Because oh, dear Lord, did she want to kiss him. Or have him kiss her. Whichever, whatever, didn’t matter. Worse, though—since she clearly had a masochistic streak a mile wide—it was killing her not to ask him what he really wanted from her. With her.
Because if she did, then he’d have to answer. And whatever the answer was she already knew she’d have no idea what to do with it.
Because then she’d have to decide what she really wanted from him.
With him.
“Thanks for watching the kids,” she mumbled, giving Risa a quick nuzzle and kiss before scurrying away, like the flustered coward she was.
* * *
Josie was lying on her back in the backyard, the sun hot on her closed eyelids, when suddenly it got darker.
“What on earth are you doing, little girl?”
The laughter in Levi’s voice made her giggle before she opened her eyes to find him standing over her with Risa in his arms. He was so big, like a giant. A lot bigger than Daddy, she thought. Although truthfully she was remembering Daddy less and less these days. A thought that made her heart hurt.
“I like to lie in the sun and think about stuff.”
“Sounds reasonable,” Levi said, sitting beside her. He set Risa in the grass, although she immediately started crawling away. It was crazy, how fast she was on her hands and knees. But Radar, who’d been asleep beside Josie, jumped up and got in front of the baby, making sure she didn’t go too far. Josie hugged her knees, her forehead squished.
“Where’s Mama?”
“She went to work. So I’m staying with you guys until she gets back. If that’s okay with you?”
“Oh. Yeah, sure.” Josie picked off a piece of little plant with itty-bitty purple flowers on it. Mama said it was a weed, but it was still pretty. “Thank you for breakfast.”
“You’re welcome. Hey,” Levi said, gently bumping shoulders. “What’s going on?”
“Just thinking about Daddy.”
“Ah.”
She squinted up at Levi in the bright sun. “Do you mind if I talk about him?”
“Not at all. Why should I?”
“Because he was your best friend?”
“All the more reason to talk about him, right?”
“Yeah, that would be my take on it,” she said on a sigh, wondering why Levi sounded like he was trying not to laugh. “But if I talk about him to Mama or Gramma, they go all weird on me. I mean, I can see they’re trying not to, but that only makes it weirder. You know?”
“I do.”
“So how come it doesn’t bother you?”
Levi got real quiet, then said, “Because when I look at you and Risa, it’s like your dad is right here. And that helps me not miss him so much.”
“Huh.” Josie thought about that for a moment. “So how come Mama and Gramma don’t feel like that?”
“Couldn’t tell you. Although I guess...it’s all about perspective.”
“What’s that?”
“How a person looks at things. Not with their eyes, but with their minds. Your mom and your grandmother...maybe they only see what they’re missing. I see what I had. The crazy times your dad and I used to have together. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, knowing we won’t ever be able to have any more of those crazy times, but remembering them...” He smiled. “It makes me feel very...rich.”
“But what if you don’t have those memories? Or at least, not a lot of them. And Risa...” She nodded at her sister, gurgling at the dog as she patted his back. “She never even met Daddy. So she can’t remember him.”
Levi leaned back on his elbow, his own forehead all crinkly. “I see your point.”
“Yeah. Sucks.”
He smiled again, then looked over at her. His eyes... They always made her feel safe. As if she didn’t have to be afraid when he was around. “You know if there’s any pictures of your dad?”
She thought. “I know Gramma has this big book with some. I’m not sure about Mom, though. Maybe on her phone?”
“And there’s probably some on people’s computers, too,” Levi said. “So how’s about we print out some of those pictures, then make an album for Risa? Then your mom and I, and your grandparents, could write down our memories of him to go along with the pictures. That way, your dad won’t be forgotten.”
“Really? We could do that?”
“Absolutely.” Then Levi got a funny look on his face. “I know I said it’d be for Risa—and you, of course—but it might also be a good way to help your mom and your grandparents deal with your dad not being here anymore. To help them remember the good times.” He grinned. “How funny your dad was. And how much he liked to have fun.”
Josie wrapped her arms around her legs to lean her chin on her knees, thinking this over. “So if we do this, it might help Mama stop being so sad all the time?”
“Couldn’t hurt to try, right?”
No, Josie thought. She didn’t suppose it would. Then she made a face.
“Ew, Risa—you stink so bad!”
Levi laughed, and her baby sister grinned, her chin all shiny with drool. For somebody so cute, she sure could be gross. Then Levi got to his feet, swinging the baby up against his side, as if it didn’t even bother him how yucky she smelled. “Oh, yeah, somebody definitely needs her pants changed,” he said, then held out his hand to Josie. “Then let’s go over to your grandma’s, see about getting some of those pictures.”
And Josie put her hand in his, and you know what? For the moment, things felt pretty okay. In fact, once they got inside and Levi took the baby upstairs to change her diaper, Josie went over to the DVD player and took out Elf. She’d watched it so much she could practically say all the words along with the characters. And she still loved it. But she thought maybe she didn’t need it to remember Daddy anymore. Especially now that Levi was around.
Smiling, she carefully put the DVD back into its case and then on the shelf under the TV, where it would be safe.
* * *
It’d been slower than usual, which Val supposed wasn’t all that surprising for the day after the Fourth. Even so, yesterday’s shindig had netted her—and the diner—a few new customers, so the day wasn’t a total loss. But by three the place was dead. Except for Charley, of course, in his usual spot at the end of the counter.
Val slid a piece of chocolate cream pie in front of him, warmth flooding her when his face lit up.
“For me?”
“Nobody else.”
“She’s spoiling you something rotten,” Annie said good-naturedly as she swiped down the counter. Charley grinned around a mouthful of rich chocolate and whipped cream.
“And don’t I know it.”
“And what you probably don’t know,” Annie said to Val, “is that I had somebody from the ski resort in today asking if we—well, you—sold in bulk.”
“The resort?”
“Yep. Apparently word’s gotten out that we sell the best pies in northern New Mexico. So they want a piece of the action. Well, more than a piece. The gal said they could probably move several dozen whole pies a day during peak season.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope. And before you go off on some rant about loyalty or whatever...you’d be an idiot to turn up your nose at the opportunity. Unless you want to waitress for me the rest of your life? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So, here.” Annie dug into her pocket and handed Val a business card. “There’s her number. Call her.”
“And how on earth would I handle that kind of volume?”
“You give the idea to the universe, let the universe figure it out. Oh, customer...” Annie smiled for the slight graying man who’d come in clutching a brown cowboy hat in his hands. “Go on and take a seat anywhere. Want some coffee?”
“No, actually I’m looking for someone.” Bandy-legged and slightly barrel-chested, the man had “rodeo rider” written all over him. Or one of the clowns maybe. In any case, Val’d never seen him before. Until pale blue eyes shot t
o hers, as a shy, almost frightened smile creased the man’s sun-beaten face...and Val’s heart shot into her throat.
“Valerie Ann?” the man said softly, gnarled fingers now strangling the hat’s brim. “You probably don’t recognize me—”
“No. I do,” she said, impossible though that might seem.
The man’s smile softened. Grew.
And once again, her world went sideways.
Chapter Eleven
Val couldn’t remember when she’d determined that treating other people better than she’d been treated was her ticket out of her lousy childhood. Not that she hadn’t had issues with people, for various reasons—like, say, Levi—but even as a kid she realized that returning cursing for cursing did nobody any favors. Especially herself. Maybe she had no control over the events of her life, but how she reacted to those events was entirely up to her. Mostly, anyway.
A fact she now reminded herself of as she sat in a back booth with her father, who looked every bit as awkward as she felt. God knows her first impulse had been to run, but something—Annie, most likely—had held her back. And thus far she couldn’t decide whether being in shock made the encounter easier or harder. She only prayed it would be over soon.
She’d texted Levi to make sure it was okay if she was late. She didn’t say why. Although what did it say about her sorry state of mind, that she half wished he was here with her, all calm and steady and rocklike? And right there was the problem, wasn’t it?
“Why?” she now said, glaring at her hands folded in front of her on the table. Refusing to meet her father’s eyes. Because no way was she getting sucked in. No. Damn. Way.
“Why am I here?” he asked. “Or why did I leave?”
At least he had the courage to come straight to the point. Meaning she needed to find enough to look at the man. “Take your pick.”
“You have every right to be pissed off—”
“That’s not even a question,” she said, refusing to flinch at the guilt darkening his gaze.
He scrubbed his hand across his whiskery face, looking...worn-out. It occurred to Val she had no idea how old he actually was. Or even his last name, actually. “Surprising you like this probably wasn’t the best move, but since I didn’t know how else to contact you...it was one of those spur-of-the-moment things, you know? I was on my way north for a rodeo and... I can’t explain it. It was like something pushed me back here, and then I found myself asking if anybody knew you. Guy up the street, he pointed me in the right direction.” He smiled, revealing a missing incisor. “And here you are—”
“Right where I’ve been most of my life.” Except for the years she’d been in Texas, when Tommy was in the service. But this man didn’t need to know that. “So you could’ve put in an appearance anytime. And not only because ‘something’ prompted you to see if I was around, like some old high school classmate you decided to look up.”
“Your mother...she didn’t tell you? About what happened between us?”
“Natalie never mentioned you at all after you left.”
Her father released a resigned sigh. “No surprise there, I guess.” His forehead creased. “You call her by her first name?”
“It worked for us.” Val paused. “Do you even know she passed away?”
“No.” A brief startled look was almost instantly replaced with what Val could only surmise was relief. “When?”
“Few years back. Cancer.”
“I’m sorry to hear that—”
“Somehow I doubt it. Since you don’t seem particularly bothered that she didn’t talk about you.”
“Considering how badly I screwed up? Why would she? I didn’t... You need to know, Valerie, I didn’t leave of my own accord. Your mother kicked me out.” He cleared his throat. “Because she found out I was cheating on her.”
Val almost laughed. “Oh, jeez—”
“I was a twenty-four-year-old asshole, Valerie. What the hell did I know about responsibility?”
Twenty-four? Which would have made him...nineteen when she was born. Seven years younger than her mother. Holy hell.
“That why you’re not listed on my birth certificate?”
His mouth turned down at the corners. “That wasn’t my choice—believe me.”
Val sagged back in the booth, her arms crossed. “Are you even sure...?”
“That I’m your dad? Yeah. I took you into Albuquerque when you were a baby, had a paternity test done.”
“Wow. Were they even that common back then?”
“Not like they are now, no. And, boy, was your mother mad when the test results landed in our mailbox. But...” His scruffy cheeks puffed when he released a breath. “I just wanted to be sure. Like you said.”
To get away from the storm inside her head, Val looked out the window. At some point the absurdity of the encounter was going to hit her between the eyes, but for now shock numbed the anger. Somewhat, anyway.
“I found a picture,” she said quietly, facing him again, “when I came back to clear out my mother’s things. Of the two of you, with me as a toddler. Your name was on the back. Your first name, anyway. Otherwise I wouldn’t have even known that much. The photo was mixed in with some other papers. I doubt she even remembered it was there—”
“It’s McAdams.”
“Pardon?”
“My last name. McAdams.”
Val took a moment to process this before her forehead knotted. “You were really that young?”
Her father leaned sideways to pull his wallet out of his back pocket, which he flipped open to show her his driver’s license. His hand shook, she noticed. Not badly, but way too much for a man only in his late forties. Craig Andrew McAdams, it said. The picture was recent. He wasn’t smiling.
“I wasn’t ready to be a father, to be honest,” he said quietly, shifting again to replace the wallet. “But when Nat told me she was pregnant, I figured I should at least try. Shoot, I even offered to marry her. She was having none of it. Actually she wasn’t even all that hot on us moving in together. And considering how bad things were between us, I should’ve probably listened to her.”
“So you cheated on her.”
His mouth tightened. “It was an impossible situation. We weren’t getting along—at all—but there you were, and...” He shrugged, his eyes watering. “Like I said. I screwed up. With her, with you...everybody. But I did love you. And for more than five years, I gave it my best shot, I swear. As much as the sorry piece of crap I was understood how to do that.”
“Only not enough to ever make contact again.”
Craig glanced down at his scarred hands, then back at her. “There was more. I might’ve...been involved in a few things I shouldn’t’ve been. Your mother used that as leverage.”
“Things?”
“Drugs,” he said, and Val shut her eyes, feeling as if she’d just stepped into an episode of Breaking Bad. “The cheating, I think Nat might’ve gotten over. Onetime thing, meant nothing. We’d had a fight...” He waved away the rest of the thought. “But the other stuff... I guess everybody has their line in the sand. That was hers. She said if I tried to contact you, she’d sic the cops on me. So my hands were tied. For what it’s worth, I’m clean now. Have been for years.”
“Glad to hear it.”
Craig grimaced. “But by the time I’d gotten my head on straight, so much time had passed, I figured you’d probably forgotten me. Or didn’t care.”
“You’re right. I didn’t. Care, I mean.” Or so she’d convinced herself.
“And the other?”
Val hesitated, glancing out the window before meeting his hopeful gaze again. “I didn’t exactly remember you. How could I—I was so little when you left? But I never forgot you, either. Doesn’t mean, however, that I’m even remotely interested in resurrecting a relationship you killed.”
Her stomach quaking, Val pushed herself out of the booth. “Blame my mother all you want—and believe me, I understand where you’re coming from on t
hat—but everything happened as a consequence of decisions you made. And sorry, but excuses don’t cut it. Because I was young, too, when I got married, had my first daughter. And trust me—nothing in heaven or on earth could’ve convinced me to abandon her. Yeah, you had a lot of crap to work through, I got it. But once you did...”
She swallowed past the knot in her throat. “You knew what my mother was like, but you never even tried to find out if I was okay. On what planet is that loving me? So thanks, but no thanks.”
Several seconds passed before her father pushed out a heavy sigh. “So I guess checking to see if you’re okay now doesn’t really count?”
She thought of Levi, everything he’d done for her and the girls in the name of making sure they were okay, and her heart twisted in her chest. “What do you think?”
“It was a long shot,” her father said quietly, then stood as well, grabbing his hat off the seat. “You’re married, then? I mean, if I can at least ask that much?”
Oh, dear God—could this conversation get any worse? Val took a moment to steady her breathing. “Was. My husband...was killed. In Afghanistan. Last year.”
What looked like genuine sympathy flooded faded eyes. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” Val nodded, unable to speak. “And you said, um, you have a daughter?”
“Two, actually. Josie is seven, Risa isn’t a year yet.”
“So you’re raising them on your own?”
“Not entirely, no,” she said and left it there.
Silence jittered between them for several seconds before her father dug his wallet out again, this time extracting a ratty-looking business card, which he handed to her. Along with his name and cell phone number was a picture of him in rodeo clown getup. Under other circumstances, Val might’ve smiled.
“What with everything you’ve been through,” Craig said softly, “the last thing you needed was me butting back into your life right now. I’m more sorry about that than I can say. And God knows I don’t deserve anything from you. Especially forgiveness. Because you’re right. What happened between your mother and me was a long time ago, and at some point I should’ve at least tried to make things right between you and me. That I didn’t...there’s no excuse for that. So I’m just grateful...” He cleared his throat. “That at least I got to see you again. Talk to you for a minute. But you keep that card,” he said, tapping it. “And if, at some point, it seems right to tell those girls of yours about me...”
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