Harder

by Ashcroft, Blue

  “I mean it. You’ve been a good friend to me. I want to be a good friend to you. I can’t be what you want me to be, but I can help you be with someone who can make you happy.”

  “And that would make you happy?” His eyes meet mine, and I swallow. Try anyway, since my throat is so dry all of a sudden that nothing is really going down.

  “Sure.” It’s such a huge lie that it literally hurts coming out. “Yeah.”

  He takes a deep breath, and exhales. I can still remember how his chest looked, bare in the moonlight. How much I wanted to touch it, run my hands over it. How can he look so much like a man, and yet not be a man to me?

  “And it would make me more comfortable around you, more okay with being friends. Because I’d know you’d given up on me. That I wasn’t holding you back from better things.”

  Another deep breath, another semi-sigh. He needs to stop doing that. It’s becoming almost endearing now.

  “Alright. So now what?”

  “I don’t know,” I say. “We go back to senior guarding together? Helping each other with homework, and forget all the kissing?”

  “I meant about Emily.”

  “Oh, I’ll have to think about it.” I’m sitting and waiting for him to get my door, because I’m used to him trying. But he doesn’t. Just friends for real I guess.

  I reach for the door. He sits up.

  “Oh, sorry.” He gets out and comes around the side to open it. Yeah it figures he would do that for his friends too.

  I get out and lean against the car door and look up at him. So handsome. So not me. “Even though the kissing was nice.”

  “Yeah it was. The one time it happened.”

  “Uh, well…” I look at the trees past him.

  “What?”

  “Um, about that…”

  Trees rustle around us with the breeze as he waits for me to speak. It’s a perfect day out here. Sunny but breezy and cool. Humid but not uncomfortable.

  “Ally?”

  “When you were passed out, we sort of kissed.”

  His perfect eyebrows raise. “We did?”

  “Yeah, I was sort of too close, checking you out, and then you accidentally pulled me onto you. I swear I wasn’t going to do anything though.”

  His eyebrows lower slightly and he bites his lower lip. So sexy. I need him to date someone else so I can stop thinking of him like this.

  “Sorry about that.”

  Now my brows raise. He’s sorry for kissing me? “It was my fault. Too close, like I said.”

  He takes a deep breath and looks to the side. I can’t read him right now. “Why were you too close?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Why?” He comes closer, and the hairs on my arm stand up. The air is warmer when he’s close, though he’s blocking the sunlight.

  “I don’t know. You’re hot? I mean, you’re my friend, and you’re weird as hell, but you’re hot. Especially, I don’t know—”

  “Asleep?”

  “Uh.” That does sound bad. “Yeah?”

  He laughs, holding his stomach like he usually does when something takes him as really funny.

  “What’s so funny?” I demand.

  “Oh just, you get mad at me for not being manly, but you want to look at me when I’m vulnerable.”

  I gulp. That does sound bad. “I don’t know what I want, okay? And you shouldn’t wait around while I figure it out. I mean, I want your friendship. You’re the best friend I have here, and I don’t want to lose that. I can’t lose that.” I’m turning red, I can feel it, moving up my neck and into my face. I hate that. He takes my badass away, but for some reason it’s okay.

  “Okay. Friends. As friends do you want a ride to training tomorrow?”

  “And leave Big Blue home? Never. Oh wait, I left my car at work. Amy drove me to her place. On second thought, maybe I’ll take that ride.”

  “Sure.”

  “And we can decide what to do about Emily.”

  He nods.

  “And you can help me with my ASL homework.”

  He smiles and nods once more. I don’t know how he decides when he’s going to be super quiet and when he’s going to be a chatterbox. It’s unnerving when he reverts back to the former.

  “See you tomorrow,” I say, glad that’s the case.

  “Yeah, see you then,” he says.

  I scrunch my mouth up to the side, uncertain why I hate that he’s leaving.

  “Ryan?”

  He stops, turns to me. “Yeah?”

  “Hug me?”

  His eyebrows go up again. He looks side to side, like he thinks I’m talking to someone else. “You want me to hug you?”

  I nod. “You’ve never hugged me.”

  “I didn’t think you were the type who liked them.”

  “Who doesn’t?”

  He comes over slowly, arms at his sides. Looks down at me. I shouldn’t have asked. He’s going to say no. I’m so stupid. Then he leans over, folds me in his arms, and just stays there for a second.

  I stand stock still in shock, then rest my head on his shoulder, wrap my arms around him. It feels so good, so safe. Maybe safer than I’ve ever been. It feels like I don’t have any right to do this, but I like it. I haven’t hugged anyone in a really long time.

  I wasn’t touched much growing up. I made sure to stay prickly so people stayed away. I know it’s dumb to be unprickly because then someone can get in and hurt you, but I want this right now. Warm, and safe. Whoever gets him is going to be so lucky.

  I pull back so he doesn’t have to. “Thanks.” My arms want to defy me and grab him again. Stupid arms.

  “No problem.” He sticks his hands in his pockets.

  “How can you put up with this? I’m so confusing,” I say.

  He shrugs. “I’m a patient person?”

  I grin. “That’s good. Just don’t think patience is enough to change my mind.”

  “Hm,” he says.

  “I mean it.”

  I think I see a hint of an eye roll as he goes back to the driver’s side.

  “Bye Ally,” he says as he gets in.

  “Bye.” I wave at him as he pulls away.

  I wish I was an Emily. I wish I was born to wear pink and soft things, and not black and gray and everything hard. But I am what I am. Ryan doesn’t fit in my world, and I don’t fit in his. His parents would probably have a heart attack if he brought me home in ‘that’ way.

  Still, it’s kind of a nice thought. Going home with someone like that. Meeting the parents. Having parents.

  I shake my head, for the fiftieth time today. Stop it Ally.

  Just stop.

  Chapter 11

  Heads turn as Ryan and I walk into training the next day. It’s an orientation for new employees. We tend to have a high turnover rate, so a few weeks into the summer, we hire a few more, then train them all at once.

  I hold my head high and walk slightly ahead of Ryan into the guard room to get my stuff and get changed. I can feel eyes following us. Probably wondering how we came in together if we didn’t go home together last night. But we did go home together last night.

  Ryan opens the locker next to me. He’s quiet again, like he usually is at work.

  “You have an extra polo?” I ask.

  He just looks at me, one eyebrow raised.

  “I don’t have any clean ones.”

  He nods and hands me one, perfectly folded, and I pull it on over my tank. He shocks me by changing his shirt right there, and I’m too stunned to turn away. Plus, he’s my friend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the same man candy anyone else would. He catches me staring and just smiles at me like there’s nothing wrong with it.

  It just doesn’t seem like there’s any way I can threaten him. He walks out ahead of me, and I pull his shirt up to inhale the nice clean laundry smell. I need to find out what detergent he uses. It’s awesome.

  I catch up to him, pulling my whistle over my head. “
Want to do that signal training today?”

  He stops, thinks for a minute, then shakes his head. “I think we’re training with the front desk today. Pete’s going to be doing a general orientation.”

  “Oh. Right. Still, I can’t wait to do that training. Such a good idea.”

  “Thanks,” he says simply, walking ahead again.

  I like the look of his back, how it tapers down to his slim hips and tight butt. I should not be noticing my friend’s tight butt. I want to test it with my hands. I can’t even believe how much I’m perving on him now that we’re supposed to be just friends. Maybe I really do like non-threatening, in a way.

  I’ve already had threatening.

  But Zach did know how to hit people. I flinch, thinking about it, then square my shoulders and focus on the room in front of us. It’s packed, and I pass Ryan to head to the back for a seat. They won’t be needing us.

  I sit next to Amy. She smiles at me and touches my knee, and I can’t hear anything she says because everyone is talking, so I just nod at her, and that seems okay. Maybe Ryan has the right idea with this nodding and shrugging thing he has going.

  I’m tired, because I didn’t sleep well last night, and as Pete gets up in front and tries to get everyone’s attention, I’m having a hard time not nodding off. Ryan comes back and takes the seat next to me, a seat others were probably too nervous to take. He clasps his hands and lean forwards slightly, head down.

  His gorgeous hair swings forward over one shoulder. I still don’t know how I feel about that hair. It’s so him, but it’s almost like it’s a him from before, and doesn’t really match the dude I’m getting to know.

  His head nods forward, and as the room quiets, I hear him breathing slowly and steadily. He’s asleep. I figure we’re in the back and no one can see, so I don’t wake him.

  Pete is still trying to get our attention to introduce the new employees, and finally Rain stands up and blows a sharp double whistle, startling everyone into silence.

  “That’s better,” Pete says. “Now let me introduce our newest employees, and soon-to-be members of the facility family.

  I yawn and zone out. I already know the lifeguards because I was in on interviews. When he gets to the front desk staff, I pause. The world is suddenly in slow motion as I stare at the blonde in the middle of the line.

  Emily.

  I nudge Ryan, hoping to wake him without creating a scene. “Ryan, wake up,” I whisper.

  He comes awake, slowly, groggily, rubs his eyes and looks around.

  “Ryan, look.” I point up front.

  People are starting to talk amongst themselves again so no one pays attention to me and Ryan.

  “Is that?”

  “Yeah.”

  It’s Emily, all right. Pretty, shy, well dressed Emily. I wonder how old she is. I guess it’s like a sign or something, her being here. I mean, I did promise to help him date her, but I didn’t think we’d have a chance so soon. And the facility doesn’t have an issue with lifeguards mingling with the front desk staff.

  Bit stalkerish of her though.

  I have no excuses not to hook them up now, but the thought of her all over Ryan, kissing Ryan, makes me a bit ill. I chew my lower lip.

  “Kinda weird that she’s gonna work here, huh?” I say.

  “Maybe Amy recruited her,” Ryan whispers back. He doesn’t look any more pleased about it than I do. In fact, he looks a bit ill.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. Nothing,” he says. “I guess it’ll be easier for you to help me date her now, huh?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “I don’t know though. Isn’t it a bit creepy that she wants to work with you? And showed up at the party?”

  Ryan just raises one eyebrow at me and turns back to Pete, who has finished introductions. He has them sit down and then starts going over the same employee handbook shiz that the rest of us have heard several times over. Uniform, conduct, blah blah boring shiz.

  I think I’d rather be in class, and I can’t sit still there either. Why am I even bothering with school? I’m going to end up a lifeguard or a grease monkey either way.

  I bounce my foot and my thigh starts to go numb. Ryan goes to sleep again next to me. He must be really tired. I am too. I lean on Amy, who just grins at me and puts her hand in my hair. I don’t mind when she touches me. She’s sort of a mom to me, even though she’s younger.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I lie. “What’s the deal with this Emily kid, following Ryan around?”

  “Oh that,” Amy says, sitting up and sighing. “I guess it’s obvious, huh?”

  “What is?”

  “Seems like she has a huge crush on him. She’s been asking me about him. I don’t even know her that well, but she saw me here that day he pulled her out, and recognized me. I didn’t know she was going to apply here though. But she’s not a creep. I can promise you that.”

  “Got something to share?” Pete booms at us.

  Amy shakes her head, mortified, and I just give him my usual glare. He turns back to the packet, and I turn to Amy with a lower voice.

  “So what’s her story?”

  “I don’t know. Nice girl I guess. Little odd. Helpful though, like at the party.”

  Pete’s probably gonna yell at us again, so I just nod and sit back, staring at the back of Emily’s pretty blonde head. I’ll have to investigate on my own. See if she’s really suitable.

  Pete finishes and Knight and Rain get up and give a little spiel about the guard side of things. One of the front desk managers gives a little spiel about that the front desk, and working together and shiz. I study my nails.

  We’re dismissed and people start to file out and get ready for the day. We open in an hour.

  Ryan yawns, pats my knee, and stands to leave. Where’s Emily? I wasn’t paying attention, and she must have left. I stay with Amy, but keep looking for her.

  I see her, just outside the door, just as Ryan reaches her. She smiles up at him and he looks like a deer in the headlights, but she takes his arm and pulls him forward.

  She’s touching him. What? I’m expecting him to freak out but he just goes outside with her, lowering his head to listen to her. She says something, and he grins. She actually made him grin. I realize my jaw is tight and relax it. I don’t need teeth problems right now.

  He looks back and locks eyes with me, and gives me a small thumbs up when Emily’s not looking.

  My heart drops like a rock in a well. I guess he won’t need me after all. I stand up and find Rain.

  “Can you get someone to fill my shift today?”

  She eyes me, blue eyes wide and concerned. “Something wrong?”

  “Nah, just behind on my homework.”

  “You sure? I know you need shifts.”

  “I know. But I’ve been working a lot. I’ll be fine. I need a break.”

  “Sure. Someone will be happy for the hours. Let me know if there’s something else I can do to help.”

  I nod, puzzled as to why she’s so nice to me. I mean, sure, I was elemental in helping her and Knight hook up, but I did kiss her boyfriend. Even if it was Ryan I was actually wanting to kiss.

  I push my way through the crowd, ignoring complaints and greetings alike, until I get out onto the deck. Free at last. I walk into the guard room and pause and look out. I pull off Ryan’s shirt and stay just in my tank. I’m unsure if I should interrupt him to give it back. He’s still talking to Emily.

  I decide to give it back. It’s the honorable thing. She sees me over his shoulder and stops whatever she’s saying before I can hear her. She eyes me warily, probably remembering how I was the other night.

  “Hey,” I say, handing Ryan the shirt and reaching out a hand. “I’m Ally. I’m sorry about the other night. Nice to meet you. I supervise with Ryan.”

  She nods, and gives me a tentative smile. Something really fragile about her. Something that makes me jealous, like she’s always been protected and s
till has fragile parts to her. Like she’s never had to be hard.

  “I was just telling Ryan that it’ll be fun to be working here with everyone,” she says. “I need to get out more.”

  “You need to learn to swim,” I say, more bluntly than I meant to. I grimace and put my hand on the back of my neck, trying to figure out how to get out of that one.

  “I know. Maybe you could show me?” she asks nicely.

  I bite my lip and feel my eyebrows furrow. My jaw is tense again. “Sure. When?”

  Ryan shifts next to me and I look over to find him staring down at me, mild surprise in his eyes.

  “I can be nice, don’t look so shocked,” I say gruffly. “It’s kind of offensive.” I grab Emily through the arm to walk out with her towards the doors that lead into the front desk area. I turn back to Ryan. “Also, I told Rain to get someone else to work today. I gotta catch up on school work.”

  Ryan frowns, but can’t do anything but watch as I go.

  Emily looks back wistfully, like she wishes she was staying with him instead of going with me.

  “So, when?”

  “When?” she says softly.

  “When do you want to learn?”

  “Um. I don’t know. When works for you?”

  “Uh, I guess anytime there’s free swim.”

  “Oh,” she says, biting her lip. “I was hoping we didn’t have to do it here.”

  “Where then?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I think for a minute. “I guess we could try my place. There’s a pool outside my complex. Might not be too bad.”

  “Doesn’t Ryan have a pool?”

  “Huh?” How would she know that?

  “He went to my school. I’m pretty sure his family has one. They’re loaded.”

  “Huh.” I don’t know why, but I don’t like it. “Naw, let’s do my pool. You can come over tomorrow if you want. After work.”

  She looks back in Ryan’s direction, then back to me with a sigh. “Okay. Sounds good.”

  “Great.”

  “I guess I should know how to swim if I’m going to work at a water park.” She shrugs her small shoulders. I kind of want to shake her and tell her to stop being so apathetic about everything. She better not be apathetic about Ryan if she wants me to approve of her with him.