* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Over the days that followed I found myself dividing my time between Rachel and Michael. Not that I wished to spend so much time with him, especially after that first conversation. However, his constant phone calls had made from my mother his biggest and most active fan. And she’d ask me almost every day about when our next date would be. Eternally curious, she’d wait for me to return, perched on the living room’s window, every time I got home. But, to her disappointment, I never allowed Michael to go in.
And so my life fell back into a new, calmer and more predictable routine. My day to day went back to be what it used to be, without Magic Spells, or demons, or strange powers. There were no more daily episodes of unexplained terror. No more emotional highs and downs, that had so worn me out before.
When Rachel started to get worried from the lack of news from Gabriel, I told myself there was nothing to worry about. Even when she picked up the phone to call him on his cell phone and it rang endlessly without anyone answering. Or when she decided to call Gabriel’s mother, my supposed aunt, only to be answered by the robotic voice of an answering machine, constantly repeating that the number in question was out of service. None of that was of my concern. My life had finally gone back to normal.
The only thing out of place in my new perfect life were the nightmares that woke me up every single night. However, and contrary to my previous recurrent dreams, this ones I could never seem recall. All I knew was that I’d suddenly find myself wide awake, sitting on my bed, with a silent scream lost in my lips, completely drenched in cold sweat. In those brief, frightening moments, I couldn’t resist the impulse to search the air, looking for even the smallest sign of his presence, my name, in his deep, velvet voice, echoing in my mind as if he’d just been there, right beside me.
School holidays were almost over when my face muscles started to ache. My real smiles were fewer everyday and only then did I truly understand how much I was out of practice in the art of appropriately smiling every time it was expected of me.
Rachel, in her constant preoccupation about a nephew that didn’t even exist, and trying at the same time to reassure me, had made up some story about a road trip that Gabriel would supposedly have taken during holidays. Surely he’d be back before the beginning of school term. I’d began to doubt it... And although such thoughts should make me feel relieved, happy even, my bitterness only grew deeper day by day. I’d stopped being able to refuse the images constantly playing in my mind, and almost everything in that house reminded me of Lea and him. I found myself wishing that, at the very least, he’d call, just to let me know they were still alive... the shadow of that mystic war weighting on my chest. And the voice that, up till then had fought to keep me unchanging, finally went quiet.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
We’d just finished dinner when the sound of our doorbell rang, leaving us both immediately alert.
“Maybe it’s that inconsiderate cousin of yours.” Rachel tried to sound critic but hopefulness was all I could hear.
My heartbeat increased immediately and I almost ran to the door.
“Who is it?” I asked and waited for an answer, my hand already on the door handle.
“It’s me, Stephanie.”
Her clearly female voice made me feel as if a bucket of cold water had just been poured over me, but I still opened the door as fast as I could, still doubting that I would really find her standing there.
Steph looked at me, cold and hard, as it had became customary in last few weeks, and I just stood there, not really knowing what to say.
“Hei, Stephanie! Long time no see.” I heard Rachel’s cheerful voice coming from behind me, and Steph looked over me smiling politely.
“Good evening Mrs. Mellis.” She greeted her.
“What are you doing, Mari!” My mom demanded in a reprimand. “Hurry up and invite her in!”
I blinked, still at a loss, and awkwardly stepped aside, so that she could come in.
“I’m really sorry to intrude so late at the night.” Steph went on, still talking to my mom.
“No problem at all! You’re always welcome! But tell me, have you had dinner?”
“Yes, thank you. I just came by because I have an important matter to discuss with Mari. I promise it won’t take long.”
“No problem at all. Make yourself at home. Anything just scream.” She added, winking, and trotted back to the kitchen to start with the dishes.
I looked at her once more and couldn’t help feeling intimidated by how quickly her smile was gone as soon as my mother turned her back on us. As fake as mine, I thought.
“Think we can talk in your room?”
I simply nodded and went to the stairs, showing her the way, although she’d been there in many other occasions. I could almost swear I could feel her piercing gaze stabbing my back and took a deep breath as I entered my room, offering her passage, before closing the door behind her.
Stephanie walked in with a broad, decided step, and sat down, her back very straight, in the chair by my desk. Her gaze ran over across my entire room as she observed her surroundings with a critical expression.
“Everything’s the same, around here.” She noted. “Since he managed to make you change your wardrobe I kind of expected that he’d manage to change the rest as well.” That truly irked me and I folded my arms, frowning.
“What do you want from me?”
She looked at me for a moment and leaned her head on her hand, observing me intently.
“You, on the other hand, have changed. Before it would have be unthinkable hearing you use that tone of voice. You’re not the same timid, shy girl that could hardly say what she was thinking.”
“You have also changed.” I accused and she sighed.
“Yes... Well, since it’s late I’ll be going directly to the point. As I’m sure you’ve guessed, I’m here to talk about Gabriel.” She frontally told me and waited for my reaction.
“Contrary to what you might think, there’s nothing going on between us.” I clarified and she sat upright which made her look even more intimidating.
“I know.” I blinked, completely baffled.
“If you know... why all this?”
“Because you’re an idiot that doesn’t understand much of pretty much anything!” She dryly declared and stood up, pretending interest as she looked towards my bookshelves. I didn’t answer and waited until she turned back to face me. “Do you know why I got close to him? What a stupid question... of course you don’t.” She replied herself without giving me the chance to do it. “It was all because of you, of course. Because we were friends. And because I thought I was the only one who could understand you. Because it was as if you need me to talk, to move. Because I was the only one who knew about your impossible love... And even so... even being so close, I never managed to make you change one single thing about you. And then... then he came along, out of nowhere, a cousin I’d never even heard about, and in a couple of days he successfully did what I’d been trying to do since the beginning of the year. I felt frustrated! I guess I even felt jealous. Suddenly the time you used to spend with us had to be shared with him and, as if it that wasn’t enough, he even succeeded in making Michael and you grow closer together. I guess I just didn’t want to feel left behind. And so I decided to get close to him, since he’d become the center of your everyday life...”
“Steph...” I muttered, moved. I was speechless... What could I possibly say? Gabriel’s influence over me could never be compared to a friendly advice. He hadn’t suggested that I should change. He had forced me to do it. The Contract that bound us so demanded. And yet I’d never even noticed how she felt, and for that I was the only one to blame. Self-centered as I’d been, only seeing my own problems, I’d never even stopped to wonder how the people around me felt. I’d hurt Steph, and Joanne, and I hadn’t even noticed it.
“No need to feel guilty. In the end the error was mine. Because I desired to monopoli
ze your attention.” She told me but, even so, her tone was hard and cold. “He didn’t tell you, did he? What happened that Tuesday.” I shook my head as a response. The Tuesday when everything had changed. When I’d ran away and hid in Michael’s place. “I followed him. I’d done it many times before, not knowing exactly what I expected to find. Sometimes I’d just tell myself that this was the only way I had to learn a bit more about him. Sometimes I wished I would find out some dark secret that could prove to you that he really wasn’t the friendly, selfless character he seemed to be in front of everyone else.” She confessed and I felt sorry for her. Show me that he wasn’t who he seemed to be at school...? No one knew that better than I did... “I still clearly remember it as if it were yesterday. When I finally caught up with him he was punching a tree, repeatedly, wood chips flying everywhere, as silent tears slid down his face. He looked utterly furious to the point of frightening, and yet... I would have never imagined that he could cry like that. And so I ran to him and stopped him. For a split second I thought he was going to hit me instead. But then something detained his hand. I didn’t know what else to do. Of course something had clearly happened to make him so upset. And it was obvious he was in no condition to deal with anything else, or even to talk about it. It was almost night and so I offered to walk him home, but he refused. So I decided to take him to my place, at least until he calmed down enough to think about things.” I swallowed hard and squeezed my hands together, bracing myself for what would follow. Steph seemed to notice my anxiety and a cruel smile stretched her beautiful lips. “My mother had left to do some shopping, my father still hadn’t come back from work. I made him sit on the couch and he just sat there, staring into nothingness. I offered him something to drink but he didn’t even blink. I asked him what had happened but he didn’t answer. He only reacted when I asked about you. His face returned to that scary expression, his fists clenched into tight balls. And do you know what he told me with a hoarse voice? ‘She’s with Michael.’ Were his only words.“ The sharp pain was back in my chest making it hard to breathe. I couldn’t imagine his perfect face distorted into the expression she described. I couldn’t understand how his soft, velvet voice could ever sound hoarse. And yet she’d seen all that. In her words he was so Human...! “I kissed him.” She stated and I stared at her in disbelief. “That’s right. I don’t know why I did it, but I did.” She confirmed with a smile, touching her own lips as if she could still feel him. “He was naturally taken by surprise but looked calmer than before, and didn’t push me away. I’d never kissed anyone like that... And it made me want him as I’ve never wanted anything in my life! And since his hands didn’t push me away I decided to make him mine.” She concluded, her perceptive gaze not allowing itself to be deceived by my apparent indifference. “That’s right. I took him to my room and, when my mom came back, told her I was too tiered and that I wanted to go to bed a bit earlier than usual. I spent the whole night with him, feeling him inside me, smelling the scent of his skin, tasting his breath in my mouth.”
I felt my legs shaking and, in that precise moment, was sure I felt for her the same exact thing her expression had shown me every single day since that Tuesday.
She smiled again, as if appreciating the moment, and sat down once again, crossing her elegant legs.
“Does it disturb you? What I’ve just told you?” She questioned, her sarcasm all too palpable to go unnoticed.
“No.” I lied and raised my head not wanting to admit defeat. At least not in front of her! “Why would it? Everyone knows you two are together.” I declared. Steph averted her gaze and her nonchalant posture became more tense.
“We were never together.” She told me dryly. “Sure we spent that night together but, even then...” She left it hanging and turned to me, hatred filling her eyes, making me realize just how much she’d been pretending to be indifferent to my presence, sitting beside me every day at school. “I could come here and make a wreck out of you with tales of a wonderful romance that would make you cry the rest of the night. But that’s not why I came.” She told me and I swallowed my protest of denial. “I came here to end this once and for all! During this holidays I had some time to think things through which, I confess, I still hadn’t done. I’ve been so determined to keep him away from you that time seems to have slipped away between my fingers. But, as strange as it may sound, since the end of the term, when I stopped seeing him, things started to become clearer. For example, can you believe me if I tell you that during the whole night we were together he didn’t touch me one single time?” She added, bitterness filling her voice, and some of the hate I’d felt for her just moments ago started to disappear. “Not even once... not a single caress... nothing... no matter what I did or how much I wished for it... and so I was sure that everything was over even before it began. That it would never be more than a one night stand, especially after waking up in the morning to find out he was already gone. However, even though I’d decided to be a grown-up about this, by the end of the day something irreversible had changed inside me. I missed him deeply, to the point that it hurt and not only emotionally. My body was burning up without the touch of his cold soft skin. And so I decided that I wouldn’t allow things to be over just like that... But, when I talked with him, I was once again shown what I already knew; that what had happened between us had had no importance whatsoever for him. But, even then, I just couldn’t give up! Of all the times I tried to talk to him about us, he’d just listen in silence and, in the end, always tell me the same thing, that what I wanted was never going to happen. But for me! For me was as if I couldn’t live without him! And so I made sure to use all the arguments I had at my disposal, even those I knew would hurt him most, like the fact that you only had eyes for Michael. I even hopped he’d lose control once again, so that I could take care of him as before. But he never did. Always so cold and indifferent... I’m sure you can imagine how I felt when he walked up to me, one of this days, and told me that he was willing to try to make things work between us...” she added and I shuddered with sudden realization.
All those times he’d disappeared... up till then I’d been sure he’d spent them with her. Which was true, except not the way I’d imagined it. He’d been trying to break up with her. Their relationship had been limited to just that one night, until I interfered, forcing him to accept that stupid agreement, making him go back on his decision. Because of that, he’d gotten closer to Steph once again, something he obviously didn’t want to do. How could I’ve been so blind!
“Steph, you’re wrong about us!” I pleaded, as I’d pleaded before, and she folded her arms raising her head to face me.
“Please don’t insult me! You think I’m stupid? Sure I know about your fixation with Michael Newton! But surely you’re not arrogant enough to think you’re able to measure everyone else’s feelings through your own!” I couldn’t help feel as if I’d just been slapped. “I know what I saw and felt beside Gabriel,” she added. And if I refused to face the truth, or acknowledge it, it was because I couldn’t even imagine being apart from him. But now... now that’s not even possible anymore.“ She opened her small purse, and took out three white envelopes. “Take them. This is why I came.”
I took a step forward to accept her strange gift. I turned them in my hands, noticing they’d all been opened, and read his name on all of them where it said ‘from’, in that beautiful calligraphy. These were letters he had written to her, I realized, that strange pain piercing my chest. But besides his name and hers there was nothing else. No stamps, no dates, not even addresses.
“They were written for you.” I pointed out, trying as hard as I could to hide the bitterness in my voice, and prepared to return them to their rightful owner. The last thing I wanted was to know what he had written to her.
“That’s what I thought, when the first one came. But then, after the last one everything got much clearer. Although they’re addressed to me, he wrote them for you. All he did, he did it for you. And I just
can’t find enough words to tell you how much I hate you for it.” Her words stung in my already raw chest. “But I also know that he did what he did because he was taking into account your feelings for me, and so I just can’t help feeling bad, because I know that it’s wrong of me to hate you like I do; you who always wanted what’s best for me ... I’m really sorry, Mari. In the end it’s not your fault... nor his. The fault is all mine. I was the one who decided to take him to my room. But, from then on, it wasn’t my fault either. Because no one can control or decide what to feel.”
“Oh, Steph ...” I sobbed crushing the letters in my hand, feeling the paper crumble under my fingers. “None of this is your fault. It’s mine! It’s all mine! And I just don’t know how to ask for your forgiveness...” I lamented and she frowned, annoyed again.
“Will you please get over yourself?! Who do you think you are?” she demanded angrily.
“But it’s the truth!” I insisted. “I was the one who brought him into our lives!”
“And since when are we responsible for other people’s actions? Stop being so full of yourself, thinking that you have control over other people’s lives just because they’re close to you!” She took a deep breath, as if to calm herself. “Did you know that Mark called me a few days ago?” A soft smile touched her lips making her look more like the Steph I knew. “At first I even refused to talk with him. I was feeling so desperate with Gabriel gone that I just couldn’t face him. But he kept insisting and called me home every single day. He even went to my house and refused to leave until I saw him.
“We talked a lot. What I did to him ... is unforgivable. I just left him like that, without a single word. But, even so, he says he forgives me. We went out a few times and, near him, I discovered this peaceful feeling I didn’t recall ever feeling, but that I’d strangely missed. Of course things aren’t like they used to be. Don’t know if they’ll ever be. I’m perfectly aware that I’m in no position to demand or expect anything from him and, for now, I feel rather content with the way things are. We promised to be completely honest with each other and so I told him everything, even the things I knew would hurt him. And he accepted everything.
Blood of the Pure (Gaea) Page 44
