I nodded. I knew that and I got it, but it didn’t change anything, not for me.
She was waiting for me to speak. To say something. Anything. I saw the hope in her eyes, and I saw the fear.
The difference between us is that she might feel fear but she wanted to act anyways. She wanted to throw caution to the wind and take a chance on us.
And I should have been grateful, I knew that. Because she was beautiful and smart and kind and loving and better than anything I deserved. But that’s exactly why I had to be smart for both of us. She was all those things but she was also innocent. She had no idea how this could end or how much it could hurt when it did.
And it would. I didn’t know how to stick around anymore than my dad did. Anymore than my mom did. Oh, she’d never left me and Gina, but when the going got tough in any relationship we were on the next bus to New Town, USA.
So while I admired Juliette and her bravery, I also understood the consequences. I had to protect us both from a mistake.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
It wasn’t enough.
My chest just about collapsed at the sight of her hurt and her disappointment. But it was better this way. It was better than getting close and then hurting her when I inevitably let her down.
Her gaze dropped down to my hands and we sat there in silence for a moment. I had to bite my tongue to keep from taking back the words. With a few words I could make her smile again, I could give myself the happy ending I so wanted with this girl.
But I held myself back. I knew how insane people could be when they fell in love—I’d witnessed it firsthand often enough—so I had to trust my rational decision. The one I’d made two schools ago when I’d realized that me and my family didn’t have the same gene that the others seemed to have…the one that led to commitments and stability and happily ever afters.
“I’m sorry too,” she said.
When she got up to walk away, I felt something shift inside. Corny as it might sound, I’m pretty sure my heart was leaving with her.
Chapter Eleven
Juliette
I texted Connor the next morning and told him that I wanted him to keep tutoring me as long as he was okay with it.
I know, I know. I was a masochist. But after I’d cried my eyes out and then sobbed on Aubrey’s shoulder for a while, I was able to get a little perspective. That night I lay in bed and thought about everything that had happened. My opening up to the team, Connor’s brutal rejection…what I realized this was. There was nothing I could do about Connor. I mean, I’d put myself out there. I’d made it clear just how much I cared for him. I’d told him point blank what I wanted.
And he didn’t want the same.
That broke my heart. I finally understood that saying because it literally felt like my heart had broken into little pieces.
But much as I wanted to wallow, I’d also made a promise to my teammates that I would do whatever it took to get my grades up and stay on the team, not to mention head to senior year along with the rest of my class. And like it or not, I was getting results working with Connor.
Because he got me.
Yeah, no, I wasn’t letting myself go there. It didn’t matter why we worked well together, all that mattered was that we worked. So on Thursday morning I sent a text and he got back to me quickly saying that of course we could still work together.
Of course. Because there’s nothing at all awkward about being tutored by the guy who rejected me after I’d basically handed him my heart.
Nope, not weird at all. After practice, the girls rallied around me. Their support honestly made me wonder why I hadn’t been open with them before. Much as I liked to tell myself that my intentions were noble, there was a little part of me that had to admit that I’d been protecting my pride as much as anything.
“You don’t have to go to Connor’s,” Aubrey said. “I’m sure we could find someone else to help you.” She seemed to be the biggest opponent of my tutoring game plan. I didn’t think it had as much to do with Connor as it did her horror at witnessing my epic meltdown. I’d never been super close with Aubrey and Stephanie but we’d gotten closer in a weird way ever since they’d confronted me. I guess I was starting to realize that by keeping them at arm’s length with my problems, I’d been keeping them at arm’s length, period.
I mean, who could relate to someone they thought was perfect?
But now…well, now no one thought I was perfect. I’d heard some whispers in the hall. I knew that rumors had spread about me…about the grades and about my makeout session with Connor.
But I didn’t care. I honestly didn’t care. There was a certain relief that came with knowing my secret failures were out there. And yes, I totally counted my non-relationship with Connor as a failure. I’d been so sure that he would choose me. Maybe I’d been too naïve. Maybe I should have talked to my friends first, all of whom had more experience with guys than I did. Maybe I should have…
Oh hell, I didn’t know.
I’d done what I’d thought was best at the time and now…well, now I guess I still thought it was for the best. I wasn’t a big fan of ultimatums, but in this case there was no compromise. Not for me, anyway.
I changed slowly after practice, not at all eager to face Connor again. But I’d have to get this over with eventually, right? I’d avoided him at school today but I was determined not to be a wuss any longer, and that meant not scurrying through the halls like I was in witness protection or something.
I was not the one who should be hiding. I’d been brave. Or at least, that’s what I tried to tell myself. Maybe I had been brave, but rejection was still rejection and it hurt my pride almost as much as my heart. I shoved my dirty clothes into a bag. It was humiliating on top of heartbreaking. God, I was pathetic.
“I put the word out that you need a new tutor,” Stephanie said, her voice optimistic and sweet.
I was still facing the locker as I cringed. “You put the word out?” Wonderful. Now there was no doubt that everyone knew the full extent of my failures. “Did you tell them why I need a new tutor?”
“No,” she said quickly. “Not exactly.”
I turned to face her with wide pleading eyes. Please, please tell me you didn’t inform the entire school that I’d been rejected. It was bad enough she’d told everyone I was failing.
She gave me an apologetic look. “Some people asked.”
I slammed my locker door shut with a sigh.
“Sorry,” she called after me.
“It’s fine.”
It was fine. Totally fine. Everything was super fine. My reputation was slowly circling the drain, the guy I’d actually started to think I was falling for had just stomped on my heart, and now I was heading to his place so he could teach me math.
Yup. Everything was super fine.
When I showed up at his place, Gina answered the door. At least she seemed happy to see me. She led me to the dining room—the nicely public room that was very definitely not his bedroom and where he already had a work station set up for us.
Right. Point taken. No hanky panky for us. Which was good. I was glad we were on the same page.
That didn’t stop my heart from taking a nosedive toward my feet. I guess maybe, just maybe, I’d been holding out hope that he’d changed his mind. That I’d show up to find him on his knees begging for a shot to be with me.
God, I was pathetic.
Maybe I’d gotten it all wrong. I’d been so sure that this chemistry between us meant something. That the connection and the way we clicked was something rare and precious.
But maybe it happened to Connor all the time. Maybe it happened to everyone all the time and that’s why people were always dating, switching from one partner to the next like we were at a ho-down. Maybe I truly was the weirdo here because it was the first and only time I’d ever felt anything like it.
“Hey.”
His low voice coming from the doorway had me spinning around.
C
rap. He looked good. Well, he looked the same. But the same looked good. He wore a black T-shirt that showed off his tattoos and his biceps. His longish hair was a mess and in his face. He wore that brooding scowl that I’d started to love. Not just because he was freakin’ sexy when he was brooding, but because I could make him smile.
I loved his smile, almost as much as I loved his laugh.
He hovered in the doorway for a moment too long and I knew he was just as uncomfortable as I was.
Paranoia kicked in. What if he thought I was here because I couldn’t let go? What if me wanting to keep these tutoring sessions made me look pathetic and—
I shut down that voice with a merciless silencer. I refused to overthink this. I needed help. He could help me. It was that simple.
I held up my well-read copy of The Physics of the Buffyverse with a forced smile. “Who wants to talk Buffy?”
A smile flickered over his lips. I’d surprised him.
Good.
He strolled in with his hands in his pockets. “I guess I do.”
I let my bookbag drop and fell into a seat. “Okay, so I read the book, and I think I get it. Most of it, at least.”
He nodded, all business. “What didn’t you get?”
I launched into my list of questions and we got to work. It was ridiculously easy. I mean, not the physics part. Even with the awesome Buffy examples and analogies I had to work to get some of the concepts. But I got there.
The easy part was being with Connor. We fell into these conversations, we made each other laugh. And underneath it all was the crackling tension. The good kind of tension. The kind that made me want to reach out and touch his hand where it rested on the table.
The kind that had me staring at his lips when I was supposed to be looking at a practice test.
I tore my eyes away. Not for the first time since we’d started I had to give myself a stern lecture. Worse, I had to remind myself of what happened just yesterday.
He’d said, “I’m sorry” in what might have been the lamest rejection of all time. I mean, I didn’t even get an “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. Although, maybe that would have been worse. And it was implied, I suppose.
After about an hour my phone dinged with a text message. I looked at it and sighed. “I’d better get going soon.”
“Hot date?”
I shot him a glance but he looked innocent. He was just teasing, he wasn’t really jealous. Of course he wasn’t. He’d made his choice, and it wasn’t me.
Yes, I have a hot date. What would he do if I said yes? I didn’t have it in me. I wasn’t a fan of mind games on the court, I sure as hell didn’t want to start with Connor. We had enough crap between us without that. So I told him the truth.
“I told my friend Aubrey I’d help her with the dance preparations.”
He nodded. “That’s right, your fundraiser is tomorrow, huh?”
“Yup.”
Silence. Sweet, awkward silence. Was he thinking what I was thinking? That if things had gone differently between us—and by that I mean, if he’d chosen to be with me rather than be the wuss that he was—that maybe we’d be going together. That maybe we’d be doing an actual couple thing together rather than sitting next to one another talking physics.
I glanced over.
No, that’s not what he was thinking. How do I know? Because what he was thinking was written all over his face. It was there in his dark gaze and in the way his eyes were fixed on my lips.
My breath caught in my throat and my chest twisted with an agonizing ache.
He wanted to kiss me. And I wanted to kiss him so badly it hurt. The unfairness of this situation made me so angry and so sad, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
“Don’t do that,” I said. Anger won out.
He blinked in surprise, his gaze coming up to meet mine.
I bit my lip and watched the emotions churning in his eyes. “You’re not allowed to look at me like that,” I said.
He jerked back as if I’d slapped him. “Sorry.”
“Don’t.” My throat felt too tight. “Don’t apologize either.”
Coming here had been a mistake. Keeping him as my tutor had been a mistake. I couldn’t be this close to him and not feel something.
And the worst part was, I knew without a doubt that the feeling was mutual.
He wanted me. Physically, yes, but also more. I knew he felt more for me than just lust. I couldn’t explain how I knew but I did. Just like I knew it was killing him to sit here and act like we were friends when we could have been so much more.
I pushed my chair back and came to stand so quickly I almost knocked the chair over in the process. I still had some pride, dammit. I wasn’t going to stay here a second longer because if I did I risked doing something truly pathetic—like crying in front of him. Or maybe even begging him to reconsider.
Neither of those were a good option.
He stood too and I saw him reach out toward me out of the corner of my eye but then he dropped his hand to his side. “Jules, I’m so—”
“I swear to God, if you say you’re sorry one more time…” I shook my head because I had absolutely no good threats that I could follow through on. I’d…what? Stop talking to him? Awfully hard to do when he was my tutor. I’d defriend him? He’d probably like that, it would make it easier for him to pretend that I didn’t matter.
He shoved his hands in his pockets, his dark, brooding gaze filled with so much emotion it hurt to look at him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I nodded. “I believe you,” I said. “But you did.”
He shifted, the tension between us growing unbearable. “I wish I knew what to say to make this right.”
I let out a little laugh even though this was so not funny. “Me too. But no amount of words are going to make me feel better.” I shrugged. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t. I’m not trying to be melodramatic but, it’s just…” The truth came tumbling out. “I’ve never liked anyone before. I’ve never put myself out there like that. I know I’m not perfect, but I still have my self-respect.”
He nodded like he understood. And maybe he did.
“And that’s why I need to keep my distance,” I said. “I’ll find another tutor. They probably won’t be as good, but I’ll have to take my chances.”
“I need you to know—” he started.
When he stopped I turned to face him, clutching my books to my chest. “What?”
“This wasn’t about you.”
I stared at him for a moment as I tried to process that. Was that his attempt at the it’s not you it’s me speech? Or was he just being honest? It sucked either way.
“That’s bull,” I said, surprising myself with the anger in my voice. I didn’t do anger, not often anyways and the rush of adrenaline made me feel sick. I swallowed down bile and licked my lips. “I’m sorry, but that’s total bull. If it’s not about me, who is it about? You? Don’t be so selfish. It’s about me and it’s about you. It’s about us. You made a decision that affects us, both of us. So yeah, damn straight it’s about me.”
His eyes were wide with surprise but he didn’t look offended. He ran a hand through his hair. “You’re right.”
“I know.”
“I’m an idiot.”
I rolled my eyes. “We both know that’s not true. You’re the smart one here, and you know it.” In fact, now everyone at school knew it too. Oh man, what was happening to me? To my life? Once upon a time I’d had it all. I’d been respected and admired and liked and had been totally at peace with the fact that I was single.
And now? Now my life had been flipped upside down. Everyone knew I was failing, and now they knew that I’d fallen for someone who didn’t want me. Now I didn’t even have a tutor to help me get my grades back on track so I was back to being dangerously close to failing.
He looked like he was about to protest, but I wasn’t done. It was time to reclaim some of that self-respect, dammit. I might not
like the way this all unfolded but at least I could hold my head up high. I liked a guy and I’d told him. There was no shame in that. I’d been honest for once and I was proud of it.
“You’re the smart one, but I’m the brave one. You might look the part of the tough guy, but tough and brave aren’t the same thing, just like getting bad grades isn’t the same as being dumb.” I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. “No one is perfect, Connor, and no one expects you to be. But that doesn’t mean you get to stop trying.”
I didn’t trust myself to talk anymore without crying so I headed toward the door, passing a stricken-looking Gina as I ran out.
I didn’t have the heart to stop and talk to her. Connor could explain why I was upset and why I wasn’t in the mood to chat.
The way I figured, it was the least he could do.
Chapter Twelve
Connor
“Where is she going?” Gina asked.
I ignored her, just like I’d ignored her the last few times she’d asked about Juliette. Why wasn’t she staying? Why hadn’t she stopped to talk? Where was she going?
She was going to be with her friends, with her teammates, at the school where she belonged. Everything about that answer was proof positive that I’d made the right decision.
Right?
I tried to focus on making Gina’s chicken strips the way she liked them, but it was hard to concentrate on anything other than Juliette when Gina insisted on talking about her.
“Is she coming back tomorrow?” Gina asked, undeterred by my silence.
“No. She’s not coming back.” Ever. I stood there frozen, afraid to wield a knife when the pain was so intense. She’d left and she wasn’t coming back.
This was what I’d wanted.
Wasn’t it?
Ugh, why was I rethinking everything now? Logic had left the building and suddenly I couldn’t tell up from down, let alone wrong from right.
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