“Enough?”
“No,” I replied immediately, not allowing myself a single second to waver.
“Fine then. But I should warn you, it won’t be as soft as this.”
I just nodded while mentally preparing. The impact was deafening and shrill, making me cover my ears. The cyclonic wind that surrounded me, pulling at my hair and hurting my bare skin, made me crouch for fear I’d end up being tossed somewhere else. My heart exploded against my chest, stealing my breath away, and I felt my sanity slipping away like water between fingers. The chaos around me screamed and howled. And darkness closed in, tying me up, making it impossible for me to run, threatening to swallow me whole.
I forced myself to breathe and, for a moment, that was all I could do. The air burnt my lungs every time, but I just kept at it until I was sure I wouldn’t forget to breathe again.
Shaking terribly, I noticed the wind had dwindled and that the voices that kept screaming were now just a scary murmur. And so I dared raise my head, and my eyes were lost in his terrifying figure.
The dark wings sprouting from his back were huge, with sharp endings and, although Gabriel stood completely still, my instincts told me without a shadow of a doubt that he’d be on me in a split second, and that he could shred me into pieces before I could even blink. My stomach cringed, making me feel sick, until I found his eyes.
Suddenly I felt as if I’d been thrown into a sea of deep, cold water, and everything was silent. The sadness that marked his face left a bitter taste in my mouth, and knowing I was the reason behind his pain made tears blur my vision.
Not knowing exactly how, I was able to stand up, my legs shaking so much that it was almost impossible to walk. And yet I took a step towards him and only that feeble movement was enough to return the light to his eyes. He watched intently and patiently as I struggled with every single step until I could finally stand before him. By then my breathing was so labored that the air was filled with its sickening sound, and my heart beat so fast that it hurt my chest. And yet I felt immensely happy when I saw him smile, a small, almost shy smile.
Looking at him so closely made me notice an immensity of small details, like the shadow that his rebel bangs cast over his violet eyes, or how his face looked even paler when framed by his long black hair. I raised a hand that wouldn’t stop shaking and touched a strand of his hair, resting over his chest, surprising myself at how cold it felt, thin and soft, sliding through my fingers like liquid. And then my eyes were on his wings, which he kept half folded against his body. I felt really small near him, as if I could simply disappear in his shadow. I left his hair and stretched a hand towards one of his wings. Before I could see it, or understand how, his hand stopped mine, just standing there, like a wall in my path. I noticed how big it was, his fingers long and elegant, and how he kept it opened as to make sure he wouldn’t grab me.
“You’ll hurt yourself,” I heard him say in that smooth tone and I looked up at him, confirming he’d just allowed the words to flow out of his unmoving lips.
His voice was the same, I mused, and inexplicably that made me feel more at ease. I went around his hand easily enough and touched the dark surface of his wing, feeling it slithering, almost plastic-like. The shock that electrified my fingers spread up my arm, up to my elbow and yes, it hurt, but not enough to make me pull back. And so I slowly ran my hand over it, feeling it smooth and cold but incredibly resistant, and I smiled.
“So weird.”
I saw the hand he had raised to stop mine slowly lower and was lost in that movement, since it was the first time I saw him do it after heeding my request. His white long fingers stretched towards me and lightly touched my waist in such a way that I could hardly feel them.
His wings disappeared in a rain of small dark stars that confused me, the floating bright glitters cold and light to the touch when they fell over my hand, almost like small drops of water that didn’t wet. However, I felt the difference immediately, and it was as if someone had taken an immense weight off me. I looked up with a half complaint on my lips and was immediately frozen in place. His eyes, the way he was looking at me, immediately erased all coherent thoughts from my mind.
Just like that morning, I watched as he slowly bent over me until his face was right beside mine, almost touching me, and I heard as he took a deep breath, making me forget to breathe and sending shivers down my spine. His breath warmed my neck, and my shoulder, and my entire body, and my heart almost stopped. I felt him gently brush my hair back, his cold skin briefly brushing against mine, as his fingers traced the line from my neck, up to my ear so lightly that he was barely touching me.
My trembling legs threatened to falter and, in a reflex, I held on to the only thing that could offer me some support, my fingers closing over the silk fabric of his shirt. I felt like a mesmerized bird enchanted by a poisonous serpent, but even so I couldn’t let go of him.
Gabriel took a deep breath, making me tremble, and his fingers slid softly over my waist, and up my back, stopping between my shoulder blades.
“This is too hard,” he whispered by my ear, his breath caressing my skin with every word, sending electrical charges through my entire body. “I want to hold you, but I don’t even dare and yet everything about you, your warmth ... your scent ... keeps calling me in.”
I had to sob to be able to breathe and the tips of his fingers touched my face, cold and trembling, sliding over my skin like icy cold tears. They softly made me raise my head, and facing his gaze, so close to mine, made me dizzy. His cold lips touched my forehead, bringing my stilled heart back to life, back into one of his frenzied races, and the sweet scent of his skin stole what little ability to think I still retained. His lips slid over my face, caressing my skin, light as feathers, until his warm breath touched my lips, and he pressed his lips against mine, stopping motionless. I felt as if something inside me was about to break, and I wondered which one of us was shaking the most. His fingers on my back increased their pressure, and I could clearly feel them for a moment, until he relaxed his strength again as if he’d been fighting the urge to pull me closer. And then his lips were moving over mine, in a trembling but incredibly sweet kiss, and something burnt inside me as if I’d just sealed another Contract with him.
As if the hypnotic effect had suddenly been broken, I suddenly could move again, and I lowered my head, escaping from his touch. My hands released him, still shaking uncontrollably, and pain pierced through me as I recalled what we were and the situation we were in.
I heard him sigh, as though he’d just thought the same, and wanted to cry.
“This ... cannot be ... right?” His velvet voice echoed in my mind, making the pain even worse, and his hands slowly released me, making me feel as if I’d been left naked.
I saw him take a step back. And the idea that he could step away from me just like that, with so much ease, sent waves of panic washing over me. Unthinkingly I grabbed one of his long strands of hair and stopped him from taking another step. I raised my head, fearing his reaction, fearing his anger, but he was looking at me with gentle eyes, with that same expression that I’d only seen him wear with Lea, and smiled.
The weight of that smile almost crushed me and, in an impulse, I took the step that he’d backed, and hugged him as hard as I could, burying my face on his chest. He stood motionless, for an instant, and all I could hear was my own sobbing. And then he moved, and I felt him place his forehead on my head. His long hair fell all around me, like a curtain of darkness, and a heavy sigh left his lips.
“What now?”
I shook my head stubbornly and, although my arms ached and trembled, I hugged him even harder.
“I don’t care ...”
Chapter Twenty-Six
LIT
– The Vision of the Middle Pillar. Arrow.
The Mystery Of Atheism. 1 –
“How can I escape this bitter Destiny. From one side the light that touches my face ...
From the other the shadow t
hat envelops me in its embrace ...
And since I don’t know how to live without the light, or how to survive without the shadow,
everything in me is tearing apart, reducing me to an amorphous tired bundle of a person.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
N
o one was home when we returned, and I supposed that Lea and Alexander were roaming the streets in search of Telane.
Gabriel left me in my room, promising in a soft whisper he’d be back soon, and I found myself standing there, in the same exact place he’d left me, my eyes fixed on the door, awaiting his return. I could only rest when I saw him back at the door and his surprised expression, as he noticed I hadn’t moved an inch, left me embarrassed.
In slow steps that made me tremble as he passed by me, he crossed the room and placed the tray he’d been carrying on my desk.
“You need to eat,” he stated in that tone that didn’t allow further discussion, and stepped away, leaning against the wall on the other side, so that I could avoid my tremors.
I looked at what he’d brought me and smiled at the fuming plate of soup, accompanied by two slices of toast and a tall glass of peach juice. No more chocolate cookies, I thought, sitting down and taking a long sip of my favorite juice. As always he’d been right. I was starving.
And yet, his presence there, in my room, was much more important than any plate of food. And so, as soon as I put down my glass, I turned back to look at him, just to make sure he was still there, although I could clearly feel it in the air around us.
I just sat there for a moment watching him, my heart beating too fast, although he was far enough to spare me from my usual symptoms. His hair was back to being short again, but his eyes were still violet, and his face was so perfect that I wished I could touch it. I blushed, too embarrassed by my own thoughts, and yet couldn’t look away.
“Eat,” he commanded once again, but my fear of him not being there the next time I turned back spoke even louder than his order impossible to disobey.
“And you? Will you stay?”
“You rather I go?”
“No!” The immediacy of my answer left us both in silence. I lowered my gaze, regretting having talked before thinking, and took a deep breath. “But I know you want to go after Telane,” I added and shuddered at the idea.
“Sigweardiel and Lea are looking for her,” he simply replied and I found myself smiling again.
“You’ll stay then.”
“As long as you want me to stay.” His indifferent tone didn’t go unnoticed.
“What about you? What do you want?” I insisted, determined not to let him avoid my initial question, and Gabriel looked away, and didn’t answer. Which really irked me and made words that I didn’t mean sprout out of my lips. “Just go then! Go after her! Since it seems she doesn’t even want to kill you! She wants you to win this war and be with her!” His incredulous expression made me even angrier. I turned my back on him and, grabbing the spoon, filled my mouth with scalding soup. I was immediately embarrassed by my own words. I couldn’t even understand why I’d felt so angry!
“I think you’re mistaken,” he finally said in his lustrous voice as I stuffed my mouth with the forth spoonful of mushroom soup. “It may be true that she wants me to win this war. But Telane does not wish to belong to anyone. This is precisely her only chance to free herself from that destiny. And she probably expects I won’t claim her, even if I win.”
I didn’t answer and kept swallowing my soup. Then I turned to the toast that I voraciously devoured, as if stuffing my mouth with food could prevent me from spitting out any more nonsense. I almost choked at the speed I ate and had to resort to a few more long sips of peach juice to push it all down.
“Mariane? Are you angry?” His uncertain, somewhat worried, tone caught me off guard and I put down the glass.
“Yes. At myself ... for being such an idiot, and childish, and unable to think before I speak.” I turned to look at him. He smiled condescendingly.
“You’re tired. You need to rest.” Although I wished I could contradict him once more, I knew he was right.
And yet, even though I knew I was being childish again, I found myself exactly in the same point I’d been when our talk had begun.
“And you?” I asked, embarrassed, and he smiled gently.
“I’ll stay here.”
“The whole night?”
“Yes. That’s also what I want.”
I smiled in a silly explosion of happiness and, completely forgetting my aching muscles, jumped from my chair and grabbed my pajamas, running towards the door.
“Be right back!” I told him, completely ignoring his puzzled look, and ran out again.
I went to the bathroom and changed clothes as fast as I could, washing my face and brushing my teeth at the speed of light. I stopped for an instant before my image on the mirror and, for a split second, was able to question the righteousness of my actions. I turned off the water and took a deep breath. Even while I was trying to think about what I should do, I still couldn’t stop worrying if he’d still be there when I returned.
I went back to the room in a more normal pace and stopped by the door to look inside. Relief washed over me when I found him standing exactly where I’d left him, and the way he looked at me made feel embarrassingly conscious of myself.
I walked in small but fast steps to my bed and his low-chuckled laughter made me shake as if he were about to attack me.
“Really. And here I wondered why you had left so hurriedly,” he commented. “As to be expected, only you could wear a thing like that. It’s unbelievable. A female your age wearing pajamas with bears!” He mocked, still laughing, and if I’d been embarrassed before, I could almost dig my own grave and bury myself at that.
I pulled my cotton top down, as if it could cover me from head to toe, and slid under the protection of my quilt, trying to escape his evil gaze.
“I’ve always worn pajamas like this!” I contested, defensively. “And besides, I’m no female! I’m just a girl!” I added, displeased with that denomination as though he were putting me together with all the females he had known before.
“Yes, but a girl with no sense of sensuality whatsoever,” he replied with a sorrowful tone, and I pulled the quilt around me, watching him suspiciously, which made him laugh again.
“Well, I’m really sorry for that!” I grunted. “But since you already know that, you could at least return me my clothes!” I added and he looked surprised.
“Still hanging on that? What do you want them for? Your new clothes fit you much better.” I looked away and buried my chin on the quilt.
“Those things are all too thin and delicate for me,” I complained. “I feel like I could be naked at any time. It’s really stressful, always worrying if I won’t end up tearing something.”
“Nonsense. Everything fits you perfectly. After all, I was the one who chose them.” He added impossibly smug. Over time I’d come to understand that whenever that pride thing of his came into play, there was no use arguing. “But, if you want, I can always get you some new pajamas.” Even though he was clearly joking, I still jumped in panic.
“No way!” I refused immediately, trying to picture what kinds of small pieces of fabric would be acceptable pajamas in his mind, and was immediately sorry I’d tried, too shocked with my own imagination. Gabriel gave me one of his evil crooked smiles, which made me really restless, and I made plans to hide all my bear and sheep pajamas in the morning.
“Sleep now. You have to rest,” he told me softly and I couldn’t stop my insecurity from coming back.
He seemed to notice it as well, and so he just bent down and sat on the floor, his back against the wall, just like I’d found him when I’d woken the day before. “I’ll stay here till dawn. Unless you’re unable to sleep with me so close to you.”
I lay down as quickly as I could and pulled the quilt up to my ears.
“See you tomorrow,” I told him,
making sure there wouldn’t be even the slightest chance of arguing his last supposition and he smiled.
“Sleep well, Mariane.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I woke up under the impression I’d cried the whole night and, in the next second, my confused mind told me I was late. Only when I sat up, hurrying to get ready for school, and pain washed over my entire body, did I remember what had happened the day before, and that because of it no one would allow me set foot outside.
I took a deep breath, checking the hours, and was surprised to see that it was past eleven. With no hope of finding him there, I still checked the place where Gabriel had been sitting.
I remembered waking up the middle of the night and seeing him there, watching me silently. But now I was alone, once more, and I couldn’t help feeling a bit disappointed when I couldn’t even feel his presence in the house.
However, after getting dressed, I’d already decided that this wasn’t all that bad, as well. I was obviously in need of some alone-slash-reflecting-time, and near him my mind was mostly blank or terrified.
My gaze fell on the small golden ring, lying beside my pillow, and I decided I might as well find it a chain and wear it around my neck, since it would fall from any of my fingers. I tucked it inside my blouse, the cold of the metal against my skin making me shiver, and left the room to go downstairs, glad that, even though my muscles still ached, it was nothing even closer to the torture that had accompanied me the day before.
I went to the living room, from where I’d heard voices and, as soon as I appeared at the door, Jonathan grew immediately quiet. Still I tried to read his face, see if he still hadn’t forgiven me, but he just stared right through me.
“Mari! Good Morning! How are you feeling?”
I put on a smile for Alexander, who stood up from the couch as if to see me better.
Blood of the Pure (Gaea) Page 61
