by Stacy M Wray
One morning a couple of weeks shy of graduation, I was taking my shower before school and felt a sharp pain across my abdomen. Doubled over in fear, I saw blood trickling down my leg and started to panic. I knew instantly what was happening, and Trey’s ruined face flashed before my eyes. Not wanting to come to grips with what was actually happening, I stayed in the shower until the water was ice-cold, only getting out when I started shivering.
I convinced my mom that I didn’t feel well enough to go to school and she went on in to work, telling me to call her if I needed her. I had to get to the doctor’s office immediately. I called and they told me to come right away. I went to the restroom before leaving and before I flushed the toilet, I saw a small mass of tissue in the bottom of the bowl. I couldn’t bear to flush it, instead, sinking down to the floor and weeping for our baby.
Guilt coursed through my veins as the strong sensation of relief and horror battled it out in the crevices of my mind. Relief because I knew we could go back to our normal; horror because normal would never exist for us again.
Since I had to get to the doctor, I gathered myself as best I could, knowing I couldn’t leave the toilet as it was. Putting on a steel mask, I reached for the handle and pushed down, trying not to think about what this action symbolized.
The doctor’s office confirmed what I already knew. At this point I was devoid of all emotion. I had been through so much and I just wanted to shut down. I drove myself home and saw Trey’s truck in my driveway. The tears started up again instantly. How was I supposed to tell him that I lost our baby? Our future that he so desperately wanted.
He ran to my car as I shut off the engine. Opening my car door, he asked, “Where have you been? Why weren’t you in school?” I turned to him and he saw my tears. His face was so distraught. “Addie?” I started shaking my head back and forth slowly. “Addie?” I can’t say the words. He finally said in a voice I didn’t recognize, “Tell. Me. Where. You. Were.” He was still hanging on the open car door, bent over and waiting for my response.
I finally looked up at him and squeaked out, “I lost the baby.” In one quick motion, he had me out of the car and in his arms, crying into my hair and holding on to me. I just kept telling him how sorry I was and he held me tighter, telling me it wasn’t my fault.
I have never witnessed Trey fall apart until that day. I pray I never have to again. It wrecked me.
We were never the same after that day. I think he knew that I was secretly relieved since I wasn’t ready to have a child. I wanted to go to art school, but Trey already had our little family planned out in his head and he almost seemed angry that I was still planning on attending Purchase in the fall. It all sort of fell apart after that.
Did Trey want a family that bad? Was he so pissed at me for leaving for college that he hooked up with Amanda and now they have a child together? I never understood what happened during my first semester at college that made him stop taking my calls. It’s like we disintegrated into thin air, but my pride kept me from finding out – I wasn’t going to chase someone who didn’t want me.
Emotionally drained once again about reliving the loss of our child, I grab a water from the kitchen and head to the back porch, hoping the peace and quiet will help get my mind right. I can’t begin to explain how seeing Trey, Amanda, and that little boy today hurt me in ways beyond belief. That should have been me in that picture.
Part of me wants to head back to Connecticut, but now I’m obligated to do some work for the new library. Timing has not been my friend lately.
chapter ten
TREY
I was a little surprised when Amanda called me up to see if I wanted to go the VCC with her and Jackson since I didn’t think she knew that I was in town. I guess she would have known that I would be here for my reunion. We usually do see each other when I’m in town. Truth be told, I’m pretty crazy about that kid of hers.
I never in my wildest dreams thought Amanda Jewel and I would ever become friends in this lifetime, especially after how mean she was to Addie, but things change…people change. I’m under the impression everyone deserves a second chance and that’s what happened with Amanda.
She never went to college and stayed here to get her cosmetology license. Being a couple of years ahead of us in school, she was already working in a salon in town when Addie took off for college.
One night some of my friends and I were hanging out at the bowling alley with nothing better to do. Some of the guys were of age to be drinking, sharing their pitchers with those of us who weren’t so I had a pretty good buzz going on.
I left to use the men’s room and saw Amanda curled up in a ball back in the corner of the long hallway. I didn’t think much of it at first since she’s always been a train wreck, but when I heard her crying the human side of me needed to see what as wrong.
“Amanda?” I asked. She jerked her head in the direction of my voice and I think I scared her. Mascara had left black trails down her face and she looked a mess.
After seeing who it was, she mumbled, “Just leave me alone, Trey.”
I squatted down to her level. “Hey, do you need a ride home? Why are you crying?” I was surprised to see this side of her since she was always so sure of herself and arrogant as hell.
She turned to me and asked, “Will you just hold me?” What was I suppose to say to that? I awkwardly put my arms around her and she pressed her face into my chest, wrapping her arms around me. I was really uncomfortable, knowing Addie would have a conniption if she could see me. Before I knew it, Amanda started kissing me up my neck and almost locked lips with me before I stopped her.
“What the hell’s your problem, Amanda? Is this another one of your ploys to mess with me?” I was holding her at arm’s length. Her face actually resembled the emotion of remorse.
“I should know by now you’re never going to leave her, are you?” she asked me, admitting defeat.
“No, I’m not.” Feeling exasperated, I asked her again, “Do you need a ride home or not?”
She wiped her eyes and started to stand up. “Yeah, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”
I told the guys I would be right back and saw that Amanda was waiting beside my truck. I unlocked the door and she got in. I walked around and climbed in, starting the engine.
On the way to her house, out of nowhere, she said, “I’m really sorry for all the shit I pulled on you and Adelyn. You guys must really hate me and think I’m pathetic.”
Not knowing how to answer that, I didn’t. Then she said, “I guess karma’s a bitch, ya know?” She started crying again.
Now I was really out of my comfort zone. “What’s going on, Amanda?”
She composed herself enough to add, “I’m pregnant and I don’t know who the father is.” Those words brought back the most painful memories that I didn’t want to revisit anytime soon. All of a sudden, I missed Addie more than ever and wished she were here, but the sobs that came from my passenger seat brought me out of my thoughts and I had to think of something to say.
“Maybe focusing on another human being besides yourself is just what you need.” Oh my God, did I just say that? I blamed it on my buzz and quickly said, “God, Amanda, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
She shook her head and said, “No, you’re right. Maybe this is what needed to happen to give me a good kick in the ass. I’ve always loved kids. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this on my own.”
I turned to her as asked, “Won’t your parents help you out?”
She shrugged and said, “Doubt it, they aren’t in great financial shape to begin with.”
I pulled up to her house and put the car in park. She reached for the door handle and before she got out she said, “Adelyn’s a lucky girl. You’re the real deal, Trey. I hope she knows what she has. Thanks for the ride and the honest words.” I watched her walk in the house, not believing how my night had gone.
After things had gone kaput with Addie, I ran into Amanda aga
in when she was about eight months along, looking like she was going to pop at any second. We chatted for while, and I couldn’t believe how much motherhood had changed her - and she hadn’t even delivered yet. She was actually pleasant to be around.
She showed me where she was staying, a dumpy one-bedroom apartment outside of town. She told me it was all she could afford. I felt bad that she didn’t have any friends, even though I knew she brought that upon herself. She was worried about being off of work when the baby was born, afraid she would be kicked out of her apartment if she couldn’t come up with the money for rent.
That’s when I made the decision that I wanted to help her. She was trying for a second chance at life, and I had quite a bit socked back from my construction job, which I was quickly climbing the ranks.
I was there when she finally delivered Jackson and I have been a part of their lives ever since. She has never come on to me again and I don’t have any romantic feelings toward her. I am, however, in love with her son. Sometimes I get the impression she wishes my feelings would change and we could be a real family, but she doesn’t do anything to try to manipulate things and I am just fine with that.
Hanging out at the VCC is something we would normally do and I wanted to see Jackson anyway. As we’re standing in line for Jackson’s face to be painted, I see Addie’s parents across the square and I immediately begin to look for her. After about an hour of keeping an eye out for her, I determine she must’ve left town. After all, she would be here with her parents if she were still here.
As I think about the situation, I’m relieved she isn’t here because I’m sure it would look pretty weird for her to see me with Amanda and Jackson, not that I owe her any kind of explanation. If I’m being honest with myself, the thought of her leaving shadows me in a sadness that I can’t shake.
*****
I’m not needed back in Burlington yet and my head contractor is in charge of our latest home being built on the shore of Lake Champlain, so I decide to stick around for a few days to see if I can be of any use putting finishing touches on the new library.
After helping Luke out on the farm, I head to the new library. I let myself in and begin wandering around, impressed with the new place. I wonder if Addie had a chance to see this before she left. She loved that old library more than anything.
When I look into the next room, I can’t believe my eyes when I see her – she’s still here. My heart rate escalates from the sight of her. She’s walking around with a sketchpad, tapping her pencil on her lips. Even though I haven’t been around her for years, I still remember all of her mannerisms and I can tell she’s deep in thought. I’ve seen her like that too many times to count. Damn, she’s still so beautiful.
I walk quietly into the room she’s in and say, “I thought you left town.”
Her head whips in my direction and her eyes narrow when she sees me. “Why would you think that?” she asks in a clipped voice.
She doesn’t seem very glad to see me. “I saw your parents at the cookout yesterday. I figured since you weren’t with them that you had left already, that’s all.”
“Well, as you can see, I didn’t leave. I’ve been asked to make some designs for the library’s grand opening.” Her words are short and deliberate. She still must be mad about what happened at the reunion, but her attitude is starting to piss me off.
Her breathing has picked up a bit and if I didn’t know better, I’d say I still have some kind of effect on her. Just to piss her off further, I move closer to her, leaning in. I can feel her short breaths on my neck; I’m that close to her. I put my lips close to her ear and say, “I see I still have an effect on you. If you want to have some fun before you leave, you know where to find me. I remember teaching you well in that department.”
As soon as I step back, I feel the hot sting of her hand across my face. I smirk and tell myself I deserved that but, dammit, being near her like this has stirred up all kinds of memories, ones I will be conjuring up tonight when I relieve all this sexual tension.
“Go to hell, Trey. If it’s a quick fuck you’re after, you need to go find Amanda – I’m sure she’s been servicing you just fine all of these years.” She storms out of the room and I’m shocked by her words. Fuck! Did she see me with Amanda yesterday? And if she saw Amanda, she saw Jackson. God, I can be such an asshole.
I go in search of her but she’s nowhere that I can see. In my quest to find her, I run into Nancy, who has all kinds of things for me to do. I’ve really screwed this whole situation up royally – how I feel about her and how I’m treating her couldn’t be more different.
*****
After Nancy has taken full advantage of my donated time, I head back to the farm. I think about what happened earlier at the library when I saw Addie, and realize I’m having an internal battle when it comes to her. I admit to myself that I’ve never stopped loving her so why am I being such a jerk? Pride. I have never gotten over how she could just throw us away and I’m scared to death to hand that over to her.
I hit my hand against the steering wheel, cursing this whole situation. The only reason I came back for the reunion was to see if she’d be here, but as soon as I saw her, all the hurt came flooding back and I reacted in a way that reflects that of a grade school kid.
Pulling into the driveway, I glance at the clock on my dash and notice I’m probably just in time for my mom’s home cooking. Shaking off my little outburst, I get out of my truck and go inside to join my family.
They are just getting seated at the table when I walk in.
“There you are. I was wondering if you were going to show up for dinner,” my mom says.
I look at the spread on the table and give her a kiss on the cheek. “I wouldn’t miss this, Mom.” It’s not lost on me that everything she has laid out are my favorite dishes. I take a seat and we all begin talking about our day. I fill them in on what I’ve been up to at the new library.
“I heard that Adelyn is staying in town to help with promoting the grand opening,” my mom says, watching for my reaction.
I try to play it cool and tell her, “Yes, she told me that when I ran into her today.”
She glances at my dad and then to me and asks, “How is she? I hear she’s been doing quite well for herself.”
I realize that I don’t even know what she does for a living since we haven’t even been able to have a civilized conversation where such things would be discussed. “Um, she’s good but we never talked about her job. What’s she been doing?”
“Well, I hear she’s a book cover designer and quite talented at it. Someone once showed me a cover she did and it was very impressive. Looks like she followed her dream and it paid off,” she says, looking at me carefully.
A sense of pride and hurt are battling it out within me. If I’m being truthful, I wanted her to stay with me, even after she lost the baby. I think about that painful summer. I knew deep down inside that if she left, I was going to lose her. But if she hadn’t have gone, she would have resented me for keeping her away from her dream.
“Looks like both of you got what you wanted career-wise,” she adds.
“Sarah, leave the poor boy alone,” Dad says, teasing her. “You’re making him squirm over there.” He winks at me.
“I’m just merely pointing out that it’s never too late to have happiness in both your career and personal life,” she says, acting all innocent.
“You said yourself that she’s not married,” Luke chimes in, “so what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?”
I put down my fork and ask, “Is this a gang-up-on-Trey dinner? Too much has happened. Too much time has passed. We’re different people now.” I’m getting a bit exasperated at my own family.
“That’s nonsense, Trey. Are you listening to yourself?” Mom asks.
“Can we change the subject please?” I no longer want the spotlight shining on my pathetic love life.
“I heard old man Johnson bought six new cows at auction to
day,” my dad throws out there. I laugh at this and silently thank him. He nods as my mom rolls her eyes at his attempt.
chapter eleven
ADELYN
Sitting on the back porch with my coffee, I take in all the sounds that accompany this beautiful July morning. There’s nothing like the surroundings of a Vermont farm, and I hadn’t realized how much I absolutely missed it after all of these years staying away.
I’m trying to get myself going for my meeting with Nancy at the new library, so we can go over some sketches I’ve designed for the banner that will be hung on opening day. I’m seriously thinking about making the drive back for it since I really want to be here for that special day.
After carrying my coffee mug into the kitchen, I gather my portfolio, purse, and keys and head for my car.
It’s a short drive and as soon as I pull in, my heart rate accelerates and there’s a flutter in my stomach at the sight of Trey’s truck parked in the lot. Even though he’s been such a jerk, I can’t help the reaction I have to him. I realize neither of us knows how to behave in this situation that’s been thrust upon us. It’s not been easy for either one of us.
Nancy’s got someone in her office so I walk in the direction of my favorite room – the reading room. It’s been decorated in soft blues and yellows with the resemblance to a cozy room in one’s house, but on a much larger scale. I love the idea of having a room like this in our library. I’d never leave.
