As time went on she found herself almost avoiding Richard at the functions they went to, and lately she had begun to develop migraine headaches. She also had periods of deep depression but she fought them as best she could so Richard would not suspect her unhappiness. And for a time he hadn’t noticed, because she always made it a point to be buoyant, radiant, fortified with vodka and an occasional upper by the time he came home. But then she couldn’t sleep, and so she took a Seconal…
One night, though, Richard came home to find her sprawled across the bed too drunk to reply when he said her name. When she woke up later that evening, she could no longer deny the thought that this was a continuation of the pattern she’d had with Josh. But at least then she’d had some reason…she’d lost two children. What was happening to her now? Why couldn’t she adjust to this new life? She had everything a woman could possibly want, yet she was, face it, desperately unhappy.
Late that evening she went in to the library and found an equally unhappy Richard.
“What’s wrong with us, Richard?”
“I don’t think anything is wrong with me. But, baby, I think you’ve got a lot of problems. Just exactly what do you want, Michele? What did you think your life was going to be like with me?”
“All I wanted was someone I had a deep affection for and wanted to be with, hopefully all my life. I really didn’t know it was going to turn into a circus—”
“Well, we went to enough parties before we were married.”
“Yes, but I didn’t know that was going to be the centerpiece of our life. Do you realize, Richard, we’ve been married over a year and I don’t think we’ve had an evening alone?”
“That’s not the problem, Michele.”
“Well, maybe not entirely, but it’s a big part of it.”
“What’s the rest?”
“I feel like a parasite, so unnecessary. I’m just not doing anything constructive. I asked you to let me take a job, and I’d still like to go to work—”
“And you think that would solve the problem? Let me tell you what I think the problem is, Michele. I knew it before we got married, but I foolishly hoped it would change.”
“What’s that, Richard?”
“You’re still in love with your ex-husband, plus you’re still playing the part of the bereaved mother.”
She was stunned. “That’s cruel…I haven’t heard you say that you wanted a family. That might mean settling down for you, wouldn’t it, Richard?”
“To be quite honest, no, I don’t want a family, but that’s not the point. The point is that you’re still living in the past and you can’t put up with realities or make the compromises we all have to make. I wouldn’t have married you if I hadn’t thought it was going to succeed. But then, I’m not a soothsayer, so I couldn’t predict you weren’t going to be happy living my kind of life, even now that you’ve had two years to adjust to it…You’ll never be happy with me because you want something I can’t give you. You want me to be somebody I’m not—namely, Joshua. So I think before we really sour on each other we had better call it quits—”
“But I love you, Richard—”
“No, you don’t, and you never did. I loved you and I thought that would be enough. Wrong, it’s not.”
Michele was reeling. “Richard, I know part of what you’ve said is true. Yes, I have lived with a ghost. But your life is so fast and furious I just don’t feel I can keep up with it. I feel like I’m running to stay in place all the time…Richard, we’ve both made mistakes in our lives…maybe I can learn to adjust to all of this. Please just give me the time, believe me…I’ll try—”
“Michele, please, I’ve known more than a few women in my life, but when I met you I was overwhelmed. You were and are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, but that’s not enough. You don’t love me or need me because you’re still clinging to the past. But the past can never give you any satisfaction. You’d better get rid of those ghosts. Until you do, believe me, you’re not going to live with any man and be happy.”
“And you’re willing to give up, just like that?”
“Just like that? My God, this has been coming almost since we first got married. It isn’t that I don’t love you anymore, it’s just that I’m facing the facts. Someone has to…”
A long silence. Michele got up and poured herself a drink. She turned around. “Would you like one?”
“No, I don’t have to get bombed to face the facts of my life.”
She looked at him, suddenly knowing that he was right and that she had to accept it. “I don’t think I can ever tell you how I feel about this…I’m so terribly sorry, Richard.”
“So am I. Nobody wanted this to work more than I did.”
“What do you want to do?”
“You can go to Las Vegas or Reno. A year is a hell of a long time to wait for a divorce, and you’ve been through enough.”
“I’ll do anything you say…”
The next morning Michele was on a plane to Reno. Las Vegas, like San Francisco, had too many memories.
Richard sat in his den for three days. Much of the time he was drunk—despite his rather stuffy words to Michele earlier about not needing booze to face reality—and all of the time he wondered if his decision had been the right one. Damn, he loved her. In fact, he knew full well that no woman in his future would ever measure up to her. But she wasn’t in love with him, and never would be, not five years from now, not ten years from now. There’d still be Joshua. God damn him…
Doris not only felt Michele’s failure, but her own.
That day, so long ago, sitting in the park watching Michele come down that slide, sitting there with her belly bulging…that day she had thought she had the answer to what children needed. How wise she was then. Now she found herself feeling she didn’t know much of anything. She had tried to direct her children, give them her moral strength, always hoping she was directing their destinies in the right channel, that eventually they would become happy, fulfilled people with spiritual values to sustain them. But she had failed with both her children, though in different ways.
Last night Gary had come home and sat in the den with herself and Henry, trying to explain. “You’ve got to understand, mom and dad, I hadn’t meant to fall in love with Robin Baker, I just did. And the fact that she isn’t Jewish is something that neither one of us can help. I don’t want to hurt you and I wish to God for your sakes it could have been Barbara Levy, but it’s not…it’s Robin.”
Doris was shaken. “The thing that hurts more than anything, Gary, is that you weren’t honest with us. I kept asking you how serious you were with this girl and you kept evading me. Why couldn’t you just have told me that you loved her? At least we might have been prepared.”
Henry took it even harder. “I will never accept this girl as my daughter-in-law. In fact, if you marry her, she can’t come into my house.” Oh God, Doris thought, where had she and her sisters heard that before…
“Gary, leave your father and me alone for a little while, will you?”
When he did, Doris sat quietly with Henry. “Henry, I do know how you feel. We’ve tried to be aware of our children’s needs, but let’s be sensible and good parents. Whether we like this girl isn’t really all that important. What is important is that Gary is our son. If you threaten him, you’ll only end up losing him. Believe me…he’ll still choose her over us. I haven’t spoken to my parents or my family in nearly twenty years, and who do you think gains? Nobody. Parents have disappointments, but Gary loves this girl. She comes from a decent family, and whether I like her or not I’m going to accept her. I believe you should do the same…our children are all we’ve got.”
Henry stood up, shaking his head. “How could that boy have done this to us—?”
“Henry, to us…? Look, it isn’t in the scheme of things for parents to choose mates for their children. Gary’s in love with this girl. Make up your mind to accept her, Henry. Pretend if you have to, but don’t lose
your son because of your own disappointment.”
Henry didn’t have to answer. Doris knew he was hurt, deeply disappointed, but she was sure he would see the wisdom of accepting what she said. She got up and called Gary back in. He sat down nervously.
“Gary, your father and I, as you know, don’t approve of the marriage, but if this is the girl you want to marry, we give you our blessing.”
Gary now had tears in his eyes. “I’m just sorry you’re both hurt and that she couldn’t be the girl you’d like to see me marry. But I’m very much in love with her…and if this will give you any comfort, she’s converting.”
“If you’re doing that for our sake, don’t. It’s a very great mistake to force—”
“No, mom. As a matter of fact, when Robin and I decided to get married I told her that my children were going to be raised as Jews. She insisted on becoming Jewish. As a matter of fact, she’s been going through the training now for six months.”
“How does her family feel about this?”
“Well, Mrs. Baker was quite upset, but Mr. Baker less so. It seems a shame that religion gets in the way like this…”
“If two people love each other, it needn’t.”
Gary knew his mother’s heartbreak, but he loved her for having said it.
“When are you going to be married, Gary?”
“In two weeks, at Sherith Israel. That’s where Robin’s been studying.”
“And how are you going to manage your financial affairs? You still have a few months of college to complete.”
“Robin’s going to work and I’ll take a part-time job. In fact, I already have one, pumping gas at Shell Oil. Her family’s going to help us a little.”
“Well, dad and I will help you out with a check every month. At least you have the prospect of going into a good firm as soon as you graduate.” She got up, put her arms around him. “No matter what, you’re still our son, and we love you. Never forget that.”
Two weeks later the Bakers and their younger daughter sat on the right side in the temple and Henry and Doris sat together on the left and witnessed their children’s marriage.
After the ceremony the seven of them went to dinner at the Fairmont Hotel. The disappointment the newlyweds’ parents felt was in the back of their minds, but for the sake of their children they pushed it aside. The occasion was amiable, if subdued. When dinner was over, Mr. Baker shook hands with Henry. Doris pecked Mrs. Baker on the cheek, smiled and said, “I hope the children will be very happy. I’m sure they will…”
Then they all left, Doris and Henry driving silently to the house in Seacliff, the Bakers to the house in Precita Terrace, and the newlyweds to their Spartanly furnished studio apartment.
And so life began for the Gary Levins…
When Doris went to bed that night, she lay awake thinking of the year Michele had first married, when Henry’s mother had died and Michele had become pregnant. At the time she had thought that life balanced out, with beginnings and endings. But the events since then had made her wonder, especially now, with her pain over Gary’s marriage and Michele’s divorce. She could only pray that God would help her children find their way, where she had failed.
CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN
AFTER THE SIX WEEKS of legal residence were up in Reno, Michele was once again free to come and go as she pleased. No obligations, no husband, no children…only herself. Wonderful. She was awarded seven hundred and fifty dollars a month in alimony.
She came home to spend some time with her mother. They avoided talking about the past and the future, but the time finally came when Michele knew she’d have to pick up her life once again.
She couldn’t stay in San Francisco, particularly now that Josh had remarried and had a baby girl. She couldn’t go back to Los Angeles, because that too was a reminder of failure, with Richard. The six weeks in Reno had been lonely, but somehow that seemed to be a place that offered a little hope, a little excitement…a place where there could be a new beginning…
Doris was opposed to Michele’s living in Reno, it just didn’t seem the proper environment. But if Michele felt more at ease there, she’d simply have to accept it. Still, she ventured to say, “Darling, before you make the decision, there isn’t any need for you to leave San Francisco. I’d be less than honest if I said my feelings are completely unselfish…of course I want to have you with me. But San Francisco is a big city and a lot of time has passed. Why don’t you think about staying?”
“Mama, I have, but I don’t think it would be good for me…really.”
“Well, you do what your heart tells you.” And let’s just hope it isn’t a foolish one…
Michele’s adjustment to her divorce from Richard was not quite as traumatic as it had been with Josh. The sense of failure was there, but the feeling of loss was not the same. Her affection for Richard had been genuine, but it had never been the love she’d had for Josh. Forgetting was simpler.
Her greatest regret was having hurt Richard so badly, but she knew he had done the right thing. Their marriage could never have worked, no matter how hard they tried.
She found a small apartment, and Richard was very kind and concerned when she called to ask that her furniture be shipped. In fact, he had been so sweet she had spent a few days in an emotional turmoil, caught between her regret over the past and her fear of the future. But in those moments she found her mother’s strength helping to sustain her…“Darling, the only answer to most problems is work. It doesn’t give us time to feel sorry for ourselves.”
Also, somehow Reno was not quite as lonely for her as Los Angeles had been. That had been the first time she’d ever been cut off from the people she loved, and because she had led such a sheltered and protected life she hadn’t been prepared to cope on her own. But her mother was right. Time was the greatest healer…
Michele found a job in a dress shop owned by a delightful middle-aged couple, and almost from the very beginning Paul and Fran Kaufman took a great liking to her. They began to include her as a member of the family, and Fran’s affection was returned a thousandfold. Michele needed the stability of a mother surrogate, which Fran was pleased to be.
Michele even went to temple with them on the high holy days. It wasn’t quite like home, she wrote her mother, but she had an anchor. It was what she needed.
And Doris thanked God that at long last her Michele actually seemed at peace.
During the Christmas season the Kaufmans gave a party. This had been a yearly event for the past twenty years, and since the Kaufmans had lived in Reno most of their lives there were few people they did not know.
The party was noisy and cheerful, and Michele was enjoying herself. As she stood thinking about the contrast between this party and the ones she had attended with Richard, Fran came bustling through the crowd to find her. “Michele, darling, I want you to come and meet a very, very dear friend…”
The friend turned out to be one Eliot Burns.
Michele wasn’t sure if it was the Christmas punch or Eliot Burns, but he was surely the most attractive man she’d met in a very long time. The fact that there was no resemblance at all to Joshua or Richard helped. And what pleased her even more was that he wasn’t Jewish, which meant, of course, no involvements, no reminders.
Eliot was a lanky six-footer, with sandy hair and eyes that seemed to change from gray to green. Her father would immediately have labeled him a typical shaygets, but Michele liked his easy manner. In spite of the well-tailored suit, somehow she could visualize him tall in the saddle. Except there was no Western twang in his voice. He was Nevada-born and Purdue-educated.
“How come you waited till tonight to introduce me to this beauty?” he said to Fran.
“Why, I thought the only thing you were interested in was that little spread of yours.”
“Well, I have other interests from time to time—like right now.”
Without asking permission, he took Michele in his arms and the two were dancing.
“Well, I have to say one thing about you. You’re not shy…and you don’t waste any time,” Michele said, smiling as she did.
“Don’t believe in either. Especially wasting time. How do you feel about leaving this party and—”
“I don’t believe in it. I’m enjoying myself and I haven’t done that in a long time.”
“Oh? Then how about breakfast tomorrow.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“What about lunch and dinner? You might as well say yes now, because when I get set on something I’m not too easily put off. Just stubborn, you might say.”
Michele was sure he wasn’t being a bit serious, but she was intrigued nonetheless. “And if I said no?”
“Wouldn’t do a bit of good. I’ll be keeping you up day and night answering the phone.”
“You’re crazy, you know that?”
“I’ve been trying to tell you that for the last ten minutes. Now that you know, where do you want to eat?”
“Surprise me.”
“Okay.”
Michele was indeed surprised. He picked her up after work in his jeep, looking exactly like the image she’d had of him the night before. He was dressed like Gary Cooper in High Noon, except for the six-shooters. Since she couldn’t quite manage the height of the step into the jeep, he hoisted her into the seat, got in on the other side and took off like a rocket down the middle of the busiest street in downtown Reno.
As they were heading out of the city limits, Michele asked, “Where is this restaurant?”
“Can’t hear you. Knew I should have had this damned bucket turned.”
“I asked where we’re going.”
“With a little patience, you’re going to have the best damn dinner you ever had.”
“How far is this place?”
“Oh, could be a day or a week.”
“Will you be serious, please?”
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