“Then I truly almost lost her. She’s bleeding to death in my arms. And there’s nothing I can do for her. She’s in agony, and there’s nothing I can do. As I hold her, I pray to God, to the universe, to whatever’s listening, save her. Please. Save her. The world needs her. I need her. And it happened. She’ll live. Then she won’t talk to me. She won’t see me. She vanishes without a word. And I’m too wrecked to chase after her. I convince myself I was wrong: I don’t need her. I may even hate her. I know I hate how much she haunts me. How I miss her laugh. How she’s the only one who can make me laugh. How I miss bouncing ideas off her. How I can tell her anything and she understands me. Doesn’t judge me. Makes me better. And when I finally get the goddamn strength to go see her, she throws an ashtray at my head. Screams at me. She still doesn’t want me. But goddamn it, I need her. I need my partner. I need my best friend. And…I think she needs me. More than that, I think she wants me.
“But I can’t say it for her. Iris…I can’t say it for you. And I can’t say it first because if I’m wrong…I’ll lose you forever this time. I cannot take another rejection from you. I can’t. So either you say it or we can forget this conversation ever happened. I’ll beg and blackmail for the job in Madrid. Try to enjoy my pedicure. We’ll email on occasion. We’ll Facebook. When the sky truly starts falling we can rescue each other because I don’t think that can ever change, no matter how much I may want it to. I’ve tried and failed twice. We’ll always be friends.”
He took a step toward me, staring down into my teary eyes. “But goddamn it, we could be so much more, Iris. We can be happy. We deserve to be happy. So just say it. Say it. Please.”
“I’ll just screw it up,” I whispered, my voice trembling along with the rest of me. “Luke, I’ll ruin it.”
“No, you won’t,” he said with certainty. “Because I won’t let you any more than you’ll let me. We’re good apart. Decent. But we’ve proven time and again that together we’re fucking unstoppable. We’re better. So just say it, Iris. And don’t wait like I did. Because you may blink and we’re gone. And I don’t wish what I’ve been through, all the regrets, all the pain, on anyone, let alone my best friend.”
Instead of the kiss I expected, wanted, he simply turned his back on me and walked to the house without looking back. After all the torment I’d unintentionally inflicted on him since we met, it was fitting that he left me on the street, teary-eyed and speechless. It’s one thing to suspect it, another thing to hear it at a dinner party; it’s a fucking bomb when it comes from the man himself. I started walking again in the opposite direction because I couldn’t face him yet and didn’t know what else to do.
He was in love with me. And I’d never been more certain I was in love with him. I’d lost count of how many times I wanted to kiss him that day. Then why hadn’t I? Why didn’t I say the words before he walked away? Because I was in shock. Because it was all so complicated. Because we had such history. Because my feelings for him were tied to Hayden. Because it truly felt as if I’d be betraying my husband all over again by moving on with the man I cheated on him with. Because I truly didn’t think I deserved him. Because…I was a coward who didn’t think she deserved to be happy no matter what he said. Because this was the rest of my life. I must have walked a mile playing every angle, weighing every option, and I still had no idea what I’d do next.
I had turned down our block, growing more nauseous with each step, when I saw Luke’s car pull out of the driveway. My heart seized in my chest. Literally. The twenty minutes I was gone was too long. He was leaving. And it was my fault. I’d lost him. What the hell have I done? I wanted to crumple onto the sidewalk. I wanted to chase after him. I wanted to die. Another moment I knew my life had irrevocably changed. “No!” I gasped. I began running toward the house, but the car came my way and slowed down. He rolled down the window.
“Luke, I—”
“Get in. Now,” he said.
“What—”
“Get in!” he ordered, his voice booming.
I suddenly grew terrified for a wholly new reason. I obeyed and before I even got the door shut, he peeled away. He put his cellphone up to his ear. “Yeah, I found her. We’re on our way.”
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Keep us informed. We’ll be there soon.” He hung up.
“Luke?” I snapped.
“That was Joyce. She tried your cell, but…there was a call to 911. Someone reported a possible rape/murder at a farm near The Apex. The officers watching The Apex had to respond. They got there and discovered it was a false report. When they returned to The Apex…there was smoke. The farmhouse is on fire. That’s all anyone knows right now. Everyone’s on their way—fire department, Hancock…”
I’d stopped comprehending what he was saying after he used the word fire. It was as if I’d left my body. I couldn’t cope. I had to be away. I barely even felt his hand take mine. “Iris? Iris.” Luke squeezed my hand so hard it brought me back. “We don’t know anything right now, okay? We—”
“No, we do,” I said, quickly drifting away again. “I killed them. I killed all those people.”
Chapter 17
We could spot the smoke a mile away. We hadn’t even turned down the dirt road to get to the driveway before we could see the black and gray cloud over the fence and trees, tarnishing the beautiful twilight sky. I’d been numb the whole ride, just staring straight ahead and waiting for Luke to take the intermittent phone calls from the sheriff. Updating us wasn’t high on his list of priorities what with the three-alarm fire and trying to make sense of what had happened. The fire department arrived ten minutes after our call from Joyce. The three fire trucks, all Grey County had, had an uphill battle with no hydrants and a house made entirely of wood. When we pulled up to the now open chain-link gate, all three trucks were spraying the fires of hell. Every inch of that house was engulfed in high flames that singed your skin from fifty yards away. Only about half the house remained standing but consumed in flames. Even before we reached the gate, we could see that smoldering pieces of debris lay scattered like shrapnel. There’d been an explosion.
I could only stare at the carnage, barely breathing. A small blessing because even in the car I could smell it. I’d been to casualty fires only twice, but there was a stench you never forget. Human flesh on fire is equal parts sweet and disgusting. All the first responders had covered their faces with masks, I was sure in part to block that aroma. That scent follows you into your nightmares.
Everyone was too busy to pay us much mind. Agent Carmichael sat in his car half in and half out, with his head hung, as the firemen worked around him. All other officers combed the property for survivors. They never found any, just the livestock. At least he’d spared the animals.
I was in such shock, I didn’t realize we’d stopped or that I was climbing out of Luke’s car or that Luke was suddenly by my side as I sprinted toward Carmichael. The agent continued staring down at his hands, and it wasn’t until I was a few feet away from him that I realized he held something in them. A piece of paper in an evidence bag.
“Agent Carmichael,” Luke said.
The man gazed up, his face as blank as mine. He was in shock too. “What are you doing here?” he asked, emotionless.
“What’s going on? What do we know?” Luke asked, going into default mode, all business.
“I…” He just handed Luke the paper, then hung his head again. “It was in an envelope on the front gate.”
Their last words.
The universe is good, the universe is kind, always trust its will. All we wished to do on this plane was be together, to worship the universe, and each other. But The Man wouldn’t let us. He seeks to destroy us. To tear us apart. We will not let him. We are too pure for this world as it is now. Tonight we all join the universe in its purity, as one. This is not death, as energy can never die. We are one now. May our energy help purify your world. You’re welcome.
The signatures began on
the first page and continued on the back. Mathias. Helen. Paul. Chantal. Megan. Betsy. Ken.
Billy.
I left my body again. I barely heard Carmichael explaining they thought all forty-two people were in the house as the gas leaked through it and somehow ignited. The firefighters also smelled gasoline, so the house may have been doused just in case the explosion didn’t complete the job. I stared down at the ground and it took me a moment to realize there was a smoldering human arm not five feet away. The bile suddenly rose and I turned around, running back to Luke’s car before throwing up by the wheel. I didn’t want to look at that house, that man; I wanted to vanish into a black hole and never return. I vaguely knew that someone held my hair as I threw up the second time. That I was sobbing. That my legs gave out and I collapsed against something warm and hard, the same thing that wrapped its arms around me as we slid to the ground. It petted my head and kissed my forehead as my body sobbed and sobbed into its shoulder. The same dissociation only ever happened once before, as I watched my husband’s head explode, and I executed his killer. Sometimes a person can feel too much and has to go away.
I sort of watched my body from a distance as the tears subsided enough so I could breathe. Luke whispered, “I’m getting you out of here,” before picking my body up like he would a bride and carrying it to the passenger side of his car. If I were in my right mind I would have been mortified at this act, but I don’t think I even really noticed. It was as if I blinked and suddenly we were driving down a road as Luke practically screamed, “Iris? Iris!”
He sounded so terrified, I had to come back. I wished to God I hadn’t. My whole body was heavy, my throat burned and stomach ached, but the worst was the sadness and the guilt filling my every cell. My tears hadn’t stopped. In fact, now that I was back in my body they became sobs again. Hard sobs where I couldn’t breathe. No air would enter my lungs. “Iris? Iris, breathe,” Luke ordered. I couldn’t. Only the sobs came out, then the chokes. Terror momentarily overshadowed the guilt and sadness. It was literally killing me.
Luke jerked the wheel onto the side of the road and stopped the car. I still couldn’t breathe. “Iris? Iris…” He hurried out of the car and ran to the passenger side, opening the door, kneeling down, and pulling me into another embrace. Before I could stop myself, I hugged him back. Held on to him as if that black hole were actually coming to destroy me. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’ll all be okay.”
After a few seconds, it was as if he’d given me part of his strength. I could breathe again. I took a deep, choking breath. Another. The sobs lessened enough for me to choke out, “I killed them. I killed them.”
“No, you didn’t,” he whispered, hugging me even tighter. “Iris, you didn’t.”
“If I hadn’t…I started it…I knew he’d…”
“Look at me, Iris. Look at me.” Luke pushed me far enough away that I could see his hard, fierce face. “You warned them. You told them what to do and they refused to listen.”
“But I started this. I walked in…I put him on edge…”
“No. Whether it was now or when the DEA came out of the shadows, Mathias was never going to be taken alive. He was never going to let people take his control away. And you did everything you could to stop this.” He hugged me again. “Don’t you dare blame yourself. This is on Mathias and Mathias alone.”
“All those people…Billy…” I sobbed.
“We don’t know what happened, okay? We don’t know anything for sure. But you need to be strong, okay? For yourself. For your family. And I’m here. I’m here. Always. Forever. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
How could he be? How could he still love me after this night? After what I’d let loose? God himself could have told me I wasn’t to blame and I wouldn’t have believed Him. I felt as if I’d lit the match myself. I’d opened Pandora’s box. If I hadn’t come to town, hadn’t invaded their lives, those women and men, including my brother, would still be alive. Happy in their ignorance. Why hadn’t I left them alone? Why was this happening?
Luke’s phone began to ring and I pulled away from him in surprise. Separated from him I began to tremble. My strength left me. He glanced at the phone’s display. “It’s…your grandparents.”
“Oh, God,” I said, doubling over. “I can’t. I can’t.”
“I’ll tell them, okay? I’ll do it.” He stood and walked away, down the road, so I couldn’t hear the words. Their sobs and shrieks. I just sat rocking back and forth, half in and half out of the car, watching Luke’s face break as he broke my family’s hearts. I had to look away. I rested my head on my knees and rocked. They would hate me forever. They were right to.
“Iris?” Luke called a minute later. “We have to go. Your grandparents need you.”
“No. No…” I said desperately.
He grabbed my shoulders. “Iris, they need you.” He looked me square in the eye. “They need you. You have to be strong, okay? They need you to be strong.”
“I can’t. I can’t,” I wept.
“Of course you can,” he said with certainty again. “You can and you will.”
Even now he had faith in me. I could believe because he believed. It was enough for my tears to subside. I gave a little nod and wiped the tears from my cheek. “Okay. Okay.”
He gave me a quick peck on the lips and stood to get back in his seat. I spun in my seat and straightened up. I could be strong. I had to be strong. We started driving back to Grey Mills in relative silence. I did my best to wall away my emotions again. They needed me. I couldn’t let them down. Not again. “What did they say?” I asked a mile down the road.
“They asked questions. They…Your grandmother was crying. They do need you, Iris. And you need them.”
“They don’t hate me?” I whispered.
“Of course not,” he said desperately. “Iris, this is not your fault. It’s not. I am going to say that a million times until you believe me. This is not your fault.”
I hung my head again. “I-I knew he was capable of this, but…how could he? I-I-I should have stressed how important surveillance was. I—”
“You did. You told them not to question Helen. Not to go in guns blazing. You tried to get the man away from them. You exposed him for what he was. There is nothing more you could have done, Iris. We can’t force people to do the right thing. The obvious thing. Wives return to abusive husbands. People do drugs after they’ve OD’d. All we can do, all anyone can do, is open people’s eyes and be there when they’re finally ready to own their mistakes. Support them as they rebuild. But they have to want the change. To take the risk. And if they’re not willing to do that, they lose out on this beautiful world. And that—all of this tonight—is just a waste. A tragedy. Especially when it doesn’t have to be.”
He wasn’t just talking about the people at The Apex, though he may not have known it himself. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn’t say them. Any bravery and strength I had left me with Joyce’s phone call. What little remained I needed for my family. I didn’t matter. We drove in silence the rest of the way to town. It was so quiet in the car that when my cellphone rang, I practically jumped out of my skin. I didn’t even know it was there. Luke must have grabbed my purse before he left the house. I bent down to get it. I had ten missed calls, most from the station and my grandparents. One was from a ghost, the same ghost calling me right then. I had to blink a few times to clear my eyes, but the display never changed. I accepted the call. “H-Hello?”
“Iris?” Billy whispered.
I let out a choking gasp at the sound of his voice. Luke glanced over at me. “What?”
“B-Billy?” I could barely get out.
“Iris, I can’t talk long. I—” he whispered.
“Billy? Are you okay?” I cried. “Are you okay?”
“Put it on speaker,” Luke said. I did.
“I’m fine. I’m in the bathroom. They’ve been watching me like a hawk.”
“Where are you? Are
you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. No. Iris, I had no idea what they were planning until we got here. He put a gun to my head and made me. I-I don’t know what to do. I—”
“Billy, stop. Stop. Who are you with? Where are you?” Luke asked.
“I’m at Grey Manor. It’s Ken and Mathias. And Betsy. Just before dinner B-Betsy wanted us to go for a drive. W-We went down an old access road to get away from everyone. We were talking, then…kissing, wh-when we heard an explosion. She was driving us back when we found Ken and Mathias literally running toward us. Th-They jumped in the car, but she turned back the way we came. I-I-I started begging her to go to the house, I-I was screaming, and Ken pistol-whipped me. Then Betsy was screaming at him, and I was nauseous and…I-I still am. They think I’m throwing up now. Ke-Ken’s right outside the door.”
“And you’re at Grey Manor?” I asked.
“Th-They have our father…E-Elliot. I-I think Betsy’s watching Judith and the maid. They made me use the call box. I told Elliot what they told me to, that I had to see him. Th-That I knew about the tax fraud. He opened the gate when we got to the door, and they forced us inside. They have guns. Even Betsy.”
“How many?” Luke asked.
“Uh, one each.”
“Where’s Betsy? The others?” I asked.
“Betsy’s downstairs in the study, I think. Ke-Ken’s outside the door, and Mathias is with Elliot in his office. He-He’s making him transfer two million into some account. I don’t—”
There was a pounding over the phone, and I almost leapt out of my seat. “Hurry the fuck up!” Ken shouted.
Billy made a vomiting noise. “Just a sec!” he called back. “Iris?” he whispered.
“Leave the phone on and hide it again. I’ll be able to hear you. We’re calling the police. We’re on our way, Billy. Stay calm. I’m coming. I’m coming and I am right here with you, sweetie,” I said, my voice trembling along with the rest of me. “I’m not leaving you.”
“I’m sorry, Iris,” he said. “I’m so—”
Darkness at the Edge of Town Page 31
