+
Man who has sex with her anyway
=
Rape
+
Unlimited Damages
+
Up To Fifteen Years Jail Time
Maybe Christian’s rationing himself to just one major felony per night?
Even Christian’s minions are creepy
I inspect the bag of jeans. Not only has [Christian’s bodyguard] Taylor brought me jeans and new converse, but a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear…what’s more , they fit perfectly…I flush to think of the Buzz-Cut man in some lingerie store buying this for me. (p70)
Does this mean Christian let Taylor come in and have a good old stare at Ana too?
Or did he just take a series of exacting measurements and hand them over?
Photo: aussiegall [flickr]
The Grey brothers hunt in packs
“Crap, Kate,” I croak…
“She knows you’re here and still alive. I just texted Elliot,” he says. (p71)
Hi bro. Howz it goin? Um lk I no I sed no more
but u no how it is rite? Hv kidnapped a girl agen.
Shes still here w me. Need2 work out plan2 get
rid. Mk up sum shit 2 keep her BFF sweet k? Laters C
A problem of your own making
[Christian to Ana]
“I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered a selection from the breakfast menu…”
“Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food…eat.” (p71)
So, rather than wait five minutes and find out what Ana wanted, you thought you’d just order one of everything off the menu, then stand over her until she somehow forces down every last mouthful.
I can see now why you’re so successful in all that you do.
I hope Ana brought her long spoon
He passes me a small teapot of hot water and on the saucer is a Twinings English Breakfast teabag. Jeez, he remembers how I like my tea. (p71)
Well, technically, Ana, since he’s presented you with a teabag and a teapot full of hot water, a better description here would be that he has absolutely no idea how you like your tea, and has merely assembled a DIY tea-making kit.
Ana’s plans for the future
[Christian to Ana] “You have a place in Seattle already?”
“Yes.”
“Where?”
“I can’t remember the address.”
He smiles. “So what are you going to do for work in Seattle?” (p73)
I can’t make up my mind what’s more hilarious here; Ana’s coy admission that she can’t remember where she’s supposed to be living from now on, or Christian’s blithe acceptance of this as a reasonable answer.
Because really, a large corporation can never have enough idiots on its payroll
“Have you applied to my company as I suggested?”
“Um…no.”
“And what’s wrong with my company?” (p73)
More to the point, Christian, what’s wrong with you? She just admitted she can’t remember her own address.
Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (5)
“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly.
Oh my. I am completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip. My mouth pops open as I gasp and swallow at the same time. That has to be the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me. (p73)
Unfortunately, Ana, letting your mouth hang open while you choke on a mouthful of your own drool probably has to be the un-sexiest thing anyone has ever done in front of him.
And with the entire suite to choose from…
[Ana to Christian] “Where did you sleep last night?” I turn to gaze at him…
“In my bed,” he says. (p76)
Then again, you probably thought you were keeping Ana safe from the Wallpaper People who might have climbed out from the decorations at absolutely any moment.
“Erotic” is not a synonym for “intrusive”
I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian Grey’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth…I squirt toothpaste onto it, and brush my teeth in double-quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill. (p76)
Things that are good metaphors for oral sex:
Cucumbers
Bananas
Lollipops
Ice-cubes
Things on swizzle-sticks
Any other foodstuff that you either have to suck, or that’s vaguely penis-shaped
Things that are bad metaphors for oral sex:
Anything involving toothbrushes
And he gave me my very first kiss
Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips…His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down…It’s only just not painful. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. I feel his erection against my bell. Oh my…he wants me. (p78)
Oh my…he’s getting off on being able to force you to do whatever he wants.
Run, Ana. Run for the hills.
Chapter Six
In which Kate becomes way over-involved in Ana’s date preparation, and Christian introduces Ana to Charlie Tango
A kiss is just a kiss
[Christian] hasn’t mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend it didn’t happen? (p80)
Oh Ana, you should totally talk about it! Men love it when women want to exhaustively over-analyse brief moments of physical contact. Especially when they’re trying to back out of a tight parking space.
Friends don’t let friends drive horny
Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. (p82)
Because he’s freakin’ driving the car, you moron.
Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (6)
Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me this is what men expect these days. (p85)
Ana, unless you’ve been living under a rock your entire life and / or never took gym at school, you should already know Western females shave their legs and underarms, at regular intervals, from early puberty onwards.
I can therefore only conclude that “what men expect these days” is the removal of your pubic hair.
In which case:
I am now picturing Kate showing you how to give yourself a landing-strip. And not in a good way.
Still, I suppose if you routinely let your “friends” boss you around like this, it might explain why you seem to have such a problem with boundaries.
Ana wonders why Kate doesn’t like Christian
For some strange reason, Kate doesn’t trust [Christian], maybe because he’s so stiff and formal. (p85)
EITHER:
Kate doesn’t trust Christian because his manners are unusually decorous
OR:
Kate doesn’t trust Christian because last night in the bar, he kidnapped you, stripped you naked and hid your clothes
Getting crowded in here
After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. (p86)
People now living in Ana’s head:
Ana
Ana’s sub-conscious
Ana’s inner goddess
There will be others along later.
Seriously. There really will.
Things that are not fables
I wonder where the fabled helicopter might be. We’re in a built-up area of the city, and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land. (p86)
Ana, sweetie,
Helicopters are real.
Therefore, they do not belong in the same class of object as unicorns, minotaurs, blind albino alligat
ors living in the sewers and that woman whose face was impregnated by a spider.
The whole point of a helicopter (as opposed to an aeroplane) is that it can take off and land in a relatively small space. That’s why police forces rarely use Police Boeings to track and capture criminals on the run.
Photo: didbygraham [flickr]
Pavlovian Response
He nods curtly to his driver, and we head…straight to a set of elevators. Elevator! (p87)
Just so I know, Ana, are you going to be doing this every time you see something that reminds you of a significant event with Christian? Coffee shop! Teabag! Blonde! Vomit! Leaf! Kidnapper! Tess of the D’Urbervilles!
If it stops raining, it won’t be as wet
I’m glad that the area is floodlit, otherwise I’d find it difficult to see inside the small cockpit. (p88)
And I’m glad the lights are on in my house, otherwise I’d find it really difficult to read these words and then mercilessly mock you when you point out the obvious.
Ana experiences a rare moment of self-preservation
“I’m just going through all the pre-flight checks.” Christian’s disembodied voice is in my ears through the headphones.
“Do you know what you are doing?” I ask. (p88)
No, Ana, I think he’s probably just flicking switches on and off at random to try and impress you, before grabbing the joystick, pressing the “start” button and crashing the sorry-ass pair of you straight to your doom against the nearest mountain.
Welcome to your in-flight briefing
Portland disappears in front of us as we head into US airspace, though my stomach remains firmly in Oregon. Whoa! All the bright lights shrink until they are twinkling sweetly below us. It’s like looking out from inside a fish bowl. Once we’re higher, there really is nothing to see. It’s pitch black, not even the moon to shed any light on our journey. How can he see where we’re going? (p89)
Okay Ana, just a few points:
Unless something’s gone quite horribly wrong, the last thing you should be seeing in front of you is a major city.
Unless you are flying at something approaching the speed of light, you and your stomach will be remaining in the state of Oregon for at least half an hour.
Unless there has been a state-wide power-cut, the lights of the cities and towns below you will not go out just because you happen to be 10,000 feet above them.
Unless Christian forgot to put them on, your helicopter will be illuminated by the array of lights attached to its exterior, which you may have noticed if you ever took the trouble to glance up at the night sky when a helicopter flies over.
Unless that pre-flight check really was just a massive snow-job, Christian will also be making use of the extensive array of on-board instruments which show him exactly where the helicopter is at all times.
So now you can just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Ana’s Alternative Dictionary
“Are you impressed?”
“I’m awed, Christian…You’re just so…competent.” (p90)
Awe (n):
a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity, or might
a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of a man not actually crashing his helicopter into a mountain.
Ana sees Christian’s living-room for the first time
It’s the main living area, double height. Huge is too small a word for it. (p93)
Then choose another word.
Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (3)
As I sit, I’m struck by the fact that I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the new house that belongs to the notorious Alec D’Urberville. The thought makes me smile. (p95)
Ana, as I read this, I’m struck by the fact that you’ve fundamentally misunderstood the nature of Tess’s relations with Alec. First, he raped her and got her pregnant. Then, when she and her family were destitute, he used her economic vulnerability to coerce her into becoming his mistress.
Still, at least we’re both smiling. So, there’s that.
And then there were three
“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe. (p95)
From what vantage point is your subconscious staring at you? Has she now climbed out from the cavernous void between your ears and found a good spot on the sofa to watch from?
Ana’s Alternative Dictionary
Awe, (n):
a mixed emotion reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of someone about to do something really quite tremendously stupid.
Conversations that would never happen
“This is a nondisclosure agreement…My lawyer insists on it.” (p95)
INT, SEATTLE, DAY
LAWYER and CHRISTIAN GREY in office. LAWYER appears nervous
LAWYER
Mr Grey, as you’ve now passed a certain undefined threshold of wealthiness, it’s my legal duty to become weirdly intrusive on the subject of your sex life.
CHRISTIAN
Really? That happens to everyone?
LAWYER
Oh yes, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and everyone.
(BEAT)
CHRISTIAN
Um - why?
LAWYER
In case you embarrass the shareholders.
CHRISTIAN
I own the company. I don’t have any shareholders.
LAWYER
Tax reasons. I meant tax reasons.
CHRISTIAN
-
LAWYER
(INTERRUPTING)
So, what are you into?
CHRISTIAN
Um…I like…BDSM?
LAWYER
Ah.
CHRISTIAN
That’s a problem?
LAWYER
That’s a problem.
CHRISTIAN
Sex between consenting adults is a problem? Why? How?
LAWYER
Don’t worry, we can fix this.
CHRISTIAN
Why does it need fixing?
LAWYER
Shhhh. Just get all your future partners to sign this utterly inapplicable and non-binding document.
(HANDS OVER DOCUMENT TO CHRISTIAN)
CHRISTIAN
(LOOKS THROUGH THE DOCUMENT)
A Non-Disclosure Agreement? But aren’t they designed to protect the commercial interests of two contracting business parties who are exchanging information that carries a measurable financial value?
LAWYER
That’s right. In fact, in the context of a personal relationship, this document has no real legal significance at all. You can’t prevent someone from discussing their sex life with anyone they want. Something to do with that annoying constitutional right to free speech. But it’ll help you artificially string out the narrative tension for another few chapters before you finally get down to business. So, will you get all your lovers to sign it?
CHRISTIAN
(SHRUGS)
Whatevs.
Christian and Ana prepare to get down to business
“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”
“No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love, I fuck…hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”
“You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. (p96)
Dear Christian. Just so we’re clear - it doesn’t matter how much paperwork you get Ana to sign, you’re still not allowed to do stuff to her she doesn’t like or want.
Also, she can still talk to anyone she wants, about anything she wants, whenever she wants. So you might as well just get over your bad-ass paperwork self and move straight to the Hard Fucking.
Dear Ana. Since we’re all dropping F-bombs left and
right, can I just point out that there is such a thing as being too unbelievably fucking stupid.
Chapters Seven and Eight
In which Ana explores Christian’s playroom, and Christian explores Ana’s playroom
No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition
…it feels like I’ve time-travelled back to…the Spanish Inquisition.
The first thing I notice is the smell: leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent. There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s made of highly-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs at each corner. Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling…from it hand all manner of ropes, chains and shackles…two long, polished, ornately carved poles…hang like curtain rods across the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feathery implements.
Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers…In the far corner is an oxblood leather padded bench…There’s a stout six-foot table in the opposite corner…and two matching stools.
But what dominates the room is the bed. It’s bigger than king size, an ornately carved rococo poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century…there is no bedding…just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end. (p98)
Implements of torture used by the Spanish Inquisition
Suspension devices consisting of a single attachment point, designed to induce a sensation of pain and suffocation
Stuffing the victim’s mouth with cloth and pouring water onto it to induce a sensation of drowning
Wooden frame with rollers and ropes (“the rack”) to stretch people, inducing agonising pain in the joints
Implements of torture rarely used by the Spanish Inquisition
Lighter Shades of Grey Page 4
