“Thank you, doctor,” Jacob said, wiping his forehead with his handkerchief.
The baby was born at one minute to twelve. It was a breech birth, but there were no other complications.
When Gary came out of surgery he said to Henry, “Well, dad, you have a little girl, eight pounds and two ounces. Congratulations.”
Henry put his arm around Gary’s shoulder.
“Thanks, Gary—for everything.”
“Nature should get a little of the credit.” He walked away without a word to the Sanderses.
“Well, Jacob,” Sara said, “we have another grandchild.”
A girl…He and Henry were some combination, but at least Doris and the baby were okay. “So, how does it feel to have a daughter?”
“That’s what I prayed Doris would have.” He wiped away his tears unashamedly…
The next morning, Henry came into Doris’ room with a bouquet of flowers. “Well, darling, we have our little girl.”
“I can hardly wait for the nurse to bring her.”
“She will, I stopped by the nursery and they were just feeding the babies. A nurse held her up for a minute.”
“What’s the color of her hair?”
“Dark.”
“I can hardly wait.” She sighed happily. “How did your mother take the news?”
“She can’t get over it. All morning she kept saying, ‘I’m a bubbe, I’m a bubbe,’ like it was the world’s first grandchild.”
“Henry, she’s really so good, I’ll never forget what your family has done for me…How are my folks? You know what I mean.”
When Henry recalled the events of last night he wondered how he had taken all that bullying from Jacob without blowing up. “They were great, Doris.”
“Was my father disappointed because we had a girl?”
“No, really…Well, I’d better get to the office. My family will be here later. I’ll call.”
“Darling, please call Rachel.”
“Your mother already did.” …
At ten that morning, the nurse finally brought Doris her child. She could hardly believe that the small bundle wrapped in white blankets had been inside her the day before.
“Well, here we are,” the nurse said, handing the child into Doris’ waiting arms.
Her first look at her child made her face pale. It was…wizened…all black and blue. The eyes were tightly shut and it had a thin little patch of black hair. Henry said she was beautiful?
Doris brooded for the rest of the day. She had never seen a newborn baby, and actually thought they were born all pink and healthy and cuddly.
When Henry arrived that evening he saw her distress at once and asked her what was wrong.
“Henry, I know I shouldn’t say this, but are you sure you saw the right baby?”
“Why?”
“The one that they brought me…I don’t think it’s ours.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because she’s just—all black and blue.”
“That’s from the instruments, but it’ll go away.”
“No, she’s just—”
“Honey, the poor little thing had a very tough time.”
Henry was right…but he was also making her feel guilty. She wondered if she would ever get over that first shock…
Over the following week, the forceps marks had completely disappeared, much to Doris’ relief. In fact, the baby was getting as pretty as her original fantasy…her eyes were violet, her hair straight like mama’s. The most beautiful thing about mama was her hair, and Doris could tell even now that the baby’s was going to be the same color and texture. Indeed, the more she saw her child the more she prayed that God would forgive her for having such awful first thoughts. She had already fallen totally in love with this adorable little child and suddenly the name began to fit the child. Michele…Doris had always loved that name. If she said it fast it sounded really lovely…Michelelevin, Michelelevin…
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
SARA SAT AT THE kitchen table, having her usual breakfast of grapefruit and coffee, but this morning the grapefruit soured her stomach. Why was she dieting so much? What was she trying to prove? She had asked herself that question several times recently, but this morning she knew the answer. Quite simply, she didn’t much like herself and never had. Nor had anyone else, she added. She had thought that getting thin would give her a sense of accomplishment, and somehow change her. At first it did bolster her morale, but deep down she knew she was still the same person, the same little girl who had lived her life in longing and loneliness. She had spent her childhood drifting from one place to another because her mother had preferred Louie to her. When she looked back and unraveled the years, her mind stopped at the first year of her marriage. That was the one and only time she had felt a true sense of happiness, an intimation of hope, when she and Jacob were in love in that little place on Washington Heights. But much too soon the world had come crashing in on her…on them. When they moved back to the lower East Side, she had been cast into long years of poverty and denial. Of course she wasn’t poor now, but life had deprived her of more than material things and she could never go back and reclaim them. She had never known what it was like to be at peace; she had never been given the time. She had become a mother before she’d become a woman, and the responsibilities of motherhood hadn’t allowed her to do anything with her life. That wouldn’t have hurt so much if her children…ah, the children…and the promise of Jacob’s strength and ambition had not brought what she had hoped for. She had struggled by his side for well over twenty years, but he was more frugal with his love and his money now than when he had been poor.
Her life was more lonely now than at almost any other time. And now she was a grandmother, whether she liked it or not. She was going to be forty-one in December and she’d never been young herself. Life had gone by her…run over her…so quickly she hadn’t had the space or time to establish herself in life…Or was it possible, she was frank enough to ask herself, that she had been hiding from life, using her children as an excuse? Maybe, but she doubted it…It seemed more the other way around. They had so consumed her that there was little or no time left for her to develop a social life, and Jacob…when he had first started in business he was away so much that she was left with all the responsibilities of the home. Besides, a woman couldn’t establish a circle of friends without a husband as host and escort, and the circumstances of their lives had only brought her in touch with people who were his roughneck associates or simply miserable downtrodden people. She was as poor as they were, but at least she had had some education, she was smart, but who was there to talk to, to be really friendly with…? Soon Lillian would be grown up, and then what…?
She got up from the table, threw out the uneaten grapefruit and went upstairs to dress. Sitting at the dressing table, combing her thick black hair, the house seemed strangely silent and she felt frightened. Was this what her life…
A sudden thought made her pause as she walked to the closet. Why not have Doris come home and live? Having Henry around would be no particular joy…he was a constant reminder of how mistaken she had been…but then again, he’d be at the office all day and it was Doris who was the important one. So happy-go-lucky, such good company…The baby should be a bonus. Babies took up one’s time and she was such a sweet little thing. Henry could baby-sit in the evenings so she and Doris could go to a movie.
The feeling of loneliness was beginning to lift as she now hurried to dress.
It was with a rare sense of exhilaration that she got into the Pierce Arrow and drove down the driveway, and before going to catch the ferry she bought a nightgown for Doris and a silver comb and brush set for the baby.
Sarah felt in command of life once again…
She opened the door to Doris’ room and smiled at her daughter…her redemption. Kissing Doris with more than her usual affection, she handed the gifts to her and watched as Doris unwrapped them.
“They�
�re beautiful, mama. Thank you.”
“It’s nothing compared to what I’d like to do for you, darling, but you know papa’s not the most open-handed man in the world. Well, do I have to tell you? To get a dollar out of him…”
Mama seemed so pitiful today, Doris thought, and what she said was true. Papa was a difficult man. She was sure papa did love mama, but he was just not able to show it. Strange man…At times Doris thought he was deliberately trying to punish mama for some unfathomable reason, and at other times it was as though he wanted to reach out but couldn’t.
“How’s the baby, Doris?”
“That little doll is so adorable I could eat her up. I have to admit that I didn’t feel that way at first, though. The first time I saw her I thought she looked like a shriveled little old woman.”
Sara laughed. “And now you think you’ll keep her?”
“Oh, mama, I adore her.”
“Why not, she’s your child…Have you thought about where you’re going to live?”
That was a question she wished she didn’t have to answer. “I think for the time being, we’ll stay with Henry’s mother.”
“Why Henry’s mother? I’m a mother too.”
Doris was surprised that her mother wanted to bother with them, especially with the baby. Her nerves weren’t the best, and now that she was going through the change of life her emotions were even more on the surface and more conflicting.
“I think it might be difficult for Henry,” Doris said, hoping it would discourage mama.
“What would be difficult for Henry?”
“Commuting back and forth, and he still has problems with his back.”
“As a good mother and a good friend, Doris, I’m going to tell you something. You cater to Henry a little too much.”
“Please, mama. Let’s not talk about Henry and—”
“I’m not talking about him. Please let me finish. I was starting to say that a woman can spoil a husband when she thinks only of his welfare. Women have something coming to them too, you know. If you don’t, ask me. You and I, darling, have a tendency to allow a husband to walk all over us.”
“Henry doesn’t do that, and I do have to consider him…He’s my husband.”
“That’s true, he’s your husband. But he’s also not the most…ambitious man in the world, Doris, so you’re going to have to look out for yourself too.”
“He does the best he can, mama.”
“So the best he can do, a man with a family, is to live with his mother?”
“Look, mama, the little money we had is almost gone. What with his illness and my pregnancy it’s—”
“Well, since you have so little left, why don’t you just come and stay with me? We can give you more space and more privacy. Isn’t it nicer for a daughter to be living with her parents? While you were pregnant I could understand the necessity of staying in the city while Henry was sick, but now it’s different. You don’t have a nurse to help take care of the baby, like Rachel did. Her mazel you didn’t have, much as papa and I hoped…well anyway, it’s still your home and while you’re with us Henry can save. In fact, it would give him a chance to get on his feet financially. Look at the money you’d be saving. No food bills, no rent…It could really be a blessing for you, Doris.”
What mama said made a lot of sense, Doris had to admit, and she seemed so eager to help. It was as though she were trying to make up for having neglected them during Henry’s illness, and it really touched her. But still…“You’re sure it wouldn’t be too much for you?”
“Doris, what are parents for? You know how much papa loves babies. I don’t want to influence you, but a daughter goes to her family.”
“I can’t tell you how grateful I am, but you do understand, mama, I’ll have to talk with Henry.”
“Of course.”
“You’re really a very good woman, mama. I’m—”
“Don’t talk foolish.”
Sara left, confident that Doris would be coming home. And if Henry continued to be as successful as he was, she would be home for a very long time.
That evening Doris talked to Henry about the advantages of living with her family for a little while.
At first he wouldn’t hear of it. He hated the idea of living off the Sanders’ charity. But the accident had taken care of the little nest egg he’d so carefully guarded, hoping it would be a down payment on a house. And although his mother would gladly have them live with her, her small home was already overcrowded. He was touched by Doris’ happiness over reconciliation with her mother, but also knew it would be short-lived. Well, so be it. By the time Sara was on the warpath again, he was determined to have saved enough money to get their own place. So with many misgivings, he acquiesced…
After Doris’ ten days of confinement, she was sitting next to Henry, looking down at their lovely baby, as they crossed the Bay on their way to Oakland.
Henry parked their Reo in front of the Sanders’ and helped Doris out of the car as Sara came out to greet them.
“Welcome home, Doris…and Henry.”
Doris felt she was really coming home, where she could love and be loved as never before. After all, this time she had her beautiful Michele and her adoring Henry…
For a while, Sara coped well enough with all the clutter and fuss of having a new baby in the house. But day by day, month by month, things began to change. Little things that build to large troubles…
Henry complained that he spent so few evenings with his wife. Doris tried to explain that mama had so few friends and so little to occupy her that she enjoyed getting out once in a while and going to the movies.
Sara began to complain about the bathroom always being so messy, that she cooked and cleaned all day long. Her nerves became so frayed that she took to locking herself in the bedroom nearly every time the baby cried.
Doris felt terribly guilty that this was all so hard on her mother. When Sara would come out of hiding, in contrition, Doris would say, “Mama, I’m really so sorry, but I just don’t know what to do…”
And at such moments Sara would look at Doris, remember her former loneliness and consider that perhaps she wasn’t trying hard enough. Michele was just a baby, after all, and the two o’clock morning feedings would eventually have to stop. Sara would compose herself and life would go on peacefully for a day or two, but then revert to the tensions of before…Nothing Doris did was right. The sterilizer was in the way. Couldn’t Doris do the washing later? Couldn’t she bathe the baby earlier?
“It was a mistake from the beginning,” Sara blurted out one day. Doris looked at her mother’s face and realized she should have known better. Doris knew she had meant well, that she had really tried…but mama was mama…
The breaking point had come. That night, when Doris and Henry had gone to their room, Doris said, “This has been a bad mistake. I’m sorry, it’s my fault for talking you into it, but please, Henry, can’t we get a place of our own? You’re a doctor, you ought to be able to make enough at least for that—”
Henry lay looking at his wife, feeling as though he’d been slapped in the face. “I’m sorry. I guess your mistake was in not marrying someone like Jim Ross.”
Doris closed her eyes and shook her head. Oh, God, she was turning into a shrew like mama. Poor Henry, how damned unkind of her…how unfair. Sitting calmly on the bed she took hold of his hand. “Please forgive me, Henry. That was cruel. I’m making excuses for myself, but I’ve been under a lot of pressure. I’m tired and my nerves are shot. I know you’re doing the best you can. Please forgive me, dear. I love you. You’re the only one…who really loves me.”
“Your mother’s enough to make anyone crazy. I’m going to look for a flat first thing tomorrow morning.”
“Oh, Henry, thank you, I don’t care what it is or where, just as long as it’s ours.”
Henry called at eleven the next morning and was grateful that Doris answered the phone. He couldn’t have spoken a word to Sara this morning.
<
br /> “Honey, I found a two-bedroom flat in the Marina.”
“How much is the rent?”
“Seventy dollars a month—”
“Can we afford it?”
“We’ll manage. Can you meet me? I’d like you to see if before I sign the lease.”
“Take it, darling.”
“Suppose you don’t like it?”
“I’ll love it. When can we move in?”
“Anytime, tomorrow.”
“Sign the lease. And Henry, I love you.” …
At lunch, Doris sat silently at the table, watching mama eat her tomato and drink her tea. She didn’t feel up to the challenge of breaking the news to her mother, but it had to be done.
She said quietly, “Mama, that was Henry on the phone.”
“So?”
“He found a flat.”
Sara stopped chewing. “He found a flat? Where, in the Mission? How’s he going to get the money to pay the rent?”
“We have it,” Doris said, fidgeting with her napkin.
“You have the money?”
“Enough…”
“And you told me that day in the hospital you had to go live with Henry’s mother because you were so destitute?”
“Mama, you twist things…I said most of what we had was used up by the accident and my pregnancy. Look, mama, I don’t want to get into a fight over this. Please. It’s been too much for you with us living here. You cook and clean, and nothing I do suits you…I know you meant well, but it just hasn’t worked out. Besides, I want a home of my own.” Doris’ voice had risen and she was shocked to hear her vehemence. This was the first time she’d ever spoken to mama like this.
“Well, that’s the kind of gratitude I should have expected from you and your so-called husband. I took you in when you didn’t have a nickel to pay for the streetcar, fed you, clothed you…it was all for—”
“What do you want from me? Never mind, I’ll pay you back for all your goodness—”
Sara got up and slapped Doris across the mouth. “Listen to me, young lady, just who do you think you are? I gave birth to you and don’t you forget it. I had labor pains just like you. Now I want you out of my house today, do you hear? And we won’t impose our terrible hospitality on you anymore…you won’t get a quarter from us—”
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