by Holly Rayner
I rolled onto my back and looked up at the sky. The sun hadn’t yet made it over the cliffs, so the sky was a muted peach color without a cloud to be seen. I lifted Julien’s arm off my chest and laid it gently down on the blanket between us, then stood up and wrapped one of the other blankets we’d brought around my body. My dress was in a sandy heap a few feet away, but it didn’t matter. For what I was planning, I wouldn’t need clothes.
Julien and I had slept on the beach less than fifty feet away from the ocean, and it had been some of the best sleep of my life. For years, even the thought of a large body of water would send me into a panic, but now, I felt a strength inside of me that I barely recognized.
I didn’t want to be the woman who gave up life-changing experiences because of fear. Or who walked away from love because she didn’t think she was worthy. I wanted to be the woman who went after what she wanted without a second thought. Who knew she was powerful and worthy and loved and enough. I wanted to be enough.
The foamy water was cold against my feet, but I still slipped out of the blanket and threw it back onto the sand. And then, I stepped into the ocean.
Immediately, my heart began to thud against my chest, my instincts screaming at me to get back to shore, get back to dry land. But what had running ever done for me before?
Twice, I’d run from Julien, desperate to get back home to the life I knew, to a life that had become comfortable. But where would I have been if I’d succeeded in running away? Not on the beach with the man I loved. I would be living in my sister’s guest room, watching the life she’d built for herself pitifully, wishing it could be mine. But because I’d stayed, I was so much closer to that reality.
The last week of my life had been about conquering my fears, and so far, it had worked out great. So, why couldn’t it work again?
I took another step into the water. The bottom shifted under my weight, clouds of sand swirling into the water with every step, but I didn’t stop. I kept moving in deeper until I was submerged up to my waist, the Mediterranean lapping against my ribs.
The fear hadn’t gone away. I wasn’t an entirely new person overnight. But I could manage it. I could push it away and fight it off. I knew I would still doubt myself. I would second-guess my worth and my abilities. I would grow jealous of people who seemed to have more than me. I would try to get out of things that scared me.
But the revelation washing over me in that moment was that I was still more powerful than my fear. I was in control, and I could choose to submit to fear or overcome it. And, as often as possible, I wanted to choose to overcome it.
I turned back to the beach and was surprised to see Julien standing along the shore line. Unlike me, he’d shirked all modesty and left the blankets back where we’d had our picnic the night before. His hands were on his bare hips and he was smiling at me, his eyes sleepy and squinty against the bright sky.
“Just decided to go for an early morning swim?” he called, head tilted to the side, one eye closed.
I nodded, beaming. “Just a casual, not-at-all scary swim. Will you join me?”
He waded into the water, wincing for a few seconds as he grew accustomed to the temperature. Once it was deep enough, he dove into the shallow waves, going underwater and then popping up a foot in front of me, his black hair plastered to his head.
“That’s a good look for you,” I said, reaching out to part his hair down the middle.
He laughed and shook his hair out. It was annoying how effortless it was for him to look good. One shake of his head and his hair was back to its perfectly curated messiness.
“And that is a good look for you,” he said, running his eyes down my bare upper body.
I crossed my arms over my chest, blushing from head to toe, I was sure.
He smiled and grabbed my wrists, uncrossing my arms and wrapping them around his neck so we were standing chest to chest. Despite the chill in the water, he felt warm against me, and I leaned into him, resting my head against his shoulder.
“What are we going to do today?” I asked, kissing his shoulder.
“I planned to just stay here all day,” he said with a shrug. “Does that sound good to you?”
I pulled back so I could look up at him. The sun was just stretching over the cliffs. Golden rays of sunlight streaking across the sky, casting Julien in a perfect silhouette, a silver line around his body.
I nodded. “That sounds better than good. It sounds perfect.”
Chapter 21
Julien
Ashlynn checked out of her hotel room the next day. It didn't make sense for her to stay there anymore, since my penthouse was only a few floors up. Plus, she hadn't slept in the room since the night before we’d gone out on the yacht.
Since Ashlynn had moved in, I’d caught myself watching her make coffee in the morning or curl up at the end of my leather sofa with a blanket and a book, and I'd think about what a crazy thing it was that we were doing.
By several different measures, we barely knew one another. How could we already be living together? I had friends who had waited years before taking such a big step. But then, I'd wake up in the morning, roll over, and see her golden hair spread out on the pillow next to me, her lips parted in sleep, and it would all make sense.
I loved her. More than I'd ever loved anyone.
I was laying there watching her sleep, golden light coming in through the curtains, when her phone began to ring on the nightstand. She wrinkled her forehead and grumbled something unintelligible before pulling her pillow over her head.
“Good morning, sunshine” I said with a laugh.
One thing I’d learned about Ashlynn in the past few days was that she was not a morning person. At all. She needed at least two cups of coffee before she could reasonably hold a conversation. I leaned over her and picked her phone up from the nightstand. Brianna’s name was flashing on the screen on top of a photo of her with her nose pushed up like a pig.
“It's your sister.”
“Doesn't she know it's the middle of the night?” she said, her voice muffled by the pillow.
“It's eight in the morning, chérie.”
“There,” she said, waving her arm around as if she was trying to shoo away a fly. “It's the middle of the night there.”
“Oh, well then, maybe you should answer it. Must be important if she's calling so late,” I said.
Ashlynn emerged from beneath her pillow, shaking her head. “It's not important. Brianna is just weird.”
She grabbed her phone lazily from me and answered.
“It's one in the morning, you lunatic. Why are you calling me?”
Ashlynn put the phone on speaker and laid it on her chest so she could fall back into the pillows and close her eyes.
“All of your late-night calls have turned me into a night owl. Whether I want to talk to you or not, my eyes pop open at one in the morning like clockwork. You've broken me.”
It was crazy how much Ashlynn and her sister sounded alike on the phone. They had the same lyrical lilt to their voices, a sing-song quality.
“Does your sister sing, too?” I whispered to Ashlynn, annunciating so she could read my lips.
“No way,” Ashlynn said at normal volume. “Brianna sounds even worse than you did that night at karaoke.”
I couldn't help it; I laughed out loud.
“Is Julien there?” Brianna asked. “I should have figured—you’ve basically been joined at the hip the last few days. And, for your information, I'm a fine singer. I may not be able to perform opera on stage, but I won the fourth-grade talent show by singing. And if it was good enough for Cyprus Hills Elementary School, it's good enough for me.”
“Liar!” Ashlynn shouted. “You got second place! Tyler Pelkey won first by whittling a duck out of a soap bar in under two minutes.”
“I did not call you to rehash the details of how I was cheated out of first place in my elementary school talent show,” Brianna snapped.
“Then why di
d you call?” Ashlynn asked, lifting herself on to her elbow and rolling her eyes at me.
“I wanted to ask when your flight will be coming in today. If you're going to be sleeping in our guest room, I have a lot of craft supplies and holiday decor I need to relocate, and I'd like to know how long I can procrastinate before starting on that project.”
Ashlynn looked at me nervously, and then jumped up to pace the floor in front of the bed. She held the phone out in front of her.
“Oh, right. Had I not told you yet?” Ashlynn said, her entire body tense.
I sat up. “You haven't told her yet?”
Ashlynn pressed her hand over the speaker. “I was waiting for the right time.”
“The day your flight was supposed to arrive is the right time?” I asked.
She stuck her tongue out at me and I fell back into the bed, excited to watch the show. Ashlynn had told me Brianna was protective of her—I'd gathered as much when Brianna had shouted through the phone several days ago for Ashlynn to stay away from me—and I was anxious to hear what Brianna would think about Ashlynn's slightly altered travel schedule.
And also, I was just enjoying the view. Ashlynn had on one of my old racing shirts with my name printed across the back, but nothing else.
“Told me what?” Brianna shouted for the third time. “Would someone please talk to me?”
“Sorry, I got distracted,” Ashlynn said. “It's not a big deal. I just needed to tell you that I won't be coming home tonight.”
“Seriously? Another delay? Okay, what is the new arrival date, and I'll be sure to pencil it in,” she said with extra emphasis. “Because my planner has enough white-out spots on it already.”
“The arrival date is…to be determined,” Ashlynn said, wincing. Her shoulders were scrunched up around her ears while she waited for her sister to process her words and respond.
“To be determined. As in, you’re not sure when you will be coming back?”
“Yep,” Ashlynn said. “I'd say that about sums it up.”
“Where are you staying?” Brianna asked, the playful tone in her voice gone. She sounded like a parent asking a teenager why they were getting home late.
“I'm actually staying with Julien. I told you he has a penthouse in the hotel, right? Well, I'm staying there. With him. Together.”
“For how long?”
Ashlynn looked at me, and I could tell she didn't know what to say. She wanted to appease her sister, but it also wasn't her apartment. Or, at least, she didn't feel comfortable putting a timeline on the duration of her stay.
I smiled and leaned forward to shout towards the phone. “Forever, preferably. But definitely as long as she wants to.”
“You’ve corrupted my baby sister, Julien,” Brianna said with a sigh. “Do you promise to take care of her?”
“I can take care of myself!” Ashlynn protested.
“I promise,” I said at the same time, winking at Ashlynn, who had an exaggerated frown on her face.
“This conversation has officially exhausted me. I need to go back to bed,” Brianna said.
Ashlynn laughed. “Seriously, stop calling me in the middle of the night, you weirdo. Go back to bed and get some sleep.”
“That’s what I just said I was going to do,” Brianna snapped.
“Hey, sis?” Ashlynn said.
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
Brianna sighed. “I love you, too.”
Ashlynn hung up the phone and then spun around in a circle, my shirt fanning out around her. “That went so well! She didn’t even yell too much.”
“Would it have mattered if she had?” I asked.
Ashlynn threw herself down on the bed next to me, the blankets puffing up for a second before settling back down.
“No, but it would have put a little damper on my good mood. I want Brianna to be happy for me.”
“I understand that,” I said.
She smiled up at me and then a crease formed between her eyebrows. “Were you serious about the ‘forever’ thing you said?”
“About you staying with me forever?” I asked.
She nodded.
“Of course I was. Why wouldn’t I have been?”
“Well, you could have just been saying it for Brianna’s benefit. To convince her this is a good idea,” she said, shrugging.
“I don’t need to convince anyone. This is a good idea, Ash,” I said, reaching out to pinch her chin between my thumb and forefinger. I tilted her face up until our eyes met. “I wouldn’t have asked you to stay here with me if I wasn’t serious about you. If I didn’t think this thing between us was going to last.”
She took a deep breath and nodded, a smile spreading across her face. I could see the confidence flowing back into her, washing away the doubt.
“Yeah, I know. It’s a great idea.”
I leaned forward a pressed a kiss to her soft lips.
We’d spent the past two days hashing out every aspect of her staying in Monaco for the foreseeable future. In a few months, the opera houses would begin recruiting for their next-season productions, which Ashlynn would apply for. And once she had a job here, we would just take things one day at a time. I didn’t have a single doubt that things would work out.
“What time is your race today?” Ashlynn asked, rolling back onto her pillow, her arm thrown over her eyes.
“Not until this afternoon,” I said.
The FP100 had just ended, but I had to take part in a qualifying race for a big European competition. I didn’t really want to go, but after flaking out on the final heat of the FP100 and letting Alain win the race, pride demanded that I prove to everyone I was still the better racer.
“I might just sleep until then,” Ashlynn said. “I feel exhausted.”
“Well, it certainly isn’t because I’ve been keeping you up at night,” I teased, crawling across the bed to nibble at her neck.
“That is exactly the reason, Julien!” She laughed and tugged on my hair. “But I suppose it’s a good trade-off.”
I kissed her once more on the cheek and then rolled away, digging through the drawer of my nightstand.
“I was actually wondering if you’d like to come to the race with me tonight,” I said, opening a large blue felt box. “I’d really like to have my good luck charm there with me. And for every race from here on out.”
The sound of the clasp opening made Ashlynn lift her arm and squint over at me. When she saw the diamond necklace sitting inside the box, her mouth fell open. She looked from the necklace to me and back again.
“Is that for me?”
I nodded. “Who else would it be for?”
She laughed. “I don’t know. I’ve just never had anything this nice.”
“Ashlynn,” I said, placing the box in her hand and wrapping my fingers around her forearm. “You deserve the world. I know this is only a necklace, but I want it to act like a promise. I’m yours. One-hundred percent.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she pulled the necklace out and slipped it around her neck. It looked incredibly fancy against the old racing T-shirt she was wearing, but I couldn’t imagine a more perfect ensemble.
“I’ll wear the necklace and go to all of your races, but I think you should find a new good luck charm.”
I raised my eyebrows. “What are you talking about? Why?”
“I did a terrible job,” she said. “This was the first time in three years that you didn’t win!”
I laughed and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her on top of me. Daylight was streaming through the window in full-force, making Ashlynn’s hair look especially golden, emphasizing the copper color underneath. She pressed her palms into my chest, her fingers tangling in my shirt, and pouted down at me.
“I don’t know, Ash. I disagree,” I said, grabbing her hand and bringing it to my lips. I kissed the tip of her ring finger. “Because right now, I feel like the biggest winner on earth.”
Chapter 22
Six Months Later
“So tell me, which unbelievably beautiful city are you singing in this weekend?” Brianna asked, unrestrained jealousy in her voice.
Six months after I first arrived in Monaco, my sister was pregnant with baby number three, and international travel was way beyond possible. Brianna made beautiful children, but her pregnancy experience involved a lot of morning sickness and raging mood swings. Throw high altitudes and inconsiderate travelers into that mix and it would be a recipe for disaster.
“I’m back in Monte Carlo for a few days,” I said, stopping outside of a designer boutique to glance in the window. I was in need of a new performance gown after my favorite one—midnight blue chiffon with a deep neckline and silver detailing—was ruined a week before, when a bottle of sunscreen exploded in my suitcase.
“I bet Julien is glad to finally spend some time with you,” Brianna said.
“Actually, he was with me in Paris last week and in Vienna the week before that.”
I’d auditioned for the next season of opera productions and earned a spot with a touring troupe. I even had a solo act at the start of the show, which had been my dream for as long as I could remember.
Sometimes, I would be standing just offstage, listening to the rustle of the crowd beyond the curtain, and I would marvel at how far my life had come. That just six months prior, I had been singing at a hotel bar in Vegas, with no savings or other prospects, and now, I was singing solos in the most famous opera houses in Europe. It was unfathomable. And impossible without Julien.
He didn’t like to take credit for my success, telling me over and over again that I was always going to follow this path.
“With or without me, you would be right here in this spot,” he’d said the first time I’d performed in the Teatro Alla Scala in Milan.
We’d been standing in the lobby of the theater the afternoon before the performance, sunlight pouring through the open windows along the wall, reflecting off the crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and the fluted columns. The lobby alone had felt like a palace, but when Julien had led me into the theater, my heart had stopped.
