“Joel, I am truly so very sorry.”
Joel shrugged with one shoulder before lifting his head slightly and giving her a sad smile. His actions spoke louder than any words ever could.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“It’s been nice to finally meet someone who didn’t already know about me and Beck. I guess I wanted a fresh start – a new beginning.” He looked at her intently. “A bit like you by the sounds of it.”
“True,” she replied, sitting back in her seat and placing her hands back in her lap.
“I didn’t tell you straight away about Rebecca for the same reason you never told me about your ex. You wanted to try to forget and move on from the past.”
Joel’s eyes bore straight into Kate’s and she read the hurt in them. She nodded. He was exactly right.
“The thing is, Kate, I’ve spent the last couple of years working on forgiving the guy who killed her, and trying to get my life back together,” Joel explained. “That’s why I don’t talk about it much. It’s hard to walk forward when you’re always looking back over your shoulder.”
“I can’t even imagine what that’s been like.”
Joel shrugged. “It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure.”
Kate frowned. “Wasn’t he ever charged?”
A shadow crossed Joel’s face and his eyes darkened.
“He was charged, and he’s been in custody since, but the whole process of convicting him and then sentencing him has taken years.”
Kate shook her head. “That’s crazy.”
“It is what it is. We just have to wait and let justice run its course. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what happens. Nothing will bring Beck back.”
Kate narrowed her eyes and looked at Joel. She heard the sound of sadness and loss in his voice. He might have thought he’d moved on, but a part of him was still in love with her. A part of him probably always would be.
“I’m really sorry, Joel. I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your families have gone through.”
“Over time the pain has dulled. It’s just a different feeling now.”
“Do you still love her?” Her voice was unsteady as she asked the question but she needed to know.
“I suppose a part of me will always love her. I have wonderful memories of our time together, but I can’t live in the past. Nothing will change what happened. As hard as it still is some days, I have moved on.”
Are you sure about that?
“Maybe once the guy is sentenced you’ll find some closure,” Kate suggested.
Joel shrugged again. “Maybe. I don’t really like to think about it that much, to be honest.”
The silence between them was filled with the waitress arriving with their meals. Eventually Kate spoke again.
“So tell me, what’s Emma’s problem with me? Why does she seem to dislike me so much?” She scanned his face for an answer before asking gently, “Do I remind her of Rebecca or something?”
For a moment Joel hesitated. She watched his jaw work as he chewed his food. At last he finished and took a sip of his drink. Kate wondered if she was going to have to ask the question again.
“No. You’re not like Rebecca.”
Kate wondered if that was a good thing or not. He didn’t elaborate.
“Then what’s the problem?”
Joel sighed. “To be honest, I don’t really know. Until I saw the way Emma treated you today, I didn’t realize she was still hurting so much.”
Kate nodded. “Her reaction to me was pretty over the top, that’s for sure.”
“Emma and Rebecca were very close. Rebecca was like the big sister Emma had always wanted but all she had was me and Liam.”
“Liam?” Kate interrupted.
“My twin brother,” Joel answered.
“Oh,” Kate responded. She realized there was so much about Joel she still didn’t know. He’d mentioned a brother, but not that they were twins.
“Beck was a lot younger than me, closer to Em’s age. They became more than best friends – they were like sisters, even though they had only met face to face a few times while we were dating. When Rebecca was killed, Em lost her best friend, and she nearly lost her brother too.”
“What do you mean she nearly lost you?”
“After Beck died I went back to Melbourne, but I couldn’t face doing the same things every day without her in my life. For a couple of years I was really angry and I did a lot of stuff I’m not proud of. Most nights I drank myself into a stupor so that I wouldn’t have to remember what had happened. I don’t know how I managed to keep a job down. One morning when I didn’t show up to work they managed to get hold of Emma. When I hadn’t responded to any of her phone calls or text messages by mid-morning, she was so distressed she called Liam. He jumped in the car and drove straight from Sydney to Melbourne. It took him ten hours straight. When he got to my place he found me passed out on the floor. I was lucky not to have choked and died on my own vomit. The next day Liam took me back to Sydney. When I’d sobered up enough, he made me promise never to drink again,” Joel explained.
“Oh my goodness, that’s terrible.” Kate was genuinely shocked.
“Yeah, it wasn’t a pretty time and it’s been a long road to recovery. Anyway, between Emma and Liam they made me realize I had to do something. That’s why I moved back here. To start over.”
Kate looked at him closely. She never would have imagined he had a drinking problem. He seemed to have his life together. Her face screwed up as she wondered how to frame her next question.
“What sort of help did you get?”
“AA.”
Kate nodded. Alcoholics Anonymous. She brought her wine glass to her lips but didn’t drink, aware that Joel’s eyes were on her. Placing the glass back on the table, she wished she’d chosen to drink water, but she hadn’t known.
“None of that really explains why Emma doesn’t seem to like me though,” Kate said.
“Yeah, it does love. Think about it, Kate. She’s afraid of two things. One is me being hurt again, and two is that she might get to know you and like you. She’s still hurting more than she admits and she doesn’t want to lose another friend. It’s just her way of dealing with grief. Give her time and once she gets to know you, she’ll come around.”
I hope so.
“Now it’s your turn, Kate. Tell me about yourself.”
She nervously fiddled with the ring on her finger, trying to choose her words carefully. After Joel’s revelation about losing Rebecca, her own pain seemed like nothing. He was staring at her, waiting for her to reply.
“There’s not much to tell, really. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy called Marcus Thornton. He’s a lawyer climbing the corporate ladder to partnership in a large city law firm. We met at a party. We had been living together for the last three years and I came home from work one day and found a text message on his phone. Turns out he was having an affair with his secretary. Pretty cliché I know, but it’s true.”
Kate shared the story in a matter-of-fact manner. Her brain was screaming at her to tell Joel about the baby, but she wasn’t ready to confide in him that much yet. Other than Melissa, no one else knew, and for now Kate wanted to keep it that way.
“That must have been dreadful for you,” Joel acknowledged, sincerity filling his voice.
“It was. It is. I felt so violated at the time. And confused. And hurt. Most of all I just felt angry. I would have married him in an instant and he knew that. I used to look at rings all the time and dream of standing at the altar in my white dress on my wedding day. Now that I look back though, I realize Marcus wasn’t interested in getting married. He always made an excuse. ‘After I get this new position,’ or ‘after we pay off the new car,’ or ‘let’s go overseas and have a holiday instead, it will be so much cheaper than a wedding and honeymoon.’ Or the one excuse I believed the most, ‘I don’t need a piece of paper to prove how much I love you.’”
“So you kicked him out?” Joel asked.
“No. I just packed up my stuff and left the same day. I hate confrontation. I moved back home with my parents but eventually knew I had to do something. I love my parents, but living back at home kind of sucked when it came to my independence. So I applied for the job here and moved three weeks later. It was all a bit of a rush really. I’m not usually a spontaneous type of person. I don’t typically like surprises and I like to take my time making decisions. But this just happened and it felt right – like I was stepping into a whole new season. My brother reckons I’ve watched too many episodes of Escape to the Country and Dad just thinks I’m a hopeless romantic.” She shrugged. “Maybe I am.”
“So have you seen him since?” Joel asked.
“No. And I don’t want to. I changed my phone number and he still managed to track me down. He’s found out I’m living up here but he doesn’t know where. He’s sent flowers to work twice now.”
“Ah yes, I remember now. The guilt flowers guy.”
Kate nodded. “Yeah, he thinks he can buy me back.”
“Has he apologized then? Asked you back?”
“No. He doesn’t even know why I left! I didn’t even tell him I’d found out about the affair!” Kate answered.
“Whoa. Hang on. You haven’t spoken to him? So he hasn’t even denied it or anything?”
“I have no idea. Honestly. I refuse to speak to him and he’s finally stopped calling and texting me.”
“But Kate, what if it was a mistake? What if he wasn’t having an affair? You haven’t given him a chance to tell you what really happened. What if the text thing was a mistake?”
Kate looked at Joel in surprise. “Are you sticking up for him?”
“No. It’s not that at all, Kate. It’s just that one thing I’ve learned in dealing with my grief over Rebecca’s death is that in order to move on, sometimes you need to have the whole picture in front of you.”
Kate shrugged. She wasn’t going to enter into an argument.
“Anyway, what did you even see in this guy?”
“He treated me well,” Kate replied. “He was generous and decent and had a great sense of humor.”
“And?”
She flushed. “And he made me feel special.” She didn’t want to elaborate but she was sure Joel understood what she meant. She wasn’t about to tell Joel that Marcus kissed her in a way that made her toes curl with pleasure.
“Well, all I’m saying is that you can’t move on unless you forgive him. And it’s pretty hard to do that when you don’t even know what really happened.”
“I’m not going to forgive him!” Kate realized she was speaking loudly when she saw some of the other diners look in her direction. She quickly lowered her voice. “He hurt me so much and he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. I will never forget what he did to me.” She had her reasons for ignoring Marcus and didn’t want to discuss them with anyone, especially Joel. No one, other than Melissa, really understood how badly Marcus had hurt her over the years. Joel looked upset and she was immediately ashamed at her outburst.
“Forgiving him doesn’t mean you have to forget what he did. But it will help you move on. Otherwise you’re just carrying a burden around that’s going to get heavier and heavier the longer you leave it there. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about,” Joel said.
He sounded just like Melissa.
“Yeah, well, maybe one day. But right now I’d really like to change the subject. Can we order dessert?” Kate asked.
She couldn’t understand why Joel was being so pushy. His holier-than-thou attitude was starting to annoy her and she wondered where it was coming from. She supposed he might have been speaking from experience but she was tired of hearing the same thing from everyone. Forgive him! Argh. It was making her blood boil. Perhaps if she told him about the baby he would understand why she could never forgive Marcus. And why she could never go back to him.
“Sure we can. I will drop it for now. But Kate, promise me something okay? Don’t let unforgiveness become hatred and turn into bitterness because it’s a slippery slope that only goes in one direction.” He smiled at her and for a moment she was lost in his eyes, forgetting her previous annoyance. “Now, do you want the fruit salad or the sticky date pudding?”
*
The rest of the evening was spent chatting about much safer topics of conversation and Kate found herself thoroughly enjoying their time together. Later that night, when he turned down the driveway, the beam of his headlights highlighted the old farmhouse.
Should I ask him in, or is it too soon?
She shook her head to clear the thought. Perhaps she had just been lulled into a false sense of security after their enjoyable evening together. What she really needed was a friend, not a new relationship, and a casual fling certainly wasn’t her style. Plus there was so much baggage between the two of them. Probably not the best way to start any relationship. Her thoughts continued to whirl around in her head.
Thankfully as Joel pulled to a stop at the front door he saved Kate from having to make the offer. He undid his seatbelt and came around to open her door, holding her hand as he helped her step down from the car. Her fingers tingled at his touch. He must have sensed it too because he quickly let go of her hand. Kate wished she could see his face more clearly, but it was too difficult in the inky darkness.
“Kate Kennedy, it has been an absolute pleasure having dinner with you. Thank you for letting me explain about Beck and thanks for opening up and telling me about Marcus. I’ve had a wonderful night and I’d love to do it again sometime.”
He led her up the steps by her elbow and she stood at the front door, shifting her feet to keep warm. She looked up at him. In the movies this was the moment when the guy would lean in and kiss the girl good night but he didn’t move toward her. He seemed to be waiting for her to say something. Her heart raced while her brain screamed a mantra. Just friends, just friends!
“Thank you, Joel. I’ve had a lovely night and I’d love to go out with you again too.”
Joel shoved his hands deep inside the pockets of his pants and took the two steps off the veranda in one stride, breaking the moment and the mood. He was almost at his car when Kate called out to him.
“So, when do you want to catch up again?” She hoped he didn’t think she was being too pushy.
He turned around to face her. “I’m really busy this week. Next time you’re in the café, we’ll make some plans.”
Kate felt slightly rejected at his lack of commitment. She forced a smile and tried not to show her disappointment. She waited until he drove down the driveway before closing the front door, blocking out the myriad of confusing feelings that were swirling around in the cold night air like moths circling a light.
Once again she reminded herself that he was just a friend. And right now she needed a friend more than she needed a lover.
Chapter 18
After a month of dreary days and cold nights, spring felt as though it had arrived unexpectedly early in Birrangulla, and the fresh air made Kate feel awake and alive. Matilda had spent the morning sprawled on the carpet in a patch of sun, moving from time to time to stay in the sunlight as it moved around the house. Outside the birds were chirping and the wind was gently blowing some of the new blossoms off the trees in the backyard, creating the effect of pink confetti lying on the grass. It was picture perfect and Kate felt a sense of peace wash over her. There was nothing better than lazy Saturday mornings.
When she had arrived home after her run she had opened all the windows to give the rooms an airing. She had washed all her towels and bed linen, and the large white sheets were now billowing in the breeze where they were pegged on the old Hills hoist rotary clothesline in the backyard.
Kate was enjoying the warm sunshine on the back veranda just after lunch when she heard a car on the gravel driveway. She went around the side of the house to see who it was, smiling when she saw it was Joel. She hadn’t expec
ted it would be anyone else. His large four-wheel drive was completely covered in mud and looked out of place beside Kate’s Mini. She had only just washed it that morning and it gleamed in the sun.
“Hi,” she said when he silenced the engine and climbed from the cab. “What are you doing here?” It was taking Kate a while to get used to Joel’s impulsive and carefree nature. He wasn’t one to make plans, but generally acted spontaneously.
“I wanted to come back and see the house in the daylight. Today seemed like the perfect day. I was in the area and thought I’d drop in.”
“In the area?”
“My farm is just a bit farther up Eagles Ridge Road.”
“Oh.” He had mentioned once that they were nearly neighbors but she didn’t realize how close they apparently were.
“So, do you wanna show me around then, eh love?”
After a quick tour of the backyard and the dilapidated chook sheds and veggie gardens, Kate made them both a cup of tea. They sat side by side in the sunshine on the back veranda in her new chairs, sipping their drinks and surveying the backyard and beyond.
“This really is a great place you’ve got here, Kate. You kicked a goal I’d say. How long is the lease for?”
“It is a great place, I agree. I’ve taken out a twelve-month lease but I hope I can stay longer. The owners are living in Sydney and haven’t decided whether they want to sell the place or move back here. It’s all pretty much up in the air.”
“So you’re planning on hanging around then?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Kate turned and looked at him, not understanding why he was asking the question.
“Well you keep saying you’re finding things tough going at work, making friends and all that. I just wondered whether you were going to pull the pin and head back to Sydney.”
Intensive Care: Escape to the Country Page 14
