Keep thinking it, Doris…
That night as she lay close to him she realized how truly important he was to her. No…she wasn’t in love with him, and the truth was that she never would be. But she loved him with all her heart, the way you did a best and beloved friend. There was a gentleness she had needed all her life, and that above all was what he had brought to her. She might never have more with him, but what she had was more than most people ever achieved in a marriage, for all their claims and pretending about how much they were in love.
“Doris…”
“Yes?”
“Doris, I’ve thought carefully about this. I think we should have a child…”
Oh God…let’s wait and get a little more used to each other. Let me adjust more to being your wife and learn how to be a…person. I need at least a year, how can I be a mother when I don’t even know who I am?…But then a residue of the old fears surfaced; if she didn’t please him, maybe he wouldn’t love her…and she needed so badly to be loved…
“I’m thirty-three, Doris, and it’s getting sort of late for me,” she heard him say.
But Jim Ross had a baby at forty-three and it didn’t seem to worry him. Except, she reminded herself, that wasn’t a fair comparison. Jim had been married before, had already had a child. Of course it didn’t worry him, but this was Henry’s first marriage, first child…
“Darling, I want to be young enough to grow up with my child. I’ll be thirty-four this October.”
And if I get pregnant tonight, in nine months I’ll be nineteen…But I owe Henry a lot. He rescued me, and when things get rough with mama and papa he’ll always be there…
“I’d love a baby,” he whispered. “Wouldn’t you, darling?”
The tenderness in his voice touched her, and maybe it would be the best thing that ever happened to her…a child to devote herself to, something of her own, someone to love and to be loved by…“Yes, Henry, I would.”
Henry was jubilant when Doris told him, “Don’t start handing out cigars yet, dear, but the rabbit died.”
“Oh, Doris, I’m the happiest man in the world—”
“That seems to be the standard phrase.” She laughed, happy that she could do this for him, especially when she looked at his face.
But when she called mama it was a different story. “You couldn’t wait? Henry can barely make a living now and you’re going to have a baby?”
“We talked it over, mama, and decided we wanted a family right away.”
“Did you also talk over how you’re going to support it? Children cost money.”
“Mama, I don’t want to argue with you, but children are a treasure. You had us, didn’t you? And for all the hardships we managed to grow up…okay.”
Sara sighed. Another grandchild, no less. Well, if it was a boy, at least Doris would allow Jacob to enjoy it—not like Rachel. Or even like me, Sara thought guiltily as she recalled the abortion. “Well, be that as it may, I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for.”
“Mama, I know you mean well, but don’t be upset. This is the most wonderful thing that could happen to us.”
What was the use of talking. “Look, Doris, this is your life and you’re the one who’s going to live it. If that’s what you want, then good luck to you.”
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
WHEN DORIS BEGAN HER fifth month of pregnancy she and Henry realized they really must move into a larger place. But money, as usual, was the problem. Whatever they found seemed above their means.
At five o’clock one evening she was driving down Geary Street to pick Henry up at the office. This had now become a daily ritual so they could save the twenty-five-dollar-a-month parking charge.
Suddenly it began to rain. Doris thought, isn’t it lovely, the first rain of the fall. It hadn’t been forecast, but then, the weather was no more predictable than the events of a person’s life. How long ago was it that she hadn’t even had her first date, and now…
Crossing the intersection at Hyde and Geary, she was suddenly jolted and found her car spinning around, then skidding to a halt. She was dazed and in shock.
A man came rushing over and opened the door. “Are you all right?”
She was shaking so badly that she couldn’t answer.
He asked once again, “Are you all right?”
“I don’t know…”
“God, I’m so sorry. With the rain and all, I didn’t see your car until I hit it.”
She had heard the crash, but didn’t know it was hers. “You hit my car? I thought I’d just skidded on the…”
“No. I bumped into you. I’m so sorry—”
She just nodded.
When the police arrived she was helped out of the car. And when they saw that she was pregnant, their concern deepened.
“Lady, maybe you should sit down. Better take it easy,” said the officer. She obeyed automatically, too numb to think as he helped her ease her way out from behind the steering wheel.
“Now, can you tell me what happened?” the officer asked, taking out a pad and pencil.
She shook her head.
“It was my fault, officer,” the other driver put in.
“The lady was actually across the street when you bumped into the back of her car?”
“Yes. My windshield was so frosted up I didn’t see her.”
The officer turned again to Doris. “Do you have a driver’s license?”
Doris fumbled in her purse and handed him her license. Suddenly, she became hysterical. “I’m going to lose my baby…”
“We’d better call an ambulance.”
“No, call my husband.” She gave him the number by rote and he went off to place the call.
“Dr. Levin speaking.”
“Dr. Levin, this is Officer Johnson…Your wife has been in an accident—”
“An accident? Is she hurt? You know she’s expecting a baby?”
“Yes, doctor, I know, and she’s asking for you.”
“How is she?”
“Very frightened. I think you’d better come right down.”
Henry was given the name of the intersection, grabbed his hat and ran out of the office. By the time he reached Geary and Hyde his anxiety was as great as Doris’. “Are you all right, sweetheart?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know, Henry. I’m so frightened I can’t stop trembling.”
“I know, darling. Try and relax…”
When Henry spoke to the man who had hit the car he could hardly contain his anger. “You realize how serious this is? My wife is pregnant.”
The man was a head taller than Henry but he almost cowered. “I sure do, doctor, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am—”
“If anything happens to my wife, you’re going to be a lot more than sorry—”
“Listen, I didn’t see the car and—”
The officer intervened. “I have all the information and I think you should take your wife home, doctor.”
When he turned to her she was weeping hysterically. “I want to go home…”
“Do you have any pains, honey?”
“I don’t know. I just want to go home.”
He helped Doris into bed, wiped her face with a damp cloth, and sat by the bed and held her until she relaxed. She seemed okay, he thought, but he wasn’t going to take any chances. He went to call his friend Gary, who was her obstetrician.
When Gary arrived, Henry stood nervously beside the bed while Doris was examined. With the examination complete, Gary snapped his bag shut and asked, “You have no pain now?”
“No, Gary.”
“I think you’re more in shock than anything else. I don’t find anything wrong, thank God, but I want you to stay in bed for a few days. If you need me, don’t hesitate.”
Standing at the door with Gary, Henry asked, “She won’t lose the baby?”
“I don’t think there’s much to worry about, but we’ll watch her.”
“Thanks, Gary, I really appr
eciate it.”
“It’s okay, now, keep her in bed and I’ll be in touch in the morning.”
Henry went back to Doris, who was a bit more composed now.
“Henry, please call my mother…”
“Tomorrow.”
“No, dear, please…now.”
He sighed, God knew he didn’t want Sara here, but…“Sara, this is Henry.”
“Yes?”
“Sara, please don’t be alarmed but Doris was in a slight accident.”
“An accident! My God, what happened?”
He told her.
“I’m coming right over.”
“You’re more than welcome, but it really isn’t necessary tonight. The doctor just left and assured me she was all right. She’s just shaken up—”
“Wouldn’t you be?” she said, but this time there was more concern than anger in her voice.
“Of course. What I’m saying is that she’s fine and just needs a little rest. Why not come tomorrow?”
“All right, I’ll be there first thing in the morning.” …
Sara rang the bell at seven-thirty the next morning, greeted Henry with a quick hello, then hurried back to the bedroom, where Doris was still sleeping.
Henry was shaving, when Sara abruptly appeared in the doorway. “Why didn’t you take her to the hospital?”
The razor slipped and cut his chin. “Her doctor didn’t think it was necessary.” He felt almost guilty as he answered, then realized that Sara was working her way on him too.
“Well, I think she should be watched carefully.”
What the hell did she think he was doing? “Well, you’re here and I’ll be home at five.”
“But I have to leave because there’s no place here for me to sleep.”
“You can sleep with Doris if you like and I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“You should sleep on the couch even if I’m not here. Doris shouldn’t be disturbed.”
“I guess that’s a good idea…”
“Have you gotten in touch with the insurance people yet?”
“It only happened last night. Besides, there’s a full police report. Everything will be taken care of—”
Sara went into the kitchen and put the coffee pot on the stove. Henry soon joined her. “Doris is so tired that she’s still asleep, but she’ll be happy you’re here.”
“Where else should I be? What do you want for breakfast?”
“Coffee and toast will be fine.”
She joined him at the table. “Now tell me again what happened.”
He repeated what he had told her the night before.
“You realize, Henry, that this could mean a very large settlement, in Doris’s condition?”
“To be honest, Sara, I’ve been so upset I haven’t given it any thought.”
“Well, I suggest you hire an attorney.”
“Fine, I’ll talk to an attorney.”
He got up from the table and walked to the bedroom to see Doris before leaving. She was awake, and smiling.
“How are you, Henry?”
“How are you?”
“I feel fine, just a little tired.”
“I can imagine. Now rest, honey. I’ll call later. Oh, your mother’s here.”
“I’m glad. Please have her come in.”
Kissing her again, he said good-by, and on the way out told Sara that Doris wanted to see her…
Sitting in a chair near Doris, Sara said, “Now don’t be upset, but sometimes I wonder how bright Henry is. His wife has an accident and he doesn’t think to hire an attorney? If I hadn’t suggested it I doubt he would even have thought of it.”
“He was very upset yesterday, mama.”
“And I wasn’t?”
“Of course you were. Now, mama, everything will be fine. Please don’t get yourself all worked up.”
“All right…What would you like for lunch?”
“I don’t feel hungry.”
“You should have something.”
“Later, thank you.”
“A cup of tea maybe?”
“Nothing, thanks—”
“All right. Now, Doris, I brought enough food for at least three days and I wrote out all the instructions for Henry. I don’t want you to get out of bed. Let Henry do it when he comes home. It seems he doesn’t work so hard.”
“He’ll manage, I’m sure. You won’t be here then tomorrow?”
“Well, since you’re feeling well and you’re in no danger…I do have other responsibilities. Your father comes home early from the plant now. Suddenly he doesn’t eat lunch anymore and wants dinner at four in the afternoon. Did you ever hear of anything so insane? How can I make a social life? Suppose I was in the middle of a bridge game? I’d have to say sorry, I must go home and feed my husband. I think I’m the only woman in the world who has such a crazy kind of life…”
Poor mama, she wouldn’t face it that the reason she had no social life was not because papa came home so early but because she couldn’t accommodate herself to anyone, put them off with her manner even when she was trying not to…It was easier to pretend that everybody else stood in her way, was at fault. Still…
“I know, mama, it’s not easy for you.”
“Well, that’s the way it is, Doris. Believe me, I’ve had my share of trouble.”
“I know, mama.” …
When Sara left, Doris sighed in relief. It was so quiet and serene now, and she was glad mama wasn’t coming back tomorrow. The tension of always trying to keep the peace and always trying to make mama feel better was terribly wearing.
She was especially happy when Henry came home. He was very easy on the nerves.
“How are you, honey?” he asked, kissing her. “When I see you like this, I realize how grateful I am. I could hardly work today. All I thought about was you.”
Doris smiled at him. “Honey, do you think you can manage dinner tonight? Mama left everything out. It just has to be heated. You can bring it in here and we’ll eat together.”
Together…it was taking on some real meaning.
The next day Henry was sitting at his desk in the office when the phone rang.
“Doctor Levin? My name is Mr. Robinson. I’m from the insurance company that represents Mr. Milman, the gentleman who accidentally hit your wife’s car. I wonder if I might come over and speak with your wife?”
“She’s in bed under doctor’s orders. I don’t think she should be disturbed for a while.”
“When might I be able to see her?”
“Let’s say Thursday, about seven-thirty in the evening.”
“Thank you, doctor, I’ll see you then.” …
Doris sat in the big chair, her stomach bulging under the flannel robe.
When Mr. Robinson saw Mrs. Levin’s condition, he knew it would be hands down as to what she would be awarded in court. A pregnant woman? If they got a sharp attorney, they’d collect a bundle.
“Doctor, I have an offer here that we think is very fair. In your wife’s condition, I’m sure you wouldn’t want her to go through any lengthy court proceedings. Would you mind going over this?”
Henry did not read the fine print. All he saw was twenty-five hundred dollars…That was half a year’s earnings. Could he get more if he hired an attorney? Maybe, but it could drag on for a long time and they needed the money now so that they could move. Besides, attorneys got one third of the settlement.
“Mr. Robinson, I’d like to talk to my wife for a moment.” He helped Doris up and led her into the bedroom. “Doris, do you know how much they want to pay? Twenty-five hundred dollars.”
“Do you think we should take it?”
“Well, it’s a lot of—the point is…I don’t know how to say this—”
“Say it, Henry.”
“If you hadn’t been pregnant, they’d never have made such an offer and so fast.”
“Do you think we should get a lawyer?”
“Maybe so. But on the other hand, these cases can dra
g on a long time. The rent is up on the fifth, which is Saturday, and that means staying another month. You’ll be in your sixth month and—”
“Take it, Henry.”
“I’m sorry the money had to come because of an accident…”
“God’s looking out for us, honey. It’s a lot of money for us and we need it now. Sign the papers.” …
Doris and Henry had moved two blocks away, to an apartment on Broadway. It wasn’t as bright as their other apartment, but it had the extra bedroom and a full diningroom.
Now it was November. The days grew shorter, the weather more overcast. The constant drone of fog horns was somewhat eerie.
Doris had become so large it was impossible to drive Henry to and from the office. Now she rarely left the apartment. There was nowhere to go anyway. Her days were lonely and the only moment of excitement was when she sat at the window about five o’clock and saw Henry’s car turn into the driveway…
One morning a crib and dresser set arrived from mama and papa, and she spent most of the day sitting in the baby’s room on a dinette chair and looking at the set and waiting for Henry to get home before calling the folks.
“Mama, the set arrived. We’re thrilled with it.”
“Well, enjoy it. Papa and I are happy to do things to make your life a little easier.” She, and papa especially, had exercised monumental restraint in not letting her or Henry know how foolish they thought he’d been to settle the insurance claim so fast. Well, everybody knew doctors were lousy businessmen…and that parents had to protect and do for their children regardless of the mistakes they made…“Yes, Sara, we love it. Thank you.” …
After dinner Henry settled down to the evening paper, but Doris was restless. She hadn’t left the apartment for several days. Not that anything held her back, but she needed someone to share an hour or so with. Rachel was away and she had no friends, so the days were very long.
“Henry, could we go to the movies?”
“When?”
“Tonight.”
“It’s already eight o’clock, honey.”
“So?”
“It’s such a miserable night out. Let’s go right after dinner tomorrow so we can be home early. Is that okay?”
Henry was so damned sweet, how could it not be okay…
She went to bed early that night and fell asleep in minutes. She could only guess what time Henry climbed into bed, but it must have been around ten. It was becoming the nightly routine.
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