“That’s not the point!” I countered, looking away from the terrible beauty of his face. He didn’t understand what I meant at all and I wished I didn’t have to explain it word by word. “I can’t stop shak ...”
“Didn’t you just say you were the one who stitched me up? So? I’m sure you’ll be able to take them off as well.” His tone was suddenly so intense that it made me unconsciously hold my breath. “I’m sorry. I promise I won’t say another word,” he added, again back to whispering, and it took me some time to pull myself back together.
When my heart went back to a fast, but constant, heartbeat, I grabbed the scissors I’d left on the table and tried my hardest to make at least that one hand stop shaking so much. As slowly as he usually moved around me, I got it closer to his skin, my hand still shaking more than it should, and held my breath as I cut the first stitch. He didn’t even flinch, keeping as still as he’d promised. I dared look up at his face, trying to see if I’d hurt him in any way, but Gabriel kept his eyes shut, his expression soft. I decided to try even harder, as if by doing so I could repay his effort and patience, and cut stitch after stitch, holding my breath every time I closed the scissors so close to his skin. He remained completely motionless the whole time, like the statue he seemed to be; even when, for more than once, my uncontrollable shaky hands made the scissors scratch him.
Once I was finished I put the scissors on the table and sat up, allowing myself to relax for a moment, although relaxing was, to begin with, pretty much impossible with him sitting like that right in front of me.
He opened his eyes, as if awaking from a brief sleep, and looked down at his white scar where dozens of small black threads stuck creepily out of his skin. With an intrigued expression, he pulled one of the sticking ends and thread slid easily.
“Pull it slowly! You’ll end up hurting yourself,” I scolded, although my voice now sounded too rough and frail to be taken seriously, and he looked at me, watching me curiously, making me blush.
“Is it that hard?” he asked, slightly disappointed, and I had to avert my gaze. Facing his violet eyes was even harder than when his eyes were black.
“Hard?”
“Bearing my presence.”
If my heart was already beating fast, it definitely jumped at that, my cheeks blushing from frustration. I really wished I could hide, or at least disguise, my stupid, unreasonable reactions from him. I was sure my obvious intolerance to his presence displeased him deeply, even though he always tried to look indifferent to it.
“The air that surrounds you is different,” I noted, not wanting to give him a direct answer. “It feels heavier, almost electric.”
“Is that why it’s hard for you to breathe?”
I nodded, feeling even more awkward. As to be expected, with his keen eyesight and hearing, he could easily see through me. Right then I was even willing to bet he could hear the madness that was my heartbeat.
“My heart always beats too fast, sometimes to the point that my chest hurts,” I added, frowning. “And I can’t stop this stupid trembling all the time.” Of all the incoherent reactions I felt near him, the uncontrollable trembling and shaking were the ones I hated the most.
“Sigweardiel says you react like this because, contrary to the rest of them, even himself or Lea, you’re able to see my true self, regardless if I’m Sealing it or not. As it seems, everyone else can only see what I choose to show them.”
“Does that mean you’re never yourself?” I asked, daring to take a peek at his face, and his expression became somewhat distant.
“The few times that happened there wasn’t much left around me afterwards. Certainly not anything living.”
“Don’t you ever get tired? Constantly limiting and locking yourself up like that?” He shrugged.
“I’ve been doing it since I can remember. To me it’s as natural as breathing.”
“I guess it’s kind of the same with me,” I said and he slightly tilted his head, looking intrigued. “That automatic reaction thing. True that, in the beginning, standing close to you was really hard and exhausting. But then, contrary to what it may look like, now it’s not that hard anymore. A bit tiring, yes. But that’s only because of my own reactions. This constant shaking can even make my muscles ache at times. If all this is a reaction to your true self, then ... I guess you must be truly terrifying. And yet, contrary to what it may look like, I’m not afraid at all. Sure I can look like I’m scared to death at times and sometimes, when my brain stops working properly and I can’t think straight, that feeling really does take over me. But that’s only because I’m not myself when that happens, and all that’s left is this bundle of chaotic emotions that don’t even have a reason to be. But as soon as I’m able to think straight again, as soon as I’m me again, just like now, I’m not afraid at all.” The intensity with which his violet eyes stared at me made me blush. I didn’t really know why I’d gone to the trouble of explaining all that, but I was kind of glad that I did.
“Does that mean ... you’re not afraid of me?” The disbelief that marked his tone of voice left a smile on my lips. Sometimes it was really like I was speaking with Lea, not with the terrifying Gabriel sitting in front of me.
“I guess that if you don’t count our first meeting, you never really gave any reasons why I should fear you.”
“But you know what I’m capable of.”
I squeezed my hands together as they suddenly started shaking even more. “Yes.”
“And yet ...”
“Alexander says I’m not really normal. I guess that’s due to the fact that I’m apparently able to accept all too well the presence of beings like all of you. Although, in my opinion, I reacted badly enough as it is, until I was finally able to accept that there wasn’t much I could do to change the circumstances I got myself into.” I pointed at the tweezers on the table. “Use that to pull the pieces of thread.” He looked at the tweezers for a moment before grabbing them, his movements ever so slow. “Always outward. And do it slowly!” I added as he quickly pulled three pieces in a blink of an eye.
“It doesn’t hurt at all. Tomorrow there won’t be even a mark,” he proudly stated and I sighed, defeated by his unmovable certainty. “Even so, two days. Who would have thought that it would take me this long to heal a little scratch like this?” I had to blink twice, completely stunned by the notion he had about the injury that had almost cost him his life.
“All because someone was stupid enough to go into battle and leave half his powers Sealed inside some miserable Magic Circle!” Another voice critically pointed out, and I turned towards the door to see Alexander standing there, a deep frown marking his forehead.
“Eh! You’re always exaggerating!” Gabriel grunted, apparently in such a good mood he didn’t even bother to get angry at what he’d just heard. Alexander stepped in closer and looked critically at his scar.
“I wish it would leave a deep, red mark so you would always remember just how stupid you really were!” He went on, still angry, and I couldn’t help smile. In truth his bad mood only went to show just how worried he’d been. I wondered if Gabriel had also noticed this. “Mari, before ... I’m sorry,” he added, his tone suddenly lower, filled with shame and guilt, even though I was the guilty one, since I’d so unfairly judged him.
“It’s fine. How’s he doing?” I inquired about Jonathan.
“He’s sleeping. He probably won’t wake up till tomorrow.” I nodded and Alexander turned back to Gabriel, who kept pulling dark threads out of his chest. “I’m replacing the cat.” He didn’t even wait for an answer, disappearing in a shower of soft black feathers.
“Is Lea on watch?” I asked and Gabriel nodded, seeming too focused on what he was doing. “Because of the Deiwos that escaped you?”
“Yes. But you have nothing to worry about. We won’t be staying long and he’s sure to follow us when we leave.”
Suddenly the world around me became incredibly silent. I was sure I hadn’t heard it rig
ht and my mind immediately explained that fact with how soft his voice had sounded.
If they left again I’d be all alone, just like before, and my life would go back to that succession of gray, meaningless days it had been. With a shiver I recalled my last few weeks, where nothing seemed right and where something was always missing. I’d forgotten all that the minute they’d returned, bringing with them that mysterious glow that had brought me back to life. And now he was telling me that they were leaving again, soon, and that I’d have to go back to my previous state of a living shadow, empty inside, showing to the outside world all that, in reality, I didn’t have.
I felt lost, and angry, and the only distinct thing that filled me was an inexplicable pain.
“You’re ... leaving?” I repeated, fearing his confirmation, and he nodded, reopening the dark whole inside my chest that I’d almost forgotten.
“It was never my intention to return.”
“And you were going to disappear? Just like that?” I accused, my voice escalating almost to the point of hysteria, and his hand froze, the tweezers he held about to catch hold of another piece of thread. I watched as he slowly raised his head to look at me, and only then was aware of the burning anger eating at me, making my face red hot. I looked away, escaping his intent gaze, the way he looked almost surprised before my sudden explosion, and wished I could simply run away from that place.
“That was also not my intention ... not in the beginning at least,” he added and I made myself keep my mouth shut, knowing that if I didn’t I’d only end up spouting more unjustified accusations. Right then I felt childishly wronged and left behind, as if all the emotions I’d tried to subdue since they’d left had suddenly returned to claim their right to express themselves. “However, as time went by, I was able to think more clearly about everything. And, after our last talk, I concluded that the only way I can get what I really want is by keeping away from you.”
I looked at him in outrage and frowned deeply annoyed at his nonchalant expression.
“And what’s that exactly?” I asked, the sarcasm deep in my voice, and he had the audacity of smiling.
”Quite simple, really. First, that our Contract won’t be fulfilled and that, somehow, even from far away, I can be a part of your life. And second, that you may smile more often and that you won’t be constantly dragged to a world where you don’t belong, and where I do not wish you to belong.” I could hardly contain myself. I cringed and felt as my cheeks took on a much deeper red. And yet, the pain that ran amok in my chest almost felt like he’d just stabbed me.
“How can you be so selfish … and only think of what you want?” I muttered in between clenched teeth, the sadness leaving a bitter taste in my mouth, but, as usual, no tears to talk about.
He looked even more baffled and then a deep crease marked his white, perfect brow.
“But I did think! I thought of what you want! Didn’t you want to get rid of me? To go back to your normal life as it was before?” he asked, looking confused and angry. His inability to understand me only went to enrage me even further.
“You are really ... an idiot! Life as it was before?” I repeated ironically. “Just look at me! You really think nothing has changed? That I’m still the same?!” I hid my face between my hands, elbows on my knees, and took a deep breath, trying to pull myself together, knowing that if I kept going down that path I’d end up losing myself somewhere on the way, and tried to calm down. “Why do I even bother,” I murmured, suddenly feeling all too tired. Trying to communicate with him was always a battle, and one that I always ended up losing.
We were both silent for a moment and, when he spoke again, his voice was so gentle and soft that almost hurt.
“Tell me. What are you thinking?”
“That all my efforts are for nothing. That no matter how much I try, I’ll probably never be able to understand you. That in truth I’d very much like to cry.” I sighed and raised my head, accepting defeat and the emptiness that came with it. “It doesn’t matter. Do as you please. In the end, that’s how things have always been.”
I stood up, avoiding having to face him again, and forced my shaky legs to obey me and take me away from there, away from him. I would have run if I wasn’t so afraid to stumble and fall. I climbed the stairs up to my room, holding on to the handrail with too much strength as I tried to keep my ribs from hurting, and was finally back to my small sanctuary.
I sat on my bed and blinked my inexistent tears away. The lump in my throat and the pain brought about by his words still lingered, making me sad and angry at myself at the same time. I’d fought so hard to keep what I was intact but had ended up allowed him to take too much space inside of me; space that, once he was gone, would remain empty and aching. And I couldn’t even scream that I’d been betrayed, although it certainly felt like it. After all, I’d always known he’d end up disappearing without a warning. He’d come to revolutionize my world and, now that my world had gotten used to his chaos, he was going to disappear, probably forever.
“Mariane.” The jump I gave made me wince in pain.
“I’ve told you not to call me like that!” I scolded him, anger still bright red inside of me, and looked up at him. He was standing by the door as if some invisible boundary prevented him from entering. I noticed he’d put on a shirt, although he hadn’t taken the time to button it, the black lines he still hadn’t gone around to pulling sticking out of his chest, heavily contrasting with his white skin. His perfect face, usually indifferent, looked worried and somewhat sad and, annoyingly, I noted that that realization was enough to placate my fury. I wasn’t used to so easily read emotions on his face. The only moments when that had happened, Lea had always been close by.
“Explain,” he finally told me, or commanded me, and, as I stared blankly at him, he looked away. He seemed agitated, not at ease at all, his gaze running all around the room as if it were the first time he saw it, and the words got caught in his throat. “I also want to understand. But I’m sure I’ll only be able to ... if you explain it to me. And maybe there might be things you’d rather not talk about. But if you don’t, I’ll never be able to understand them because my mind works differently than yours, and right now I can’t really tell what you’re thinking. So, if you can explain ...” He left it hanging. I was beyond stunned. I was frighteningly aware that, in the last few weeks, something in me had changed. But realizing that something had changed in him, too, was even scarier.
“Explain?” I muttered and he folded his arms, avoiding looking at me in a clearly defensive posture.
Explain what? How? Where to start? And how could I possibly explain things that I couldn’t even begin to understand? No matter how many times I turned things in my mind, I always ended up even more messed up than when I’d started. In that moment, the only clear, objective thing for me was how I felt, and yet most times my feelings were contradictory. The idea of exposing them before him, just like that, terrified me even more than his immeasurable presence. My mind still kept that old alert in place — he was not Human! And exposing my weaknesses just like that could be all too dangerous.
And yet, although I’d just told him to do as he pleased, only the idea of him leaving again was enough to break me to pieces. I squeezed my hands together and the only coherent thought in my mind was what could I possibly do to make him stay?
And suddenly I recalled what Lea had told me, and my heart jumped back to life, holding tight to that small hope. And so I straightened my back, turning to face him, although he was still avoiding me, and took a deep breath.
“I do not wish you to leave again!” I stated as clear as possible, my voice for once unwavering, and yet, saying it out loud, was even harder than I’d imagined it. Almost as if to say those few, brief words, I had to break little pieces of myself. His body was immediately tense, as if I’d just punched him out of nowhere, and his incredulous gaze fell over me. Still I didn’t allow it to intimidate me, or to scare me, like it normally did. “I
wish you to stay in this house!”
“What are you saying?” he whispered under his breath, frowning angrily, and I dug my nails in the back of my hand to make sure I wouldn’t hesitate, not even for a second.
“I wish you to stay in this house!”
“Mariane!” I cringed at his angry tone, shuddering at the sound of my name in his voice, but immediately sat upright again, making sure I kept facing him. My heart was beating painfully fast now, my stomach tied into a huge knot, but I’d never been surer of anything else in my entire life.
“You can raise your voice all you want. You can even make use of the power you have over my name,” I told him as calmly as possible, although absolute chaos reigned inside me. “My wish will not change.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying!” he countered furiously, his eyes now gleaming. “You have no idea of how much I tortured myself over this! Of how much I thought this over and over! Until I was finally able to accept the idea of setting you free! And now you want me to stay?”
“Yes. That’s what I wish.”
He unfolded his arms and a cold, dangerous smile took over his face, distorting it into a cruel expression that sent shivers throughout my entire body. The air around me trembled, or was it the floor? The sound of a loud screech made me cover my ears with both hands and I closed my eyes trying to keep my emotions under control. The terror that washed over me left me breathless and all I wanted was to scream and run away. And so I bent over my own legs, making sure I’d stay put, no matter the cost.
A rough hand grabbed me by my hair, pulling my head up and backwards, and I gasped for air when I should be screaming in pain.
“Are you forgetting who I am?” His cold, icy tone reminded me of the first night I’d seen him, but, strangely enough, something deep inside remained untouched, like a lake of calm, still waters in the center of stormy, uncontrolled sea.
Blood of the Pure (Gaea) Page 50
