by Nicole Hart
I went back into my room, but didn’t shut the door. I had to make sure he was ok. I didn’t want him trying to leave while he was drunk or throwing up in his sleep. So I just listened to him snore. I must have dozed off, because the feel of the mattress moving jerked me awake. 4:15.
“What are you doing?” I asked, as he snuggled against my back and put his arm around me.
“I’m holding you darlin,” he said quietly.
“Moon, go back in the living room,” I said quietly, but I didn’t even mean it.
“Nope,” he said, as he kissed my shoulder.
“Moon, please,” I said. I was trying to be strong and keep him away. He deserved more than I could give him.
“Hush. Go to sleep,” he said, as he scooted even closer to me.
I felt like I fit against him. I had missed him so much. I knew we couldn’t do this, but right now, it felt too good. I missed his arms around me. And I felt my body sink against him. For the first time in a month, I felt comforted.
I woke up with the sun shining through my window. I opened my eyes. 8:15. I had slept for four hours. Straight. This hadn’t happened since that night. I couldn’t believe I actually slept. But when I felt his hand twitch against my stomach, I realized why. God, I’ve missed him so much. But he deserves so much better than me.
Lainey would be here in forty five minutes, I had to get ready. So I slid out of bed as gently as I could and headed into the bathroom. I couldn’t help but look back at him. He had turned on his back when I got up but he was still sleeping soundly. He had his hand draped over his bare chest. He really was beautiful. And huge. He’s been working out a lot more, it was obvious. Damn.
When I heard Lainey pull in the driveway, I couldn’t help but take another peek at him. I left my keys on the bar for him, since he didn’t have his truck, that way he wouldn’t be stuck here. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way about the car as me. He could keep the damn thing for all I cared; I was never getting in it again. I grabbed my phone and searched my contacts.
Me: I’m on my way, be there in 15.
Sheila: I’ve got the coffee waiting sweetie.
I picked up my purse and headed out the door after I gave Moon one last look. Damn, I loved him so much it hurt. I closed the door quietly and walked down the steps. I got in Lainey’s car and she looked at me with a smile.
“I’m so proud of you, Sam,” she said, as she reached over and gave me a hug.
“Let’s do this,” I said, after a long exhale.
I wasn’t looking forward to this, but I had finally realized I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t stay in my room for the rest of my life, no matter how bad I wanted to. When I unpacked my bag from the hospital and Sheila’s number fell out, I was confused and in shock. I left it on my nightstand for weeks. But after talking to Lainey, I finally got the courage to call her. Turns out, she wasn’t just sympathetic; she knew exactly what I was going through. I prayed that she could help me. Trying to handle this alone was going to drive me crazy; I had to try something different.
The talk with Sheila definitely helped me realize I wasn’t the only person who had been through this. I wasn’t going crazy; I just had to work through this process. I told her about the way I was feeling about Moon. She gave me the same advice Lainey did. Let Moon decide whether he wanted to be with me. It was something we both experienced, and we needed each other to lean on. She assured me that he would stand beside me. She told me about him staying at the hospital the entire time, staring at my door. She told me about their talk in the elevator. I was still so confused, though. I didn’t want to hold him back from getting the life he deserved. He wanted to be a dad, and that was something I could never give him. She tried to convince me to talk to him about the way I was feeling. I wanted to; I wanted him to understand how much I loved him. I wasn’t rejecting him; I was trying to save him from a life of resentment.
When we pulled into my driveway, I noticed a silver Jeep wrangler sitting there. Who the hell was that? I looked over at Lainey and she was trying to hide a smile.
“What?” I asked.
“Who is that?” I said as I stared at her.
“He loves you,” she said. And then I realized that my car wasn’t in the driveway. No way.
When Lainey put her car in park, I opened my door and walked over to the jeep. There was a note to me on the steering wheel.
Sam,
You’ve always wanted one of these. You needed a car, Don’t fight me on this, just accept it. Take her for a spin.
I love you
Moon
He bought me a jeep. He knew I could never drive my car again; I didn’t even need to tell him. He was taking care of me when I was turning my back on him. I felt like a horrible person. Tears started to fall from my eyes. I was so sick of feeling emotional. I was sick of crying all the time. I just wanted to feel better. Why couldn’t I just feel better?
“She sure is pretty,” Lainey said, as she stood behind me.
“You knew he was doing this?” I asked wiping the tears away.
“He told me this morning,” she said with a sad smile. It was the same look she’s been giving me all day. I hated being felt sorry for.
“I can’t,” I started to speak, when Lainey interrupted me.
“Don’t. Don’t even think about it. You’re taking it. And you need to go over there and thank him in person.”
“I can’t,” I repeated.
“Yes, you can,” she said, as she reached around me and picked up the keys out of the seat.
“Here…go.” she said, and put the keys in my hand.
I jerked the keys out of her hand and glared at her.
“Plus, your house is locked. You left the keys with Moon,” she said with a smile.
“You’re a bitch,” I said quietly, as I stared at the keys.
Lainey reached over and hugged me tight.
“Only because I love you. And I learned from the best,” she said “Now go.”
She walked over to her car and waved before she put it reverse. When she was out of sight, I sat inside the Jeep. It was beautiful. I had told Moon once that I wanted one; I should have known he wouldn’t forget. What the hell. I put the key in the ignition and listened as the engine roared. I almost smiled. Almost.
Maybe Sheila was right. He deserved to know how I felt. I owed it to him. It was his baby, too. The tears started falling again as I imagined him holding our baby. I had to push the image out of my mind. I looked over at the CD player. There was a sticky note that said “Press Play.” So I did. The Perfect Storm by Brad Paisley started playing. I cried as I listened to the entire song with my head resting on the steering wheel.
Fuck it. I put it in reverse and headed to his house. His arms were the only thing that gave me an ounce of comfort. And I needed them. I needed him.
Chapter 26
Moon
I was sitting on a barstool in the barn strumming my old guitar. I didn’t bring it out very often. But when I played, it relaxed me. And I needed to relax. I was disgusted with myself for pulling a drunk last night. I hardly even remembered going to Sam’s. Everything was blurry. But when I woke up on her couch, I knew I had to take the chance. When I crawled in her bed, I just wanted to melt into her. And this morning, when she woke up, I was already awake, just too scared to move. When I felt her lips brush across my arm as she slid out of bed, I wanted to climb on top of her. But I couldn’t. She was so frail. She had lost so much weight. When I watched her walk into the bathroom, that permanent knife in my chest twisted. She looked so weak; she was broken. It hurt too much, so I closed my eyes and pretended to still be asleep.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her walking towards me. I wanted to stop playing and look up, but I was scared I was imagining it and she would disappear. But I realized I wasn’t when I watched her feet coming closer to me. I closed my eyes, praying I wasn’t seeing things. I sat the guitar down on the table next to me and opened my eyes. She wa
s standing right in front of me. My everything. God, I’ve missed her so much. I recognized a small part of that look in her eye. She was filled with pain, but there was something else there. Desire.
“Moon,” she whispered, as she put her lips against mine.
I put my arms around her gently, trying not to concentrate on how tiny she was. She’s always been small, but she had lost too much weight. I slid my tongue in her mouth, craving her taste. Fuck, I missed this so much.
“I’ve missed you so much, Sam,” I said, as I broke our kiss and looked into her eyes.
“Make me forget, please,” she whispered with her lips trembling.
“Sam,” I whispered.
“Please,” she said, as she bit my bottom lip.
“Are you sure about this?” I didn’t want to push her.
“Please, make me forget, just for a while.” She begged. I had to give her what she was asking for. I would do anything she wanted.
I kissed her gently as she ran her hands through my hair.
“Let me help you,” I whispered, as I kissed her neck.
“Let me love you.” I said into her ear.
“I need this, Moon,” she said, as she pressed against me. My dick immediately stiffened.
“Ok,” I said, as I scooped her body up. She nuzzled into my neck and started to kiss me.
I wanted her so fucking bad it hurt. I wanted to be inside her. But I wanted all of her. I needed all of her. Forever.
As I walked through the doorway I knew I couldn’t take her into the bedroom, not yet. So I sat down on my couch and straddled her over me. I was scared I would hurt her if I put all my weight on her. Her mouth found mine, and I immediately knotted my fist into her hair as I put my hand under her shirt. The quiet moan that came from her lips set me off. I needed in her pussy right fucking now. Our kisses became harder, no longer gentle. Our hands moving furiously to remove the other’s clothes. Sam stood and unbuttoned her jeans and removed them along with her panties in one quick motion. She rubbed her hand across her naked breast and my hand found my dick. I held it straight up waiting for her to sit back down. Fuck, I needed a condom. I hadn’t used them in a while, and wasn’t even sure if I had any. But I knew it wasn’t safe for her to get pregnant again so fast.
“Fuck, don’t move baby,” I said, and started to stand.
“Where are you going?” Sam said, with her hand against my chest.
“Condom.”
“I took care of it,” she said, as she shook her head. Did she get on birth control? What the fuck did that mean? But my dick was throbbing, and needed the warmth of that tight pussy. I would ask questions later. So I sat back down and motioned for her.
“Sit,” I said quietly.
I slid into her gently and couldn’t help but fucking moan. She felt so fucking good.
“Fuck baby, I’ve missed this pussy. My pussy,” I said, as I pushed her down on me harder. Those sweet cries that drove me to my knees started escaping her mouth. I slammed her down on me harder.
“Yes!” She cried, as she looked into my eyes.
My hand found her clit and I started to rub it gently. That fueled her and she started rocking into me faster. I felt my release building as I watched her face.
“Please, Moon!” she cried, as she closed her eyes and threw her head back.
“Look at me,” I said, as I grabbed the back of her hair and pulled her head down to me.
I knew the second her orgasm took over. Just the look on her face made me come right along with her. So. Fucking. Beautiful.
I pulled her close to me and wrapped my arms around her. I wasn’t letting her go, not again. Her time away from me was up.
“I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered against me.
“I’ve missed you too, darlin,” I said, as I tucked her hair behind her ear.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly into my chest.
“Look at me,” I said, as I cupped her chin. “Don’t apologize for anything. Listen, you’re not leaving me again. Ever,” I said, as I ran my hand down her cheek.
“We need to talk,” she said, as she bit her lip, trying to stop it from quivering.
Hell no. She wasn’t walking away from me. I wouldn’t allow it. Not again.
“Sam, don’t even try and say this is over. That’s not happening,” I said, trying not to get pissed.
“You might not feel that way once you know everything,” she said, as she stared at me.
I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh.
“Sam, don’t you know me by now? You fucking own me. This last month without you has killed me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and you’re holding it in your hand. And whether you want it or not, it’s yours. It will always belong to you.”
“I can’t do it again,” she said with her bottom lip trembling.
“Do what?” I asked, as I ran my finger along her lip.
“I can’t get pregnant again,” she said. That wasn’t what I expected her to say.
“You can’t?” I asked. Is that what she meant by took care of it?
“I mean, I won’t,” she said without hesitating.
“You don’t want kids? Ever?” I said shocked by what she was telling me. I had always wanted kids, but I wanted her more.
“I can’t go through this again. I feel like I’m going fucking crazy sometimes. It’s too much,” she said, as tears ran down her face.
“Ok,” I said, as I kissed her tear stained cheeks.
“Ok?”
“Whatever you decide, I’m right beside you,” I said, and it was the God’s honest truth.
“But I know you want kids, Moon. It’s not fair for me to take that away from you,” she said.
“Sam, I want you. A life with you is enough for me. As long as I have you right beside me, I’m a happy fucking man.”
“What if you change your mind later?” She asked her eyes full of pain.
“I will never change my mind about you. I promise you. You are everything to me. I love you, Sam.”
She wrapped her arms around me and started to cry again. Her warm tears running down my shoulders. All I could do was rub her back and try to comfort her.
“You won’t give up on me?” she asked. I lifted her head and cupped both of her cheeks. I put my nose against hers.
“I couldn’t if I tried darlin,” I said with a little smile.
“But there’s just one more thing,” I said, as I reached into the pocket of my jeans on the floor.
Sam watched me curiously as I pulled the ring out.
“I need this back on that perfect little finger of yours,” I said, as I held it up.
“You had it in your pocket?” she asked.
“I’ve carried it with me every day, waiting for you to come back to me,” I said.
Sam smiled and nodded her head.
“Is that a smile on that beautiful face?” I asked, as I rubbed the pad of my thumb along her cheek.
“I think so,” she said quietly, as she held her hand out.
I slid the ring back on her finger, where it belonged. I felt like a huge weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. I knew we had a long road ahead of us, but we were finally headed in the right direction. Together. Just the way it was supposed to be.
Chapter 28
Sam
2 months later
I was sprawled out on Lainey’s couch with Emma sleeping on my chest. It was official. I was in love with this baby girl. I was absolutely content being Aunt Sam. It had shocked Lainey when I showed up at her door about a month ago, ready to see Emma. She was worried I couldn’t handle it, and the truth was I worried, too. But I couldn’t go the rest of my life without her in it. It wasn’t fair to any of us. Besides, Sheila had convinced me to get back to my life, my routines. We met for coffee twice a week, and she was helping me tremendously. She told me her story, and I knew she understood mine. Some days we would talk, other days she would just let me cry. I was fi
nally starting to feel semi-normal again. Don’t get me wrong, I still cried almost every day, but I couldn’t allow the sadness to consume me. It wasn’t healthy for me. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I was working on it.
“Oh my God, I’m so ready for Jase to get home,” Lainey whined, as she sat on the floor folding a pile of Emma’s laundry.
“Hell yeah,” I whispered. I missed Moon so much. I couldn’t wait to kiss that beautiful face of his, not to mention everything else.
I kissed Emma’s head as she started to stir.
“I bet she’s getting hungry, momma,” I said to Lainey, when Emma started bobbing her head into my boob. I couldn’t help but laugh at her, she was so damn cute.
“Probably. She’s a piglet these days,” she said, as she hopped up and took Emma out of my arms.
“I better get out of here anyway. Moon should be here in about an hour,” I said with a grin.
Since the guys relieved each other, Jase wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, but Lainey knew how important it was to be waiting when they got home.
“You better go so you can get all trimmed up.” Lainey said with a smile.
“My shit’s always trimmed up,” I said with a smile, as I pointed to my crotch.
“You’re gonna have to watch that mouth of yours when she starts talking. All of y’all,” she said with a laugh.
“Fuck I know, you told me,” I said with a giggle, as I walked to the door.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I said and blew them a kiss before shutting the door behind me.
The next morning I woke up to Moon kissing my neck. It was the best feeling, waking up next to him again. He really was my comfort and my peace.
“Mornin,” I said with a giggle, as his scruffy face tickled my ear.
“Mornin,” he whispered.
“So…,” I said, as I held my hand up and stared at my engagement ring. “When are you gonna make an honest woman out of me?” I had been thinking about it for a while. I was ready to marry him. I wanted to be his wife more than ever.
