Then maybe I should be unhappy, frustrated, disappointed. After all, I had all I’d wished for and it still wasn’t enough. But not even unhappiness was I able to feel. After all I’d done, after fighting so hard, what I’d gained in return couldn’t fulfill me.
Had I always been like this before my life had been overtaken by demons? I didn’t recall feeling this empty. Dull, yes, as if all my feelings weren’t true feelings but mere shadows. But like this? Or maybe I had been exactly like this, maybe this was my true self. The difference being that now I’d tasted what was like to really live in the world, to have real emotions feeling my chest, burning in my blood. And so the empty me felt even emptier, now that all that was gone.
The sound of a small bell startled me, leaving me eyes wide open, as I strained my hearing in the hope I would hear even farther. The false and apparent peace I’d managed to achieve shattered as my heart jumped beating too fast and, for a moment, I could feel again. I jumped to my feet and ran out the door, and down the stairs, trying to hold on with all my strength to the warmth circling in my veins, to the anxiety knotting my throat, to my wish that I’d see him soon. I ran to the living room, my labored breath filling the air around me, and looked ... and looked ... and looked again, my eyes flying over the same places more than once. Empty. As soon as the word popped in my mind, I ran to the kitchen, again desperately searching, over and over again, afraid of looking but not being able to see. Until everything inside me began to slow down again, my emotions once more sinking into darkness.
The sound of my own laughter startled me and I crouched, taking a deep breath.
So, this was what I’d become.
I embraced my knees and hid my face between my arms.
According to Alexander I could only really feel through my Soul, and my Soul had silenced herself the moment he’d stepped out of my life. It was almost as if he’d taken my true essence with him, although it hadn’t belonged to me to begin with, and I had been left behind, empty. And there I was again, standing at the edge of that dark precipice that had considerably grown over the last few days, taking over most of my chest. But now ... now I no longer had any reasons to run from it, and I felt too tired to even consider such a laborious solution. And, as I allowed myself to feel the pain shoot through my whole body, burning me like acid, I screamed silently and in despair, my nails digging into the skin of my arms, and I thought I’d end up going insane. Images filled my mind, looks, words, expressions that only made the acid already corroding my insides become even stronger. All I could hear, see or feel was or came from him, as if his presence had remained imprinted in fire inside me, taking over of my entire being.
I ran in despair, fearing I had plunged too deep into the darkness to be able to go back and, when I managed to breathe again, I felt my cheeks wet from tears I didn’t remember crying. Still afraid of being dragged back into that darkness, I filled my mind with thoughts of Michael, my bright and warm personal sun. Michael’s voice, Michael’s smile, Michael’s scent. He’d become my only and frail light, the only flame able to reignite the shadow of a life that was left inside of me.
And, as I went back into my room, I couldn’t help wondering. If I’d just gone back to be what I’d always been, had Michael’s presence, which I recalled thinking of as bright and intense as the midday sun, always been so faint like it now looked to me? Or had my ability to see him also been dragged to the bottom of that abyss with the rest of my being?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The days kept coming and going unnoticeably.
My new routine included following through with the essentials to keep up appearances. I replied to my mother’s e-mails on a daily basis, making up all sorts of things and keeping Gabriel’s prolonged absence a secret. I made sure to keep my school tasks in order, so teachers wouldn’t worry about me, which could lead to unwanted phone calls to my mother in Paris. I always had lunch with my friends, shamelessly taking advantage of my shy social image. I smiled a lot and laughed opportunely at all the jokes shared. Of course, I diligently answered and re-answered all the questions regarding Gabriel’s whereabouts. All in all, the most difficult person to deceive was Michael.
In the beginning his presence was the only thing able to warm me up, to breathe a spark of what I’d been back into me, and his presence helped me forget everything else. Being the bright sun that he was, all I had to do was turn towards him and be his mirror, reflecting his emotions and living through him. And so I smiled when he smiled, replied when he asked, accepted when he offered. But, as time went by, like everything else inside me, even my ability to be his mirror began to fade, as everything inside became dull and gray.
The knowledge that I would end up unable to hide the darkness inside me from him made me restless, and anxious ... in the beginning. But, ultimately, even that disappeared and I couldn’t feel anything. Of course I still tried, as his worried expression became more common, but I just couldn’t care. And so I watched indifferently as his anguish at his own inability to help me grew deeper day by day. Our moments alone were more silent every day until even his bright smile started to fade as well. Rationally speaking, I could only wonder why he kept insisting on waiting for me, or escorting me home, when I was obviously such sour company and there were dozens of other girls, more cheerful and funnier than I, fighting for his attention. However, even when I told him I didn’t mind if he’d rather spend his time with his friends, the only reply I got was a hurt and indignant expression, and the absurd confirmation that there was nothing he treasured more than my company.
On the other hand, my house, although certainly empty and silent, was constantly filled with sounds, voices and footsteps. The few first times I heard them, I jumped to my feet and ran downstairs, looking everywhere, until I didn’t remember what I was looking for anymore. Then I learned that those sounds only existed in my head and so I started to ignore them, ironically aware that hearing things could never be a good sign.
From time to time, when the black precipice inside me threatened to overtake me, I’d untie the ribbon around my wrist to make sure I hadn’t gone completely insane; that all I remembered from before had really happened. The mark over my skin looked paler, not as raw as I recalled it, but to my relief, it was as visible and perceptible as it had always been.
My nights too, became increasingly chaotic. The nightmare that, like clockwork, woke me up every night, started to finally imprint on my memory. At first there were only unrelated images, too fast and too blurred to make any sense. But, eventually, I started to understand that it always took place in the same scenario where light could not really reach and the air was old and cold. Ferocious screams filled the air and lightning bolts blasted against the walls, or was it the sound of metal clashing against metal? I was always terrified, but, strangely enough, never for fear that something might happen to me. There was something I urgently needed to reach, something really important, but I just couldn’t move. And then a ray of light would strike me down, leaving me blind and drowning in pain, and I would wake up. After that, no matter what I did or how much I tried, I could never go back to sleep. The pain, however, was very much real, slashing me from my left shoulder to the right side of my waist; my skin burning raw as if I’d been really cut, even though no mark remained to prove it had been anything more than a nightmare.
Too aware of what my recurrent dreams meant, I couldn’t help wonder if that was what awaited me ... death, since I was sure no one could ever survive an injury like that.
Besides those few things, nothing else mattered. I hadn’t cooked anything since Rachel had left, making sure our fridge and freezer were stacked with food. I truly had no appetite whatsoever and if I did eat, it was because I knew I needed to do it in order to function.
I also lost the ability to control time and, when I woke up from my frequent mental absences, hours would have gone by while I just sat somewhere, my mind completely blank.
The living room had become practicall
y forbidden and, normally, I’d only go there when I couldn’t convince myself that what I’d just heard wasn’t real.
When I was able to grasp a few moments of clarity, I’d look at myself, at what I’d become, with disdain. In the end, I always wanted what I didn’t have. But, when I asked myself what it was that I really wanted, the answer was always the same — nothing. If before I’d wished for Michael’s affections, now no will filled my empty heart.
Ultimately it was as if Gabriel had really taken my Soul with him, which, on the other hand, didn’t sound all that improbable. After all, she rightfully belonged to him. The world around me had lost its color and my life had remained incomplete and empty of any kind of meaning. The weeks followed each other in a constant succession of days, the days in a constant succession of hours, the hours in succession of long, slow, never ending minutes. All the same, all unchanged ... all empty.
Chapter Twenty
ICH
– Yesod. The Frontier of the Abyss. 1 –
“And the prince leaned over the princess, awaking her from her eternal sleep, with a sweet kiss.
But the lips that touch my skin burn me, leaving eternal marks.
And although my sleep was cold, empty and cruelly lonely, the world to which I wake up is drowning in chaos.
And so, unlike all those magic fairy tales, the first thing I feel is a deep pain for being forced to wake up.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
T
he piercing blast that roused me left me sitting on my bed, my breath labored and heavy. Still trembling, I ran a hand over my damp face and tried to calm down. Again, the same dream, the same that had tortured me night after night since he’d left.
I placed a hand over my jumping heart as if that could silence the pain pulsing inside me with every heartbeat, and took a deep breath. I looked at my alarm clock. I’d woken even earlier than the nights before, which meant the following sleepless hours would seem even longer.
Every night the same dream and, if that wasn’t enough, the way I lived through it was getting more intense every day. I followed the inexistent cut on my torso and winced, my skin, under the cotton, hurting and burning in a way that I almost expected to see blood seeping through my pajama’s top.
The sound of something breaking made me jump, my mind suddenly alert, and I felt around the bedside table searching for the light switch. The sound seemed to have come from downstairs, maybe the kitchen. I kept quiet for a moment, trying to hear anything else, but nothing. Maybe I’d left one of the glasses badly placed on the drainer and it’d fell. And maybe I should go downstairs and check it, but I just didn’t have the will to move. I recalled locking all the windows and doors like I always did. Unless a burglar had managed to get in the house!
Unthinking, I reached for the cell phone and quickly found Michael’s number. Right now he was the only one I could depend on. I was about to press the button when the air around me changed and, inexplicably, my hands started shaking. Suddenly it was as if someone had grabbed me from my hair and pulled me up, and up, and up across all those layers of darkness, violently throwing me over a floating board. I gasped for air and pain exploded in my head as all the emotions I had lost came back to me at once. I tried to breathe once, twice, but the air just wouldn’t go down into my lungs and the anarchic, chaotic energy that filled the air made it even more difficult to breathe. Cold, hard fear washed over me and still I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that I was feeling again, that I was able to be afraid, terrified even.
I dropped the cell phone immediately, clenching my hands together, trying to stop them from shaking. I couldn’t recall feeling anything like this, not even when Alexander had unexpectedly shown up, angering Gabriel. But, even so, I knew exactly what was happening. I’d already wondered when something like this would happen, when something would get past his barrier and come looking for him hoping to eliminate him, only to find me in his place. It was probably another Deiwos and this one would most certainly kill me.
I smiled sarcastically, unable to stop my lips from shivering. There was no escape. Neither could I call Michael. There was nothing he could do against the power of a Deiwos and I’d just be putting him in danger as well. In the end, even when dying, I’d be alone.
I breathed in deeply, trying to control of my own body, and prepared myself for the inevitable. Ironically, I remembered that for a long time I’d been ready to die at any moment. Gabriel’s presence had terrified me so that I was sure I’d end up being his victim sooner or later. But now ... now I couldn’t stop myself from lamenting that my life was about to end at the hands of someone else and wished that if I had to die, at least he’d be the one to do it!
“Mari!” The cry out, although muffled by all the walls between us, was enough to break through my fear.
“Lea?” I murmured in disbelief, immediately recognizing his child-like voice, and a smile of contentment touched my lips.
Over the last few days, how many times had I heard his voice or the sound of his bell echoing in the house? How many times had I run downstairs searching for him only to come back up alone? Over time I’d learned to ignore my desperate illusions and, now that everything was about to end, being able to hear him again made me smile. I didn’t feel alone anymore and the idea of dying didn’t seem as frightening as before.
“Mari!” The urgency and despair in his voice made my heart jump and my eyes shot towards the door. What if ... what if Lea had really returned? What if he was in danger from that other Deiwos whose chaotic presence still filled the air?
And then I was immediately on the move. Who cared if it was another illusion? Who cared if I was now running towards my death? Nothing like that mattered at all if there was a possibility, even as small as I knew it was, that Lea was really there and that he’d be in danger!
“Lea!” I called back, stumbling down the stairs, trying to see where I was going since I hadn’t even taken the time to turn on the light.
“Mari! Help me, please!” I’d never heard such despair in his voice and my heart responded immediately to his pain.
I stopped by the living room door, urgently feeling the wall in search of the light switch, and I just couldn’t go another step. The room swirled and danced around me, the walls dangerously closing in as I forgot to breathe. My hands urgently held me against the door frame, knowing what to do better than I did, making sure I wouldn’t fall or faint, or throw up. I gasped for air, trying as hard as I could to keep standing on my two shaking legs.
Lea had returned, yes, but he wasn’t alone. And there was blood everywhere, blood so red that it seemed to glow under the yellowish light above our heads.
Gabriel was lying on the coach, the same one where I recalled seeing him sleep. But now, his perfect face was far from peaceful, writhing in a terrifying expression of pain, his immaculate white skin stained with red, making him look like he was already dead.
“Oh my God!” I gasped, my fingers hurting from the strength with which I squeezed the wood under my palms, and I urgently tried to ascertain just how badly he’d been hurt. My stomach quivered when all my eyes could see was a torn black shirt, now completely drenched, and more blood, blood dripping unstopping on the ground, forming a bright red poodle.
“Mari!” Lea left his side at the sound of my voice and ran to me. “Please! Please help him! Please! You have to save my Master!” he begged in one breath, tugging desperately at my pants, his small bloodied hands leaving palm prints on the yellow cotton. But what really got my attention were the tears streaming down his childish face. Tears as bright as silver, which left luminous trails over his skin as his eyes grew darker by the second, almost as if they were melting away. “He’s not getting better. I wanted to bring him, but he wouldn’t let me. And told me he’d be fine. But he isn’t! He’s not getting fine at all. The blood won’t stop! And I don’t understand why. He’s so strong. I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do! I don’t want him to disapp
ear!” He went on without taking a single breath, the tears falling from his eyes one after another, and I commanded my hands to release my only support, so that I could kneel in front of him and hold him by his small shaking shoulders. His tears were impossible to bear, but, above all, were very dangerous. I still remembered all too well what Gabriel had told me about his silver eyes.
“Stop crying, Lea.” I commanded, my voice trembling, but he didn’t even hear me,
“You have to help him! Like you helped me! No one else can do it! Please!”
“Stop!” I insisted, raising my voice as I shook him. “Suileabhan!” His sobs were immediately silenced and he stared at me, his expression too serious, even cold, as if I’d just hit him. It was the first time I called his real name and I felt it immediately; the weight of the word on my lips and the power it held over him. I took a deep breath, trying to sort through all of that as quickly as possible, and put a smile on my face to reassure him. “I understand. But if you lose control, you won’t be able to help him, right?” I posed in the softest way I could manage, taking the situation into account. “Despairing like that won’t lead us anywhere. We have to stay calm.”
I wondered immediately how I’d been able to say something like that because in that precise moment I was anything but calm. But Lea nodded, as if he’d completely absorbed every single word I’d said and, with a few more sobs, dried his tears away.
“If he disappears I ...”
I placed a hand on his head, interrupting his dark thoughts, and looked at Gabriel, still lying on that couch. It looked like he was delirious and Lea was right, the blood kept seeping over his pale skin, the pool on the ground slowly growing. The threads around my heart, which I’d all but forgotten, cut deep this time.
Blood of the Pure (Gaea) Page 46
