by K. S. Adkins
“Fuck!” he bellows, punching the wall next to my head. Taking one last hard look at me, he heads for the door slamming it behind him.
As for me, I just stood there staring at the hole he left wondering which was bigger. The hole in the wall or the one in my heart.
‘You're always searching for the thing to heal you, and I thought therapy would give me that. But it didn't - it just helps you recognize your demons.’
~Rick Springfield
Today’s session was fucking brutal. Telling him about my past (not all but some) made me uncomfortable. Shit got way out of hand and I’m embarrassed I let it happen in the first place. Letting Jill take advantage because it was easier than bothering with her, was my own damn fault. Expecting to come home and in payment for letting her live off me, demanding use of her body probably wasn’t the healthiest way to do things. Especially, when she didn’t want me and I didn’t want her. Sex with her was about as enjoyable and waxing your balls. I didn’t want to fuck her, I did it to prove a point. He asked me if by allowing her a certain lifestyle and demanding sex as payment for it was a means of control. My answer was, probably.
Considering I hated her as much as she hated me, I figured punishing her for lying to me in order to marry her was my due. Thinking of her as a whoring prostitute was wrong because then I’d have to acknowledge I was okay with paying her to fuck me. Christ, I’ve done so much wrong it’s pathetic. This Jill shit felt like a virus I couldn’t shake. Like I was infected with it and was afraid to spread it to Rion. Then we touched on my brother but since I haven’t seen the guy in years, I didn’t have much to offer with details. The last time I even spoke to him was two years ago when he told me he lived here. I didn’t even have a picture of him and his new family when he was adopted. His new family rarely allowed me to contact him and from there he became a spoiled little asshole I didn’t have much use for.
Now that my session was over I was feeling raw and moody. Collecting didn’t take long. The three guys that owed took one look at me and opened their wallets. Last night with Rion still had me on edge so when the last collection was done I found myself taking the long way back. Not that I didn’t want to see her, just that I didn’t know what to say when I saw her. The very things I want to keep private, she wants to know and I’m not ready to tell her. Especially after that session when I figured out it Jill may not carry all the blame. The therapist made it clear I wouldn’t move forward until I was ready to own my shit and truth? I was no more ready to own it then I was ready to share it. She may have the right to know these things but the risk of fall out is too great. I just got back on equal footing with her and I wasn’t ready to face the fact she might very well tell me to go fuck myself over the shit with Jill. There were no words to explain what I’d done to Jill, what I allowed Jill to do to me. From where I was standing, both of us were assholes.
Parking in the garage and heading into the office to log my collections and give her the money, I see Rio at the computer but she’s not here. “Across the hall,” he says gruffly “You’re back and I gotta go. Later.”
Before I could say anything, he was gone.
Letting myself into the apartment quietly, I see her sitting on the couch staring at the wall. Instantly I go on red alert. “Rion,” I say, getting her attention.
“Hmm?” she asks, looking miles away.
“Another letter come?” I ask, sitting next to her.
“What? Oh no,” she says absently. “Just thinking.”
She’s cradling her right hand in the palm of her left and I ask her about it. “You hurt your hand?”
“It’s fine,” she says, rubbing it.
“It’s not fine,” I correct her. “How’d you hurt your hand?”
“On Rio’s face,” she says and her jaw hardens a bit.
“Explain.” I order her.
“Don’t feel like it,” she says getting up and heading toward the kitchen.
“I wasn’t asking, Rion.” I grunt following her.
“I didn’t think you were, Loyal.” She argues back. “I have to get back to work.”
“Hold up,” I growl, standing between her and the exit. “He takes one look at me and bolts and you don’t want to talk about it. The fuck happened while I was gone? You said you loved me, so this is the kinda shit you talk about.”
“That’s fair,” she says quietly. “Let me ask you something, do you love me yet, Loyal?” When I stay silent she moves around me then opens the door. “Thought so,” she says with a sad face leaving me once again standing there looking fucking lost.
‘Never be afraid to sit a while and think.’
~ Lorraine Hansberry
The last few days have been miserable. Spending as much time in my office as possible, I haven’t spoken to Loyal and Rio was avoiding me. What is it about me that the only time a male will kiss me was to shut me up? Loyal did it, now Rio did it too.
I’m all sorts of confused about Rio. The kiss lasted seconds but it wasn’t what my fantasies built it up to be. When I kiss Loyal it feels like forever, with Rio it felt…familial. Rio kissing me didn’t make me melt, it made me uncomfortable. Like I’d just kissed my brother and that was freaking me out. As a kid I wanted bragging rights, as an adult, I wanted to turn back time. I’ll admit I crushed on him hard when he first came to stay with us, but Senior made it clear that he was off limits. What Senior said went and since Rio never even so much as flirted with me, I didn’t even attempt to fantasize about it.
Rio has always been extremely popular with women, just like Tank was. I never knew either to be choosy. Tank himself used to say pussy was pussy and Rio agreed. I regret the things I said to him, though. I can honestly say it wasn’t from jealousy, it’s just that it bothers me that he uses women the way he does. Like Tank, I wanted Rio to be happy. He was hiding though, anyone could see it. I can admit I spent my life hiding too. Having Senior call the shots took the pressure off of making decisions on my own. He’d done it for so long it’d become my way of life. Now I didn’t have him here to tell me what to do and I was panicking. Anxiety had tears brimming in my eyes and I wanted to tell Rio I was sorry for everything I’d said.
Rio didn’t want me, no fucking way. Without discussing it with him, all I was doing was over thinking things. Which brings me back to Loyal, who I didn’t think wanted me either, at least not like I wanted him. Right then and there I decided it didn’t matter who wanted what, I had a business to run. Guy talk, bro codes and mind fucks were going to have to wait.
All morning Loyal has been here with me but we don’t talk, we just try ignoring each other instead. While checking my bank statements and listening to him grumble, I decided being an adult is for adults and I wasn’t one of them. By the hour he looks more pissed off and I didn’t have it in me to care. If he wanted to keep secrets he could keep all of his secrets. When the key hits the lock and Rio walks in he throws a file down on my desk, logs his collection into the computer and walks right back out.
Continuing to still ignore me, Loyal follows him out into the hall and minutes later it was Rio, not Loyal who walks back in. Pretending today was like any other; I plowed through paperwork and returned phone calls. Then my day took a turn when Rio took the chair across from mine and threw me for another loop.
“I’m not sorry,” he says twirling a pencil, “about kissing you, I won’t apologize.”
Looking up at him I see the sincerity in his eyes and found myself at a complete loss. “I don’t know what to say to that,” I whisper. “I don’t know what to say about any of it.”
“I stayed away,” he says, breaking the pencil in half. “Senior said not Junior, anyone but Junior, she’s good. You don’t get to take that from her. Watched you date dickbags, rich assholes and now a fucked in the head Marine. Not one of them deserved you either. They all take from you while you give everything. But I stayed back because I respected Senior. Only he ain’t here anymore, it’s just us now. I know how you used to look at me,
Rion. You shouldn’t have pushed me like that. Throwing that shit in my face. All them women I fucked? That’s all I did, fuck them. Used them and their bodies, wishing they were you.”
When I gasp, he smiles at the shock on my face but continues. “What you said hurt me, probably because it was true and I didn’t think you gave a shit one way or the other, but now I know you do. I like Loyal you know, I hoped he’d be the one for you and I would have let it happen. But he ain’t the one for you and you can’t fix what’s broken in him. Take the hint here, he don’t want you to. That kiss wasn’t done right, I can do better. I can make it good for you, for both of us. Senior ain’t here to tell me no and he ain’t here to tell you no neither. Senior always said you were the best part of him,” he says, standing up and leaning over my desk, meeting my round eyes. “Needed you to know that you’re the best part of me too.”
Pulling back he never breaks eye contact with me while he picks up his broken pencil pieces throwing them in the can. When he reaches the door I can feel my heart beating erratically, my mouth is dry and the tears run freely down my face. Opening the door his parting words left me completely shattered. “Loved you for fourteen years. There’s nothing about me you don’t know. I’m probably not the man for you either, but fuck knows I want to be. When I’m around you, I’m the man I should have been.”
Exiting my office I can hear his back hit the wall which tells me he’s going to stay out there until Loyal got back. Looking around my space, I had nowhere to run and hiding under my desk seemed childish. I didn’t have the ability to work this out on my own. On one hand, I had just found my best friend was in love with me, on the other, I was in love with a man who didn’t love me back. I didn’t even ask myself what would Senior do on this one, because I had a feeling he wouldn’t have had a fucking clue either.
‘Happy are those who dare courageously to defend what they love.’
~ Ovid
When my therapist said he could get me in last minute, I stopped Rio from leaving, letting him know he needed to talk to Rion while I was gone. I didn’t like that they were fighting. Those two were close and you could tell fighting wasn’t normal for them. Hauling ass to my appointment the second I hit the chair he was privy to the previous day’s events and my current problem. Rion was upset and wouldn’t talk to me. Her being upset with me wasn’t something I could deal with on my own, I didn’t know how to.
An hour later I left frustrated with no useful advice. He asked me if I trusted her and though I wanted to say yes, I couldn’t. I knew I wanted to trust her, but I didn’t know if I ever could. Until I was ready to be honest with her, this was going to be my life and it was my fault. The only useful tip I got out of it was that I would know when I was ready. My biggest concern with that is she wouldn’t be around to see it when it and if it happened.
Climbing the stairs two at a time, I spot Rio leaning on the wall outside the door. “She on a personal call?”
“Therapist fix you yet?” he asks, pushing off and facing me.
“No,” I tell him. “I ain’t going to be fixed overnight.”
“Yeah well, if I were you, I’d hurry up.”
“You know something I don’t?”
“Loyal,” he laughs walking away. “I know a lot of things you don’t.”
Ignoring him in favor of seeing her, I knock once and enter, only she doesn’t look up at me like I hoped she would. She’s busy working, typing and rubbing her eyes. Looking closer I notice she’s been crying. When she turns away from me, I march out the door, two time it down the steps and slammed Rio against the brick.
“Why the fuck is she crying?” I growl, pushing my forearm further into his throat. Not one for intimidation he smiles back, saying nothing. “I ain’t fucking around with you, Rio,” I warn him. “If you want to keep your teeth you best start talking.”
“You assume she’s crying because of me,” he says, showing all of his teeth. “Who’s to say she ain’t all tore up about you?” When I don’t answer for fear he’s right, he digs the knife in deeper. “Ah, hadn’t considered that have you?”
“She say something to you?”
“Actually no, for once I did all the talking,” he says disengaging easily. “But I’ll give you a hint because I think you deserve a fighting chance. You ain’t the only horse in the running Loyal, even if I give you a handicap you still won’t catch up. You are fucking damaged my man. You ain’t fit to race, in fact you should probably just forfeit.”
Reading between the lines, I caught his meaning. He was making a play for her. He wanted Rion for himself. “Then why’d you help me?”
“You don’t have it in you to give her what she needs, Loyal. You don’t have a handle on your own shit, you don’t level with her and quite frankly, doing the right thing is overrated. No matter how many chances she gives you, you’re gonna fuck it up. I, on the other hand, won’t. Watched that woman get fucked over for years, not getting the love she’s due. I ain’t letting it happen again. No hard feelings.”
“You sure you want to do this?”
“My man,” he says squaring off, “never been so sure of anything in my life.”
Then, I engaged.
‘Never had my heart broken, Junior. Can’t break if you never put it on the table.’
~Rio
Loyal leaving gave me a chance to catch my breath. Maybe there are women who get off on having two men to choose from, but I didn’t. My chest burns because of it. It isn’t enough that I still mourning my dad. Now I have this thrown at me too? Losing him took a huge chunk out of my heart and the thought of losing Rio by not choosing him, stole the air from my lungs on top of it. This wasn’t fair to me, I knew that, but I also realize in life these things seldom are.
My best memories have Rio in them. When I couldn’t come home, he would come to Ann Arbor to see me because he knew I didn’t fit in there. We took trips together when I should have been studying and making friends. We had no secrets because we knew the best and worst of each other. The two of us were easy like that, always doing the give and take, never judging. We never even fought and until recently he always encouraged me to do what I wanted, not what Senior had wanted. Here’s the problem with that though, my memories are that of the past.
But when I look to the future, I see front and center Loyal making memories with me not Rio.
Christ, either way I lose.
Let’s face it, I can picture whatever future I want but that doesn’t mean that it’s the future Loyal sees. It’s the future I want him to see. You can’t make someone love you back. No more than you can drop everything and take a shot on the guy who says he’s loved you always. The love I feel for Rio was familial to me now. I wasn’t a kid anymore and a kiss doesn’t change that. The love I feel for Loyal was embedded deep under my skin, but I can’t project it onto him and think I can love enough for the both of us forever.
The fact is, Loyal was going to break my heart and Rio wanted a shot at it. I wasn’t prepared to lose Rio over a man who didn’t love me. I wasn’t prepared to lose Loyal over a man who should have a degree in pillow talk either. Part of me wondered if Rio just wanted to see if I would choose him because until Loyal, no man was worth my heart and the risk to our friendship. If only he understood that it wasn’t a competition, that I had room for both. Love isn’t a game where the winner gets a medal, at least to me it wasn’t.
Losing Senior was enough. I couldn’t afford to lose anymore right now. Therefore, I chose neither. There’s the long shot then there’s just bad betting. I can’t afford to bet on either one of them when a loss this big is at stake.
Don’t forget there was also the matter of my being ‘gifted’ to someone hanging over my head too. Throwing in the towel, I hit the steps making a left at the garage, fire up the Taurus in favor of forgetting all of it. Fifteen minutes later I’m opening the door and it’s the smell that gets me first followed by years of memories that this time I embraced. I loved this place and I loved
him for bringing me here. Even if I was his designated driver, my dad had some rowdy friends to say the least and they loved me.
Right now, I needed to feel loved because of who I was.
“There she is!” he says, surrounding me in a bear hug. “How’s my girl?”
“Hey Old Man,” I whisper through tears. “How are you?”
“Missing Senior something fierce, girl. Something fierce. Missed you too, Junior. You come here to forget for a while?”
“Yes sir,” I laugh, taking his hand as he leads me to the back of the bar.
“Look who showed up fellas! Come see Junior!” For several minutes I was hugged, kissed and passed on to the next man in line all the while I had a genuine smile on my face. Sitting me down, for hours I’m regaled of stories of my dad back in the day. Adding a few of my own with the guys keeping me company, I throw back shot after shot when suddenly the stories didn’t make me laugh anymore. Instead, they made me very fucking angry.
If my life was a betting pool, I was seriously losing.
Grief sucked.
‘Look back, and smile on perils past.’
~Walter Scott
She wasn’t in her office, her apartment or Senior’s. Her car wasn’t in the garage and she wasn’t answering her phone. Pacing the halls with worry for her, plus the adrenaline from the shit with Rio, I was seconds away from losing it. Figuring the best place to be was her place in case she came back, I went in and paced there instead.
An hour later, still no Rion. Scared out of my mind I dialed his number. Rion didn’t have habits like yoga or hair appointments. She didn’t keep a schedule which meant not only was I in an unfamiliar city, I had no clue where to start looking. Rio answered of course, and I put a lid on my temper because her safety was more important than our pissing contest.
“She’s not here.”
“Then she’s at My Dad’s Place,” he says right away.
