That night they sat in the den and talked about her problems. “Sara, I can’t say that I totally blame you,” Henry said. “Loneliness drives people to do some very desperate things. But I can’t believe there’s no other way for you and Jacob to work out your differences. I think you’ve made a very, very serious error. Jacob isn’t a man who forgives easily, as you know, and before you do anything drastic I think you should try to—”
“I know you mean well, Henry, but I’m not exactly a child. I’m a fifty-year-old woman and this wasn’t an impulsive act. I just can’t go on living the way I’ve been. Tomorrow I have an appointment with an attorney. Once and for all, I’m going to find some kind of life for myself.”
“Well, divorce is a drastic step. If you have any doubts, think it over carefully. Jacob may never forgive you, take my advice, let things cool down for a while—”
“No, this is one time in my life I’ve made up my mind and I’m going to stick to it…”
The next day Sara went downtown, bought herself a new mink coat, an entire wardrobe at Elizabeth Arden, then went to the travel agency to get a flight to Palm Springs. Then she went to a rental agency and inquired about a house. Sight unseen, she leased an estate…Yes, indeed, she had made her decision. She was going to make friends, join clubs, entertain. Life was going to be everything she’d expected it to be, and about time too…
That evening when she came back and told Doris and Henry what she had done, they knew she had no idea of what she was doing. “Mama, in your present state of mind you just don’t realize what you’re doing. Please, for your own sake, don’t do this…It’s wrong. Try to fix up your differences with papa, somehow, some way. If you can live alone in Palm Springs why—”
“Doris, I’ve been married over thirty years and please don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing. For the first time in my life I know what I’m doing.”
“But this shopping spree will only aggravate matters. When papa gets the bills he’s going to know why you’ve done this—”
“I’m not returning anything. I have it coming to me—and that’s not all he’s going to pay for. He’s going to pay for every lonely minute without any love or affection…He only gets the message through his pocketbook.”
There was nothing either one of them could say to reach her. But maybe Lillian could get through to her? Doris called her late one night.
“Lillian, mama’s gone absolutely around the bend…she’s spending money right and left, and nothing Henry or I say can stop her.”
“I hate to tell you this, Doris, but papa’s just as angry at you as he is at mama. He thinks you’ve taken sides with her.”
“What would you have done, Lillian, if mama came to your house with her bags all packed? What would you have said…No, you’re not welcome? Would you have turned her away?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I think I would, and that’s what you should have done.”
“I haven’t sided with mama at all, Lillian. I pleaded and begged with her to go back to papa. But I can hardly throw her out, can I? I tried to get in touch with him but he refuses to talk with me.”
“I just told you why.”
“Well, when it gets down to taking sides, Lillian, haven’t you taken sides with him against mama?”
“No, not really. He’s rambling around the big house in Woodside and the only time we see him is when I invite him to dinner. Obviously, he’s very lonely. Not only lonely, but embarrassed and frightened about what this is going to mean to his finances. And the thing that hurts him most of all is having been served with divorce papers. You do know, Doris, that mama’s attorney subpoenaed his books? They want a settlement of half of what he has, plus five thousand dollars a month in temporary alimony. Look, nobody has to tell me what a difficult man he is, and I hardly blame her for everything, but the truth is she isn’t the only woman in the world who has a husband who makes his living traveling. It’s just that she has no…resilience, no desire or maybe ability to accept compromises of any kind…Other women do it, why couldn’t she? Instead of depending on all of us…Anyway, I think you’ve made a big mistake, Doris, by letting her stay with you…”
When they hung up Doris felt caught…Mama had not only disrupted her entire household, but had put her in the middle of something she wasn’t responsible for and had no idea what to do about…
After a month of separation much of the frenzied excitement of Sara’s previous determination began to subside. Now she began to miss her home, badly, and the thought of starting a new life at her age began to seem more and more frightening. In spite of herself, she also began to miss Jacob. Even though he was rarely home, at least there was a feeling of…permanency with him…
As the days wore on, her regrets and insecurities deepened. Now she privately hoped she could resolve things with Jacob, but how in the world could she put things right?
Henry and Doris noticed her worsening depression, and one afternoon Henry knocked on Sara’s door to talk to her about it. “Sara, we all make mistakes in our lives and some are irrevocable. But I honestly believe that you should try to make up with Jacob. You’re not happy without him…marriage becomes a habit. Believe me, Sara, I know what you’re feeling. Now if I suggest something, will you at least listen carefully?”
She nodded slowly.
“I know Jacob’s sentiments about our having taken sides with you—which doesn’t happen to be the case, as you know—but I’m more than willing to drive you home this evening and try to get the two of you back together again.”
Sara, in spite of herself, began to cry. Because, of course, that was really what she wanted, to go home to her husband. However, Henry would never be the person to bring about a reconciliation. Only one person could do that…Shlomo.
She called him immediately.
“Do you want me to come to Doris’, Sara?” She could hear the anxiety in Shlomo’s voice, and knew he was anxious to help.
“Thank you, but would it be all right if I came to your house? I want us to be alone.”
“Of course, Sara, come anytime—”
“What about eight o’clock?”
“Why don’t you come now? Nadine will hold dinner.”
Nadine was the last person she wanted to talk to, not under these circumstances…“Thank you very much, but we’re about to sit down. I’ll be there at eight. And you won’t mind if we speak alone? I’m sure you understand.” …
At eight o’clock Sara was sitting with Shlomo in his den. “You know that my life with Jacob was no bed of roses, Shlomo, and feeling desperate can push a person to do a lot of foolish things…but, well, emotions and feelings don’t stay the same. I’ve been separated a month, and I’ve taken a little different look at my life. Jacob and I were mere children when we met. I suppose the fact I’ve been married to him for so long makes me feel lost now…that’s how I feel, lost…Oh, God, I want to go back to him, tell me what I should do—”
“Well, Sara, to be honest, I don’t think Jacob’s going to be too receptive. He’s been badly hurt and the articles in the paper haven’t helped. I don’t know whether you know this, but his credit has been affected, too…banks get a little jumpy when they hear about divorces. All in all, it’s been tough on him, believe me…”
“You’re saying you don’t think there’s a chance…” Sara was chilled by the thought, and blamed herself for being so damned impetuous…well, what else was new…
“Nothing is impossible. Let’s go see Jacob tonight. He’s home, and I’ll try anything to get the two of you back together—”
“Do you think there’s a chance?”
“We’ll try.” …
When they arrived at the mansion in Woodside Jacob was sitting in the library. Shlomo suggested that Sara go up to her bedroom and wait while he’d had a chance to speak to his brother.
“Jacob,” he began, “look, brother, I know the kind of hell you’ve been through, and I also know that Sara isn’t exactly the eas
iest or calmest person in the world…But still, you’ve been together for a long time. This is no kind of life for you…”
Jacob got up agitatedly from his chair, but Shlomo persisted. “Now keep calm and listen. Sara realizes she’s made a very bad mistake, but you’ve got to realize her life with you has been difficult. There are two sides to every story, you know. She was lonely the first day she met you and she still is. But more now than ever. She’d like to come back…”
Jacob was pacing the floor. “Oh, would she? She’d really like me back? Do you know what this damned mess has cost me? Attorney’s fee, twenty-five thousand dollars, to start with. You want me to take her back? If I did, how long do you think if would last?”
“Look, Jacob, shocks can change a person. I think Sara has begun to realize her life wasn’t as bad as she thought it was. Being separated has given her a chance to take stock…She misses her home…Let’s be realistic about this. Sara’s not going to become a saint and neither are you. But if you go through with this divorce, it’s going to cost you one hell of a lot more than twenty-five thousand dollars. And forgetting money…what are you going to do? Live alone for the rest of your life? Get a new wife? You’ve got five grandchildren. My God, you’re both middle-aged people. You’ve lived through so much in your lives together and shared so much…What are you going to do, break up this beautiful home?”
“All right, everything you say is right, but how in hell could a woman have gone to such lengths, airing all our differences in public? How do you forgive a woman who does a thing like that?”
“The first thing I’d suggest is sitting down and talking together. Sara’s upstairs—”
Jacob stopped in his tracks. He thought of the years…he thought too of having to give her half of what he’d worked so desperately hard for…weighed the losses, the gains…And Gloria? He felt great affection for her and gratitude for her love, but he knew he wouldn’t marry her even if he did divorce Sara. He wouldn’t marry anyone. Still, how did he go back to a wife who’d stopped being a wife so long ago and try to start fresh? Who knew? What were the wonderful alternatives…?
“All right, have her come down.”
While Shlomo went to get Sara, Jacob opened the double doors to the bar and poured himself a full tumbler of bourbon, took a long swallow and sat down in his leather chair. When she came into the room, red-eyed and contrite, he felt more anger than sympathy, but still…
Finally Sara said quietly, “Jacob, I know you’ll never believe how much I regret having done what I did, but I wasn’t entirely to blame. The pressures put on me were greater than you can imagine…”
Jacob took another swallow of whiskey. “What pressures, Sara? I can’t be in two places at one time. If I was home you’d be complaining you were living like Gittel—you’d be living in the back of a store. You have this mansion and money means as much to you as it does to me. So when you talk about pressures, what do you think you’ve been deprived of? And how could you have gone so far as to serve me with papers for a divorce? How am I supposed to forget that?” He was working himself up now…“And how the hell did you get hold of an attorney like Brandon?”
“I was advised…what do I know about divorces or attorneys?”
“You were advised? Who advised you to go to Brandon?”
“Jacob, I’d rather not tell you.”
“Damn it, Sara, I want to know the whole story.”
A long pause, then Sara began quietly. “You must understand that I was in a very emotional state when I left. I’m not blaming anybody, but things began to build up…I had spoken to Doris at one point when I was really upset and she suggested that perhaps the best thing that could happen to us was a brief separation…If you could only understand the emotional strain I was under at the time. I thought perhaps she was right. When I said I was going to divorce you, it was only a stupid threat. I had absolutely no intention of going through with anything like that. But after staying with Doris and Henry—particularly Henry…He made me begin to realize that I was a young woman, and that if I wasn’t happy with you I could still make a life of my own. You’re a very rich man, and I could have a wonderful new life, travel…Well, people can be persuasive, and it hurts me to admit that in my state of mind I wasn’t thinking for myself. I was listening to him—”
Jacob sat silently until he recovered from the full impact of what Sara had said. He realized that, of course, Henry probably thought that if she came into a great deal of money, he could feather his nest. He wasn’t excusing Sara, not for one moment, but that son of a bitch Henry had tried to coerce her. That’s how she’d found out about Brandon, the biggest damn bloodsucker in the world…“You mean to tell me that Henry was the one who persuaded you to go ahead with this divorce?”
“I hate to admit that I was weak enough not to have seen through it to Henry’s reasons…But yes, Jacob, as a matter of fact he did.”
Sara began to realize what she had done, and she could only pray that Jacob would believe she had indeed been a victim. If she lost this gamble, she would pay a double price. And if she won? She lost Doris…God, she must be desperate. She was almost at the point of recanting when Jacob got up and filled the glass once again. “Well, Sara, as of this moment your daughter Doris and her so-called husband are out of my life. Betrayal like this is something I’ll never forget. I disinherit them, you’re my witness…and as for you, if you ever do anything like this again, as there’s a God above me, I’ll never take you back—not if it means giving you everything. How we’re going to resolve our lives I have no idea, but we’ll try to go on…nothing is going to change…I intend to do exactly as I have, and what you do with your life is strictly for you to decide.”
Sara could almost hear the sound of thirty pieces of silver being paid to Judas. That’s what it amounted to—she had crucified Doris…The daughter she’d never wanted…For this, she was sure, there could be no forgiveness…
It was midnight when she called Doris. “Doris, papa and I have gone back together.”
“Oh, mama, I’ve been waiting on pins and needles, hoping and praying that you’d make up.”
“Yes, Doris, we did…But I did something that I regret very much, Doris…I put you in a very awkward position—”
“I don’t care, mama, as long as you’re back together.”
Sara swallowed hard. “Well, I do care, Doris. Unfortunately, papa doesn’t want to have anything to do with you as long as he lives—”
Doris was stunned. “Why?”
“He feels that you took sides against him. I tried to explain to him that that wasn’t the case, but papa has to have a reason for taking me back. The only way he seems to be able to save face is by believing that you and Henry influenced me…I mean, by allowing me to stay with you. We know the truth, Doris, but he feels that you were very disloyal to him. No matter how I try to explain it to him, he refuses to speak to you—”
Doris’ outcry was like a knife in Sara—she was paying the piper already for getting Jacob back…
“Well, mama,” Doris said, trying to compose herself, “I guess what really matters is that you and papa are together again…I just hope and pray you’ll be happy…”
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
BECAUSE OF THE BREACH between Doris and her father, the relationship between Lillian and Doris also changed. Lillian’s and Jerry’s livelihood depended on Jerry’s job, and Jacob made it clear that their loyalties had better lie with him. As painful as it was for Lillian, she couldn’t endanger her family’s security.
But it was Doris for whom the next few years were the greatest trial, requiring the greatest emotional adjustment. It was particularly wrenching when the holidays came, when the family normally gathered together to celebrate. As dearly as she loved her husband and children, spending the holidays with just the four of them left her with an incompleteness she could not seem to overcome. She was bewildered that papa could hold her responsible for the separation from mama.
On
e day she got up enough courage to drive to the plant, but her father all but threw her out, called her and Henry ungrateful gonifs and said he would never see them again as long as he lived.
She came home in a state of total despair and called Lillian. Lillian knew that Doris was unaware of mama’s treachery, but she was too frightened to reveal the true story. To take Doris into her confidence would jeopardize her own position—and only add to Doris’ heartbreak…
The adjustments Doris had to make were more than just emotional ones. She even had to change temples. The family had always gone to Temple Emanuel and she saw them there once, but they had made a point of avoiding her.
She joined another temple. As she sat in the strange pew during the high holy day of Yom Kippur, she wondered what papa was thinking during the part of the service that said not until we learn to forgive one another can God forgive us. How could papa read that in the Union Prayerbook and not realize that he was giving lip-service to his religion, which in itself was a sin against God? And what had her terrible sin been, to offend her father so? My God, hadn’t mama explained that she’d come to Doris and that they had begged her to go back? Well, it really did no good, all the thinking, the wondering…The reality was that she was going to have to accept the fact that she was no longer wanted, that the lifeline had been cut and she was left adrift.
Sara had resumed her marriage but things were as they were before. Jacob was away much of the time, and she still made no attempt to create a life of her own. More and more she clung to Lillian.
Not a day went by that Jerry didn’t come home to find Sara present at dinner, and Jacob was frequently there too.
And now Lillian and Jerry began to have their troubles. He complained that he couldn’t put up with seeing Jacob all day and come home to him at dinner too. Other changes too…Lillian had become quite heavy—which Jerry noticed—and she was under such pressure that the house was often neglected.
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