“So what did you think?” I asked. I winced. I should’ve come up with something more intelligent. It never ceased to frustrate me how I could be so brilliant in the lab, yet so useless in a room of people I didn’t know.
Michael flashed his warm smile again. “It was” —he shrugged— “interesting.” In a hushed voice he added, “But I do have a hard time with the way evangelicals make such literal interpretations.”
“I know what you mean.” If he’d noticed me nodding off he didn’t say anything. I glanced around. “I mean, do they think Moses literally split the seas and walked along the seabed to freedom?” I felt guilty as the words came out, wondering if anyone else heard me. But then I realized this was why I’d come here, to find ways to talk about my over-intellectualized feelings about the Bible.
We began to walk toward the door of the now empty room.
“I love the Church,” Michael said, “but I have a bit of a problem with the way they’re selectively metaphoric.”
“How do you mean?”
Michael opened the door for me. “Like insisting on a literal interpretation of Moses splitting the seas, yet on Sunday mornings drinking wine and claiming it’s the blood of Christ.”
I hadn’t thought of it like that. I took another look at him as he held the door open. Good-looking and smart. There’s no way he would be interested in me, the voice in my head told me, but we continued chatting as we wound our way out of the building, my rubber boots squeaking across the linoleum floors while our voices echoed through the empty hallways.
It was dark outside. Snowflakes appeared in the conical pools of bioluminescent street lighting that glowed bright as we approached. I looked down at my footprints in the newly fallen snow. I used to love snow as a child, but now winter was just cold. I shivered. We stood and faced each other.
“Goodnight, Effie.”
A moment of silence was filled with the hum of automated car-pods sweeping down Second Avenue.
“Goodnight.”
Michael glanced away and then back at me. “See you next time?”
Warmth blossomed in the pit of my stomach. “Yes, next time.”
With a nod, Michael walked off into the thickening snowfall. I walked the opposite way to make for the subway home, and for the first time in a long time I watched the falling snowflakes and marvelled at their quiet beauty.
Then I did something I never did. Turning, I called out, “Michael, do you want to get a coffee or something?” Even in the cold my face flushed hot.
In the distance, Michael turned around. He didn’t hesitate. “Sure.”
We found a coffee shop on Second. There was a line at the counter.
“Even a slime mold,” Michael said as I stomped the cold and nerves out of my feet, “even a single-celled organism can solve a maze to find food.” He pointed at some icing-laden muffins. “Speaking of rewards, want one?”
I shook my head. “I’m—”
“Vegan?” Michael finished my sentence for me.
I nodded. How did he guess? But more than that, the label under the muffins said four hundred calories. Four hundred.
“Don’t worry, they’re vegan muffins.” Michael was already holding up two fingers.
I hadn’t noticed the small print under the caloric label.
“Come on, it’s the holidays,” he added cheerfully.
The server had already pulled the muffins onto a plate. I shrugged okay, then peered through the window of the café as a heavy transport roared down Second Avenue. Not for the first time, I imagined how easy it would be to trip in front of one.
“You okay?”
On a video panel above and behind the counter, a news anchor was in the middle of a story, “…unexplained disappearances continue throughout the five boroughs, police are now investigating what they describe as a cult…”
I blinked, pulling my attention away from the video to look into Michael’s eyes. He glanced at the news report as well. “Yes, I’m fine,” I replied.
“You sure?”
Nodding yes, I smiled and took the coffees while Michael took the plate of muffins. We wound our way to a quiet spot in the corner, away from the noise and the holographic Santa sleigh weaving its way through the bustling crowd of shoppers. I disliked crowds of people, but then I also hated being alone—my life was a slow bleed on the knife edge between the two.
A simulated fire crackled in our corner, and we sank into armchairs. Pushing the plate toward me, he picked up his muffin. I leaned forward and began crumbling mine into pieces, taking a morsel to eat while grabbing my coffee for a sip.
My chest tightened. What should I say?
“So what do you do for work?” Michael asked.
I smiled with relief. Something I knew. “I’m a lab monkey. I work in research.”
“Oh? What kind?”
“I’m sure you’d find it boring.”
Michael smiled and waved me on, his mouth full of muffin.
“Right now, I’m researching airborne transmission methods of viral gene therapy in conspecific populations, it’s a way…” Wait, what am I doing? There’s no way he could—
“To introduce gametes that take precedence over heterospecific ones?” Michael said around his muffin. He swallowed and sipped his coffee. “Targeted auto-distribution of vaccines, huh? Very interesting, would save billions of dollars.”
I stared at him, dumbfounded. “How do you…I mean…?” My voice trailed off.
“I apologize, I’m just excited to meet a woman of your intelligence. I have many interests, but I am merely an amateur.” Michael smiled and took another bite of his muffin. “Please, continue.”
Taking a deep breath, I sat upright, parting my legs to slide closer toward him. “You’re right, but it’s not about the money.”
“Saving millions of lives, then?”
I crumbled more of my muffin. “I’m more interested in animal life. What’s happening to frogs, to thousands of other species, whether there might be a way to save them.”
Michael moved closer to me. “Amazing. And you have funding?”
I looked at the floor. “For human research, but I’m hoping…”
Again I paused. He’d already finished his muffin. I leaned forward to pull the last of mine apart, sweeping some crumbs into my hand that I dropped onto the floor when Michael looked away.
He looked back at me and slid forward in his chair. “All living creatures share intelligence and emotion, with differences being in degree, not in kind.”
I nodded. “Exactly. I mean, a human baby isn’t any smarter than an octopus, yet people are okay with killing and eating them. But killing a baby, oh, no, that’s not allowed.” I tensed. Was that too much? “I mean like when Jonathan Swift said—”
“That a young healthy child, well nursed, is a most delicious and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled…?”
I laughed out loud before I could contain myself, earning the stares of people looking to see what was so funny. Nobody I knew would have even understood that reference, never mind being able to come up with the quote.
Michael smiled at our shared secret. “I realize you’re being dramatic to make a point.” He shook his head and his smile disappeared. “Original sin. If anything, we should be atoning for the sins we’ve committed against all the living creatures we’ve murdered to satiate our own appetites. Speciesism is a terrible thing...”
A warm tickling began in my toes, rising up through my groin and into my cheeks. Did he really just say that?
We chatted about our feelings toward food and what food had feelings until Michael had to go. I bid him farewell, then rushed to the ladies’ room. I waited until it was empty, leaned over a pee-spotted toilet, and stuck a finger down my throat.
***
A few weeks later, the meetings and coffees had become a regular thing; Michael and I even joined the next church session together. He sh
ared some of his war stories, and I shared how I’d lost my brother over there, even opening up about my parents and the recent accident that had stolen them from me. I was busy demolishing another muffin, pecking crumbs from it, when Michael finally asked.
“Do you want to join me for dinner at my place next week?”
“I’d love to,” I answered. I felt a flush. I tried to remember if I’d turned down the heating when I left the house. Had I locked the door?
“Wonderful. I’m having some friends over for a special meal.”
I looked down, knocked a few crumbs into my lap. “Of course.” I’d thought he was inviting me there alone.
“On one condition.” Michael glanced at my muffin. “You must eat absolutely everything that I serve.”
I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be funny or serious. Nodding, I pulled my hands back and burrowed them into the pockets of my coat.
Michael raised one hand like an oath. “Promise.”
Forcing a smile, I pulled out one hand and raised it. “I promise.”
Excusing myself, I headed for the bathroom.
***
I stopped at the top of the subway stairs, my teeth aching from sucking the cold winter air. My stomach hurt, but not like usual. I wasn’t good with new people. At the lab, this worked in my favor. Just me and my slides and whirring centrifuges. No idle chitchat needed, and most of my colleagues fell into this same spectrum of awkwardness.
A fresh coating of snow squeaked underfoot on the sidewalk outside. At his address, I looked up and saw lights on, people framed in the window, talking, holding drinks. Maybe I should go home, tell him I wasn’t feeling well. I looked at his door. Did I lock my door? Stop it. Even if you didn’t, you can’t go back now. And then his door opened, spilling bubbling conversation onto the street.
“Effie! Come in. Come in!” It was Michael.
Smiling, my internal debate settled for me, I trotted up the stairs.
Michael took my coat and hung it in an entrance closet, then ushered me inside. The entranceway led into a large main room with high ceilings and ornate moldings. He led me to a side table where a cauldron was steaming on a hot plate. Dipping a ladle into it, he filled a small china cup.
“Mulled wine,” Michael explained, offering it to me.
I nodded and accepted the cup from him.
“I thought it would be a nice antidote to the cold,” Michael added. “Glogg you Scandinavians call it, yes?”
I didn’t usually drink much, but I could use one now.
Michael turned to a small man standing next to us. “Ah, Martin, I’d like to introduce you to someone. Effie is a synthetic biologist…”
Blushing, I glanced at the floor and took a sip from my wine.
Michael grimaced. “I meant Dr. Hedegaard is a synthetic biologist, please excuse my familiarity, I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t be silly,” I whispered, leaning in and grabbing his arm. “I’m just embarrassed at the attention.”
“Synthetic biologist. Very interesting,” said the small man, smiling and ignoring our exchange. He was short—stooped—with gray stubble atop his head and photoreceptors shining in his empty eye sockets: artificial eyes. He looked familiar. “Do you view your work as a continuation of natural evolution?”
I nodded and tried not to stare at his synthetic eyes. “Depending how you think of it. If you think a termite mound is natural, then so is a machine gun. Everything is natural.”
“And what do you think of the natural state of human evolution?”
“A dead end,” I said without hesitation.
The man’s artificial eyes glittered.
“Dr. Hedegaard is a very passionate,” Michael laughed. “And on that note, I must attend to dinner.” He disappeared into the kitchen.
Left alone in a room of strangers, I’d usually melt into a corner, but here I became the center of the party, dragged into one fascinating conversation after another. It was a breath of fresh air to be in a room of intellectual equals, somehow feeling like I was back in my lab, safe and in control.
While we chatted, I inspected the guests. Many had a prosthetic limb, and not hidden, but exposed. Proud, even. One of them ventured that he was in the wars with Michael. Makes sense. I didn’t mention that I’d lost my brother there. Wrapped in my layers of clothing, I began admiring their sleek metal prosthetics.
Michael swept back into the room.
“Dinner is served!” he announced.
Smiling, the small man with artificial eyes bowed to allow me to walk ahead of him. The guests moved into the dining room, and aside from the chair at the head of the table, only one other seat was left empty. I sat and arranged myself, smoothing the napkin in my lap. The first course was served, and I nodded thank you as a waiter placed a plate before me.
I recoiled.
It appeared to be some kind of meat, but perhaps it was imitation? Michael appeared from the kitchen and sat beside me, hoisting his champagne flute into the air. “A toast!”
Everyone else raised their glasses. I fumbled for mine.
Michael looked around the table. “A toast to old friends.” He made eye contact with each person in turn, nodding and smiling, and finished by looking at me. “And to new.” He clinked my glass. “A toast to the truth, to sacrifice, and to the brotherhood of all things living!”
“To sacrifice!” erupted a chorus around the table.
I raised my glass and took a sip before inspecting my appetizer again. Everyone else began eating.
Michael was watching me. “Trust me, Effie.”
The way he looked at me made me think of my father when he’d taught me to swim, late in my childhood. I’d been terrified. Let go, Effie, my dad had whispered, holding me close, trust me. Swimming was now one of my greatest pleasures.
Picking up my knife and fork, I sectioned off a piece of the thing on my plate and placed it in my mouth. I chewed. The texture was soft and salty, recalling a distant memory of pork. I hadn’t eaten meat since I was a pre-teen and had declared my parents murderers.
The memory made me ill.
Michael’s prosthetic hand, now oddly warm, was on my forearm.
“Trust me,” he repeated.
I made a promise, I reminded myself, and so I smiled and swallowed and began carving off another piece. I fought down each bite, resisting the urge to escape to the bathroom. Just when I’d finished it, the main course was served.
My heart sank.
In a large serving dish in the middle of the table, a bone protruded rudely from flesh that fell away into caramelized onions and roasted potatoes. The circling waiters began serving thick slabs of what must be meat.
Is Michael making fun, taking advantage? I panicked, with only Michael’s steady gaze keeping me from flying into space. Poking at my potatoes and carrots, I ventured to try a scrap of the meat.
Popping it into my mouth, I chewed, tears in my eyes, but I couldn’t stand it anymore. Pulling Michael to me I whispered, “What is that?”
He smiled. “The more relevant question is: Who is that?”
“What do you mean, who?” I hissed.
“Effie, I think you have just tasted human flesh for the first time.”
The conversation around the table stopped.
I gagged. “Is this some kind of joke?”
Michael remained still. “In fact, tonight you are part of a very special evening. Tonight I am sharing my flesh, my body with all of you.”
I looked around the table. Nobody else was even surprised. They looked pleased.
The joke was on me.
I fought back the simultaneous urge to throw my plate against the wall and to empty the contents of my stomach all over the table. The cloying smell of decay rose up from my plate. Without realizing it, I was already standing.
“This is sick,” I cried, staring into Michael’s blue eyes, “I thought—”
“You thoug
ht you were eating an animal? Some poor creature who could not choose this fate? No, Effie, I choose this. I give freely—”
I convulsed. “No. Nobody would—it’s too disgusting.” Now I was sure I was going to throw up.
But Michael held me. “Since time began, we’ve been consuming the Earth, consuming our fellow living creatures. Now we have the ability to sate our hunger by consuming ourselves. It’s the only way.”
I tasted bile in the back of my throat. “Why would you do this?”
“Because I’m a Christian. Are you not?”
I nodded.
“Is Christianity not a cult of cannibalism? Do we not make a weekly pilgrimage to eat the body and blood of our savior? We . . .” He extended his arms, palms up, toward his guests. “. . . have made our religion even more personal. Every one of us is our own savior containing that same spark of the divine. Just as consuming Christ is sacred, so consuming ourselves is a symbolic act that brings us closer to the god living in all of us—sacrificing a part of ourselves to atone for our sins, eating a small part of ourselves to atone for our share in mankind’s sins.”
The blood drained from my face. “This is crazy.” But everyone was staring at me like I was the crazy one. “This is—”
But I didn’t finish my sentence. Tears streaming down my face, I ran for the door and out into the cold, ripping my coat from its hanger on the way out. Pounding down the stairs, I skidded onto the sidewalk and sprinted away. Catching the cold metal of a railing at the subway entrance, I leaned over and began retching and crying in heaving sobs. An automated transport growled past, and I imagined myself falling in front of it. The stars were bright diamonds overhead, out of reach in a dead black sky.
***
I stared at my reflection in the bedroom mirror. Flaccid skin hung in bunches from my knobby bones. That’s not me, that can’t be me. In disgust, I covered myself with my gown and shuffled to the closet to begin layering up. It was past noon already. I hadn’t been out of my apartment in days, had been forcing my dog Buster to do his business on my tiny fifth floor balcony. Everything was an effort. During the day, I could barely keep my eyes open. At night, I’d lay awake, my thoughts swirling and frustrations mounting.
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