by Isabella
Claire heard a catch in Nic’s voice and wondered what it meant. Surely, she didn’t lose her husband in Iraq, too. She hadn’t heard that Nic was married, but that didn’t mean anything. She didn’t know the personal lives of most of the soldiers in Mike’s unit, and unless she knew their wives, she was pretty much out of the loop entirely. Although she had heard rumors about Nic, she didn’t give much credence to gossip from the wives. As if I could be that lucky, she thought.
“Tell you what. Why don’t we put Grace down and I’ll fix you something to eat. That is, if you’re hungry?” Claire motioned for Nic to follow her to Grace’s room.
Closing the door as they left Grace sleeping soundly, she whispered to Nic, “So Major, can I interest you in something to eat?”
Nic swallowed hard, her knee jerk reaction a desire to tell Claire exactly what she’d like to eat, but then her own stomach betrayed her with its noisy rumbling and they both laughed.
“Well, that’s settled. Your stomach has answered my question. What can I get you to drink?” She headed for the kitchen and motioned in the direction of the couch. “Sit. So what’ll it be?”
After settling on a diet soda, Nic tried to relax on the couch. Looking around, she noticed the photos scattered around the front room walls and bookshelves. Some were of Grace, some of Claire and a few of the family together doing what families often do, picnicking, holidays and the usual stuff. She also noticed Mike and Claire’s degrees on the wall along with Mike’s Commissioning Papers and his Diploma from Flight school with his first pair of wings. She had the same things tucked away somewhere in a closet rather than on display. She walked over to the pictures and scanned them, focusing more on the pictures of Claire. She heard Claire clear her throat behind her and realized that she was probably out of line.
“Sorry. I was just looking at your family photos. You look like a happy family.”
“Looks can be deceiving,” Claire murmured as she handed Nic a plate with an assortment of food on it.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”
“It’s nothing. Can I get you something else?” Claire turned and walked back into the kitchen, and Nic noticed the somber look on her face. Deciding to follow her, Nic nearly crashed into Claire, who had suddenly turned around as though to ask Nic something.
“OH! Sorry, I —Can I get you something else?”
“I’m sorry, I was just…. Well I just thought something was wrong and I, well I— Sorry,” she said, turning and sitting down at the dining table.
“Look, why don’t we sit on the couch? Grace will be up soon and we won’t even have had time to eat if we don’t sit down now. I guess I’m just tired and haven’t had a lot of time to process everything that has happened. Please, let’s eat. I’m sure you’re starving. Besides, I have enough food to feed the entire unit and it will go bad before we even get a chance to try everything.”
“Thank you,” Nic said, leaning down and smelling the assortment of foods. “I am kinda hungry. Thanks.”
Claire looked at Nic and it dawned on her why she looked so different. Nic’s civilian clothes hugged her body and suited her well. She looked comfortable and relaxed. Her tight t-shirt made her broad shoulders and well-defined chest look amazing, and her jeans sat right at her hips, just tight enough to accent her long legs. She noticed Nic’s black motorcycle jacket lying across the arm of the couch with her gloves resting on top and realized that Nic had ridden her motorcycle over.
“I don’t think I have ever seen you in civilian clothes before. You haven’t ever attended the unit or company picnics, have you?”
“No, I usually volunteer to be the OD, officer of the day, so that the officers with families can go and spend time with them. I figure since I don’t have a family it’s easier for me to do it.
Claire watched Nic eat and wondered why someone so thoughtful didn’t have someone special in her life. She knew it was hard for many soldiers in the military to find someone who was interested in them and not just interested in the guaranteed paycheck that the military offered. A lot of women liked the idea of being married to officers, especially pilots. There was a certain amount of prestige that went along with being a flight officer’s wife and she knew it. For her it was different— she could care less that Mike was a pilot. It wasn’t the reason she married him, but that didn’t matter now that Mike was gone.
Without thinking, she blurted out, “So Nic, how come someone as caring as you isn’t with someone?” She flushed in mortification. She couldn’t believe she had spoken without engaging her brain.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that- it isn’t any of my business really.” Looking down at her food to hide the rising heat infusing her face, she cleared her throat and began to eat. She couldn’t even taste the food as she tried to busy herself moving it around on her plate. Hearing Nic clear her throat she looked up to find a set of cool, green eyes looking at her without any emotion. Great, now I’ve done it. I’ve pissed her off and she’s thinking of a way to tell me so. Looking back down at her plate she speared a few vegetables.
“I’m sorry. I was way out of line Nic.”
“No, its fine Claire. It’s just that I don’t usually have someone asking me about my personal life. I’m usually the one doing the asking.” Looking back down at her food Nic debated how to answer the direct question. Should she take the honesty approach or should she deflect and try to answer in a roundabout way without giving up too much information? She thought about it for a while and decided that she would give just enough information to pacify any further curiosity.
“Well,” Nic said, “I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find someone who likes this type of lifestyle.” Which was true— not too many women wanted to be with someone who was going to be gone for a year or longer and possibly even sent to a war zone. The separation and worry were enough to drive many military spouses to divorce. While many soldiers weren’t divorced before they left, many were on the brink when they got home.
“And to be honest I was in a relationship before I was sent overseas. But being sent to a war zone for a year took its toll and we broke up.” She stated simply, as though she was just giving Claire a recipe for muffins.
Claire recognized the pain in the flat answer. She had seen the distancing many soldiers or wives formed when they had experienced something so painful that reliving it would open old wounds, and weaken their already fragile existence. She was sure she would be in the same position eventually when someone asked her about Mike. She would be polite, smile, and accept their condolences, but they would never really understand. She watched as Nic pushed her food around on her plate. It was clear she was uncomfortable with the question and now Claire wished she hadn’t asked.
“I’m sorry Nic. It’s really none of my business. Please eat and let’s forget that I said anything.” She could see that she and Nic did have some things in common. She just hadn’t realized that the loss of a loved one was one of them. In her case, Mike was never coming home. She wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him with someone, or imagining him in someone else’s arms. Not that she would have worried about that with Mike anyway. Their relationship wasn’t like most military relationships, but Nic’s pain would hurt in a different way. She would have to think about her ex in ways Claire never would. She had to live with the fact that someone she cared about had chosen a “normal” life rather than stick with her. That kind of hurt was almost worse than what she was going through.
“No, don’t worry. It’s ok. That isn’t really the reason I’m not in a relationship now.” Pausing for a moment she wondered why she felt like telling Claire her reasons for not being involved. She hadn’t wanted to tell anyone, to open herself up like that and take the risk of appearing weak. Being with Claire felt different for some reason. Losing Mike meant she understood war better than most people, and because of that they had something in common.
“I was wounded in Iraq six months ago and lost my whole flig
ht crew over there. I guess I haven’t felt like being back in the swing of things lately because of it.” She put another fork full of food in her mouth and began chewing, giving her a reason not to speak. She felt her stomach churn, not because of the food but because she didn’t want Claire’s pity. She didn’t know what she did want, but it sure as hell wasn’t her pity.
CHAPTER SIX
The silence quickly became uncomfortable as they both tried to figure out what to say next. Nic felt like she should say something to break the tension that had filled the room and to assure Claire that she was fine and didn’t need her pity.
“Wow, I didn’t know Nic. I’m so sorry, I—”
“Please, I don’t need your pity. I’m fine now.” She quickly cut Claire off with a negligent flick of her hand, refusing to look up from her plate. There it was- the start of the pity party starring Nic as the guest of honor. She winced at how harsh her tone was when she heard Claire gasp. God, why do I have to be so quick to react to someone who’s just being nice? She got up and followed Claire into the kitchen.
Without thinking, she grabbed Claire by the arms and whispered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that. It’s just that… well it’s just that I am so tired of people treating me differently when they find out what happened to me.”
“Well, you’re certainly capable of keeping people from being concerned, aren’t you? I mean….” Looking up she saw the hurt in Nic’s eyes, causing her to stop in mid-sentence. Her breath caught when she felt Nic’s thighs brush her own as Nic held her close. She looked at her feet and instantly regretted her own tone. “I’m sorry, Nic. I was out of line just now. I know you don’t need my pity. In fact, I’m sure you’re a pretty strong woman because of what you’ve been through. I just thought that… well I guess I don’t know what I thought.”
“Please, let’s sit down and I can explain. Besides, I’m still a little hungry,” she said, hoping to lighten the mood. She let go of Claire’s arms and stepped back, trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach and calm her pulse. She liked the way Claire’s body felt so close to her own. Close, but not close enough.
Claire refilled the half-eaten plate and put it in the microwave. She turned around and watched Nic take a deep breath and relax a bit as they exchanged glances once again.
Claire didn’t know why it mattered what this woman thought, but it did. She didn’t want Nic thinking she was a pushy military wife who thought she should be catered to. One who couldn’t take care of herself. One who didn’t need comfort….
“Can we start over again?” asked Nic as she reached into the microwave before Claire could get there.
“No,” said Claire, “why don’t we start where we left off? You were going to explain and I was going to keep my big mouth shut.”
Nic wanted to argue that Claire had a beautiful, kissable mouth. She wondered where that train of thought kept coming from as she tried to regain her composure. It was clear that she was losing her objectivity when it came to this inform and she didn’t know why or what was possessing her to take such a personal interest. She took a deep breath and reminded herself to be professional.
Nic walked back to the couch and sat waiting for Claire to join her before she divulged her story. She wondered if it was wise to tell Claire her tale, since it would likely mirror Mike’s experience and give Claire a bleak image of Mike’s last moments. No, it might not be wise, but she had opened the door, and it felt wrong to push Claire away by not answering her honestly.
Nic spoke so softly that Claire had to lean in to hear the soft words as they came rushing out. “I was flying medivac in Iraq. It was just a routine flight. We had done it a hundred times.” She felt herself drifting into the dreamlike state that came when she relived the accident. Her body reacted to the surreal feeling of flying, just like the day of the accident.
“We were returning to the airbase where we dropped off our wounded and pretty much treated it like a routine flight, which was our mistake. We weren’t watching for anything out of the ordinary. We were talking about what we were going to be doing when we all returned home in a few months. I remember one of my guys had gotten a letter from home telling him he was going to be a dad again. He was so happy with the news, and was telling us he was hoping for a son this time.”
Nic stared into space, every feeling and smell as fresh as it had been the day it happened. Tears rested on her lashes, waiting to be let free. Claire put a hand on her knee, squeezing it gently.
“Anyway, we were starting to bank towards the airfield when it happened. We were hit with a missile round about 200 feet off the deck. The explosion hit the back compartment of the helicopter killing most of my crew and dropping us like a lead balloon. All I remember was hearing a loud explosion, seeing a bright light, and then waking up on the ground with a shooting pain in my back and hips. I smelled something burning around me and then I could feel heat on my back. So I tried to move but I was pinned by the exhaust pipe of the chopper. I guess when it exploded it threw me and the crew in every direction and blew up the chopper into a thousand pieces. I realized that the burning smell was my flight suit melting and that if I didn’t do something quick I was screwed. I tried standing again but it was no use, so I tried rolling to my side, which is what made my injuries worse. When I rolled, my broken hip punctured through my skin and I started bleeding. However, when I rolled I was able to dislodge the exhaust pipe from on top of me, pretty much taking my flight suit with it and leaving me with second and third degree burns. I don’t know how I survived, and no one that looked at the crash site can tell me how I survived. I was the only one that did.”
By now Nic was sweating, her t-shirt looking like she had just run ten miles, and she was breathing hard. She was trying to control the tears that threatened to fall but was having no luck. They streamed down her face like tiny tributaries. She always lost control when she recounted the story, and until now, she had never told the story outside her therapist’s office for that very reason. Her tight rein on her emotions was slim at best. As long as she compartmentalized the events she was fine. She took a deep breath and tried to control her breathing, fearing she looked like a wild animal. She didn’t want to scare Claire and she was afraid that if she looked up she would once again be faced with the look of pity that she hated.
Taking a deep breath she focused on Claire’s hand on her knee and finished her story. “I was airlifted to Germany where I was stabilized and then moved to the States for the surgery to repair my badly damaged hip and to treat my burned back. It was a long process and I wasn’t able to tell my crew goodbye. The funerals and memorials were done and over with before my surgeries and burn treatments were healed. It took a long time for me to come to terms with what happened over there. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever will, but I’m working on it. The military makes me see a shrink and talk about it and I still have to do rehab, but now I’m down to once a week. I just got released to ride my motorcycle so that helps, too. Now you know why I’m not involved with anyone. Why would anyone want to take on an old war horse like me?” She laughed wryly, hoping she didn’t sound as cynical as she felt.
“I can understand what you’re going through with Mike because I’ve been there. It’s different, I know, since he was your husband, but I loved the members of my crew like family. I was the pilot. It was my job to get them out of there. I failed them, and I survived.” Nic brushed the tears from her face in an angry swipe, irritated that she had let the story get the better of her in front of someone she was supposed to be comforting in the face of her own loss.
Nic watched as Claire moved closer, touching her shoulder.
“Sorry,” Claire said quickly when Nic jumped, “is that the shoulder that is injured?”
She was used to the standoffish nature of the shrink’s demeanor. It helped keep her focused. Instead, she was staring at Claire’s long, perfect hand on her knee and trying to ignore the sudden desire that coursed through her. Clai
re’s closeness was overwhelming and unsettling.
Nic cleared her throat and tried to control her breathing. Claire moved her hand and despite herself, Nic felt a sense of loss at the break in contact. Then Claire softly touched her shoulder instead and Nic jumped like a nervous rabbit.
“Um, actually it’s my back. You can probably see the long bandage that I wear to protect the scar.” Pointing to her injured left side she shifted so Claire could see her back and then looked over her shoulder, gauging Claire’s reaction. Watching Claire’s eyes travel her back she shivered slightly and sat up a bit straighter.
“Oh, right, I see it now. I guess I never noticed it before. Does it still hurt?”
“The scar or the hip?”
“Both. I noticed you don’t walk with a limp. Was it bad? The hip surgery, I mean.”
“Well I guess in the grand scheme of things not too bad. A lot of rehab and hard work is the reason I don’t limp. The surgeons said it would be at least six months before I would walk, the injury was so bad, but I couldn’t stand being laid up that long, so I worked hard to get on my feet again. I have a total hip replacement in there, ball and socket. So, I should be good to go for about 10 years, if I take care of it and don’t abuse it. I can do pretty much anything I did before.” Suddenly feeling like a jerk, Nic apologized again. “Look, I am sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that. You didn’t know.”
“Nic, please don’t apologize again. I see now that you know exactly what I’m going through and I should be the one to apologize. It is none of my business what happened or why you’re single. I’m truly sorry. Can you forgive me for being so intrusive?” Suddenly that was the only thing that mattered to Claire. This person not only understood what she was going through but she had been through it herself and survived. She felt like an ass and wanted so desperately to find a way to make it up to Nic.
“Don’t give it a second thought. Let’s talk about something else, shall we?”
