by Amy Ruttan
Maybe it was stupid, but he could work through this himself.
Sure you can. Which is why you hardly sleep.
Zac hurried through his charting and then headed down an empty hallway, where he began to jog the length of it.
The one advantage to the snowstorm was that there was hardly any staff around. No one would question him. No one would notice him down this hallway, running back and forth through a glass walkway where outside the storm still howled, dumping snow on Manhattan.
Even if the storm stopped right at that moment it could take days to shovel out.
He wasn’t sure that he could handle being holed up here for days with no escape. He needed some air. It had become harder to breathe. Zac paused and leaned against the glass, watching the snow swirling. There were times the wind kicked up and he couldn’t even see the buildings that surrounded Manhattan Mercy.
It was like he was alone here.
Trapped.
Of course, that’s the way he always felt. Trapped in his own nightmares. The guilt from not saving Rojas’s life, for leaving his family behind and broken, ate away at him.
The sound of a door at the other end of the hallway snapped him out of his reverie and he glanced up to see Ella’s possible cholecystectomy patient being wheeled up from CT by Dr. Trace.
“Well, Ryan, what’s the verdict?” Zac asked as they came closer. The patient was still out of it. The pain meds they’d given her were doing their job.
“There is a stone in the common bile duct,” Dr. Trace said. “The gall bladder is quite enlarged and the patient is running a fever.”
Dammit. The patient was on the verge of a burst gall bladder or maybe a burst bile duct. It wasn’t good.
“Inform Ella that I will be preforming an ERCP. Have the patient prepped for an endoscopic procedure in the endoscopy suite. Hopefully, all day surgery in the endoscopy suite has been cancelled today due to the weather and we can get our patient in.”
“With Dr. So out of town there were no endoscopies scheduled for today. The endoscopy suite is probably not staffed.”
Zac cursed under his breath. “Tell Ella that I will need her and you to assist me. Also an anesthesiologist to sedate the patient.”
“Yes, Dr. Davenport.” Dr. Trace continued to wheel the patient away.
“Don’t call me Dr. Davenport—that’s my father, my brother and one of my sisters.”
Dr. Trace laughed. “Okay, Zac.”
Zac scrubbed his hands over his face.
You can do this.
Although Charles wouldn’t be happy that Zac was encroaching on Dr. So’s department, but really what choice did they have? This was a dire situation.
This patient was getting worse. The bile duct had to be cleared and the gall bladder had to come out.
There was no choice.
He could save this life. He wouldn’t let another person die if he could help it. He knew the ERCP was a dangerous procedure, but he knew how to do it.
Control it.
Zac closed his eyes and breathed deeply. That’s when he saw Ella’s face. She was smiling at him, in his thoughts. In his dreams. He’d missed her too during those years away. He’d missed her even if she hadn’t missed him.
You are a good surgeon.
You’ve got this. You can save this life.
He had no choice.
CHAPTER FIVE
ELLA WASN’T BEST pleased that Zac was going to do an ERCP. The only surgeons who did ERCPs were ones who did them frequently and who were highly skilled.
Zac was a trauma surgeon.
He wasn’t a specialist in endoscopic procedures. Only there wasn’t a choice.
She bit her lip as she watched them prep her patient for an ERCP. The patient had still been out of it from the painkillers, but the patient’s husband had been in the waiting room. She hadn’t come alone to the emergency room when her gall bladder had flared up, so they had been able to obtain consent to do this procedure.
And Zac had been right in his instructions to Dr. Trace. When she’d seen the computer tomography scan she could see that they were running out of time. The gall bladder was engorged, full of stones and the patient was on the verge of pancreatitis.
Even if the ERCP was successful, the patient was still at a high risk for pancreatitis.
They had prepped the endoscopy suite to also do the laparoscopic cholecystectomy after the bile duct was clear.
Ella was just hoping that it could be done laparoscopically and that she wouldn’t have to do a full laparotomy. Especially if the ERCP failed.
Zac said he could do it. Zac said he’d done it before. Trust him.
Only she couldn’t convince herself at this moment to trust him. How could she trust him? The last time she had it had been disastrous.
For your heart. This is different, though. This is your medical reputation.
This was life or death.
Zac glanced up at her over his mask and he narrowed his eyes, glaring at her.
“Why are you staring at me, Dr. Lockwood?”
“I’m not staring,” she said.
“I’ve got this,” he said in a fierce voice that was cold, angry. He was warning her to lay off.
“Okay. You’ve got this.” Only she made sure her tone conveyed the severity of the situation, and he picked up on it.
“Yes. I do,” he said firmly. “You need to back away.”
Dr. Lynne’s eyes widened above her surgical mask and Ella’s cheeks flamed. It had been a long time since anyone had spoken to her like that. If it had been any other person, if it had been a different situation, she would lay into the person for speaking to her like that.
Especially a new surgeon to the hospital. Davenport or not, she wasn’t going to let him walk all over her and do whatever he wanted. On the other hand, sometimes her need to maintain her reputation meant she didn’t always have the best rapport with other surgeons. Perhaps, in this case, it was best to just let it go. So she bit back her retort. She needed Zac to stay calm. She needed this to go off without a hitch.
If Zac was confident this could work, that he could do this, she had to let him try.
“Fine.” She moved to the opposite side of the endoscopy suite, waiting until she could get in there and repair the damage of a botched ERCP.
Have some more faith.
Only she was having a hard time trying to have faith in a man she no longer knew. A man who had never kept the faith with her.
She just held her breath as he guided the endoscope down the patient’s throat. Ella kept her gaze fastened to the monitor, watching in a bit of disbelief and apprehension as Zac skillfully did what she’d seen Dr. So do countless times.
With precision he made a small incision inside the duodenum and then guided the cannula up the small bile duct, using contrast material to identify the stones.
“There they are,” Zac said, talking only to himself. He fed down a small balloon that could be inflated above the stone and help brush it down into the widened opening. “Looks like only one stone, the rest of the duct is clear. Once we get this stone out, it should be a simple laparoscopic procedure to remove the gall bladder. There should be no risk of the clips popping off the bile duct.”
Ella didn’t respond. She held her breath and watched. Hopefully the stone would move. She didn’t have to hold her breath for long as Zac inflated the balloon, brushing the stone down from where it was lodged, cleaning the bile duct of its fragments and clearing it.
She let out the breath she’d been holding.
‘Dr. Davenport, the patient is turning yellow.”
Ella’s head snapped up and indeed the patient was jaundiced.
“Dammit,” Ella cursed, stepping forward. “You might’ve nicke
d the common bile duct.”
“I didn’t nick the bile duct.” Zac removed the endoscope after retracting the cannula. “The gall bladder could’ve ruptured.”
“We need to get in there while the patient is under.” Ella helped Dr. Lynne turn the patient to a supine position, while the anesthesiologist started prepping the patient for a general anesthetic over the deep sedation that was used for the ERCP procedure.
She really didn’t want to do surgery in the endoscopy suite, but it was ready. The laparoscopic equipment was here. The staff and anesthesiology was here.
They were short-staffed as it was.
“The ERCP went off without a hitch,” Zac snapped. “You know these complications happen with inflamed gall bladders and stones. Why are you so angry?”
“Now is not the time and place, Dr. Davenport.” Ella pushed past him as her scrub nurse readied the instruments. “If you could head back out on the trauma floor and monitor the emergency room, that would be great.”
Zac glared at her. “Fine.”
He didn’t say anything else to her as he left the endoscopy suite.
Maybe she was a little too harsh with him, but he was being too secretive. Too evasive about what was really going on with him. Trust worked both ways. She was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but when he’d snapped at her in front of one of her interns, humiliating her and destroying the reputation she’d worked so hard to build up in this hospital, that had been the last straw.
She just needed some distance between the two of them.
They didn’t both need to be in the endoscopy suite to do a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Someone needed to be out on the emergency room floor.
As far as she knew, the storm outside was still raging. And even if it was over, they would be flooded soon with casualties in the aftermath, but at least the next shift could get in and she could go home.
Home to what?
And that thought made her cringe inwardly a little.
Her mother lamenting her single state, as she did every year. Complaining about the lack of grandchildren that Ella had provided. That was what hurt her most, because Ella wanted children.
She did, but she just didn’t see that happening any time in her future, and her mother’s constant reminder of the one thing she secretly longed for was just another slap in her face.
Ella should be used to disappointment by now. She should be used to hurt and pain. Especially at this time of year.
And for the first time since this storm had started, she hoped it would continue for just a bit longer so she could miss out on the traditional Lockwood Christmas and all the disappointments that it brought her.
Here in the operating room she was happiest.
Here she could hide away from the world and all the bitter disappointments.
Here she was herself. Even if that meant she was alone and lonely.
At least she was herself. The real her.
* * *
Why was she watching me? Why didn’t she back off?
Zac stormed down the hallway, putting the endoscopy suite far behind him. Ella had absolutely no faith in his abilities. He’d told her that he had experience and he did. He had been trained in several skilled procedures at Annapolis. So why didn’t she trust him?
He closed his eyes. And became overwhelmed with the sights and sounds of that tragedy.
“Get out of the way!” Zac shouted as he carried the boy in his arms.
Shellfire echoed across the town. Buildings crumbled and people screamed around him.
First a natural disaster and now a rebellion.
Zac dodged debris as he worked side by side with surgeons from the army on the beach, which was now soaked with blood from the wounded.
Consuela was screaming behind him, weeping as Zac carried her son from where he’d found him, buried under a wall at the mission. A boy who was shy but so curious. He’d clung to Zac.
Now he was lifeless in his arms, but he had to try.
He had to try.
Then pain hit him in the back and he dropped to his knees.
He’d been shot.
“Dr. Davenport?”
Zac startled when a porter called his name. “What?”
The porter looked at him with concern. “Are you okay?”
Zac plastered a fake smile on his face, the one he was so used to using. “Fine. What can I help you with?”
The smile worked. Like it usually did.
Except it doesn’t work on Ella.
He shook that thought away.
“Dr. Davenport is on the phone. He wants to speak with you.”
Zac cocked an eyebrow. “Which Davenport?”
The porter laughed. “Charles.”
“Thanks. What line?”
“Five. You can use the phone in the empty office there.” The porter continued on his way down one of the darkened halls. The office was in one of the wards they had shut down to conserve power from their generators while the maintenance crew continued to restore full power to the hospital.
Zac slipped into the empty office.
“Charles,” he said, having connected the call.
“Zac, I was wondering how things were going there?”
“The power went out.”
“Again?” Charles sighed. “Not surprising, though.”
“Why?”
“Most of the Upper West Side is without power.”
“What about the new system?” Zac asked. “It’s supposed to work when the grid fails.”
“They’re still working on it, but honestly it’s out of their hands.”
“Why?”
“The storm is not helping with installation and testing. It’s too new, but I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want to wait until the new year to install it and I’m glad. Even if it’s glitchy, it’s working better than before, yes?”
“Yes, the generators cut out for a while, but the maintenance crew have them back up and running. We’re conserving power to make sure all essential services are taken care of.”
“Zac, I’m not your commanding officer,” Charles teased gently.
“You sort of are. You’re the head of the ER.”
“Yes, but I’m not there and neither is Elijah so Ella Lockwood is in charge.” There was an awkward silence between the two of them. “How are things going with that?”
“Fine,” Zac said stiffly. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I noticed tension between you two—”
“It’s fine.” Zac cut him off. “She’s in charge. I get it. It’s fine.”
“So where is she?”
“She’s still working.”
“I’m not surprised. She’s not one to sit around when we’re short-staffed, even if she’s supposed to be off duty.”
“She’s in surgery now,” Zac said, avoiding the subject of working with Ella.
“For what?” Charles asked.
“Ruptured gall bladder. I performed an ERCP—”
“You what?” Charles demanded. “That’s a highly skilled procedure.”
“I know, Charles. And I was trained at Annapolis. The gall bladder didn’t rupture because I executed a perfect ERCP. It was badly inflamed.”
“Well, I’m sure you and Ella did what was best for the patient.”
“Yes.”
“I have complete faith in you. I’m very glad you’ve returned to the fold.”
Zac rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help but smile at his brother’s warm welcome. “Is that all?”
“The storm is still raging. No one is to leave the hospital. New York City has come to a standstill. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.”
Zac’s stomac
h twisted at that thought. This storm was worse than the one before.
You’ve got this.
“No one is to leave. Got it.”
“Okay,” Charles said, and then his voice softened. “Take care.”
“I’ve got this.”
“I know. I’ll check in again.”
“Yes. Give the boys my love. Bye.” Zac hung up the receiver.
You’ve got this.
When he looked up, he felt like someone was staring at him. It was Ella. She’d obviously finished the surgery.
She was watching him with a strange look on her face. She looked away, rubbing the back of her neck, and she slowly walked away from the emergency department toward the staffroom.
His pulse raced as he thought about her. Thought about their first kiss, that stolen moment and her kisses, the softness of her skin. How he’d wanted more. How he regretted not taking the chance with her.
He could’ve gone looking for her, but he’d chickened out, thinking it was better, but Ella haunted him. Every Christmas he thought of their kiss, reveled in it, and he beat himself up for not taking the chance to find out if there could’ve been more than just a kiss that night.
When he’d had to have the obligatory psychiatric review on his return home from his mission, the psychiatrist had told him to focus on one thing in his life. One thing where he’d felt completely at peace. One thing that mattered.
One thing that had brought him joy.
And that had been his time with Ella. If only he’d wanted to settle down and get married, follow in his parents’ footsteps, then Ella would’ve been the woman for him. But he hadn’t back then. He hadn’t wanted any part of a society life, just adventure and a naval career, even if it meant walking away from Ella Lockwood.
Which he’d thought would be a lot harder than it had been back then, but Ella had obviously wanted nothing to do with him after their kiss, because he hadn’t seen her again. He’d been expecting to see her at that Christmas Eve function, but she’d never shown up. So he hadn’t been able to say his proper goodbye to her.
