My mom is unresponsive with no pulse or heartbeat.” I couldn’t speak anymore. Only howl.

  I barely heard the woman say help was on the way. I dropped the phone and ran back into the room.

  “I’m not giving up on you.” I tried again and again until my arms grew tired and the sound of the sirens grew louder. Eventually, all I could do was weep, wrap my arms around her, and lay my head against her shoulder.

  That was the first and the last time I hugged her.

  Chapter 26

  Tomas

  For the longest time, she sat on the couch on the rooftop patio. The air up there was always comfortable, and on the clearest of days, the sky over the bay offered the best view.

  An endless line of doctors tried to reassure Carlie, but none of the words ever sank in.

  “You did a great job taking care of your mother, but she lost her fight with cancer. Did she ever tell you her prognosis wasn’t good in the first place?” She was numb the whole time, like she was now. “Parents never tell their children the bad news until it’s too late.”

  I took her to the funeral home, her appointment with the bank to settle her mother’s affairs, anywhere she needed to go.

  A majority of the time, I did the talking. Seeing her just going through the motions tore into me.

  —

  More time passed, but Carlie didn’t do much.

  A call from Roland came at the best time: Carlie had a visitor from the hotel.

  We were on the roof watching the TV under the pergola when one of my hotel guests, Carver Murphy, came by for a visit. We chatted occasionally about his business dealings in the Midwest, and he was a decent guy. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to see Carlie, though.

  She didn’t do anything special for our guest. Most of the time, Carlie was impeccable in makeup and dresses, but today she lounged in a T-shirt and a pair of jean shorts. The fuzzy bunny slippers were unexpected, as well.

  “Hey, Carlie.” Carver waved at her and she offered a small smile back.

  “I thought you had left town on business,” I told him.

  He glanced at Carlie, a morose expression on his face. “I was in Chicago for a while with a case, but I had to come back to Boston. This place is turning into a second home for me.”

  “Does that mean you might be settling down? Ending the single life?” she joked halfheartedly.

  “I don’t know about that. I’ve been a bachelor for a long time.”

  They sat in silence for a bit. He waited patiently for her to speak first.

  “Have you been drinking your shakes?” she finally asked him.

  “Those shitty things? Sometimes my cook makes them for me when I order something bad.”

  That made her smile for the first time in days. “I want a disgusting cheeseburger right about now. Something that I would regret later.”

  He laughed and she laughed soon after. It was good to see her smile.

  “How are you holding up?” he asked her.

  “I’m doing fine.” The side of her mouth puckered as if she’d bit it. “Like you said, I take things one day at a time.”

  He nodded. “That’s all we can do.”

  A cooking show appeared on the outdoor TV and Carver groaned. “You do know you’re torturing yourself, don’t you?”

  I was thinking the same thing, but I’d kept that thought to myself since she showed some interest in it every now and then. Having her feel better was all that mattered to me.

  “This channel is like crack,” she replied. “They have a show about diners and drive-ins. Shows about barbecue. Shows about candy.”

  “But nothing on gluten-free dining?” Carver relaxed against the seat.

  “Nope. I can still eat plenty of this stuff.”

  I got up to pour her some more green tea and a glass for Carver. Just hearing them banter back and forth was refreshing. I had yet to get her to open up like that for me—which meant she needed friends right now, too.

  They were still going at it when I came back.

  “You would either go into diabetic shock eating that cake or you’d be in the bathroom for days with a sugar-free version,” Carlie said.

  “I’d die a happy man.”

  “Cake should not be deadly.”

  We sat quietly watching TV for a while until Carver spoke again. “I’m glad I got a chance to help you find your mom.”

  “I am, too.” She took a sip of her drink. “I didn’t want to ask for help—from anyone—but you ignored my protests and made the impossible possible. Thank you.”

  “Thanks, Carver,” I added.

  “Naw, man. This one was on the house from the beginning. Your lady deserved to find her mom. I’m glad she had the chance to get to know her.”

  We finished watching the cooking show before Carver said his goodbyes. Carlie hadn’t said much since we talked about her mom and she continued to be that way for the rest of the week.

  October bec
ame November, and by that point, Carlie rarely left the hotel.

  One morning, I found her lying in bed. On her cellphone were many messages from her friends. They had been reaching out to her, but she wasn’t responding to them.

  Instead of going to work that day, I curled up next to her and held her.

  Chapter 27

  Carlie

  “Hey, Car.”

  Someone cuddled up behind me and ran her hand down the side of my face. It was Sophie. Penny lay down near my feet. In front, Griffin sat on the edge of the bed and took my hand.

  Sophie’s perfume filled my nose and I managed a small smile.

  “Hey, Ashley,” I said to her.

  “Why haven’t you called me back?” Sophie asked softly.

  “Because I’ve been out of it.”

  “I was hoping for more than a text.”

  I sighed and the tears that always sat on the edge of my vision threatened to come again. “I just knew that if I called you, I wouldn’t be able to speak.” I covered my mouth to stop myself from sobbing and failed.

  “You don’t have to talk, Car.” She held me close and stroked the back of my head. When we were kids, I was the one who comforted her. This time it was her touch that calmed me. “You never have to talk.”

  Penny was already crying and I just lost it. All this week, I’d wanted to go back to the U.K. I was tired of feeling tired. I just wanted to dig myself a hole and bury myself inside, but right now, at this very second, the chill along my back went away and the emptiness I’d once wanted to fill with family didn’t feel as empty.

  We sat like that for a while, I wasn’t sure how long, until Penny spoke. “You smell.”

  I laughed and Griffin did, too.

  “You’re such a bitch, Penny,” he snorted.

  “Well, she does.” Penny got up and took Griffin’s hand. “Let’s go get some coffee while Sophie gets her ass out of bed. We can have lunch after she freshens up.”

  I’d forgotten about the family lunch we did once per month. We always got together, even when I was overseas and had to video chat while they ate.

  I missed last month.

  Apparently, they weren’t going to let me miss today.