by A. M. Wray
“I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to,” I said. “You asked for honesty.”
“I did,” he said.
He shifted his weight, holding himself up with his left arm. His right hand then trailed down my side, the tips of his fingers barely brushing me through the fabric of my shirt. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to make things better or worse. I couldn’t tell if he planned to do something or if he was fighting himself to leave.
His fingers slipped under the edge of my shirt, allowing him to touch my bare skin. In the ambient light, I could see him staring at me. His face was too dark for me to see his expression, but I could make out the lines of his features. Reaching up, I touched his face and he placed a lingering kiss on the inside of my wrist.
“I think I should go,” he said. “I don’t know if I can stop myself if you start anything.”
I didn’t say anything as I leaned up and kissed him. Part of me felt terrible because I knew he was trying to be good, but I didn’t want to be. I was sick of trying to live by everyone else’s expectations and rules. Life wasn’t supposed to be about perfect calculations and doing everything by the book. It was about taking chances and being happy. Even making those around you happy. To hell with everything else.
When Jax's lips touched mine, I lost myself. He knew exactly how to move them, and I didn’t realize until that moment just what I'd been missing with my old relationship. The heat. The fire. It was intense, and I couldn’t get enough.
I freed my legs from between his and wrapped them around his waist. He lowered himself further, his weight pressing me into the bed as he kissed me harder. Every inch of him pressed against me, making the torture even sweeter. He pulled my lower lip into mouth and lightly bit it.
“Are you sure about this?” he asked before kissing me again.
“You have no…”
My phone rang then, interrupting what I was about to say. I immediately decided to ignore it, obviously having better things to do. I pulled him down into a kiss, but the phone interrupted us again. I groaned.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, reaching for my phone.
It was my cousin’s wife, Desiree. She always texted when she wanted to talk. Like me, she hated being on the phone. Plus, it was very late for her. She was usually in bed by nine, given she had to be up by four every morning. A bad feeling crept across me as I answered.
Chapter Eleven
“Hey, Desi,” I said. “Is everything okay?”
Before words were spoken, I heard sobbing. That was never a good way to start a conversation. I lifted up on my elbow, my full attention on any sound coming from the other end of the line.
“Desiree. What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice much firmer.
“He’s gone,” she said. “He’s gone.”
“Who? Caleb? Desiree. Please. What’s happening?”
Jax got up and walked out of the room as I sat and waited for Desiree to get her wits about her.
“I-came-home,” she said, sobbing between each word.
“Shh,” I soothed. “Take a breath. I’m not going anywhere. Breathe. Just breathe.”
I knew what she meant by he’s gone. I knew exactly what she meant, but I didn’t want to believe it. More than that, I was used to death. Well, I was used to death about as much as anyone can be. Desi was a therapist. She was built to help others deal with things, but when it came to her own grief, she always came up short. She was the type of person to help everyone else around her. I was so happy she called me, because that was the kind of thing she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself for.
“I should have been able to help him,” she said, her voice a bit clearer. “I thought it was working. I thought he was doing better. There was so much he was dealing with.”
“What was he dealing with?” I asked.
Jax walked into the room and turned on the lamp next to my bed. He brought me a small glass of milk and a piece of the brownie we made earier.
“Just in case,” he whispered.
He leaned down and kissed my head before coming to sit next to me on the bed. He reached out and wiped a tear away from my cheek that I hadn’t even known was there.
“The PTSD,” Desiree said. “He had it so bad.”
“I know, sweetheart,” I said. “He’s battled very harsh demons for a very long time. He saw way more over there than what anyone should have. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“I got him help, Liz. I tried to help him myself, but we are married. We were too close. Sometimes the people you’re closest to are the ones you have the hardest time talking to, so I took him to another therapist. One that was out of town and that I didn’t know personally. I wanted him to be very comfortable. After about nine months, things had gotten so much better. It was like he was the old Caleb. He was nothing like the depressed shell that came home from deployment. He was on medication and balancing life and work, me and the kids. He seemed so much happier.”
“So what happened?” I asked.
“I don’t know!” she said, sobbing uncontrollably again. “I got home and… and… Oh, God, Liz.”
Tears rolled down my face. I tipped the microphone away from my face as I choked up a bit. I didn’t want to make those terrible crying noises in the phone and make it worse for her. I was just thankful she couldn’t see my face.
“He’s gone,” she said. “He’s just… gone. He kissed me bye when I went to get groceries. He wanted ice cream, so I went to get some. I was going to make him a cake, too. When I got back, there was a note on the freezer. I ran to the basement and I found him in a pool of blood. It was awful, Liz. I don’t think I can ever forget it.”
My jaw dropped and my breath caught in my throat. My cousin, the guy that I grew up with, had committed suicide. He’d suffered so greatly that he just couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t imagine how she felt. It wasn’t her fault. Not in the least, but she blamed herself because of her training. Because she didn’t see it coming. I wept for her, but I did my best to stay silent.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “Are you going to be okay? I know you’re not okay, no one would be. I just mean…”
“I’m not going to do anything bad, if that’s what you mean,” she said, voice still shaking. “I’m at the hospital. I can’t see well enough to drive. I’m kinda stuck here for a bit.”
“Is your mom there? Can she take you home?” I asked. As soon as I said it, I realized how stupid of a question that was.
“No! I don’t want to go home,” she said, sobbing again.
Damn it, I thought to myself. I hated when I had stupid moments.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I meant, can she take you home with her?”
“Yes,” she said. “She’s on her way here. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so scared and depressed. I can’t believe this.”
“You’ll be just fine,” I said. “I’m going to call work and let them know what’s going on. Then I’m going to come to you.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” she said. “I know you’re so busy, and you’ve been through a lot lately yourself.”
“Are you serious right now? No. I’m fine. Caleb was my cousin. You were the best wife any of us could ever have imagined for him. You don’t need to be alone right now. I need to be there for you and for him. Let me figure this out. I’ll call you right back, okay?”
“Thank you,” she said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
We said our goodbyes and I sat my phone on the bed next to me. I sat up then, my eyes wide as I stared blankly at the comforter.
“Elizabeth,” Jax said. “Are you alright?”
His soft voice and the touch of his hand when he reached for mine was more than I could handle. I broke down in tears. There was so much going through my mind at that moment, and I had no idea how to handle it. He pulled me into his lap and held me.
“It’s okay,” he soothed. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“He was a go
od man,” I said. “We grew up together. We were best friends. We were more like siblings than cousins.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said.
“He’s dead. He killed himself. I didn’t know he was still having a hard time. Hell, his own wife didn’t. God, she is a mess. She’s such a good woman. They were trying to have a baby, the last that I heard, but were having problems.”
I began sobbing again. I felt so much hurt. I was hurt for her. For Caleb. For the world. The world lost a great man.
“I have to call Andi,” I said.
I grabbed my phone and unlocked it. At that moment, I realized just how shaky I was. I could hardly do anything on it.
“What’s wrong?” Andi asked. Like I had earlier, she knew that a call that late, especially from me, meant something was wrong.
“I need you to go to Fort Wayne with me,” I said.
“What?” she asked. “Fort Wayne? Why? Have you been crying?”
“My cousin, Caleb. He killed himself. Desi is still at the hospital. She’s waiting on her mom to come and pick her up. I can’t drive. I’m going to lose it and I don’t want to wreck. Please go with me.”
I heard her sigh. “Elizabeth,” she said. “I know that I can get you the time off. This is big, and I’m so sorry, but you know how short staffed we are. I can afford you leaving for a few days, but not both of us. This place would fall apart, you know that.”
She was right. I hadn’t been thinking when I asked her. The new nurses would be there in a few days, but they had to have a proper orientation and need to be monitored by the entire staff, not just one or two. Andi was always the one dealing with the students and trainees. If she left, too, the place really would fall apart.
“I know,” I said. “I just can’t go alone. I don’t know what to do. I feel so awful.”
I started crying again. I felt helpless in that moment. I wanted to go and be with Desiree and the rest of my family right then, but if I left I’d be a mess and risk an accident.
“I’ll take you,” Jax said.
I looked up to see him give a soft, sad smile.
“Who’s that?” Andi asked.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, ignoring her.
“I’m not going to let you argue. I can call my boss and tell him what’s going on. He’s a great guy. Don’t worry about it. I’m taking you,” he said, his voice final.
“Seriously,” Andi said. “Who is that?”
“It’s Jax,” I answered. “Don’t say a word. It’s not like that.”
“Well, its 3 AM. What am I supposed to think?” she asked.
“You’re not supposed to think anything. Thank you, Andi, for helping with getting me the time off. If you need anything from me, just let me know. I’m going to pack some things and get going.”
“Please be careful. I’m worried about you. Let him take care of you, if he wants. You don’t need to be alone, and I’m so sorry that I can’t be there with you. Just be nice to him,” she said.
“I’ll be nice. Sheesh. Try to have a good night,” I said.
“I will. Text me every hour until you get there. I just want to know you made it okay.”
“Okay, Mom,” I said.
She laughed and we said our goodbyes. I felt a bit better after having talked to her. I knew she’d get everything worked out at the hospital so that I’d be free for a few days. I wasn’t quite sure what kind of situation I’d be walking into once I got to Fort Wayne, but I assumed it would take a few days to get everything together.
Jax held me for a few more minutes after another crying fit hit me. He was so kind and compassionate. He even rocked me a bit as I sat in his lap. The action of it made me think of him as a whole. Not just as an extremely attractive man. Not just as a kind man, but as a potential partner and how he would be later on as a father. That was something that I could never see in Kevin, but then again… Kevin was never a real man either. Not in the ways that it actually counted anyway.
Chapter Twelve
The drive to Fort Wayne was long and miserable. Six hours in a vehicle and almost the entire time was spent either on phone calls or on the internet making arrangements. It was terrible. Desi was still a mess, and I had no idea what to do for her. I loved her so much, but what could a person really do in a situation like that? I felt like nothing was enough, though she was very kind and appreciative and begged everyone not to make a big fuss over her. Show patience, love, and do whatever was asked; that was what I set out to do.
Jax had been wonderful. He drove the entire way with no complaint. He held my hand when I became teary and let me pick radio stations, which was nice. Other times he was just very quiet and let me deal with what I had to over the phone, or just sit in silence as I thought about everything and nothing at the same time. I loved Andi dearly, and she was my best friend, but at that moment, Jax was everything to me.
When we arrived, everything was chaotic. There were family members everywhere. Mine. Hers. People that I’d known my whole life, and people I’d never seen or heard of before. I didn’t like crowds, but I managed to push through. The one bonus to all the craziness was the food.
So… much… food…
I was in heaven.
“Is there anything that I can help with?” I asked Lana, Desi’s mom.
“No, sweetheart. Desi is still a mess. She’s been waiting on you. If you could get her into a shower and help her get relaxed, that would be great. She’s barely said a word since she got off the phone with you the last time. She went to be alone, which isn’t really possible in a house full of this many people. She’s in my room. I have some pajamas in my dresser that she can wear. Help yourself to whatever you both need.”
My heart sank. It was worse than I thought. Lana was amazing, though. She was a great mom.
“I can do that,” I said.
I turned to Jax. He was standing there with a calm, collected expression. He’d also been ready to help if needed, and that warmed my heart. The girls seemed to love him. It made my heart happy. Even though he and I weren’t a couple, it still felt good to show up with someone that was immediately liked.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m going to have to leave you for a little bit. I know it’s probably uncomfortable, given that you don’t really know anyone.”
He smiled. “Do what you have to, gorgeous. I will be fine. I’m the last person that you need to be worrying about, okay?”
Without really thinking about it, I leaned up and gave him a kiss. It was a simple, sweet kiss, but it felt right. It felt nice. I flashed a smile in his direction before heading off to track down Desi. It was hell navigating through the dozens of people at her house. Members of my family that I hadn’t seen in years were there and all wanted to talk and cry over Caleb. To be honest, I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I only wanted to get to Desiree and help her do anything that I could to make her feel more relaxed.
“Desi,” I said, knocking gently on the door. “Are you in here?”
I heard light sniffling. “Yeah.”
I opened the door and saw her sitting on her mom’s bed. She was slouching with a pillow clutched to her chest. She was breaking my heart.
“It’s crazy down there, huh?” I asked, trying to avoid asking the most ridiculous opening question ever.
“Yeah,” she said. “There’s so many people here. It was nice at first, but then I just wanted to get away.”
As I got closer to her, I saw there was dried blood on her arms and her shirt. It had been hours. It took me six hours to get there. I wasn’t even sure what time Caleb had… I tried not to think about it. I was given a mission, and I accepted. Clearly, no one else had been able to get through to her.
I crossed the room and knelt in front of her. The full impact of what I was seeing destroyed me, but I did my best not to let it show. I placed my hands on her knees and she opened her eyes to look into mine.
“Honey,” I said softly. “It’s time.”
&nb
sp; She shook her head, her face wrinkling again as she started to cry.
“I don’t want to move,” she said.
“I know.” I reached up and wiped a stray tear from her makeup and blood smeared face. “I know you don’t want to move. I wouldn’t want to either, but that’s why I’m here. I’m here to help pick you up, and carry you through this. We have to clean you up. You can’t walk around like this. It’s only going to hurt you worse by seeing it.”
“I don’t want to be in there alone,” she said. “I don’t even want to be in here alone. I just didn’t want to be around that many people.”
“I’ll stand in there with you,” I said. “Would that be okay?”
She nodded. “Please.”
I stood and helped her do the same. She was so exhausted from the emotional stress that she could hardly stand. I all but carried her to the shower. I put her hands on the sink for stabilization as I undressed her. Touching her clothes made me sick. My stomach churned at seeing my beloved cousin’s blood on them. My heart was breaking, and I had no way of letting that go right then. I wanted to scream and hit things. I wanted to forget about all of it, but I couldn’t. Not yet.
When I got her undressed and into the shower, I threw her clothes in the bathroom trashcan and tied the bag.
“I’m going to grab your clothes and a towel, okay?” I said.
“Please don’t go!” she said from the shower, peaking her head out from behind the curtain.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “I just have to get your clothes. Otherwise you’ll freeze when you get out.”
“Oh,” she said, her voice barely a whisper then. “Okay.”
As soon as she closed the curtain, I snatched up the bag and ran out of the room, making my footsteps as light as possible. I all but leapt down the stairs, happy to find Jax at the base of them chatting up my family. He was charming and everyone seemed to be in love with him.
“Hi, beautiful,” he said. “How is everything going?”
“Good. Can’t talk. Have to get back.” I shoved the bag at him. “Take these and burn them.”
