If Mia really does have Down’s syndrome and you’ve just casually dropped her into the story and not made it into a thing, I’ll happily admit there is at least one seriously cool thing about your book.
However, if you’ve written a character whose behaviour is just a shameful parody of some of the symptoms of a lifelong disability…well, congratulations. You must be very proud.
Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (6)
“I’m thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,” I reply.
Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times… (p339)
See, that’s the kind of expression I expect to see on a cow looking over a hedge.
Photo: O’hAodha [flickr]
An insight into the Greys’ domestic arrangements
Grace reappears carrying two plates, followed by a pretty young woman with blonde pigtails, dressed smartly in pale blue, carrying a tray of plates. (p341)
Why is Grace carrying just two plates and someone else carrying all the rest?
And who requires their staff to dress like Alice In Slutland?
Mais c’est trop drôle! Vous parlez Franҫais!
Mia regales us with her exploits in Paris, lapsing at one point into fluent French. We all stare at her, and she stares back, until Christian tells her in equally fluent French what she’s done, whereupon she bursts into fits of giggles. She has a very infectious laugh and soon we’re all in stitches. (p344)
Now I know what you consider funny, E L James, I’m sort of relieved you didn’t treat us to Kate’s brilliant repartee in her Valedictorian speech.
Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One
In which Ana and Christian combine business with pleasure
Christian takes Ana to the boathouse
He pauses at the doorway and touches another switch – halogens this time, they are softer, on a dimmer – and we’re in an attic room with sloping ceilings. It’s decorated with a nautical New England theme: navy blues and creams with a dash of red. The furnishings are sparse, just a couple of couches are all I can see.
Christian sets me on my feet on the wooden floor. I don’t have time to examine my surroundings – my eyes can’t leave him. (p347)
Also, you already examined and extensively described your surroundings.
His pulse never got above eighty-five…
His tongue and my tongue twist and turn together, consuming each other. He tastes divine. (p348)
Ohboyohboyohboy, cannibalism! My favourite!
Ana and Christian in the car on the way home
We’re coming near to the edge of the bridge, and the road is once more bathed in the neon light of the street lamps so his face is intermittently in the light and the dark. And it’s such a fitting metaphor. This man, whom I once thought of as a romantic hero, a brave shining white knight – or the dark knight as he said. He’s not a hero; he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. (p355)
Okay, Ana:
A metaphor requires you to describe one thing by comparing it to another, superficially dis-similar, thing. “Christian Grey is sometimes light and sometimes dark, like the way he is now actually looking sometimes light and sometimes dark” is really more of a concrete illustration of an abstract idea.
Also, you appear to be dating Batman.
Christian speculates on the nature of consent
“Do you think that for once I should play hard to get?”…
“Well…the door’s closed. Not sure how you’re going to avoid me,” he says sardonically. “I think it’s a done deal.” (p358)
Christian, “Ana is in the same room as you behind a closed door” is not a synonym for “Ana consents to have sex with you”. She is allowed to withdraw consent at any time.
I am never, ever, ever having Ana over to my place
I shake my head, resigned, and grasp Christian’s toothbrush. (p360)
Seriously. Who remembers to pack a nice frock to meet the parents in, but forgets clean panties and a toothbrush?
Photo: Pip R Lagenta [flickr]
Christian’s mysterious past
“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”
Holy fuck…what does that mean? (p367)
Well, I think he means that the woman who brought him into this world was a crack whore, and he thinks it’s time to go to sleep. But I could be wrong.
Christian doing some business
“Unless that company’s P&L improves, I’m not interested, Ros. We’re not carrying dead weight…I don’t need any more lame excuses…Have Marco call me, it’s shit or bust time…” (p370)
Dear Christian,
If you own “that company”, then you have a huge interest in seeing its P&L improve, because improving the P&Ls of companies you own is how you make your money.
If you are considering selling “that company”, you should still be taking an interest in improving its P&L. You will get a better price for a modestly successful company than one that’s crashing and burning.
If you are thinking about buying “that company”, then you would actually want its P&L to remain lousy until after the purchase, because they you will be able to acquire it at a lower price than if it was doing well.
Please make up your mind.
Christian has an Ed Gein moment
He’s got right under my skin…literally. (p377)
…and now he’s put it on and he’s dancing around in his basement to Q Lazzarus while he waits for his moth collection to hatch out.
Pointless fanfic artefact
At the head of the maple conference table sits a young man with red hair tied in a ponytail. Small, silver, hooped earrings glint in both his ears.
He says my name softly and cocks his head to one side…it’s unnerving. Doing my best to ignore the irrational wariness he inspires, I launch into my carefully prepared speech… (p379)
“It’s been a pleasure to meet you, Ana,” Jack says softly as he takes my hand. He squeezes it gently, so that I blink up at him as I say goodbye.
I feel unsettled as I make my way to the car, though I’m not sure why. (p380)
Dear E L James. This character is clearly James, the not-terribly-badass vampire who tried to kill Bella at the end of “Twilight”. As we both know, in a fanfic AU context, extra kudos is awarded for how well you manage to integrate the original cast into your re-imagined universe. Your original readers will have understood this, and James / Jack’s presence would have made perfect sense.
In an original-fiction work, however, this makes no sense. All that’s happened here is you’ve pointlessly introduced yet another predatory male who appears to have sinister designs on Ana – a subplot which will go absolutely nowhere, at least in this book, and which adds nothing to the main narrative whatsoever.
My career goes bang
“And where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”
“Copy editing, perhaps? Maybe a literary agent, I’m not sure. I am open to opportunities.” (p380)
Dear Ana. “Copy editing” means going through other people’s manuscripts with a fine-tooth comb and correcting errors of spelling, grammar and punctuation. They’re meticulous, focused and careful. “Literary agents” manage the relationship between writers and publishers. They’re editors, negotiators, hand-holders and wheeler-dealers.
If you’re not sure which you’d be best at, you’re probably not right for of them.
Christian has principles. Except when he doesn’t
[Christian to Ana, by email]
Anastasia
Mrs Jones is a valued employee…I do not employ anyone I’ve had any sexual relations with. I am shocked you would think so. (p386)
Well, to be fair Christian, you did have sex with Ana and then repeatedly offer her a job. So she’s not going completely out on a limb here.
More about Christian’s hiring practices
The only person I would
make an exception to this rule is you – because you are a bright young woman with remarkable negotiating skills. (p386)
Since the only thing Ana’s managed to negotiate so far is “you will not police my eating or sleeping habits, and when we have sex, you will not shove your entire fist into my vagina or anus”, this position is hard to substantiate.
The ironing is delicious
[Ana to Christian, by email]
Dear Sir
The morning was exemplary for me too, in spite of you weirding out on me after the impeccable desk sex… (p384)
Anastasia
I shall take impeccable as a compliment – though with you, I’m never sure if that’s what you mean or if your sense of irony is getting the better of you – as usual. (p386)
Ana’s Alternative Dictionary
Irony, (n):
The use of words to convey something other than, and especially opposite to, the literal meaning
E L James’ attempts to convince us that Christian is a marvellously intuitive lover who knows Ana better than she knows herself, when he is completely unable to read her body-language and secretly suspects she is faking every orgasm
Objectionable airline stereotype
“Ticket please?” The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without looking at me.
Mirroring his boredom, I hand over my ticket…
“Okay, Miss Steele. You’ve been upgraded to first class…if you’d like to go through to the first class lounge and await your flight there.” He seems to have woken up and is beaming at me like I’m the Christmas Fairy and the Easter Bunny rolled into one.
“Surely there’s some mistake.”
“No, no….” he simpers at me. (p388)
Okay, E L James,
Not all men working in the airline industry are gay
Of the gay men who do work in the airline industry, not all of them are flouncy
Of the gay men who work in the airline industry and are flouncy, almost none of them have a deliberate policy of being actively servile to the First Class passengers, and actively rude to all the rest. How long do you think any employee with this attitude would last?
Therefore I’m assuming you’re just employing a lazy homophobic stereotype to liven up your scene, and…
…I’ll look forward to meeting your eye-rolling, lip-smacking, jazz-hands porter with the great sense of rhythm and the simple “Yas’suh” homespun wisdom shortly.
Chapter Twenty-Two
In which sense is briefly talked; but only briefly; and no-one’s listening.
Living the high life
I am manicured, massaged, and I’ve had two glasses of champagne. The First Class lounge has many redeeming features. (p389)
That sounds lovely Ana, but unfortunately Sea-Tac Airport doesn’t have a first-class lounge. Maybe after Kate dropped you off you accidentally got in a taxi and drove two and a half thousand miles to JFK?
Ana is from another century
I glance anxiously at my watch and then the disembodied voice from the flight deck announces, “Cabin crew, doors to automatic and cross-check.”
What does that mean? Are they closing the doors? (p391)
Ana, you’re from Georgia and go to college in Vancouver. Are you seriously telling me this is your first time on a plane?
In what universe is this okay?
[Christian to Ana, by email]
Dear Miss Steele
I know what you’re trying to do – and trust me – you’ve succeeded. Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate.
Holy crap. That’s the problem with Christian’s humor – I can never be sure if he’s joking or if he’s seriously angry. (p392)
No, the problem with Christian’s humor is that some things are just not funny.
Somewhere in the universe, a hard-working Apple designer is sobbing quietly into his coffee
[Bob] takes my backpack.
“Jeez, Ana, what have you got in here?”
That will be the Mac… (p396)
A MacBook Pro weighs about four and a half pounds. Bob is a professional sportsman. Whatever it is that’s weighing you down, it will certainly not be the Mac.
Maybe Christian hid himself away in your luggage?
Photo: gingerpig2000 [flickr]
A Mother’s intuition
“So, Ana…tell me about this man who has you in such a spin.”
Spin! How can she tell? (p397)
Spin! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!
Well Ana, she might have some sort of spooky telepathic insight that allows her to see what no-one else can. Or it might be because pretty much every time you’ve spoken to her in the course of this book, you’ve burst into tears. Your pick.
Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (7)
“Oh, Mom, his mood swings make me dizzy. He’s had a grim upbringing, so he’s very closed, difficult to gauge.”
“Do you like him?”
“I more than like him.”
“Really?” She gapes at me. (p398)
Dear Mrs Steele (or whoever you are by now…with four husbands so far, it’s hard to know). Why are you so surprised to find that Ana likes the man she’s dating? Did you honestly think she was spending time with this man just out of politeness and good manners?
Unless you know she’s gay, of course.
Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]
A Family Trait
“Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say…if I were you, I’d take him literally. That might help.”
I gape at her. That sounds like good advice. (p398)
So now the both of you are sitting on the beach with your mouths hanging open. Excellent. I can see now why your collective milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.
Is it two black faces, one white vase, or a psychopathic monster?
Take Christian literally. Immediately some of the things he’s said spring into my mind.
I don’t want to lose you…
You’ve bewitched me…
You’ve completely beguiled me…
I’ll miss you, too… more than you know… (p398)
OR:
“I have rules and I want you to comply with them”
“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful”
“I want you sore”
“He uses sex as a weapon”
“Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate”
In the words of the ever-wise Maya Angelou, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
Ana’s mom, the relationship expert
I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all. (p398)
Possibly not so much about successful long-term relationships, though.
Mommy porn
My mother has disappeared to mould some candles or whatever she does with them. (p399)
Is anyone else picturing Ana’s mom –
No, no, no, no, no, not even I can make that joke and expect it to see print. Sorry. As you were.
Somehow I feel we’re not really getting to the heart of the issue here
Yes, [the crate in the cargo hold] was a joke, a poor one obviously. However, the fact is – the thought of you bound and gagged turns me on (this is not a joke – it’s true). I can lose the crate – crates do nothing for me. (p400)
So presumably if crates did do something for Christian, they’d still be up for discussion.
When I use a word, it means what I choose it to mean
[Christian to Ana, by email]
Frankly, I’m in awe of you, that one so innocent would be so willing to try. (p400)
Ana’s Alternative Dictionary
Awe, (n):
a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of someone who lacks the experience to judge just how mu
ch of a bastard you really are
Ana on the subject of Christian’s formative sexual experiences
…the image of that evil witch Mrs Robinson comes into my mind. I just can’t picture it. (p405)
But you just did picture it.
Photo: Der_Krampus [flickr]
Ana’s thoughts on large age-gaps in relationships
Christian being beaten by someone as old as my mother, it’s just so wrong. (p405)
The part most people would think of as wrong would be “anyone beating a child for sexual pleasure”. The age of the person doing the beating is something of a red herring.
What an age we live in
…on the third page, there’s a picture of me, with [Christian], at my graduation.
Holy Cow! I’m on Google! (p413)
Holy Cow! I’m on Google! And my house is on Google Maps! And the Pope has a website! And the Amish are on Facebook! It’s almost like we live in a digitised age where the sum of all human knowledge, from the life-changing to the arcane to the utterly trivial, is a mere click of a button away!
Chapters Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four
In which Ana gets some unusual parental advice, and Ana and Christian go gliding and take another bath
So he was in her luggage after all!
“Ana, what is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“It’s Christian, he’s here.”
…I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom. (p418)
Don’t worry, I think she might figure that one out for herself.
Photo: gingerpig2000 [flickr]
Delayed gratification
“Christian, it’s lovely to meet you finally,” Mom interjects. (p421)
Yeah, it’s been, what, like, two whole weeks now?
Things mothers do not do
Lighter Shades of Grey Page 9
