“Are you saying that you believe that not everything can be explained with science?” she said, her gaze locked on Derrick with an intensity unparalleled.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying, and I feel crazy just saying it but I think it’s true.”
Kaila shook her head. “If you’re in here then you are crazy, but that’s not the point now is it? There is a definite line between being crazy and reading the clues, and it sounds like you read the clues that you were given. If that’s the case why would it be crazy and moreover what is wrong with crazy? Those that call us crazy are the ones who live a life attached to a piece of paper called money. Now that in my opinion, is the true definition of crazy. What you are describing is not.”
Derrick leaned against the plastic back of the chair. A little of the tension that had tightened his jaw a few minutes before had released. He looked vulnerable.
“I was a dick when you asked me about predicting because…”
He shrugged. “I guess I’ve been keeping it a secret for so long I didn’t know how to let it all out.”
“Do you think it’s because you’re a genius? Like more of your brain works and you can get more information from the universe. I read this thing once that said that all the answers that we need are all around us, but only some people can somehow pull the answers out,” Pauline said.
All remnants of anger had drained away after Derrick’s candid admission.
“I don’t know, half of the reason that I went into medicine was so I could try to figure it out, because I need to understand why I know stuff that I have no reason knowing and…”
“Einstein was supposed to be clairvoyant,” Kaila said.
Derrick cocked his head to the side, angling his eyes at Kaila in a way that said that he was interested.
"That's not exactly true, I know there are theories that he had some sort of extra abilities, hell even his brain was supposed to be abnormally large, but to believe that he was actually clairvoyant is a little fanciful."
Kaila’s spine stiffened. Hadn't she just thought the exact same word not long before? The idea that Derrick had randomly chosen to use that exact word to describe something not of science was most definitely unexpected. She leaned in closer to him, an act that was completely out of character for her.
Derrick shoved back against his chair, lengthening the distance between he and Kaila. He released an exaggerated sigh then skimmed his fingers through his spiky hair. The slim muscle of his bicep flexed with the move. He scratched his chin introspectively before he spoke again.
“I’m no Einstein, but I’d have to have rocks in my head not to be interested in him. I honestly didn’t care that much about him until I joined this dumbass group or club, whatever you want to call it, when I was like twelve. My parents thought it would help me assimilate with people, you know socialize with other geniuses. It was completely lame, a bunch of losers who had no idea about socializing at all, they were all pulled in tight and most definitely fucked up. The one bonus that came from the group though was that they practically worshiped Einstein, and not just for his science they were interested in the whole thing, about where his theories came from. There are a ton of geniuses out there, but most of them don’t actually come up with things like he did. It was uncanny how he just knew shit.
Anyway these assholes were almost like a cult in their obsession with every paper he wrote and every interview he gave, pretty much every single piece of information about him had them salivating. It was overkill, but it made me want to take a closer look… so I delved in, filled my mind with every detail of his work and theories and not the Theory of Relativity, I was more about why his brain functioned like it did. I wondered if like me, he had access to something that others didn’t, if his brain was more evolved, more electrons firing, picking up on energy waves… I don’t know.”
He shrugged as if everything he had just said was of no consequence.
“I’m rambling.”
Kaila pressed her breasts against the cafeteria table, drawn to Derrick in a way that she had never been drawn to another. Even Trillian was intrigued by him. They both knew there was so much more to him then what he allowed them to see.
“I’m out of here,” he said, getting to his feet.
And just like that he was all slick and evasive, as if he had been cloaked in a shroud of invisibility and had allowed a corner to flip up; just enough for Kaila to catch a glimpse of what was underneath. His shiny smile and smug expression said he didn’t give two shits, only Kaila now knew he did. And that thought alone was enough to hold her attention.
Like Norm, without even trying, Derrick had landed squarely on her radar; she would be watching him. Like a frog that needed to be dissected, Kaila was determined to uncover Derrick. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for, only that now she was looking.
CHAPTER 14
“And within the depths of every living soul is a magic, that which we can not perceive, but is there all the same. A place of knowing and being, that says we are in that space and time, where all that we think beyond us is in fact there in front of us, within our grasp. A message from the universe that says we are here, and in our hereness we make a choice that we can, or cannot, be something that we dream.
And the question I ask you dear reader is this, why are there those that can, and do, achieve that which seems unachievable, yet there are those that seem to contain all the tools that the prior possesses, yet they do not go to that level of being, where they connect with their highest dreams, their highest potential, and never find what the real world terms as success. How can two individuals, virtual twins in abilities, be so very different? Is it because one masquerades as though the dream has already become real, believing that they in fact, are everything they state they are? And does the other refuse to don that mask of that imagined reality, and therefore have not visualized that specific goal as being close at hand, but instead, far away. They do not think that it is merely waiting to be plucked from the cosmos at their discretion.
Are one or both paths set in stone? Does the vein of fate work through ones life, determining the path that a soul will tread, or is it pure will, a pushing, a decision to have that which they most desire. And here I must state what I believe to be true. I am sure that there will be those who feel me bereft of sense, but that matters little for I believe that some goals must be strode toward, a prize must be visualized, and must walk hand in hand with a knowing deep within your being that says that this belongs to you. Yet there are others, people who do all in their power, seemingly more than the former, as they reach and pull and pluck at that unyielding fruit, that thing that encompasses their very meaning in this world, in this existence. And after they have tried and failed more times than they can decipher, they finally loosen the grip on that reality, that moment that they felt would make them whole, and when they do, they see the error of their ways. They see that the dream that they had envisioned for themselves was too small, a drop in a colossal bucket that might contain a fullness that would never have been achieved unless they had released their hold. Unless they had allowed those sweaty fingers to release their grip on a reality so much less than they were intended to have. Because it is in the letting go that the true rewards return, showering around them in an explosion of truth and understanding. They would soon see that if in fact they had achieved the lesser, the greater would never have materialized, that without a slip, they would never have learned how to walk that icy slope that led to the peak of the mountain, where everything they had never dreamed, believing it was too lofty for them to manifest, was always theirs to own. Trillian.”
Kaila tapped the last words, satisfied that Trillian had actually finished her rant. If she was being honest, half the time Kaila didn’t actually understand even a quarter of what Trillian had written but at least knew when it was finished. It was true that she comprehended bits and pieces, slips of information that most people would glean with little effort, but not much more th
an that, not the depths of the meaning. Most days though, she felt as if she were merely a conduit, a physical being that connected Trillian to the outside world.
Sometimes, Kaila wondered if Trillian would tire of her and move on to another person; find someone more suitable to write what Trillian termed Musings of the Universe. Even the title that Trillian had chosen seemed so much more scholarly than Kaila felt, and it made it all the more odd that Trillian had chosen her at all.
Derrick’s image floated unbidden into her mind. Kaila couldn’t help but think how much more suitable Derrick would have been to satisfy Trillian’s desires. If she someday decided to share the writings with him, Kaila believed that Derrick would most likely have been able to decode the meaning with ease.
The frustration she felt about what she now thought of as her stupidity and daftness, was new. When it came to her mind and her intelligence, Kaila had never felt less than. In her twenty-five years she had probably read and studied more information than the average person would have in a lifetime. Being locked away in Wildwind had given her a definite advantage over the regular population, who had to slog away at a job that sucked hours of their life away, in their quest to provide and survive.
Kaila had never had to worry about the necessities of life, never had to concern herself with money, what it could buy and how much she needed to live her life because all of that had been provided. She understood the monetary system and its importance but in truth had never really given much credence to the process of making a dollar. Having everything provided for her was a gift in a way, but also a curse. Despite never having to be concerned about how things were paid for, she had lost something that most people that weren’t her took for granted, she had lost her freedom.
For as long as she could remember she had been locked away in Wildwind, and though she like to imagine that she could come and go as she pleased, run in sweet scented meadows, marvel at the world that was constantly breathing and creating all around her, it wasn’t true. She was a prisoner like every other patient in the facility; the fence that enclosed the grounds confirmed that. And though there were those who would eventually be released back into the real world, Kaila would not.
There were so many things that she would never have and do, and on Blue days, days when a thick curtain of black seemed to slide down over her, cupping her in an envelope of sadness, she grieved. She mourned for the man she would never marry, the house she would never own, and the child she would never bear. Thankfully for Kaila though, Blue days were sporadic and fleeting. But when they did come, it was difficult to see anything good in existence, as if the powers that be had wasted their time the day they had created her, as if her whole being was one huge mistake.
On those days Blue wasn’t just a little it was everything, where the colors dimmed to grey and the smells became fainter, where everything that she imagined to be her life became a dream that had never truly come into reality. Today was a Blue day, one that she found relief in disappearing away from. It was easy to allow Trillian to take control, but oddly on those days when she felt her worst, when she was more than willing to float into oblivion, Trillian grew elusive, hesitant to come forward.
Kaila could feel Trillian’s skittishness, like a spooked animal scared to come into the light in the event that something horrible happened to it. For this very reason Kaila hadn’t wasted any time reading comments and had gotten right to blogging. Trillian had been hyper-efficient; zipping in only long enough to write her piece then had slipped away as rapidly. Kaila was left feeling almost gypped.
Based on the fact that no one had arrived yet to clean the games room, Kaila knew she had more time left. She didn’t care about much at that moment but being a creature of habit, she adhered to her routines. That meant that she had some time left before she went to the next part of the day.
Hoping to waste some time, she sifted through the smattering of new comments, reading some, floating over others until her eyes came to rest on yet another infinity symbol. Despite not feeling very interested in much of anything, her heart leapt at seeing it. What was even more exciting, that gave her a jolt of happiness that was close to enough to zap her out of her Blue mood, were the words typed beside the symbol. There were only a few, but somehow the simplicity meant more than if someone had typed several pages of text.
“It is in the unfolding that we know the truth ∞”
Kaila studied the line, counting each word, reading the sentence aloud a few times. She wondered if Infinity, as she now called this person, had realized that the sentence had been exactly ten words long. And that if she added the symbol, counting it as a word, then it would equate to eleven which in numerology standards was a Master number, meaning it couldn’t be reduced to one number. She wanted to believe that this person had known that, and had calculated everything just exactly so. But despite being thrilled to have more from Infinity, it still wasn’t enough. She had always loved to solve puzzles. In her mind this was just another puzzle, one unfortunately that had several pieces missing.
It was then that she spotted the single strand of her wavy hair that had made its way to the light wood table that she had been working on. She gasped, staring at what could only be described as fascinating, because for some unknown reason that individual strand had twisted in on itself into the squiggly shape of an infinity symbol. One more time a symbol that had never crossed her path prior had appeared unbidden to her.
The scientific part of her knew that she might have been reading more into the symbol than was actually there. Had, in fact, the symbol for infinity been all around her well before she had taken notice? Had she been walking casually by this particular message every day oblivious to it, too bent on keeping to her routine, or had it never been there before now? Even so, she wondered if there was something important that the universe was attempting to convey to her at that very moment.
She had no idea which scenario best fit the circumstances, only that she would not allow any clues, no matter how minute they might seem, to slip through her fingers. She was now on high alert, until she wasn’t. She loved a mystery and until it was proven to be otherwise, she was going to treat it as such.
Kaila felt, more than saw, that someone had entered the games room. It was a cue that her time was up. She snapped her computer shut, stood and spun to face who she expected was Belinda, but who actually turned out to be Derrick. He had been too engrossed in the thick stacks of paper that he was busily flipping through, as he hobbled forward on his walking cast that he hadn’t seemed to notice that she was even there. Kaila noted that he had changed from before. His hair was spiked and gelled with care, his maroon t-shirt clean and wrinkle free, a pair of dark blue jeans, crisp and freshly washed, finished his look.
Kaila had to admit that Derrick was one of the few patients in Wildwind who actually seemed to care about his appearance. It was true that Pauline was usually dressed stylishly with make-up and the trimmings, but even she had her off days. Those days she loped around in too-baggy clothing, foundation and mascara free with her hair in desperate need of a brush. Derrick’s need to be dolled up in a place like Wildwind seemed odd to Kaila. Since she had no real experience outside of the facility, she reasoned that this over-concerned desire to be exactly so might be commonplace in the outside world.
A cloud of spicy cologne wafted toward her and she instinctively plugged her nose, a feat that she was capable of achieving by somehow blocking her nasal passages without even having to touch her nose. Kaila despised anything that smelled too much. In her opinion the scent of too much aftershave, was just as unsavory as the stench of week old garbage that had been baking in the sun.
“What are you reading?” she asked, keenly interested in what Derrick might find so interesting that he would fail to even notice her in his midst.
Derrick’s head popped up. He appeared startled and was rapidly tucking the papers under his arm, as if worried that Kaila might discover one of his deepest secrets. This act made he
r interest fully bloom.
“Nothing,” he said abruptly.
His tone indicated that Kaila wasn’t permitted to ask any further questions. Instead of taking it as a warning, Kaila read his discomfort as an invitation. Mysteries were like a juicy worm dangling in front of a famished fish, irresistible. She narrowed her eyes in a suspicious stare that relayed unambiguously, that she wasn’t even close to drawing back from this query.
“What is written on the papers under your arm?” she said, posing a question that was much more difficult to squirm away from.
“Words,” Derrick said with a smirk.
Kaila’s breath caught at his quick uptake. How easily he had fallen into stride with her, answering, yet not.
“And what subject would those words detail?” Kaila said, exhilaration running through her as she took up the gauntlet that Derrick had tossed her way.
“Ahh, now that is a question,” Derrick said.
His smile was wide and easy like a person who hadn’t a care in the world, though Kaila knew that wasn’t in the least bit true. Derrick had many cares; it was why he was a patient at Wildwind. It was why most people came to Wildwind; it was in the caring that the hurting came.
She had seen it too many times not to notice. All patients came in for different reasons, but despite the multitude of labels that were given to patients, the underlying reason was all the same, caring. People cared about what others thought about them, or didn’t think about them. They cared about how they looked, if they were too fat, too skinny, ugly or not brilliant, it was in the caring about what the mass populace thought about you that set people crazy.
Kaila had figured out this gem of information many years ago, but it had seemed that the staff and doctors that ran the place weren’t privy to this same truths, nor the simplicity of them. She expected it was because they had too many books written by people who were authorities on so many matters. These authors had done all the legwork and research, so the doctors who came after didn’t need to think much, only to read what was already a known fact. Kaila didn’t agree with this sentiment. In her estimation this absolute trust in a person you had never before met, who might not even still be alive, might have been flawed.
Be in the Real Page 10
